Stupid endurance

Kurang Ajar

Sebuah perkataan yang paling ditakuti
Untuk bangsa kita yang pemalu.

Sekarang kata ini kuajarkan pada anakku;
Kau harus menjadi manusia kurang ajar
Untuk tidak mewarisi malu ayahmu.

Lihat petani-petani yang kurang ajar
Memiliki tanah dengan caranya
Sebelumnya mereka tak punya apa
Kerana ajaran malu dari bangsanya.

Suatu bangsa tidak menjadi besar
Tanpa memiliki sifat kurang ajar.

Usman Awang

Please, read about the Headscarf Martyr here.
There is not much hype surrounding this case. People just don't care anymore. It pales in comparison to everything else that happens in their little lives.
However, I am puzzled: if hijab is a form of oppression on women but the ones wearing it are not forced to do so, wouldn't fighting against it would be oppression of expressing one's religion?
Hmm...

Islamophobia is real.
There is even a concerted effort to keep it alive.
Looking around the world today, I am amazed at the extent of how we endure all the s**t that the world choose to throw to us whenever they like.

I'm thinking, is Islamophobia even infected by Muslim themselves that it pains and embarrass us to show our beliefs?
Our disease: Cinta dunia dan takut mati.

People,
If it is our right, fight for it.
If you think that it is yours, you got to take it and not just bow out defeated when it is not given to you.
If you put such low esteem of yourself, then be rest assured that the world won't raise your price.

Malu tak bertempat bukan malu, tapi bodoh.

Ghosts of old friends past

Yesterday I went to a solat hajat function at my dad's friend's house at Laman Seri. I never thought I'd bump into anyone, so I was surprised to see three of my old schoolmates turning up there.
Haha, in truth I was shy, that is why I pretended not to see them. Kinda cruel eh? But they did the same thing too. So I didn't feel so guilty.
However, at the end of the function, those guys went for a tour of the house. I envy them, as they had a first class view of the house, which by the way costs RM 1.2 million. Yes, million. But only just for the house, for renovation Uncle Topa had to rake in another million. So, all in all the house I went yesterday costs RM 2 million! Gile kan. That is the main reason I went hehe, yela, mane nak dapat peluang pergi rumah juta-juta kan?
After those guys completed the tour, I was at the dining table helping myself to very generous helpings of brownies, watermelon and pulasan. I didn't know anyone there, so me and my sister stuck like a leech to my mom, she's the only one talking. So, rather than waste my time listening to endless chatter I distracted myself by eating those sweet fruits :)
Then Aisyah, daughter of my dad's friend called me to say that those guys said that they know me as their old schoolmate but was too shy to talk to me. Haha, I didn't realize boys can also be shy. Sama lah kita! Haha
I just brushed aside my fear of potential embarassment and awkwardness and just went up to talk to them. My God, they were a funny lot! Both sides were shy so maybe that is why it all went on like it did. We talked, but we never sat down even after the conversation went on for a long time. I don't know why, but one of them said that even when they were working they never sat down. Ah well, what can I say, even if they were pulling my leg I can't tell. They joke incessantly, with poker faces that don't betray their humour. It's like watching a sketch, all of them have just the right chemistry: macam Sepah Raja Lawak. (I don't know what thay'd do if they knew what I said hahaha).
I asked news about old schoolmates as I didn't know much. I am really bad at keeping in touch, that I know. It's not that I don't want to, but somehow I just got carried away with the current flow of life that those I left behind just drifted apart... sad eh? I think that they thought I didn't bother to keep in touch. For having given all of you that perspective, I am so sorry.
However, at the end one of them asked me if I was single. I was stunned. They were very direct and sometimes the earlier conversations felt like an interrogation. I was at loss as how to answer the Q. In my head: if I said I attached, that'd be lying. But if I said I was single, wouldn't that be desperate? Oh, s**t.
In retrospective, I should've handled it as a joke right? Along the lines of: "apasal? Ko nak ngorat aku ke?" or "why? ur available?" hahahaha, seriously, that'll render them speechless. I don't think they are familiar with my ability to drop bombs like that (bombs that sometimes burn me too huhu).
I ended up evading to answer the question. I just smiled a smile with a thousand meanings. But then, he said with all the drama he can muster, the best advice I've had about being single:

