Iridescent Rose

Resolution..s

2012-01-14T16:24:00.001+08:00

Salam :)
So how is 2012 treating you lately?
I hope it has been kind.
For me, the first days of January was very much a blur: I started my new job, moved closer to workplace, Ayah warded and operated, back and forth between work and hospital and so on.
But I managed to keep with the tradition: to gather with cousins only for the eve of new year and start the year with celebration and laughter. I'm glad I went because I almost passed because I thought I wouldn't manage (My first day on the job was 3rd Jan, so konon2 busy prepare for work. Padahal gabra :p ).
Taking it back a bit, I also went to the Twins of Faith Family Festival on 24th and 25th Dec.
I am very much thankful that I was among the 3000 individual who were given the chance to join the event. Every time I think of my time there, I feel thankful and can't wait to join the next one.
There were several things that I learnt there and the knowledge was made more profound because I went alone. I don't know, but leaving me with my thoughts after the sessions...silence unbroken even through the noise of thousands of people was surrounding me, makes me feel so specially alone. Like I am a lone ranger embarking on an adventure.
What most shocked me when I went there is the degree of variety of the participants. The ones attending are not only those with black veils, big turbans or long flowing dresses. There were many who were wearing jeans, t-shirts, all kinds of headscarves and even those who were not wearing headscarves.
Yes, there were not one, but several of the women attending were not wearing any covering on their heads.
And these were the people who I am most jealous of.
I am jealous that although there were not yet a fully practising Muslim, they were trying hard to be one. What kind of person dare to come to an Islamic event with the sole purpose of obtaining knowledge to finally come to a conviction that Islam is truly the truth without any regard of what others think of them?
I am jealous because it is so clear to me that they are getting the hidayah, but they themselves have not realize it yet. They just need a little push toward the right path, and surely, with time and patience, they will find it. And there is the very real possibility of them being a better person compared to you and I.
But what about me? What about you?
Are we getting the hidayah? We are now at a certain level, but the question remains: why are we at this particular level and not higher? What are we doing to ourselves that we don't have the hidayah, the desire to attain a higher level? Surely there is something wrong.
Sometimes I get angry with myself for sins that I do, sometimes without remorse. Beat myself up over it, all this time. But early this year, I chanced upon Dr Zaharuddin Abd Rahman's status:

Jangan mengeji diri sendiri secara berlafaz (kecuali ketika taubat), kerana ia hanya akan memberikan tubuh kita lanjutan perasaan kegagalan dan negatif, lalu bakal membawa rantaian kegagalan dan kesalahan yg lain, kerana ia telah memasuki minda separa sedar kita menjadi seperti racun berbisa. Kerana itu, Islam mengajar bila kegagalan, kesukaran dan musibah tertimpa, ucaplah "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil", La hawla wala quwwata illa billah" dan "inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raa'jiun". Kemudian, positifkanlah dirimu. Kamu boleh...!

I try to picture myself and I feel sorry for the person I am. I am my own worst enemy. I am shocked at how unfriendly I was toward my own self. But I cannot find any justice on how I abuse my own self image because I try very hard, going through the day, moment by moment. So I don't need my own self to discount my efforts or taint it with undeserved criticism.
So this is my main resolution for the year:

To be my own best friend!

And then, this would include cheering myself on in my efforts to: slim down, to help my family, to do my work the best as I am able, to buy a house, to get rich, to be loved, to be a good scholar and to be a Muslim who actually makes a difference!
Just ask yourself this: if your presence or absence doesn't make any difference in the world, then why are you here at all?
*This question is adapted more or less from Hamka. When I am rajin, I'll get the right quote. But if I am kurang rajin skit, I think you get the idea ;)

The reason we must all go to heaven

2011-12-29T12:33:00.001+08:00

A friend said that people who don't find their soulmate/spouse in this world should be patient because surely you'll find them in heaven.
But then I thought that I must make sure I go to heaven because if I go to hell then I'll be condemned and tortured for all eternity and be forever alone even in the afterlife.
And if I am fated to go to hell first and then go to heaven after I've paid for all my sins, how'd embarrassing that would be?
He'll say to me, "Hey, now I know why you're late" while pointing at the big sign on my forehead that says

:[Just came back from Hell]:

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That may be the only possible reason why someone would voluntarily want to be thrown into hell again :p

A drop in the ocean

2011-12-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

I am now searching for a new thing to do research about.
I now have to be responsible for two mini research projects for the students.
I am all excited to do my bit to get the Nobel Prize but...
Initially, I wanted it to be as far apart from my past so that I don't have to even consider the possibility of bumping into them again.
But then, I realized that I've been doing what I've been doing for so long that I don't know how to do something else.
Haih..it's hard to get away.
Then I wonder what are my options in this field? Maybe if I pick a different thing but still within the confines of my experience and knowledge, I can still do it.
Ilmu Allah kan luas, all we have is just a drop.
So, gotta keep searching!

