How many times more?

Lyrics | O.A.R. lyrics - Shattered (Turn The Car Around) lyrics

I know is not right to feel as I do.
But I do, I do, I do.
It sucks to try to reach for something but it always elude you.
I want to get away from this as far as I can.
I want to be able to pave my own life, without the burden of association to another that always seem to get what they want.
I want to be free of this.
It weigh heavy on my heart and my cheek muscles hurt from faking too much smiles. Being fake is so much work. I want badly to cry.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

I know when trying for something there is always a 50% chance you'll fail. It is rezeki. So I know full well that there is no point in questioning why all this time my chances seem to fall on the failing 50%? Statistically in 100 attempts you'll most likely fail 50 times. If you fail 100 times, maybe it needs another 100 attempts to succeed. So what if the 50 or even 100 failures seem to line up one after the other? There's always a probability for that to happen, however remote.
...It sux tho.
I don't want to be stuck in this destiny of being tied up to another. No one ties us up I know, but I myself think that way. I want to break free, I know I'll be much better without it. But how to break free? It's like a curse. It is like I am worthy for nothing. After this, I want to go alone. I want to try it all alone. If I fail then I'll bear it alone, at least I won't feel so damn worthless.

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

....This post have too many "I" in it. Too caught up in self. So sorry.

It ain't over until it's over

Lyrics | Just Stand Up To Cancer lyrics - Just Stand Up lyrics

Es mejor morir de pie que vivir de rodillas.
It is better to die on your feet, than to live on your knees
Emiliano Zapata Salazar

Cancer is such a gloomy thing. It is hard to be positive when all you see is the end. It's like the axe can fall anytime, taking with it all the joy of life that was once there.
If we focus only on the end, all that goes between becomes insignificant, it holds no meaning anymore.
Why live when you would die anyway?
Why hope when there is no chance of cure?
Why love when it will be lost?
For me it is because we are not born to be losers. We are not born to mope around, shouting to everyone, "I am hurt! I am diseased! The end is near!" and then skulk back to a dark corner, thinking how unfair life is.
If the reason we are born is to die, then why hang around?
Are you that insignificant?
We are all given the chance to live until a certain period of time. That is a known fact (although it is easy to forget that sometimes). Death is a natural part of life ===> we live,therefore we die. If there is no death, would there be life? No.
We are born to this world for a purpose. You, as an individual would have to try with everything you can to leave a mark in this world. It doesn't have to be something so major that it is written in history, small things do count. Be someone worthwhile, be all that you can be. Make a difference in someone else's life. Be a good friend, be someone's sweetheart, be someone's teacher, be a good parent. All of this count in defining who you are as a person, who you aspire to be. You have a role to play, so play it well. Don't be too selfish and just think about yourself: how unfair the game of life turn out to be, how unfortunate of you to have all problems going your way. Just because you don't like what was given to you, don't mean you can quit the game and just wait until your time run out.

It's like we all have better days
Problems getting all up in your face
Just because you go through it
Don't mean it got to take control, no

You are a part of something important, something much more than who we are singularly, then your life is worth saving. Save your own life! If you, yourself don't think it is worth anything then rest assured that no one would think otherwise. Fight for the right to live! Don't give up, believe in yourself.
So what if you have only 5 years to live?
So what if you only have 5 days to live?
Those are only predictions from people that don't even know when they themselves are going to die. Those predictions are just empty numbers. They don't control you life, you don't either. Your life: to live or die is in Allah's power. What you can do is only to fight with all your might and hold on to your faith. Don't ask stupid meaningless questions like:
Why does this happen to me?
I've been good, why is God unkind to me?
To this date, there is no cure for cancer. So be strong. You only have yourself and God. Others can only support you so far. This is your journey, how are you going to get through it?
Reflect on this:

Who are we to be
Questioning
Wondering what is what
Don't give up
Through it all
Just stand up

Looking at the people closest to me, I am amazed by the desire to fight. The heart can never rest if it didn't do all it can to overcome this. This is no time to be sad, you can never afford to be weak. However, strength is nonexistent in the absence of faith. Without faith, there is no hope. Without hope, all would be lost.
La haula wala quwwata illa billah