It's ok to be single

Haha! Plain brilliant! If I can I'd salute you!
...We didn't exchange numbers, thay didn't ask me directly, they only implied it. Being the blur person that I am, I don't know what to do. However, thay did say they'll add me at Facebook. Were they just joking? Beats me. I can't tell! Nevertheless, I tried searching for them and add them myself. Just to show goodwill between friends. I really appreciate that they talked to me, I was unable to do so on my own. Who would've thought that the ones that crossed our lives in the past would do so now in the present? Hope that all the friends that I've made in the past, would be with me always in the future :)

Cloudy path ahead

You're the kind of person who just can't settle for anything less than the whole shebang. That's the way you are on a daily basis, but the way you're feeling now ... well, let's just say that you won't even be able to fake being satisfied if you're not. And that will be true for just about any department of life. When it comes down to the issue of love, you seek genuine connections

Haha...this is kinda eerie. Btw, this is my horoscope for today. I sure don't need the stars telling me something that I already feel but fail to articulate. Words pertaining to abstract emotions or other intangible feelings don't come easily to me.
So much on my mind: the dead end that I foresee ahead, the unsatisfactory current situations and the fear of the future when I'll be thrust with responsibilities that I am unsure I can carry or not.

Can I do my part when it is asked of me? Or will I fail miserably?
I pray that all goes well. InsyaAllah.

3 wishes

As someone in Wonderland said to Alice, it's best to try to believe at least three impossible things before breakfast. The funny thing is once you let yourself believe them, they don't seem all that impossible to begin with. The first step is to let yourself believe that such benevolence is in store for you. So go ahead -- what are three wonderful, lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that you want in your life?

This is my horoscope for today.
You got to admit, it's an interesting question right?
If I dare to list 3 wonderful, lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that I want in my life, I will put:

- A fairytale love story only possible in books, but minus the evil magicians and trolls.
You know, if I could wish it then I'll choose the first meeting for me and my prince (oh, mcm geli pulak haha) would be what Eli Wallach said in The Holiday (2006):

Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at each other and that's the 'meet cute.'

Wahaha! That, I know is definitely a lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that I want (yes, I am actually a hopeless romantic) :p

- A fully sponsored trip around the world with no strings attached
It's really tempting to just pack up and go anywhere you want with the ones you care about right? Just to go around seeing beautiful historical places like Greece or Paris or Venice (basically anywhere) with family and friends, followed by a delicious and extraordinary dinner at a fancy restaurant and then end the day at a mega expensive hotel in the presidential suite. I would savor every moment and take pictures of every detail so that when finally reality knocks on the door, there's a way to escape and reminisce the times past.

- Graduate within the next 5 months and then work at a fabulously posh office that has a big window with a beautiful view and of course, a salary that is more than RM5k!
I think it'll be heaven on earth if I could get this last wish. Enough said.

But hey, dreams and hopes are prayers our heart gives silently. So maybe, just a tiny definitely maybe, dreams can come true due to the relentless wanting of the heart :)

God vs science: the silly debate that's not easy to win

one of us - Joan Osborne

It makes me sad listening to this song.
The singer seem so... alone.
It's like a girl walking with a black umbrella under the night rain, just looking down. Her steps are quick, but just by looking at her you know there's something weighing heavy in her heart. No one cares, and she knows it as a hard truth because even though she's trudging along, it ain't easy being alone. In her mind, she's trying to make sense of it all. Looking around, everyone just looked ordinary, everything is so mediocre, everywhere there's injustice: there are no miracles.
So she's wondering, where is God?

Sometimes it is hard for some people to find God. I think it shouldn't be that hard. All that we have to do is open our hearts and minds and not let ourselves be tied down by small thinking because something so big can't be fit into something so small. Truth is; we are too weak and recognizing this would make us less arrogant of our beliefs that Man is supreme. We refuse to believe that we are indeed just a minuscule being, like an insignificant dust in the universe.

Try reading these:
Language of ignorance
If God could talk, what would he say?

