No algorithm for success

We need to accept that there is no algorithm for success. In fact, any such recipe would be self-defeating. The process of achieving success is irreducibly specific, irreducibly individual, and irreducibly paradoxical. It is not the realm of science, logic and analysis - it is the realm of art, precisely because art is comfortable with paradox and self-contradiction in a way that science and logic is not.

Or: "If I knew the jazz of the future, I'd play it" as someone said.

~Whimsley.typepad.com

Of prayers and wishes

The other day after prayers my sister asked me, "what did you ask from God?"

And I told her.

Some people make their wishes a secret because they believe that if it is revealed then it won't come true.

I don't know about that. For me, the more people who know a wish, then maybe for a moment it would resound in their heads for a while. Like a temporary prayer. If the dynamics of making wishes come true works like this then my chances of success would improve when there are many people who knows it, in extension more people are also asking what I want.

Hmm..suddenly I feel like taking advantage of people, using them to make my wishes come true.

If these people know how I took advantage of them, would they suddenly refuse to hear my wishes or even charge me for it? Maybe it'll become a paid service one day: I'll pray for you if you pay me enough.

This exactly the reason why the fact that the connection between subject (you) and Allah has no barriers is so important. To have a mediator would create so many problems. How about if you're shy with your wishes? Or if words fail to convey your meaning? It is not like you can communicate with brainwaves to your mediator. So the best way is to ask directly yourself.

Another reason is that if we are to require mediators for our prayers, people like me who hope for the same set of things every minute of every day would be a bore. People don't have divine patience, this is a fact. Just try this simple test: ask repeatedly for the same thing and in a matter of minutes the retort would be, "I'm trying the best I can, can you just shut up and wait?". The aggressive ones wouldn't care, they'll continue to ask anyway, but the passive ones would back away. It is the same if you're asking for different things, if it comes from one source (you) then you'll wear on their patience. They'll avoid you for sure, "Hide! Here's the person who asks too much". And there you are, running around with something to say but no one to say it to.

Kinda sad, ea?

So I am thankful that I can say things to Allah that were meant for Him only and I know that Allah will not hide from me or move away. It is me who'll hide or run away from Him.

.

.

.

During these times of unresolved issues, some one said to me, "You must listen to your heart. But you must know how to differentiate the whispers of angels from the whispers of the devil."

This is tall order for me, I think they sound the same sometimes!

The boundaries of right and wrong are blurred and the future has never been ours to know. We only have this moment, this brief second. This is actually the defining moment. So, you better make it count.

(p/s: Good luck!)

Careless heart in a game to lose

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

~Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

I don't like this feeling of being weak. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for wanting something so unattainable.

You don't even know I exist, I know. I've been spending my days and nights playing with schemes to "accidentally" make myself known, or for you to magically say "hi" to me.

Crazy. And childish.

Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself.

But I never cease to question myself, "why you?"

No one can answer that.

You just popped into my mind one day and decide to stay in my heart.

I wish I can purge you out.

The heart never learns as it plays by its own rules.

I wish it wasn't so.

No one can know, because it'd be embarrassing.

And because I can't have you, I resolve to keep on moving, to keep on running.

Maybe I'll busy myself so that there is no chance to think about you. Bury myself in search of earthly transient fulfillment in my budding career or anywhere that I'm sure you are not there.

Because I just can't accept that I let the heart to be so loose that it could be broken by just anyone. This is absolutely unacceptable.

It's like you're holding a tiny glass diamond everywhere you go. But without you realizing it, this particular glass diamond has the tendency to fall off your grip at the most inopportune time, mostly without you realizing it. Then somebody from out of nowhere, walking by in a rush, accidentally trampled on it and broke it to pieces. So you're left with a broken ornament. There is no one to demand repair, because they did not realize it. Furthermore, they are long gone now. So nothing left to do but to pick it up, patch it all up again or get a new one and resolve to never it let it drop again so carelessly. Because it is so costly to replace or repair, you better not let it drop again.

...

So what now?

Nothing.

Because the things in your heart, while its still in your heart, it is still valuable and safe. But once you let it out, then things are not yours to control anymore. Remember this quote,

" Love is like a game of cards, if they know what cards you're playing then they control how the game would end"

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'Azim

The magic button — Make Everything OK

The magic button — Make Everything OK

This is truly something :)

The scarcity of a hero

If anyone has been following the revelation of events in Malaysia then they'll hear about Bersih 2.0.

I don't know about you, but writing it like that "Bersih 2.0" makes me think of some kind of software. Or a detergent. Maybe the detergent thing is what the organizers aim for...

.

.

.

All of these events and the plethora of information from both sides could easily confuse anyone. There is always two sides of a story, everything could be interpreted to fit any emotion, to fit any aim.