Seriously, love is not your only problem

2011-12-19T02:29:00.000+08:00

You know what I've been doing all this while?
Apart from the time at the hospital, I've been dosing myself with an overdose of Korean drama series. Next week I'm planning to not let myself be lulled into believing this illusion of perpetual holiday. I got to start preparing for the next stage of life next year! A new job, a new place, new chances and opportunities.
What would be in store for me next year?
Haha, that is for Allah to know and for me to find out ;)
But watching these shows got me thinking how easy it is to win a woman's heart. A bit of care and thoughtfulness for the other person is all that it takes. I think everyone knows this, even if they don't always remember. Love is also not a business transaction, so you can't do things and then expect things to come right back at you. There is no price to pay. It is free to be given away. But only according to the freewill of concerned parties. It is also not always recognizable, you could be someone's moon and stars but you don't even have an inkling of the situation.
So, please be careful at who you be nice to. If they fall and love you, sometimes you don't even notice. So don't go out in this world trying to be nice to every single person without limits. They might interpret it wrongly, and you can't be blamed because as always, you were only being nice.
Pathetic. A very flawed system, I must say. How can it be otherwise? You can see for yourself how many lonely hearts are around you, wandering the world like lost souls on purgatory punishment. It would be easier if everyone know what is what and never be mistaken again.
I hope these souls know and remember that finding love or whatever is not your sole purpose in this life. After love, what then? If love is the only purpose, then those who have found true love should die right away because the objective of their living have been fulfilled. What use are you to the world now when you already served your purpose? But we don't see people dying after they have found true love. So love cannot be the main aim in this life. An accessory item, maybe, but not the main.
Furthermore, it wouldn't be fair to those who don't have anyone. If love is the sole purpose, because they don't have anyone then they have clearly failed to fulfil their obligation. I don't want these people to die, but if they are not of much use, why deplete this world of its resources? Chances should be given to people who have the potential to find someone. This process is a perfectly normal phenomena, "survival of the fittest". But as we don't see people dying everyday for failing to find love, clearly love is not the sole purpose.
It is hard to get away from the idealized stereotype life path that has been deeply etched into our minds but sometimes I suspect that people have forgotten the true reason for us being sent here. Excuse the shallow depth of my knowledge but isn't the term khalifah means that we are leaders and have to be always responsible for something? Khalifah does not suggest singularity at all. For me it indicates a team, a group moving together under the command of the leader. But now, every goal, every dream has been thoroughly individualized that we dissociate ourselves from the masses. Recognize these mottoes? "Fulfill your dreams" "All that matters is you" "You can do it". We don't identify ourselves to be part of something bigger anymore. None of these have evil connotations but everyday, all the time it is just the mantra "me, myself and I".
Sure, I am guilty for this too, and I still am. But don't you feel unsatisfied? We have to go try and seek a bigger playing field, to take our minds away from just thinking about ourselves and what is ours only.
It is true that you have to build yourself first and then only can you afford to think about others. But I think there is a distinction between building yourself for self-satisfaction and building yourself but keeping an eye on a bigger picture all the while. Niat is the key. This is certainly not easy, but I hope we all try to break free from the chronic diseases of apathy and narcissism.
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Hmm..I wonder how we got from Korean drama to this :p

Kau ada dengar pasal cinta?