All these stemmed from the book entitled The Language of God by renowned scientist Francis Collins. He is now a devout Christian. In his book, he tries to convince readers that there is indeed God and observances of life supports this.
The premise of his arguments are there, but not carried out convincing enough that people saw through the loopholes. He is a great scientist, so it's no problem for him to defend his science. But what about theology? It's a whole different playing field.
People must only talk about what they know because dumbness shows in ways you cannot imagine. That's what I think anyway.
There is no doubt for me that there is a God. The evidence are too clear. There are too many coincidences that defy logic so that I can come to the conclusion that there is a God that presides over everything. However, consciousness is not easy to be articulated. When confronted, how can I defend my stand? Can you defend your stand, whatever it might be?
What is playing in my mind is what do we do when the time comes when Islam is faced with such crass rationality and blatant resistance to reasoning? We are cursed with secularism, a direct implication of our inability to relate science with religion. Yes, it is our inability. The association is too much for us to handle so, to make it easier to understand we made the stupid decision to separate them both and put it against one another. Now, the scientist are all busy with their science while the pious people are busy with their religion, each ignoring the existence of the other and waiting for the final confrontation between science and religion.
Tell me, when that time comes, would we be ready?

Numbed

I wake up everyday with new hope, re-energized and ready to start the day. Every morning brings optimism and a feeling that, "Yes, today I can conquer the world".
After a while, realization dawned.
Life is not a bed of roses, but it's not a pile of shit either.
It's how you go around it.
So I go to work, not caring of the slight traffic because that way I'll hear more songs on the radio (the short drive from my rented room to UiTM is only 5 minutes away, 10 minutes if the traffic have already build up).
But when arriving at the workplace and see the face behind closed doors, dread overpowers the mind. That is when all the alerts in your head starts going off like crazy and the heart starts its uneven beating. In my head, "Who's next?" while tiptoeing to my desk.
Optimism is suddenly down to only 70% but it's still ok, just as long that I keep watching my back and prevent myself from stepping on a landmine. Proceed work as always.
Then, someone came and it bursts my bubble again because in my head, "alaahhhh..." Optimism is not affected but then, the heart feels heavier, like an increase of 30%.
Oh, man.
Then comes the next thing that fills me with dread: checking my email.
If nothing, then Ok. But if there's something...better not go there. Just describing it feels scary.
.
.
.
I envy my friend down at level 6. She's brilliant under pressure. Whenever stressed, it compels her to go higher, go deeper, go beyond than what is expected of her.
Am I unwilling to go the extra mile? Unwilling to carry out the sacrifices demanded by the circumstances?
Sometimes I think all of it are just products of a crazy and irrational moment that would pass (I hope). The way I'm living now is silly, I don't really like it. We are not living in times of war, but God, it feels so. We are not POW, but somehow we're conquered.
Sincerity is of utmost importance in all things we get ourselves involved in. I place high importance in the philosophy of work done. So for me when there's no sincerity, there's no way I can veil my heart so that it'll not realize the hypocrisy of it all. The people around me all said that I should only do something for the right reasons and not because someone demand you to, not because complying would placate them and not rekindle their fiery wrath. Do it because it is your responsibility, because it is your own qualification that you're busting your ass for.
I have to take this advice and rewire my mind.
Why?
Because lying to oneself is a sin I don't plan on getting numb over.

Reminder to self: renovation's in order!

Some people just seem perfect.
Even after the hardest ordeals, that leave us ordinary mortal beings drenching with sweat and look as though a stampede of elephants have trampled all over you: these people still have flawless hair, a nicely shaped tudung and no sweat spots whatsoever.
All that I can say is: wow.
Me? I'm always comot. Especially after a rough day at the lab that make me uncaring of my physical appearance. A big part of it may be because I sincerely believe no one is watching and no one truly care how I turn up at work. We graduate students (if not all, then ok, just me :P) tend to flower the backgrounds, lurking in the shadows of our lab until the time we emerge suddenly at graduation. Like a butterfly escaping a cacoon. heh.
Aiyoh, that's not good right?
Hm..
Why do we need to be beautiful anyway? No use complying to the twisted fantasies of the masses about the picture of the perfect girl.
Well, my answer to this is simply because we can and we have to.
Because...
Everyone of us is an ambassador, a symbol to all that we believe in. So if your appearance looks as though you've just been mauled by a tiger or just fell down a gutter, will people respect you and even take a minute to hear what you have to say? People love generalizations. It is easier, coz that way they won't waste anytime or energy trying to figure you out. So think of how it would reflect on your beliefs if you're always careless with what you project from yourself.
Have respect, to yourself especially. Don't do an injustice by intentionally being unkempt. If you are given the gift of complete sets of body parts and all are fully functioning, no one can tell you that you're less than beautiful. Psst..but don't go around telling people that, or you'll turn ugly automatically huhuhu.
Sure, it is hard to be like the aforesaid "perfect" beings. So maybe I'll just settle with being "comfortably elegant" or "comfortably stylish" ==> even if there's nobody watching. Haha.