I am an Analytical Thinker

Phantom hourglass

Slm
Semalam YM ngan Anie, yang sudahpun bertunang n insyaAllah akn mendirikan rumah tangga tahun depan.
Naturally, the conversation shifted to marriage, soulmate, getting hitched, bf (or rather the nonexistence of one) etc, etc.
However, one of her comments got me thinking.
When we were discussing the choices that we make in life (her getting married and me getting my PhD), about how her situation is different from mine and that getting married is the best thing to happen to her right now she said to me:

Ko tu tak serius lagi

Huh?
Why she said that? I do want to get married but...
After the conversation, I thought about what she said and I've come to one conclusion.
Yes, I am not yet "serious."
Sometimes the loneliness kicks in and the desire to have someone by your side is overwhelming but I realize that getting married is not my first priority.
My friend thinks that for someone in her situation getting married is the best (her parents are getting old and she wants to be able to give something back to her parents before anything happens...), she even postponed her dreams of furthering her studies to work and get married.
However, for me I look at it with a different perspective.
Yes, I do worry for my parents, especially my father.
I ask myself, "Is this all there is? Is this the end?"
I don't know the answer, but I'm sure as hell not going to hang around and find out.
So now I have this burning desire to do all there is in my power to make it so that my parents especially my father could experience it all.

• Me graduating with my doctorate degree.
• Me having a great and high paying job.
• My brother and sisters success in their exams and dreams (like Lili who is now chembering to become a lawyer, Alia who's sitting for her SPM, Azrai who'll be sitting for SPM next year, Nim who'll be taking her PMR next year...).
• Me getting married (oh!)
• Me having kids (oh OH!)

....is it possible to achieve all these? Mission Impossible maybe, especially for the last two points. The last two points is not in my power.
So the next best thing is to try and achieve all the other dreams and make them into reality.
I'm racing with the clock but I don't know how much time I have left.
So yes, I am not yet serious in getting hitched. I have so much more to do and if God willing I should be able to fulfill the last two dreams while achieving all the other dreams, I am most thankful.
I am racing a fight to the end.
I just hope I manage to arrive before time runs out.
La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billah

For a friend

Song for a friend --Jason Mraz

Well you're magic he said
But don't let it all go to your head
Well I bet if you all had it all figured out
Then you'd never get out of bed
No doubt
All the thing's that I've read what he wrote me
Is now sounding like the man I was hoping
To be
Keep on keeping it real
Cause it keeps getting easier indeed

He's the reason that I'm laughing
Even if there's no one else
He said, you've got to love yourself

You say, you shouldn't mumble when you speak
But keep your tongue up in your cheek
And if you stumble on to
You better remember that it's humble that you seek
You got all the skill you need,
Individuality
You got something
Call it gumption
Call it anything you want
Because when you play the fool now
You're only fooling everyone else
You're learning to love yourself

Yes you are

There's no price to pay
When you give and what you take,
That's why it's easy to thank you
You...

Let's say take a break from the day
And get back to the old garage
Because life's too short anyway
But at least it's better then average
As long as you got me
And I got you
You know we'll got a lot to go around
I'll be your friend
Your other brother
Another love to come and comfort you
And I'll keep reminding
If it's the only thing I ever do
I will always love
I will always love you
Yes you
I will always, always, always, always love
I will always, always love
I will always, always love, love

Climb up over the top
Survey the state of the soul
You've got to find out for yourself whether or not you're truly trying
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it
Take control and inevitably wind up
Find out for yourself all the strengths you have inside of you

**********************************************************************************

This is a song for a friend.
It is filled with advice and reminders from a great friend.
Friends are truly another kind of love.
It's like being pressured for nothing at all, especially between best friends.
No pressure to fill in the silence with nervous laughter or a witty remark.
No discomfort in silence.
Even if I don't have much to give, I do love my friends although I never say it. It's weird to say those 3 words to friends. Words like, "I love you" or "I miss you" seem more appropriate for a lover.
But actually, those are exactly the feelings that I have.
I miss our long talks, our discussions about anything.
Time seem to fly past but filled with nothing worthwhile.
Friends give you a perspective of situations that sometimes you've never thought of before.
It is a good thing to have an honest friend, who'll tell you that you're about to do something stupid.
Well, two heads is better than none ;)
I truly treasure you in my life, you know who you are.
But I won't say it in person, biasalah, ego...hehe.