2011-12-07T23:45:00.001+08:00

Hei, kau ada dengar pasal cinta?
Semua orang tanya,
"Mana cinta?"
"Cinta tu apa?"
"Betul ke cinta tu buta/palsu/sementara/telah ditentukan?"
Sebenarnya,
Cinta malas nak jawab,
Sebab selama ini dia ada dengan semua orang,
Semua orang buat tak peduli,
Semua orang buat-buat tak nampak.
Dia pun malas la.
Sebab selama ini,
Kalau seseorang bersama cinta,
Mesti dia mahu cinta yang lain dari apa yang ada dengannya.
Jadi,
Cinta pun buat keputusan:
"Lepas ni, aku nak senyap-senyap je.
Kalau dia perasan aku ada, baguslah.
Tapi kalau dia masih buat-buat tak nampak, aku akan diam je."
Begitulah.
Tunggulah sampai mati pun, aku rasa, cinta tak akan kata apa-apa.
Lebih baik kau sendiri yang pergi kat cinta, tanya dia apa hal.
Tu pun,
kalau cinta nak cakap dengan kau la.
nur_aqli

Hari ni takde apa nak buat. Jadi aku merepek kat blog. Maaf ok.

Pride will burn in the Godgame

2011-12-07T14:41:00.001+08:00

All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Hi.
What a lame way to start after being away for so long, right?
But that is all I got for now.
Actually I've been avoiding the internet all this time, largely because I want to rest my head for a while. My mind is like a stuck highway where all the traffic lights are broken. Ideas, people and thoughts keep honking away trying to get through. But all are jumbled up with no clear direction.
I've just finished reading The Magus by John Fowles. It's a long book and for me, the book is strange. The book is like a maze and people who like to over analyze things would get lost in it.
The main character, Nicholas Urfe is a regular guy with issues. He was put to a myriad of out-of-this-world situations and the way he reacted to each and every one of them are decidedly "normal". I felt pity for the guy, he reminded me so much the limitations of being human. He is like a puppet played by a Master Conjurer, who laughed all the way while pulling his strings. Anywhere he turned he was deceived and seduced into a flimsy illusion that all weaved together to ultimately form a string around his neck to take his life.
Who wouldn't be angry at people who suddenly decide to use you in his experiment of psychological games without your consent? Conchis the magus evidently didn't care at all about the ethical considerations of his work. All was done mechanically, scientifically, without any regard of respect toward the humanness of Urfe.
As I said, I pity him.
But as I go along the book, I realized that truth is not fixed and the reality we know today may not be as real as you think. the events I've gone through lately also serve to reinforce this notion.
Truth is like a rare 600 carat diamond cut to perfection. The make of the ultimate diamond depends on its proportion that in turn determines its brilliance (amount of light reflected back to your eye), fire (the flashes of color due to prismatic separation into the colors of the rainbow) and scintillation (sparkling movement of light as you move the diamond). Due to all of this properties, a person holding the diamond in a particular way will perceive the diamond according to the amount of light reflected on it. So the diamond shine that arrest your eyes won't be the same as the brilliance that shone in mine because of our different positions. But there is no denying that it is the same stone, the same truth but viewed in a different light. So how can you say that what you behold is more beautiful than mine, more truer? There is no way.
This is the reason I feel no regret. As I replayed the events in my head, I am certain that what I did was in truth. But the degree of rejection to my truth is so immense that I begin to suspect that they too perceive what they did was in truth. So who is to blame? No one. The desire to be right, to hold the upper moral ground sometimes have no meaning. In the end, no one knows the answer. In the end, everyone just wants to get away. My friend say that I just should suck it in and go face the shooting squad...again. I told her that if they were using real bullets, she's telling me to essentially go kill myself. She said that it is okay, because they are just using water guns.
Water guns or not, I have enough of their tired games. I feel like Urfe. The difference is that I have two Conchis, not just one pulling the strings. They have no right to go testing me, experimenting on me as if I am a mere rat. The main argument for them is that it is not worth holding on. The sacrifice of pride mean nothing because they are always like that. I disagree with that argument because so what if they've always been like that? What they're doing is wrong and always being that way is not a valid excuse. All this while there have been no real opposition, so they are forever enveloped in their fantasy that what they see and do is the only truth. Well, I've had enough. I've just stopped caring.
Who would've thought that these last days of me leaving would be the hardest of them all?
If you were with me that day when I was beaten down to the ground, I suspect that you'd bear no sympathy for me. Because I have no power of persuasion and I have not an ounce of strength left to uphold my dignity in the eyes of my judges. Furthermore, I was alone. But still I was condemned as proud, and it amazed me to realize how good my acting was.
The cheap shot I took bothered me, that I resorted to saying such childish things. However, above all else I seek your understanding of my situation. I was ambushed and I retaliated like a snake cornered. But in these later days after the fight, I realized that I did not regret anything. I am hardened by the things they hurl at me. Doesn't matter. I take solace in the thought that God will prevail. Our brands of truth can't be trusted, so I'll leave it at that. Let it be buried under the rubble of time.

