The reason we must all go to heaven

A friend said that people who don't find their soulmate/spouse in this world should be patient because surely you'll find them in heaven.
But then I thought that I must make sure I go to heaven because if I go to hell then I'll be condemned and tortured for all eternity and be forever alone even in the afterlife.
And if I am fated to go to hell first and then go to heaven after I've paid for all my sins, how'd embarrassing that would be?
He'll say to me, "Hey, now I know why you're late" while pointing at the big sign on my forehead that says

:[Just came back from Hell]:

.
.
.
That may be the only possible reason why someone would voluntarily want to be thrown into hell again :p

A drop in the ocean

I am now searching for a new thing to do research about.
I now have to be responsible for two mini research projects for the students.
I am all excited to do my bit to get the Nobel Prize but...
Initially, I wanted it to be as far apart from my past so that I don't have to even consider the possibility of bumping into them again.
But then, I realized that I've been doing what I've been doing for so long that I don't know how to do something else.
Haih..it's hard to get away.
Then I wonder what are my options in this field? Maybe if I pick a different thing but still within the confines of my experience and knowledge, I can still do it.
Ilmu Allah kan luas, all we have is just a drop.
So, gotta keep searching!

Seriously, love is not your only problem

You know what I've been doing all this while?
Apart from the time at the hospital, I've been dosing myself with an overdose of Korean drama series. Next week I'm planning to not let myself be lulled into believing this illusion of perpetual holiday. I got to start preparing for the next stage of life next year! A new job, a new place, new chances and opportunities.
What would be in store for me next year?
Haha, that is for Allah to know and for me to find out ;)
But watching these shows got me thinking how easy it is to win a woman's heart. A bit of care and thoughtfulness for the other person is all that it takes. I think everyone knows this, even if they don't always remember. Love is also not a business transaction, so you can't do things and then expect things to come right back at you. There is no price to pay. It is free to be given away. But only according to the freewill of concerned parties. It is also not always recognizable, you could be someone's moon and stars but you don't even have an inkling of the situation.
So, please be careful at who you be nice to. If they fall and love you, sometimes you don't even notice. So don't go out in this world trying to be nice to every single person without limits. They might interpret it wrongly, and you can't be blamed because as always, you were only being nice.
Pathetic. A very flawed system, I must say. How can it be otherwise? You can see for yourself how many lonely hearts are around you, wandering the world like lost souls on purgatory punishment. It would be easier if everyone know what is what and never be mistaken again.
I hope these souls know and remember that finding love or whatever is not your sole purpose in this life. After love, what then? If love is the only purpose, then those who have found true love should die right away because the objective of their living have been fulfilled. What use are you to the world now when you already served your purpose? But we don't see people dying after they have found true love. So love cannot be the main aim in this life. An accessory item, maybe, but not the main.
Furthermore, it wouldn't be fair to those who don't have anyone. If love is the sole purpose, because they don't have anyone then they have clearly failed to fulfil their obligation. I don't want these people to die, but if they are not of much use, why deplete this world of its resources? Chances should be given to people who have the potential to find someone. This process is a perfectly normal phenomena, "survival of the fittest". But as we don't see people dying everyday for failing to find love, clearly love is not the sole purpose.
It is hard to get away from the idealized stereotype life path that has been deeply etched into our minds but sometimes I suspect that people have forgotten the true reason for us being sent here. Excuse the shallow depth of my knowledge but isn't the term khalifah means that we are leaders and have to be always responsible for something? Khalifah does not suggest singularity at all. For me it indicates a team, a group moving together under the command of the leader. But now, every goal, every dream has been thoroughly individualized that we dissociate ourselves from the masses. Recognize these mottoes? "Fulfill your dreams" "All that matters is you" "You can do it".  We don't identify ourselves to be part of something bigger anymore. None of these have evil connotations but everyday, all the time it is just the mantra "me, myself and I".
Sure, I am guilty for this too, and I still am. But don't you feel unsatisfied? We have to go try and seek a bigger playing field, to take our minds away from just thinking about ourselves and what is ours only.
It is true that you have to build yourself first and then only can you afford to think about others. But I think there is a distinction between building yourself for self-satisfaction and building yourself but keeping an eye on a bigger picture all the while. Niat is the key. This is certainly not easy, but I hope we all try to break free from the chronic diseases of apathy and narcissism.
.
.
.
Hmm..I wonder how we got from Korean drama to this :p

Kau ada dengar pasal cinta?