Stubborn fools

People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools
~Alice Walker

Every 5 minutes I kept glancing at my watch, "Oh, I'm running late and I haven't done my prayers yet. Oh, minta2 x kena panah petir!"

So I hurried a bit in doing the sample processing. Then when I arrived at one of the steps in the process that allow me to have 45 minutes on the timer, I went to the ladies' surau for Asar prayer. This is part and parcel of a postgraduate life: every moment dictated by the timer.
However, arriving at the surau I saw a cleaner girl wearing the telekung and rummaging through the few religious book they keep on the rack. Ah, at least I'm not alone. I smiled and she smiled politely back. She seem quite young, I wouldn't put her past early 20s. She has a yellowish complexion and although her face has red little acne marks, it doesn't mar her beauty. I still think her as pleasant to look at. She also looked new on the job as she didn't seem quite at ease in the surau. However, I didn't say anything to her as I hurried to perform my prayers as I was afraid I would be late and be struck by lightning.

After I finished and was just sitting on the prayer mat I noticed something disturbing: she is sitting on her prayer rug but facing a completely different kiblat from me! It was about 45 degrees off from the actual direction. The difference was so stark that it's as if our two prayer mats were forming an inverted 'V' shape.

I was puzzled and confused: didn't she see the direction I'm facing while solat? Ok, so maybe she doesn't believe me, ye la, muka xleh percaye je ni. But then, UiTM has put the kiblat direction on the ceiling, even the tiles are arranged in such a way to reflect the kiblat. All plain as day. Why does she choose to ignore all these and just go on with the thick headed idea of just praying facing anywhere she feels like it?

I was at a war with myself, what do I do? She is already grown up and should have known better. Oh, I really don't like if I have to be the one stating the obvious.

Then I said, "Kak, kenapa tak ikut arah kiblat tu?" while my hand is pointing toward the kiblat sign and one eyebrow upward. She just looked at me dumbly with big innocent eyes and said softly, "Oh, bukan arah ni ke?" and then mumbling something unintelligible. Then she moved her rug toward the right direction and never glanced at me again. I half expected her to solat again but she didn't. I was doubly confused...doesnt' she have to repeat? She is not doing anything, just sitting there on the rug staring out to space, most likely daydreaming. I was confused and I didn't know what to do, so I just shrugged my shoulders and left..all the while thinking: I would never want to be like those kind of people that turn their backs at the truth even when the truth stare at them in the face. It was so obvious! What do these people want? Does the sign have to be adorned with bright blinking neon lights to make her see and heed?

Actually, this is not the first time you know, the other day I also spotted a group of girls doing the same thing. That was more frustating as they are facing a different kiblat among all the other students there, and there were many! And the other students said nothing: maybe they didn't notice or couldn't care less. I also told these girls the right kiblat, but then they just said, "oh, ye ke" and then do nothing. Are they blind? Or do they need proof? Maybe they don't believe the kiblat sign on the ceiling, in their heads: what is your proof saying that direction is right and ours is wrong? --- I really don't know what to say. It is beyond me.

For me, this is concrete proof that truth is not ours: it is ultimately Allah's because it is He who determine who gets the revelation or not. If they refuse to see the truth, for whatever reason, we can't do anything but pray that someday they'll get back on track.

Sometimes, all the signs are there that it is bordering on stupid to ignore them and just go on with our distorted idea of perfect living. The question of why we don't want to follow the true path is valid and we should all ask ourselves that.

Why resist when the signs are so clear?

Maybe no one knows the answer to this. You have the knowledge, the ability and the freedom but if you choose to go down the dark road...no one can save you except Allah. Period.

Orang tua nyanyuk

Sometimes I think my heart is made of jelly. I shake and precariously on the edge of toppling over at the slightest touch.
Ah, maybe it's just me getting old: nowadays I easily get hurt, especially concerning loved ones. I can't communicate as I think they would say, "Apalah Kak Lisa ni" and just shrug off what I wanted to say as insignificant and unnecessary.
Maybe this is how old people with dementia (nyanyuk) feels.

Oh, tuanya saya rasa!