Dark times

Out in the marsh reeds

A bird cries out in sorrow,

As though it had recalled

Something better forgotten.

~Ki No Tsurayuri (Xth century)

During this last leg of the race, I am left alone.

I am a rōnin during feudal times: a samurai who became masterless due to lost of favor.

Unending rain, but I am numbed. Nothing to do but drag my feet to move forward. 

My brain feels like its pricked with a thousand pins. 

According to the Code of the Samurai, I am supposed to commit hara-kiri upon the loss of my master. If not I will suffer great shame and be discriminated against by other samurai and the feudal lords.

The feudal lords are mistaken, I am sure. Other estranged warriors echoes my thoughts.
But the lords hold everything and I am left with nothing.

How far can a clear conscience get you? 

How long can you stand to fight?

Two weeks sounds like hell. After that is a dark uncertain abyss.

La haula quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

It lights up the whole sky

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."

Look at what happens to a love like that,

It lights the whole sky.

~Hafez (A Persian poet)

Killing time

I was surfing mindlessly, looking at images at saharil.com.
Killing time, until I can gather strength to face reality again.
Thoughts that ran in my head during this time:
-Hey, I love clouds too. I used to take pictures of them with my phone. But my phone's gone now, I lost it after iftar with friends during the last Ramadhan. I wonder what would the people who found my lost phone would do with my pictures. I wish the SD card is destroyed by a passing car and the photos are lost forever. If I can't have it, it isn't fair for anyone else to have it.

-I think it'd be wonderful to be a hobo traveler. Basking in the world's beauty in my own sweet time. Go here and there without a care in the world.

-Then I thought about a post I did in my friendster blog (it's long gone now, thankfully I did manage to do a backup of my rantings.) This one was entitled "Kekosongan hakiki". I published it March 6, 2007. The puisi is from an article in a magazine. I couldn't remember who wrote those haunting words.

Pergilah perasaan,

Tinggalkan tubuhku kosong,

Bagai angkasa tiada berudara…

Kata- kata yang berkesan bagi seseorang yang mencari erti berperasaan. Bagi aku sendiri, memang selalu menginginkan keadaan tidak berperasaan. Tiada rasa cinta pada seseorang, tiada rasa suka pada seseorang, tiada rasa marah, tiada rasa kecewa. Tiada apa- apa. Kosong.

Ini mungkin tindakan refleks seseorang yang apabila berani berperasaan, akhirnya perasaan itu dipijak- pijak bagai tiada makna. Jadi apa gunanya? Lebih baik tidak berperasaan. Sesiapa yang cuba dekat, tidak akan berjaya melepasi dinding kukuh disekeliling dia yang tidak mahu berperasaan.

Keadaannya seperti orang yang berlindung dibelakang kubu. Sesiapa pun tidak akan berjaya mengapa- apakannya, tetapi akhirnya akan tewas juga kerana kehabisan bekalan. Dirinya menjadi seperti angkasa raya: luas, gelap, penuh dengan jasad mati. Tiada kehidupan kerana tiada udara. Kekosongan hakiki, sehingga nyawa sesiapa yang cuba hidup disitu akan dicabut untuk mengisi kekosongan ruang dan jasadnya dibiar terawang- awang tanpa arah yang menariknya. Tiadapun daya graviti untuk tentukan arahnya samada keatas, kebawah, kekiri, atau kekanan.

Kekosongan perasaan membawa kepada kehilangan erti kehidupan. Segala yang dilihat bagai wayang bisu yang tidak memberi makna. Kematian sebelum kehidupan. Diri terasa asing dari dunia dan seisinya.

Segalanya akan berakhir apabila diri mengerti yang kita diletakkan didunia bukan untuk berputus asa. Apabila berdoa dikurniakan kekuatan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya kelemahan untuk menjadikan kita kuat. Apabila berdoa untuk kebijaksanaan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya masalah- masalah untuk diselesaikan. Apabila berdoa untuk kebahagiaan, maka akan dikurniakan oleh-Nya kesedihan agar kita mengerti apa erti kebahagiaan. Jadi janganlah berputus asa terhadap rahmat Allah s.w.t. Ingat yang tiada siapa boleh bersalam dengan orang yang menggenggamkan tangannya. Tiada apa dalam alam ini yang tidak membawa erti dan sebab. Tiada siapa yang boleh hidup berseorangan, kita bukan diciptakan untuk itu.

