Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future ~Oscar Wilde

Have you been to a store, and saw the shining apples?
It has the shade of the darkest red, plump and promise to be the most juicy, sweet and delicious apple you've tasted in all your years on this earth.
However, reaching into your pockets, you realize that you can never taste those apples as you don't have any money to pay for them, if you go on buying, there'll be hell to pay. As you contemplate whether it is worth it to buy those apples, you notice at the corner of your eye that someone else also noticed those apples. But unlike you, stuck in your hesitation, that someone just go and grab those apples and paid the necessary price to the fruit seller.
How your heart is crushed, wrenched by watching something slip by so easily. What's more, the apple buyer decides to rub it in by taking a bite in front of you. Oh, how you wish you can punch him.
As you stand there imagining various ways to get back at him for cutting in, a distant exclamation clawed through the haze of your discontentment, "Oh, those apples were not that sweet anyway" he said while leaving the store with a bag full of apples.
You just stare at him, disbelieving your own ears and your eyes follow him until he's out of sight.
.
.
.
I have a weird question. What if you're the apples?
Ha! Surely that never crossed your minds. You thought I wanted to talk about the slow decision maker that was left high and dry because he was too slow to take what he wanted?
Sorry, but I'm concerned more with them apples :p

OK, so once more: what if you're the apples?
Regaled as the most beautiful, the most sweet, the most revered. You are the embodiment of everything good, that you can do no wrong. That anyone who got your attention is surely a lucky fool.
But then, suddenly you slip. It turns out that you, the living sunshine, also have your own darkness too.
How frustrated your worshipers would feel. How wretchedly rejected you would feel.
But all along, you were just being an ordinary apple. It was not you yourself who put you on a pedestal.
Is it your fault?
You have tried your best, to be all that you can be. Always searching for ways to better yourself, to inch nearer to visions of perfection. Isn't that what all of us should do? None of us is born perfect, all are tainted. What we have to do is try to cleanse ourselves, striving to be better. So it shouldn't be that big a surprise that humans are no angels.
For me, I think the burden of being a beautiful apple is too much to bear. I'd rather be an ordinary banana (bad joke, I know :p). I am just an ordinary human, trying very hard to make something out of myself. So don't be so frustrated that I don't live up to your expectations. Living to mine is hard enough.
So let's just accept the reality of our imperfections and try to complement each other in living this life. Maybe we'll fare better in the end by being together ;)

* I'm writing this in response to an old friend that said to me, "Kau berselindung disebalik lurus". I feel like it's a serious accusation, as if I am hypocritical in leading my life. It is true that I search for space to better myself but I've never hid behind a facade. What you see is what you get. No more, no less.

Say it simply. We cannot love and be limited

I like not only to be loved, but also to be told that I am loved. I am not sure that you are of the same mind. But the realm of silence is large enough beyond the grave. This is the world of light and speech, and I shall take leave to tell you that you are very dear.
~George Eliot

Love= Overrated

*WARNING! Post jiwang merepek!*

Batu

batu mawar
batu langit
batu duka
batu rindu
batu jarum
batu bisu
kaukah itu
teka teki yang tak menepati janji?

Dengan seribu gunung langit tak runtuh
Dengan seribu perawan hati tak jatuh
Dengan seribu sibuk sepi tak mati
Dengan seribu beringin ingin tak teduh.
Dengan siapa aku mengeluh?
Mengapa jam harus berdenyut sedang darah tak sampai
Mengapa gunung harus meletus sedang langit tak sampai
Mengapa peluk diketatkan sedang hati tak sampai
Mengapa tangan melambai sedang lambai tak sampai.
Kau tahu?

batu risau
batu pukau
batu Kau-ku
batu sepi
batu ngilu
batu bisu
kaukah itu teka teki yang tak menepati janji?