Hei, kau ada dengar pasal cinta?
Semua orang tanya,
"Mana cinta?"
"Cinta tu apa?"
"Betul ke cinta tu buta/palsu/sementara/telah ditentukan?"
Sebenarnya,
Cinta malas nak jawab,
Sebab selama ini dia ada dengan semua orang,
Semua orang buat tak peduli,
Semua orang buat-buat tak nampak.
Dia pun malas la.
Sebab selama ini,
Kalau seseorang bersama cinta,
Mesti dia mahu cinta yang lain dari apa yang ada dengannya.
Jadi,
Cinta pun buat keputusan:
"Lepas ni, aku nak senyap-senyap je.
Kalau dia perasan aku ada, baguslah.
Tapi kalau dia masih buat-buat tak nampak, aku akan diam je."
Begitulah.
Tunggulah sampai mati pun, aku rasa, cinta tak akan kata apa-apa.
Lebih baik kau sendiri yang pergi kat cinta, tanya dia apa hal.
Tu pun,
kalau cinta nak cakap dengan kau la.
nur_aqli 

Hari ni takde apa nak buat. Jadi aku merepek kat blog. Maaf ok.

Pride will burn in the Godgame

All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Hi.
What a lame way to start after being away for so long, right?
But that is all I got for now.
Actually I've been avoiding the internet all this time, largely because I want to rest my head for a while. My mind is like a stuck highway where all the traffic lights are broken. Ideas, people and thoughts keep honking away trying to get through. But all are jumbled up with no clear direction.
I've just finished reading The Magus by John Fowles. It's a long book and for me, the book is strange. The book is like a maze and people who like to over analyze things would get lost in it.
The main character, Nicholas Urfe is a regular guy with issues. He was put to a myriad of out-of-this-world situations and the way he reacted to each and every one of them are decidedly "normal". I felt pity for the guy, he reminded me so much the limitations of being human. He is like a puppet played by a Master Conjurer, who laughed all the way while pulling his strings. Anywhere he turned he was deceived and seduced into a flimsy illusion that all weaved together to ultimately form a string around his neck to take his life.
Who wouldn't be angry at people who suddenly decide to use you in his experiment of psychological games without your consent? Conchis the magus evidently didn't care at all about the ethical considerations of his work. All was done mechanically, scientifically, without any regard of respect toward the humanness of Urfe.
As I said, I pity him.
But as I go along the book, I realized that truth is not fixed and the reality we know today may not be as real as you think. the events I've gone through lately also serve to reinforce this notion.
Truth is like a rare 600 carat diamond cut to perfection. The make of the ultimate diamond depends on its proportion that in turn determines its brilliance (amount of light reflected back to your eye), fire (the flashes of color due to prismatic separation into the colors of the rainbow) and scintillation (sparkling movement of light as you move the diamond). Due to all of this properties, a person holding the diamond in a particular way will perceive the diamond according to the amount of light reflected on it. So the diamond shine that arrest your eyes won't be the same as the brilliance that shone in mine because of our different positions. But there is no denying that it is the same stone, the same truth but viewed in a different light. So how can you say that what you behold is more beautiful than mine, more truer? There is no way.
This is the reason I feel no regret. As I replayed the events in my head, I am certain that what I did was in truth. But the degree of rejection to my truth is so immense that I begin to suspect that they too perceive what they did was in truth. So who is to blame? No one. The desire to be right, to hold the upper moral ground sometimes have no meaning. In the end, no one knows the answer. In the end, everyone just wants to get away. My friend say that I just should suck it in and go face the shooting squad...again. I told her that if they were using real bullets, she's telling me to essentially go kill myself. She said that it is okay, because they are just using water guns.
Water guns or not, I have enough of their tired games. I feel like Urfe. The difference is that I have two Conchis, not just one pulling the strings. They have no right to go testing me, experimenting on me as if I am a mere rat. The main argument for them is that it is not worth holding on. The sacrifice of pride mean nothing because they are always like that. I disagree with that argument because so what if they've always been like that? What they're doing is wrong and always being that way is not a valid excuse. All this while there have been no real opposition, so they are forever enveloped in their fantasy that what they see and do is the only truth. Well, I've had enough. I've just stopped caring.
Who would've thought that these last days of me leaving would be the hardest of them all?
If you were with me that day when I was beaten down to the ground, I suspect that you'd bear no sympathy for me. Because I have no power of persuasion and I have not an ounce of strength left to uphold my dignity in the eyes of my judges. Furthermore, I was alone. But still I was condemned as proud, and it amazed me to realize how good my acting was.
The cheap shot I took bothered me, that I resorted to saying such childish things. However, above all else I seek your understanding of my situation. I was ambushed and I retaliated like a snake cornered. But in these later days after the fight, I realized that I did not regret anything. I am hardened by the things they hurl at me. Doesn't matter. I take solace in the thought that God will prevail. Our brands of truth can't be trusted, so I'll leave it at that. Let it be buried under the rubble of time.

Every one, I welcome you to the Godgame. Enjoy.

*info on diamonds from http://www.diamondhelpers.com
**more on the magus here http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/31/specials/fowles-magus1.html