So among all these shades of meaning, wherein lies the truth?

The answer would vary according to whom I ask, because their views are entirely unique and subjective. If I were to do a questionnaire about this and examine the reasons for their answer, the resulting data would be a nightmare of uncontrolled variables that would scare the living daylights of a statistician. Furthermore, all of them would give me information or tell the something that they have gone through themselves.

"They are really after their own gains"

"They misused their power"

"The election results were rigged!"

"They won't give you progress, they are just pining for a seat in Putrajaya"

"All of them are reckless, always disturbing the peace"

"We were not armed, we demonstrated in peace. Then suddenly they barge in and hit us with a tomato"

...or any variants of these.

Don't worry, I believe all of you. I believe that if each of you were to take a polygraph test, all would pass with flying colors. I believe that you wholeheartedly believe what you told me, and yes, you did not make that up. Everything is undiluted truth.

So whose side am I? Well, that would ruin the fun of guessing :p

.

.

.

However, what all of these made realize is that all of us are in dire need of a real hero. Someone with a clear mission that could not be misinterpreted or have multiple shades of meaning. In the olden days, the heroes are clear. They fight for a clear cause without any hope of getting any benefits from their battle. It is because what is right or wrong is clear cut. Plus, the ones actually shouldering the responsibilities of a leader are truly deserving of the title. They do not covet the title, they rather not bite more than they can chew because they know that they will be put to task and answer for everything that was under their influence and power.

Try doing a checklist of an ideal leader. Who fits all of these qualities now?

None!

I fear that we have arrived to a time when what is right and wrong has so blended together that you can't tell anymore which is which. To stay away from sin is almost impossible because no one can discriminate the truth from the "harmless white lies".

How to choose between two evils? I believe that neither side meant malice, they started with good enough intentions. But then things get out of hand, good intentions gets muddled with greed for personal gain or anything that wasn't supposed to mix together. Like they say,

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

So each side has their own valid arguments, they have their own grain of truth and their own skeletons in the closet. If we we choose to not side with anyone, that would just be irresponsible. However, is it permissible to hold judgment until they eradicate the contaminants to their cause?

I wonder, where are the ones who know better? Where are the ones who are strong enough to stand up and fight injustice? Where are all the scholars, the fighters, the orators, the builders? Are all of you shamed into silence?

Please, mend your weakness with a purging of the soul. Or at least, rekindle your desire for justice and truth. We are all in dire need of a hero and a clear cause to fight.

Can't you see, all are thirsty for a fight for justice? Go and make a demo everywhere. Or condemn the demo whenever the other other party does it. This thirst for standing up for your rights is a natural instinct. This is why everyone is so eager to make their stand, to make their opinions count. But if the opinions are based by structured lies by both parties to cloud over the eyes of their supporters, what is the use?

Right now, all I see is two mobs that simply want to fight. All they do is bicker, each saying that their cause is more holy. Too much drama. And of course the rest of the world would misunderstand.

I don't know about you, but I don't really trust people who talk too much and most of it just defending their stance. And I personally think "rakyat" is the most overused word for these past few years. I feel mocked. Maybe because I voted during the last elections, so what happens is kinda personal. What I want is for both sides to clean up their act and be serious for a change.

No more drama with endless episodes please!

*Hero by Nickelback playing in the background*

Saudade

The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land - all things born of the soul that can only be felt.

~ Anthony De Sa, Barnacle Love

No fitting title.

I really want to take a break from everyone, everything.

Preferably for two weeks I can wipe out my existence, and just go where I want to go, do what I want to do, feel what I want to feel.

At this point of time, there is always other people butting in, or using their power to stop me.

Let me go. I'm already miles away from here..

But the thing is, I can't. Or i won't. Same thing. I won't because I can't change the status quo or break free from the ties that hold me down. I am too responsible for that. And I am not that spontaneous.

.

.

.

*****************

I don't know if I can handle being "normal". Why they all think I want that, is beyond me.

I want to do so many things and I always thought I was meant for better things.

I always tell myself, "the world is my stage".

So whenever I see a dead end, I take a detour. Or make decisions that shake everyone expectations.

This is how I define normal: get a degree, find a decent job, get married, have kids. Then fall into a routine that goes like this: go to work each day to get as much as many as possible, then go home to spend that money, the next day repeat itself until we die.

But it looks like I am going to fall into this abyss of normality that I've always wanted to get away from. Kinda like a hamster on a wheel, working hard to get somewhere but in reality it is just trapped there in that beautiful cage.

haih...

oh well, you win some, you lose some.

.

.

.

Oh, I really got to go to the beach. It'll give me perspective.