A sudden thought: Ego can only get you so far...until eventually the road ends and humility begin...in all honesty, there's no place for a misplaced ego. We're all just ordinary people.
So, I miss you and I thank Allah for this :)

Choice for love

Sometimes I wonder...will I ever be the same person if I chose a different choice in the past?
I heard somebody say that the choices you make define who you really are.
I think that is true.
But,
The definition of self must come from within you, not from another person.
I think this is because only you will know the true reason for the choices you made, others could only speculate.
*************************************************************************************
Love, love, love

Love is a choice, is it not?
Maybe love is indeed blind because you could never choose who you will fall in love with.
But,
after falling in love, the decision to go through with the love and pursue it till the very end is a choice right? The other choice is to let your love go away, to fade into the days gone by.

Sometimes feelings of love make people lose their heads, right?
So, after the initial infatuation, rational thinking would have to be reinstalled immediately.
If not, hearts would be broken. Incapacitated by the need for a reciprocal reaction.
If there is none, the feelings should be erased. Like formatting a hard drive when it is infected by a virus.
Then reboot.
Start over.

But in the end, it's your choice anyway: to pursue it or not.
If unable to erase it permanently, just keep it in the recycle bin.
You can always restore it later ;)

Promises to keep

Salam

I've deleted my chatbox and also my slideshow at the end of this page. It doesn't seem to serve any significant purpose.

I'm taking a time out for a while. I feel kinda weird.

There's so many that I have to do, even though sometimes I wish I don't have to.

Here's a beautiful poem from Robert Frost:

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Postgraduate Life: A Documentary ;)

Ahhh....a life of a postgraduate :P

Bloodlust

Yesterday I watched the movie Untraceable (2008).

The tagline:
A cyber killer has finally found the perfect accomplice: You

Plot summary:
A secret service agent, Jennifer Marsh, gets caught in a very personal and deadly cat-and-mouse game with a serial killer who knows that people (being what they are - both curious and drawn to the dark side of things) will log onto an "untraceable" website where he conducts violent and painful murders LIVE on the net. The more people who log on and enter the website, the quicker and more violently the victim dies. IMDB

**********************************************************************************
Would you say that humans have a natural hunger for blood?

It is clear throughout history.
Could you justify the Roman culture of live killings and fighting of slaves and gladiators in the arena?
It is nothing but bloodlust.
Maybe then you'll tell me, "c'mon loosen up. Diorang tu jahiliah"

OooOoo...jahiliah.

Then what is the purpose of action movies and thrillers like this one?
If the killings are somehow "soft" remarks like, " ala, tak real la..", "fake", "an insult to my intelligence" are inevitable.
People want to see blood spurting everywhere, pieces of brain matter thrown here and there, massive lethal explosions and death, death, death.

Why people stop and look at road accidents but not many try to help?
Why people discuss other people's affairs, judging them and subjecting them to public scrutiny as if the people they're discussing are not human?
People tell me it is curiosity.
People tell me it is ok if it is for a lesson for us (teladan).
People tell me it is not mengumpat.

But what if it is just that?
What if it is more?
What if the things we discuss with little knowledge that we have made the discussion contaminated by baseless accusations, fitnah?
Jangan perkatakan sesuatu yang kamu tiada pengetahuan tentangnya.
I know that this reads dangerously as being a defense of the killer, but it is not that. I merely seek to understand myself and then proceed to understand others. This trait of humanity got me thinking: Are our basic instincts animalistic?

Like in the movie: even when told that as the number of viewers of that site increases the more violent the tortures would be and the quicker the victim dies, the public still log in to see.