~ Sutardji Calzoum Bachri

It's hard because you can never choose the one you love. Love is not a thing, nor a given right. It is to me a gift bestowed by the Almighty as a means for us to fill the void so stark in our hearts. We are all empty. That is why we search everywhere to fill the nothingness.
As it is a gift, not everyone gets it. It could be given to both at the same time: that's love at first sight. It could be given to one first and then after some time the other person gets it. But it could also be given to you, but never to the other person. Of the reason behind that, we can never question. No use trying to figure out things like that.
In the poem, it reads like an injustice that a love given freely is not reciprocated. Yes, it is puzzling that a love so strong could not be felt by the other. Like screaming to deaf ears. They don't hear you.
You keep on asking why, knowing full well there is no answer. The gift of feeling love is given to you alone, don't that make you special in a hurtful kind of way? But special nonetheless. But if we know our place isn't to question, we'll eventually move on.
Don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by love. It is the riddle everyone trying to figure out since forever and it is also seem to be the answer to everything in this life. But is it?
Sometimes I think it is overrated. Yes, it is a grand mystery but love is not all there is to it. In addition to love, there's faith, hope, responsibility, loyalty, admiration, obsession. Each of these could not be a substitute for another, but not one is greater or less than the other.
Now, I feel like I need a break from "love". Maybe, for me unrequited love is love incomplete. Thus, it must be avoided.
How about we concentrate on the other emotions for a change? We have to cheer up the lost lovers, trapped in a one-way love. Tell them that there's more, so much more out there. Maybe not as sweet, but sweet nonetheless.

Melawan adat memilih

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
~Anais Nin

Selalu aku bertanya pada diri aku sendiri: kenapa kita selalu suka pada yang membuatkan kita sedih? Kita selalu, tanpa ada keinginan untuk berbuat demikian, meminta pada yang tidak dapat memberi. Betapa banyak hati yang hancur mendambakan cinta sekilas dari kekasih. Kenapa tak boleh berpaling begitu saja? Dia bukan untuk kau, walau betapa kau mendoakan dirinya.

Selalu mak pesan, kalau mencari teman, biar yang mencintai kita. Jangan kita saja yang mencintai dia. Ertikata lain, janganlah syok sendiri.

Susah nanti. Kita perempuan senang, kita dapat tahan dan suka dengan dia nanti. Yang penting dia sayang kita

Itu yang mak aku cakap dan aku percaya sepenuhnya. Walaupun aku rasa aku tidak dapat mengikutinya. Memang, aku tahu aku ni jujur tak bertempat.

Kadang- kadang aku rasa tidak adil yang perempuan saja yang ada rasa tanggungjawab itu, yang mempunyai kekuatan untuk hidup dengan seseorang yang tidak dicintai semata- mata demi masa depan yang lebih terjamin. Berkorban seluruh ketenangan hidup, untuk kesenangan hidup.

Berteka-teki hati orang memang perkara yang memberatkan hati dan memenatkan fikiran. Bagi aku senang, kalau tak suka buatlah seperti tak suka. Tak setuju, buatlah seperti tak setuju. Aku benci dengan teka teki sebab tekaan selalu salah, selalu tersasar. Macam inilah, kalau hendak berteka- teka mestilah perlu melihat pada tanda- tanda yang ditunjukkan. Tanda- tandanya pula terarah pula pada yang yang diharapkan, seperti janji dalam diam. Akhirnya nanti bila sampai waktu mengetahui hakikat, pasti tiada lansung persediaan untuk menghadapi jawapan yang lain dari yang diteka. Lepas tu hancur.

Untuk mengelak dari terjerat permainan itu, ramai yang memilih untuk bersama sesiapa sahaja yang ingin mencintainya tanpa perlu mengetahui adakah dia sendiri rasa perkara yang sama. Semua itu tak penting lagi. Cinta sudah menjadi perkara fantasi. Tutup rasa hati, pakai topeng realiti dan teruskan hidup. Perempuan senang, cinta atau tanggungjawab pasti akan menyelamatkan perhubungan itu nanti. Kalau degil mempercayai cinta, dikatakan naif dan terlalu memilih.

Tapi, kalau teruskan begini bolehkah wanita itu menjadi sayap kiri pada suami? Berada disisinya semata-mata kerana dikehendaki berada disana, bukan kerana mahu berada disana. Perlu dan mahu adalah dua perkara yang sangat berbeza.

Jadi, salahkah mahu sesuatu yang lebih dari biasa?

Fikirkan peranan am isteri:

• Mendidik dan menjaga anak
• Menjaga makan pakai suami
• Menguruskan rumahtangga
• Menyokong suami

Lihat pula peranan am suami:

• Mencari rezeki dan memberi nafkah
• Menjaga keluarga

Ada lagi? Tapi lelaki ini aku rasa tanggungjawabnya lebih pada yang luar dari keluarga sendiri seperti:

• Menjaga ibubapanya
• Menyelesaikan hal- hal ummah (kalaulah dapat re phrase jadi x poyo sangat ( -_-*) )

Ini aku tulis berdasarkan pendapat aku saja, bukan dari segi ilmiah.

