A rainbow glints through the rain

An actual picture taken of the road that lead to the end of the rainbow. If you look closely, there is not one but two rainbows! I wonder, would there be extra bags of gold there? Whatever waits for us at the end, at least we know a good place to start ;)

26th January passed and I am now 27!

Whoa.

I remember that when I was a little girl, I thought 18 is already an adult and I can never picture myself being more than 25. But now here I am, already hitting 27.

This year's birthday is very special. From the moment the clock struck 12 and 26th Jan comes, it was special. My sis made a beautiful card, all my family members wrote wonderful messages on it, we had pizza and also lots and lots of ice cream! (the ice cream is of course my birthday "cake", because our family don't really love cake as much as we love ice cream haha).

I received many well wishers who sent smses and messages on facebook, heard many renditions of the good ol' birthday song (I even got versions in Dangdut and also Indian tempo version) and my dear labmates even arranged for a surprise birthday cake!

All these made me feel...dare I say it? All of these made me feel...loved (ah, I said it!).

It has been kinda challenging lately and i feel it was a gift that the day turn out to be so special.

And it was the greatest feeling in the world :)

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on

As contrary as what you may believe, words for me are hard to come by. Especially spoken words. I like to think I'm better at expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing but it is still not enough. An air of mystery that sometime shrouds these words are not entirely by choice.

I am now at home, I'm not feeling very well so I excused myself from the lab today. There is actually a mischievously restful feeling when you're at home while everybody else has to go to work (haha, sorry, can't help it. I know some of you will be jealous that I'm escaping the Monday Blues for today). I'm essentially giving myself a break.

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There is something in my heart and mind that I can't let go of. Like a cup filled to the brim, threatening to spill over. The past three days I haven't given my thesis the attention it needs. Only today I forced myself to write. But I've always been a firm believer of preparing the soul (or in this case stabilize my psyche to focus) before commencing work.

Just a little clue of what weighs in my heart is that my Ayah is not well. He has always been strong, even during these trying times. But I am afraid if I'm going to be a failure.

A snippet of a conversation I had the other day still ring in my ear, in more or less the same words:

"Dia selalu cakap tak tau sempat ke tak..."

"Sekurang-kurangnya kena hantar 1st draf la kan?"

"A'ah.."

...only with Allah strength can I go through all this and submit my 1st draft. Then it would somehow give him hope and with hope, comes strength. Sempat, insyaAllah. Sempat.

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Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone[Official Videoclip]
Uploaded by bRu7-eXeC. - Explore more music videos.

This song Never Gonna Be Alone from Nickelback feels so close to me. And the video makes me cry. But unlike the girl inside the video, I still have Ayah. And I still have my family with me. I am jealous of my time and I feel that every moment that is either not spent with them or spent on making my thesis a reality is like a thief that I want to strike for wasting my precious moments. Those two are tied, you see. I can only go on once I put all the burden of this thesis behind me.

As always,

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Adzim

Time relativity

A night full of talking that hurts,

my worst held-back secrets. Everything

has to do with loving and not loving.

This night will pass.

Then we have work to do.

~Rumi

The day will come when I hit 27.

Just around the corner, ever patient in waiting its turn.

Then the questions will come:

Bila nak habis blaja ni?

Bila nak ada bf?

Bila nak itu, bila nak ini.

Entah. Jawapan universal untuk semua soalan susah.

But, I am ever praying and waiting. You ask because for you it seems so long. Tell me, what do you think I feel?

To this,

I say La haula wala quwwata illa billah

... with a bright smile of course, because faith is illogical but powerful all at the same time :)

p/s: the pic above is the view from the old faculty in Shah Alam at dusk

Everything is clear in the morning light

Today I'm wearing bright colors, and with a hot pink sweater to top it all off.

This morning I made the decision to go on a picnic by myself because the sky is too beautiful not to bask in its glory. You can see for yourself in the pic up there. Brilliant right? God is after all the greatest artist.

So I brought a mcD breakfast with hot tea and sat on a bench in front of the faculty. So there I was, enjoying my breakfast while observing commuters rushing by, eager to go to work (at least that is what I hope). The Puncak Alam campus is really beautiful, especially in the mornings. Its like going on a vacation to Cameron Highlands or someplace like that where the only time it is interesting there is when the rays of the sun breaks through the cold clouds to shine forth in defiance of the gloom carried by the clouds.

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I'm not particularly happy inside, in fact I feel I'm stressed out with the drama all around me.

So as a kind of defense mechanism that holds logic only to me, I'm surrounding myself with happy things a refusal to get sucked into the abyss of depression.

So is this all working?

I suppose so.