Kepada sesiapa yang seperti aku, menginginkan keadaan kosong dalam diri: sudah lah

-Then I arrived at this post.

Haih..macam saje je kan.

Bilis vs paus

Rasanya aku kalau merajuk mesti retaliate dengan passive aggressive stance.
Aku jadi malas, jadi the Master Procrastinator.
Tapi sebab aku rasional, aku akan fikir tentang kesannya: semua ni akan berbalik pada aku juga.
It is me who will pay the price.
Macam buat salah, kalau tak tau hukum kita tak berdosa kan? Tapi aku tau. Jadi, pemberontakan merugikan ini lebih  menusuk. Aku rebellious yang bukan naif, I know full well what this would cost me.
Tapi bosan betul dengan keadaan sekarang.
Dinamik situasi aku sekarang memang penuh dengan emosi negatif.
Pastu jadi stress sebab semua yang aku lakukan adalah merugikan diri sendiri. Orang tu tak rugi apa pun.
Padahal dia salah. Patut dia pun rasa kesan kesalahan itu kan? Tapi tak.
Ikan bilis je rasa. Ikan paus apa kisah.
Ikan bilis mencuba macam nak mati, ikan paus hancurkan dalam sesaat.
Tiada maknanya usaha si bilis.
Ni lah rasanya bila ikan bilis tak puas hati dengan ikan paus.
Kan best kalau evolution berjalan dengan cepat sedikit?
Dah taknak jadi ikan bilis.
Boring betul.

Ti the Brave Tortoise

Yesterday my friend found her missing tortoise.

It was lost since two weeks ago and yesterday it was found tired and hungry under the dining table.

The plight of the tortoise is so pathetic that I laughed so hard until there's tears in my eyes. It's like Ti, the Maha Pathetic Tortoise.

Imagine the escape plan of Ti while it discusses it with its friend Ki in the same aquarium one dark night:

"Ki, I've had it with this place. It isn't like home at all. All we get is water spinach, water spinach, water spinach."

"But, Ti. I kinda like water spinach. Better than the pellet they use to give us in the pet shop."

"Oh? Then how about this minuscule aquarium? I can't go two steps without bumping in to you."

Ki didn't say anything. Quietly like a tortoise, he inched away toward the plastic coconut tree as an effort to block out the complaints that is getting on his nerves.

Unsatisfied, Ti lashed out, "And this fake coconut tree. Are they trying to undermine our intelligence trying to make us believe that we're in Hawaii or something? At least in Hawaii they have pineapples!"

Ki just turned around without even trying to hide his boredom of this stale conversation.

"You have been complaining since the day we got here. So you don't like it here. What are you going to do? It's not like we have a choice. Just ride with it lah." 

Ti couldn't believe his camouflaged ears.

"Ki, you don't understand. I can't live like this, I am meant for better things. Since the day I broke out of the egg, I know I'm destined for great things."

Silence. 

So she continued.

"I'm breaking free tonight. I've thought about it, a lot. I have all of it planned out. You can either be in with me or you can just stay here like a stupid tortoise"

"I'm staying here and I think you should too. It's too dangerous out there. I'll be your friend, you don't have to be so lonely"

"I told you. I can't. So goodbye. If tomorrow you see I'm not here, just pray for me"

So that night as the lights are shut, Ti embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. To break free from oppression, to be free from situations that limit possibility. Out there, everything can come true.

Actually Ki didn't want to help Ti as a punishment for leaving him high and dry like that. But finally he relented. Climbing on Ki's back, Ti jumped out. Ti couldn't believe it. She figured that the surprising agility probably came from the rush of adrenaline of breaking free. 

Ha ha! Finally, the world would know the Great Ti!

To cut a long exciting story short, Ti was found under the dining table two weeks later. Probably in Ti's eyes, the vast living room with its dry carpet is like a big desert. Constantly on the move, dodging the eye of dinosaur-sized humans to not get caught. Days turned into nights. Everything reeks of danger. The outside world is nowhere in sight. Where is the lake? Where are the lush green trees? Apparition of food and water haunted Ti who persevered to reach the oasis. But the illusion always gave way to barrenness of the hostile environment.