Bila diperhatikan semua, tidak adilkah kalau si perempuan menginginkan sesuatu yang lebih? Bosan dan kehilangan erti hidup jika wujud untuk menjalankan kerja saja, semata-mata tanggungjawab. Tapi, kalau dibuatnya kerana cinta maka semua itu tanggungjawab itu tidak relevan lagi kerana semuanya dilakukan dengan ikhlas, kerana isteri mahu melakukannya, malah berusaha untuk yang terbaik.

Jadi, aku rasa tak salah menginginkan yang lebih dari yang biasa. Untuk para wanita, pilihlah calon suami yang benar-benar hebat. Yang benar-benar berbaloi segala kesusahan kita nanti. Pastilah kita tidak kisah memasak, membasuh, mengemas dan mengasuh anak jika suami kita itu seseorang yang benar- benar menghargai pergorbanan itu. Yang tahu menilai pilihan kita untuk terus bersamanya dari mengejar kehidupan yang pasti lebih hebat diluar sana. Biar dia seorang yang worth it.

Ini tidak, tandatangan surat nikah macam buat deal with the devil. Automatik si isteri teruk-teruk dibebani tanggungjawab tapi tidak pula untuk si suami. Kalau lelaki jika dah bujang terlajak, dipujuk dengan kata-kata "Nanti ada yang menjaga makan pakai. Senang kau nanti"

Mengada betul. Kalau perempuan pula mana ada dipujuk dengan kata- kata itu? Sebab dialah nanti yang buat semua. Sebenarnya tidak kisah, asalkan si suami pun menjalankan tanggungjawabnya. Seperti yang aku pernah baca: bersinergi untuk menghasilkan sesuatu yang hebat.

Untuk para lelaki pula, jadilah seorang yang hebat. Bezakan peranan yang dituntut syariat dan yang dituntut adat. Kalau sistem tak adil, kenapa degil hendak mengikut sistem? Tanggungjawab sama-sama berat malah si ibu pasti lebih berat, janganlah perasan sangat.


p/s: Kawan aku pernah membuat analisis yang aku ini queen control. Lawak. Memanglah, kalau mencari gadis ayu yang lengkap ilmu rumah tangga dan menurut saja dengan senyap dan sopan, aku katakan: salah orang.

Movie 1: Primal Fear

I made a deal with my friend to review the movies I watch in defense of my opinion that you can actually learn something from movies and it is not a total waste of time. Here's to you, Mazin! ;)



Film: Primal Fear
Main cast: Richard Gere, Edward Norton
Genre: Courtroom drama
To access overview of the film: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0117381/

My take on this film:
Ok, about the movie, I'd say it's a great movie and very enjoyable: it even won several awards and was nominated for an Oscar. The story is about a bigshot lawyer who took it upon himself to defend an altar boy accused of brutally murdering a priest in cold blood. The murder was gruesome and sadistic: an indication that it was a crime of passion. What implicated Aaron, the altar boy is the fact that he was found to be covered in the victim's blood. It was supposed to be a clear cut case without any elaborate trial but ceased to be so when Martin, the lawyer decided to represent Aaron. I am unclear as why he volunteered in the first place, but maybe it's just for publicity. In it he says that even a cold blooded murderer deserves a right for counsel and a fair trial because of the possibility that an innocent man could be punished for something he didn't commit. I think this is also true for syariah laws right? it is better to let a guilty man go than punishing an innocent man. So that is what Martin believes: a person is innocent until proven guilty.

For me, although in theory I agree on this, it is often hard to keep an open mind. It is easier to assume things, sterotyping so that human nature becomes more manageable. We often cloud our judgment with emotions and misplaced intuition. That is why clever manipulative people would play the crowd and win them over with appearances and effective oratory skills. The ability to withold judgment pending more evidence is in essence a trial on faith and patience. If all of us can do this, then the world would be a better place as there is more room for understanding and tolerance. Justice is for everyone, even if he is a serial killer.

