Just now my brother whispered, "Kak Lisa, buat kerjalah"
Alahai...
What can I say? I've already set the place up: a big bottle of water by my side in case I get thirsty, 3 thick volumes of the examiners' copy of my thesis, a headphone to block all distractions and even mini packs of MAS airline salted peanuts my Mom brought from her trip back from Penang. So there is really nothing barring me from finishing the minor corrections of the thesis. Just this last sprint and then I am truly free. After submitting the final version, I'd get a letter from Senate that I would use for my job application in Cyberjaya.
So why, instead of diligently going at it, I'm telling all this to you?
I have a pretty good idea why.
Kata Master Procrastinator..inilah jadinya.
I'm dreading Monday. The 1 week holidays I asked from PZ is too short. Tak sempat bernafas pun.
But Ayah is okay now. Mama is okay also. That is what matters now. Both are warriors. Both have accomplishments of epic proportions, forever smouldering our hearts with the unattainable level of love and affection. I wonder, after catching a glimpse of what they have, if ever I can have the same thing?
The date 9th November 2011 has become a hard memory: the support of peers but the rejection of superiors, and then going to the hospital only to know that tomorrow (10th Nov 2011), two battles will commence. One is for me, to fight for the right of the title PhD and another battle for Ayah, who had to undergo another operation because of the blasted cancer. Prior to this, Ayah tried holding on, he even wanted to wait until my sister finished her SPM before going to the hospital. Day by day it was evident that the bleeding was too much. Ayah was almost white due to loss of blood, but he kept on saying he is fine. Mama finally was able to coax him to go to the hospital after promising that it would only be for a blood transfusion. However, it turns out that even how much we want something, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Once Mama and Ayah got to the hospital (for a routine checkup only, Ayah won't go for anything else), Ayah was immediately put in he Emergency room. The doctor said that if we were to wait any longer, Ayah would go into ICU and face a high risk of a heart arrest.
...It wasn't easy putting on a brave front when in reality you don't know where to rest your hopes. During the goodbyes, I was defeated and had let a tear to be shed. Strength turned out to not be one of my virtues. I was angry at myself then, it was as if my heart did not listen to my head that reasoned that tears would only bog everybody down. But strength was a virtue for Ayah and Mama. Mama said that it was just something I have to go through, it is a test. That I have to be strong to face anything that comes to me. Ayah was adamant that I focus on the viva and not worry about him, and that he will be fine. I could see that they are both sad and worried about everything: about me, about the operation. But being sad and worried is detrimental to our circumstances so the right thing to do is keep your head up and march on with all your might. Whatever will be, will be.
Before leaving, the family surprised me with a beautiful Good Luck card that Lili had brought. It is a tradition for our family to give cards prior to any big exams but I totally forgot. It was filled with many encouraging words, a source of strength when there is none. Then the journey back home was the longest and the most empty. Everything that happened was a blur: all I know was that I have to go through the viva no matter what and then rush immediately to be with Ayah, Mama and the rest of the family. I have to win, even if the odds are incredibly against me.At home my sisters helped me with the preparations for the big day tomorrow. Alia helped to iron my clothes, Nim helped to get the house in order while Azrai had to stay at the hospital with Ayah and Mama. Me, I stayed up to make last minute changes and to go through the presentation and notes that were my arsenal for the viva.
The next day, I woke up and got ready. Then I woke everyone else because Nim had to go to school and Alia had to go to the hospital. I arrived at Shah Alam at 8.15am and took my breakfast of capati and a mug of hot tea (my Mom made me promise, in truth if given a choice I wouldn't have eaten anything). At 8.50am I am already at IPSis, readying for the viva at 9.30am. It was actually held at a little after 10.00am because the Chairperson for the session was late (got lost or stuck in traffic, I am unsure).
The presentation itself went well but I was visibly shaky at first that I had to steady my heart before I spoke haltingly. After a time it got better, even though the panels did not wait until I'm finished before bombarding me with questions. The questions came non-stop and I was even asked to sit after a time because they had so many things to test me (yes, one of the examiners said he was going to test me with technical questions and to ensure that I really wrote the thesis). In the end I thought that I handled the questions and comments well, alhamdulillah. Then after the shooting session, I was asked to wait outside. Then after some time Dr Kala invited me in. I went in and stared blankly to the panels, with zero expectations in my mind. I was really just taking this viva thing a moment at a time because I was unsure where it would take me. The Chairperson then proceeded to say, "Firstly, congratulations for your success in obtaining this doctorate...blablabla..."
Actually I did not catch anything she said beyond "Congratulations" because I was so relieved. It was like holding your breath for the longest time, when suddenly you can breathe again all you feel is the air rushing in. All I can think of was Alhamdulillah! I was elated and did not know what to do next. Dr Kala must've seen my shock because when I went to her and asked, "Is that all?" She said, "Yes, that is all. You did well. Come, let me hug you". And she hugged me! Haha, how awkward was that? But at that time I didn't care. All those people in the room helped me to get the PhD and I am greatly thankful. I even served the panels and my supervisor tea and kuih as a tiny token of appreciation.
After that I was busy going here and there to settle the viva thing with IPSis. I got a 2: meaning that I only had to do minor corrections. When I called Mama and told her the news, she was beyond happy. She also said thank you, which I thought was odd because it was me that should have said thank you. Then I remembered that Ayah wanted to see me get the PhD before anything happens to him. I also thought I heard her crying because I too was silently crying tears of joy and relief. Not so long later, Mama called to tell that Ayah was already out of the operation theatre and was resting in the ward. So both of us were the victor in each of our battles!
In the end, when our destinies are left to Him then all turned out okay. It has always been like that: my nights are indeed darkest before dawn. When the light shone through, it was brilliant and unpredictable.
Cantik kan perancangan Tuhan? ;)