In the end, la haula wala quwwata illa billah ;)

Pseudo lyrics

I was driving in my car when I sang along to a song in the radio.

It was Shontelle's Impossible.

It is actually a song for the frustrated in love, conceding defeat in love due to misplaced hopes and impossible illusions.

And there I was, singing my heart out with such feelings that you'll start to think, "hey, is she singing about herself?"

But then, after the words:

Falling out of love is hard

Falling for betrayal is worst

I stopped.

Why?

Because I sang:

Falling out of love is hard

Falling out a trailer's worse

Hahahahaha

But seriously I think my version has more truth in it,

Falling off a trailer is definitely worse, especially when you are not a trained stunt man/woman!

Futile angst

It's 4.14 am now. I've just finished making the outline for my progress report scheduled this Wednesday. I really need to brush up my Matrix-style bullet dodging skills as I anticipate that it's going to be a tough presentation.

The "weather" has not been very good these days you know. Nevertheless, this is a lame excuse to be discouraged. Let em soak in their blue world alone, no need to get sucked in it too. I have work to do.

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However, 2011 opened with celebration :)

I went with my cousins, my sis and her husband to PD for a beach holiday. It was God-sent, because only He knows how much I needed the break. It shed light on different perspectives of thought. Remember the last time I told you that there's something in my mind? Now I am convinced that it was really just me needing strength for conviction that decisions are mine but fate is divine.

That is why I love the sea so much. Maybe it is something in the soft breeze, brave waters and wide horizons that makes everything so different.

Ok, enough about me.

I stumbled on this interesting article> Angry at God? If so you are not alone

What do you think?

Particularly, this paragraph:

Some people see God as ultimately responsible for such events, and they become angry when they see God's intentions as cruel or uncaring. They might think that God abandoned, betrayed, or mistreated them

Interesting.

God is such a convenient outlet for some people. No one to blame, so blame it on God. Somehow, the self is released from any responsibility of life and whatever happens is of course, God's fault.

Such simplistic thinking.

Let's go through this step by careful step.

Firstly, establish the fact that Allah is the All-Encompassing. He is the Provider for everything, from Him all things come and to Him everything returns. Nothing is ever ours, even your soul is on loan. If it is yours, then you'll have some degree of command over it like controlling when you live or die. But of course you don't.

Secondly, that Allah will do whatever He wants. If He wants it to be a certain way, there is nothing that can change or stop it. If it is meant that you are to have something there is no one that can make it otherwise and vice versa.

Ok, tell me, is that enough?

So, if we just stop there is the definition of who Allah is to us, then surely there is truly no one is to blame except Allah. You have nothing, nothing you do is ever independent from the will of Allah. So how can you ever be held responsible for anything? It was never your will or intention to be what you are. Shoving the responsibility to live aside and all the burden of the impact of your choices placed on another, one has to wonder why are we created at all if just to be empty puppets in a grand comedy show?

No wonder you feel angry at God for dealing you such a lousy card in this game of life. You feel that because Allah has the power over all things, He is deliberately holding back from giving you what you feel you deserve. In your mind, you have done everything and there is absolutely no reason, except that God hates you, that you can't have your way.

Easy losing focus on life that way. No purpose or reason left if whatever we try in this lifetime is controlled by a mean higher power.

However, having faith is not to drive you out from a life of purpose. Being religious is not based on blind faith or just steadfastly holding on the positive side of religious life, we are not wired to function that way.

There must be more to this. That can't be all. This existence can't all be a joke, right?

Another crucial aspect that we have to remember is that Allah does everything with hikmah, with wisdom.

[And] who created seven heavens in layers. You do not see in the creation of the Most Merciful any inconsistency. So return [your] vision [to the sky]; do you see any breaks? 67:3

Everything has its turn, its orbit where it moves so that nothing ever clashes into the other. A change something will drive an adjustment from something else. An event is never solitary, it always occur in chains of reasons so intricate that our minds can't begin to comprehend even the most simple of associations. A cascade of events that fall from a defining moment or any moment for that matter will never be in vain or happened "just-because".

Allah does not rule like the iron fist of dictatorship where everything is set in stone and unyielding to those who need mercy. Everything has its sequence, remember? And we can always ask from Him for our heart's desire. It is just that you have to remember that Allah owes you nothing. It is you who are indebted, so aren't you ashamed demanding more from whom you owe so much?

It is a blessing that Allah is not like us humans. We tire of people who are always begging for things, hates people who are ungrateful and detest neediness. But we are his weak subjects and He wants us to ask from Him. He is, after all, the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful.

So cease being angry. It gets you nowhere worthwhile. You're better off being close to Him to get you through whatever you are going through.

That is, after all, the only way.