They rationalize their actions by saying that they just look at it for a while only and they did not mean any harm. After all, it is not like they're the actual killer.

The public mob. Who can satisfy them?
They disassociate themselves from any responsibility of the outcome of their cumulative actions.

The killer was pushed to the edge because the public took advantage of his father's suicide by filming it live, broadcasting it in the news and discussing (giving opinions on about the suicide even though the people giving their opinions don't even know his father) the suicide as if his father is not a person, but a subject in the news.
The killer was actually trying to prove a point (that the public is insatiable for the suffering of others), as well as wreak vengeance on those he felt had exploited his father's tragedy. IMDB

I think he has a right to prove his point but his methods are questionable. But hey, he is a nutcase. He can't tell between right, wrong and the blurry lines that separates both.

What's our excuse?

Light comes after the darkest dawn

This is an email I got from a friend. It touched my heart and I hope it would touch yours too...
However, if any of you discover any discrepancies or any mistakes that could be corrected, please inform me about it.
May Allah protect me and you from all that is wrong and lead us to the light.

An old man's joy
IBN Jarir At-Tabari (d. 310H) narrates:

I was in Makkah during the season of Haj and I saw a man from Khurasan calling out to the people, "Pilgrims, people of Makkah, I have lost a pouch that contains a thousand dinars. So whoever returns the pouch will be rewarded by Allah with good and saved from the Hellfire, and His bounty and favors will be acquired on the Day of Accounting."

An old man from the people of Makkah approached him and said, "Khurasani, our city is in very tough condition, and the days of Haj are few, and its season is appointed, and the doors of profit-making are closed. This money might fall into the hands of a believer who is poor and old in age. Maybe he plans to give it back if you promise that you will give him a little bit of money that is Halal (permissible) for him to use."

The Khurasani asked, "How much does he want?"

"He wants one-tenth of the money."

The Khurasani replied, "No, I will not grant him the money. Instead I will take my case to Allah and complain to Him on the day we meet Him, and Allah is sufficient for us and the best one to trust in."

I realized that it was the old man who was poor, and he was the one who had taken the pouch of dinars and wished to have a little portion of it. So I followed him until he returned to his home. My assumptions were confirmed. I heard him calling onto his wife, "Lubabah!"

She said, "I am at your service, Abu Ghayth."

The old man said, "I found the owner of the dinars calling for it, and he does not intend to give any reward to the person who finds it. I said to him, 'Give us a hundred dinars,' and he refused and said he would take his case to Allah. What should I do, Lubabah? I must return it, for I fear my Lord and I fear that my sin is multiplied."

The wife replied, "Oh man! We have been struggling and suffering from poverty with you for the last 50 years, and you have four daughters, two sisters, my mother and me, and you are the ninth. Keep all the money and feed us, for we are hungry, and clothe us, for you know better our situation. Perhaps Allah the Almighty will make you rich afterwards and you might be able to give the money back after you have fed your children, or Allah will pay the amount you owe on the day when the kingdom will belong to the King (Allah)."

The old exclaimed, "Will I consume Haraam (unlawful) after 86 years of my life, and burn my organs with fire after I have been patient with my poverty, and become worthy of Allah's anger, even though I am close to my grave? No, by Allah, I will not do so!"

I left amazed at his condition and that of his wife.

Later I heard the owner of the pouch calling out again, and the old man repeated his advise. This time he asked for 10 dinars instead of a hundred.

The Khurasani refused.

The people dispersed and left. Later, once again, the Khurasani made the same call.

The old man came again and said, "Khurasani, I said to you the day before yesterday to reward the finder a hundred dinars and you refused. Then I advised you to give him ten dinars and you refused. So will you give only one dinar so that he can buy with half of it things he needs and with the other half sheep's milk so that he can give to the people and feed his children?"

The Khurasani again refused.

The old man said angrily, "Come and take your money so that I can sleep at night, for I have not been in a good mood ever since I found this money."