Another thing, the accused's personality and demeanor does not suggest at all that he is capable of such heinous acts. He appears to be weak, he stutters and he's quiet and polite. Look as though he couldn't hurt a fly. This is why Martin believes that Aaron is innocent. He vehemently asserted Aaron's innocence although everyone believes that Aaron is guilty as hell. Martin went to great lengths to defend Aaron, pulling every string that he could. Martin even arranged for a neurologist (instead of a psychologist==> mesti la kene attack masa defend coz it's not her field, duh) to assess Aaron's personality in order to prove that Aaron is incapable of committing a gruesome murder. However, in the course of the specialist assessment Aaron shows sign of having multiple personality disorder: Aaron when threatened would revert to his other self, a sinister character called Roy. Roy is a version of Aaron that is uninhabited, violent and totally opposite of the mousy Aaron.
The situation in the court is not favorable for Aaron unless he pleads innocence on grounds of insanity, coz that way he'll be sent to an asylum with a chance for freedom a few years down the road. However, it is not permitted to change pleas during trial so Martin made a cunning trick in his defense to turn the tables around and he succeeded.
.
.
.
but then a twist right in the end revealed that actually Aaron was faking it all. There was never a Roy, an Aaron. Truth is, from whomever the story comes from it is still the same: he did it.

So goes the story with a nice twist in the end. Interesting?
I think I can understand why Aaron did what he did. he was set for a sure death but then a saviour comes to save his ass. Aaron is very smart in devising a plan for him to escape from his fate and he did it convincingly too. I think he is a psychopath and a smart one at that. He does not know how to discern right and wrong and he felt no remorse for the things he committed. He said that he and Martin were as if two people dancing to a tune to fool everyone. All is like a stage game for him. His one aim is to escape death with any means possible and he achieved it.
As for Martin, what goes on tumultuously in his heart, once he know that Aaron is a real murderer? What is a lawyer to do when confronted with that kind of crossroad? If he chose to reveal the truth, he'll bring shame to himself because just as easiliy Aaron fooled him, Aaron could fool others and turn them against Martin. If he chose to remain silent, he'll win a case and publicity for himself but his soul will be forever tortured with the knowledge that he just let a killer out into the street. I think that not many would have the guts and brains to stand up for the truth. They'll just wash their hands off it and move on with their lives. Just a little black dot in their perfectly sunny little lives that they'll live forever anxious that someday his skeletons would be let out of the closet. They'll rationalize it somehow that what transpires is beyond their power. I fear this is what plague us now: the rationalization escape route. Everything feels so distant from us so it doesn't concern us. The dangers of apathy.
At the end of the movie it shows Martin walking, very sure of himself. He'll still be a hotshot lawyer, nothing's changed. He'll move on, rationalizing that "I did my job, if after this he decides to kill again, it is not my fault".
At a glance, it's true. You can't be responsible for the consequences of your actions while being fooled right? You, yourself didn't know the truth.
But now you do. What now?

These are the questions that arise after I watched the movie. Everyone has their own interpretation, and their own lessons to learn.
What about you?

Supermom to the rescue!

I wonder, how do mothers do it? They are in truth, Superwomen.
My parents are away for umrah, so now everything is not the same. The dynamics have changed and now I'm finding that I have to shoulder new responsibilities. Luckily I have such wonderful brother and sisters (although all very manja haha) and they have played their part in making the separation bearable. I was quite down actually because immediately after my parents left, two of my sisters were down with fever. I felt quite useless and helpless but alhamdulillah all is well now although one of my sister still haven't recovered fully (Alia, makan ubat! Jangan degil, ish).
The things in my mind and the way I think is changed because before all that I'm concerned about is my work but now I have to think about the running of the household, the accounts, my sis n bro's wellbeing, what to cook, what to buy and of course, my work. I also noticed that I even nag now! Haha, bebel saja, kesian adik- adik. I don't know, now that I've got a checklist in my head, I have to run that through others too: reminding them to do that, telling them to do this, asking them whether they have done it, nagging them incessently to do it if they haven't...alahai, dah jadi macam makcik-makcik. But I know that they are all grown up and can be counted on so I try not to nag too much.
Again, how do mothers do it?
They are simply amazing!
I feel like such a klutz trying to juggle everything, but they do it with ease and my mom even do it with style!
Aren't mothers, before they become one is a regular girl like me? How do they mange it all?
I like to think that somehow women are pre-programmed to take care of the family so I'm counting on that to ensure that I am not a total flop when I am married and have children of my own.
God, make me a supermom! haha