It seems to me its a pity that she's born a tortoise. Born with an ambition that is larger than her reality. If she was born a cat or a rabbit, the two weeks period would have given it ample time to escape. As a tortoise, after two weeks she didn't even get past the dining room.

It's a shame to have all this determination to succeed, and she had even set the wheels turning only to be bogged down by the limited capacity of self.

The burning question: is it a curse to be born a tortoise but with a heart of a dragon?

The contrast is so stark, their destinies unalterable.

It may be better for the soul to not have these dangerous desires to break free from the norm. 

Who can challenge the Grand Design anyway?

Better to just be automatons, just do whatever is expected of you, with an empty shell for a mind.

Yes, may be that is best...

...If you're a tortoise named Ki.

So if you are human but want to settle for a destiny of a tortoise, that is your choice. 

That is after all, the easier route to take.

Blame all on circumstances, blame all on the Grand Design. You alone is blameless.

For me I envy Ti, at least she made a move to escape.

God have said that all people are equal. What differentiates them is their faith.

So you got to do something different! 

Einstein says that one of the hallmarks of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. If you're static in the mind, static in motion: there is no chance of ever getting anything different from the things you've had before.

So yes, although Ti is so glaringly pathetic at least she had some qualities to be admired.

When Ti was put back into the aquarium, I could imagine the scene:

"Hey Adventurous Ti, never thought I'd see you here. How was it?" smirked Ki.

*punch in the face*

Haha! Girl power rocks!

Dreams even when we're awake

Is it possible to miss someone you never met?
I don't know about you, but I certainly can.
I can picture a thousand scenes,
but all would somehow take me back to the memory of someone I don't even know.
All I have is a name and still images.
It's like all roads lead to Rome: all thoughts lead me to you.

Is it possible to miss going to a place you've never been to?
Again, this I can certainly do.
I can smell the warmth of the soft breeze caressing the side of my face.
I can picture how the light of the sun would blaze into my eyes as I squint toward the clear cloudless sky.
I can almost swear to you that I hear the rustle of the sand dunes,
 forever moving the grains that never stand still.
There would be thousands of people, all dressed in white and engrossed with their issues with the Almighty. But all I can see is me and my parents, hoping every second is lengthened to a life time,
just so that the overwhelming appreciation and humbleness would never leave our hearts.
I have never been there, but I miss it so.

Maybe, memories don't need to be based on tangible things.
Maybe, those images can't be qualified as memories.
Maybe these are just dreams to lull me to sleep.
But how can dreams persist even when I am awake?
So now, I am willing it with all my heart to be a reality.
Like a little girl who wants to play outside, praying on her knees for the rain to stop.
Raising her little stubby hands in prayer,
oblivious to the sneering adults that say, "Don't be foolish, just stay inside."
But she doesn't care, the important thing is that she has faith that is unwavering in the face of hopelessness.
Whatever it is, I am hoping it's a snapshot of my future. Every hope is a prayer and I hope that both get answered.
InsyaAllah

A flicker of sunshine even when it rains

ROSALYNN
She'd smile,
and birds would feel that they no longer had to sing,
or it may be I failed to hear their song.
Within a crowd, I'd hope her glance might be for me,
but knew she was shy, and wished to be alone.
I'd pay to sit behind her, blind to what was on the screen,
and watch the image flicker upon her hair.
I'd glow when her diminished voice would clear my muddled thoughts,
like lighting flashing in a gloomy sky.
The nothing in my soul with her aloof
was changed to foolish fullness when she came to be with me.
With shyness gone and hair caressed with gray
her smile still makes the birds forget to sing
and me to hear their song.
~Jimmy Carter

I found this in a Reader's Digest article on the American President when I was young. It must have been at least 12 years back. I think he wrote it for his wife. Because the title so closely resemble my name, I've always kept this poem in my heart, replaying bits of it that I remember in my head. Now with the power invested in me by Google, I found it again!
I don't know how to judge this literary piece with all it's technicalities, whether this poem is good or not. All I know is that it speaks to me, like whispers to the soul.
This reason alone renders everything else irrelevant, right?