So the old man went with the owner of the money and I followed them until the old man entered his house, dug a hole, and pulled out the money and said, "Take your money and ask Allah to forgive me and bless me from His bounty."

The Khurasani then said, "Old man, my father died — may Allah have mercy on him — and left behind three thousand dinars and said to me, 'Take out a third of this money and give it to a person from the people who is most deserving of it.'

By Allah, I have not seen a person since I left Khurasan until now, who is more worthy of it than you. So take it, may Allah's blessing be upon you, and may He reward you for the trust you kept and your patience during poverty."

The Khurasani man left without the money.

The old man wept and prayed, "May Allah bless the owner of the money in his grave, and may Allah bless his son."

I left after the Khurasani but Abu Ghayth, the old man, brought me back. He said, "I have seen you following me since the first day; you have come to know of our situation yesterday and today. So this is a gift from Allah to all those attending."

The old man called his daughters, his sisters, and his wife and her mother, and sat down and made me sit down. We were 10. The old man gave out the dinars one by one in order until he reached me and said, "Here is a dinar." The process continued until the bag was empty and I received a hundred dinars.

So joy filled my heart because of the provision they received, more than the joy I had because I received a hundred dinars.

When I was leaving the old man said, "Young man, you are blessed. Keep this money with you, for it is Halal. And know that I used to wake up for Fajr Prayer with this wet shirt. After I was done I would take it off and give it to my daughters so that they could pray, one by one. Then I would go to work between Zuhr Prayer and Asr Prayer and then I would come back at the end of the day with what Allah has given me of dates and dry pieces of bread. Then I would take off my clothes for my daughters and they would pray Zhuhr and
`Asr, and the same would happen for the Maghrib and `Isha' Prayers. And we did not ever expect to see this kind of money. So may Allah make us make good use of them, and may Allah bless the person in his grave and multiply the reward for him."

So I told him goodbye and took the hundred dinars and used them to write knowledge for two years. I used it to buy paper and pay rent, and after 16 years I returned to Makkah and inquired about the old man. I was told that he had died a few months after the incident that occurred between us. His wife had died, along with her mother and his two sisters. The only ones that remained were the daughters, who, I found upon asking, were married to kings and princes. I dropped by and they honored me as a guest and treated me kindly until they died also. So May Allah bless them in their graves.

"...And whosoever fears Allah and keeps his duty to Him, He will make a way for him to get out (from every difficulty). And He will provide him from (sources) he never could imagine. And whosoever puts his trust in Allâh, then He will suffice him..." *(Qur'an, 65:2-3).

Yearning to get away

Slm..
I noticed something about me that I never realized before..and I am unsure what it means to me as a person...

It's like this: If the actions/words or anything of another person hurt me, my family or my friends then I'll be prejudiced to react negatively to this person or anything associated to that person.

Basically, if I don't like you then anything you do, say or write would get the same treatment. I won't give it my time of day to even consider what's coming from you might be right or make sense. You could be forwarding me cute beneficial emails but I can't stand to read it. You might as well giving me a sermon but I would be suspicious of your intentions. All of it feels hypocritical.

But this only happens when I've given ample time to consider where that person stand. I try to hold a positive view of people: even when all around people say bad things, I stick around and see if it is true and only change my views whenever those things affect me personally. I don't jump to conclusion often, I consciously try to do this because this doesn't come natural to me [constant upgrading of self..huhuhu I am still sadly a beta version, far from complete]. I am, after all, a firm believer of second chances. Even third, fourth or fifth chance if that person deserve it. But anymore than that, sorry and goodbye because you're making a fool of me.

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me

Does this mean that I am a tad emotional?
Maybe. Or this is just another emotional defense mechanism.

I think this is an unfavorable and potentially damaging trait to have. I stand to lose so much if I let misguided preconceptions lead the way I go through life.
Got to control this!
Leave it all to the Almighty because my small self can't handle it.
This thought alone gives me strength. I leave the matter to Allah as I don't want to think about it.

Right now, I want to finish my project ASAP so that I could get away from here.
Right now, I'm yearning to move on.