Every one, I welcome you to the Godgame. Enjoy.

*info on diamonds from http://www.diamondhelpers.com
**more on the magus here http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/31/specials/fowles-magus1.html

I never expect to be in love

2011-11-28T21:24:00.001+08:00

If I have all the tears that are shed on Broadway by guys in love, I will have enough salt water to start an opposition ocean to the Atlantic and Pacific, with enough left over to run the Great Salt Lake out of business. But I wish to say I never shed any of these tears personally, because I am never in love, and furthermore, barring a bad break, I never expect to be in love, for the way I look at it love is strictly the old phedinkus, and I tell the little guy as much.
~Damon Runyon in Tobias the Terrible

In another life, all of this won't happen

2011-11-25T00:21:00.001+08:00

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
~Anthony Hope

I sent the letter explaining all but the moon and the stars. I am testing the old adage of "the truth will set you free". Maybe I'll publish the finding later on, surely countless people wants to know whether or not truth is profitable. Nowadays it seems falsehood and misconceptions, because they are cheaper, are selling like hot cakes.

I don't know what is the consequence for this particular action of mine: what I know is I'm tired to be seen as the black sheep all the time and I needed to get it out of my chest. If they still misunderstand me, then I don't know what to do anymore. I'll just stop trying I guess. So at least I don't make it worse. I don't keep promoting falsehood and draining my strength to wait for their comprehension. They are playing mindgames that are beyond my ability and patience to understand.
Maybe sending it would seem like a very bad idea in the morning light. But it is all done now. Nothing to take back. So all that I can do is what I've always done: redah ajelah.

C'mon join us!

2011-11-22T13:57:00.001+08:00

Salam, I just want to make you aware of an international islamic conference that would be held 24-25th Dec at Putrajaya. There'll be both international and local speakers and many more events such as bazaar, marriage corner, kids zone etc. So it'll be an event for the whole family. I have tickets and you can purchase from me. Tickets: rm100 for adults and rm50 for kids. The prices go up after 1st dec: rm150 for adults and rm75 for kids, so contact me now! :) If you have any questions, I'll be more than happy to help. In case you want more info, here's the website
See you guys there!
My email: lisarosalina at gmail dot com

My story in Selangor Times! :)

2011-11-22T11:26:00.001+08:00

Alhamdulillah, my short story was published in Selangor Times! Check it out here.

So what do you think?
I am embarrassed when I read it, I don't think it is good at all. And the newspaper got the spelling of my name wrong. But still I can't stop smiling! Haha, it is my first attempt, it has been months since I sent it and I thought the editors already rejected it. Because this is my first time, I didn't know how the process goes. I thought i"ll send in a draft and the editor will comment and I'll do changes. But all that didn't happen at all. Just out of the blue an email was sent to me saying that my story was published and asking for my particulars for payment. How cool is that? I even got payment for my first story!
Haha, I'm at the clouds now, enjoying the taste of sweet success :)

The end of the beginning of the end

2011-11-18T02:38:00.001+08:00

Just now my brother whispered, "Kak Lisa, buat kerjalah"
Alahai...
What can I say? I've already set the place up: a big bottle of water by my side in case I get thirsty, 3 thick volumes of the examiners' copy of my thesis, a headphone to block all distractions and even mini packs of MAS airline salted peanuts my Mom brought from her trip back from Penang. So there is really nothing barring me from finishing the minor corrections of the thesis. Just this last sprint and then I am truly free. After submitting the final version, I'd get a letter from Senate that I would use for my job application in Cyberjaya.
So why, instead of diligently going at it, I'm telling all this to you?
I have a pretty good idea why.
Kata Master Procrastinator..inilah jadinya.
I'm dreading Monday. The 1 week holidays I asked from PZ is too short. Tak sempat bernafas pun.
But Ayah is okay now. Mama is okay also. That is what matters now. Both are warriors. Both have accomplishments of epic proportions, forever smouldering our hearts with the unattainable level of love and affection. I wonder, after catching a glimpse of what they have, if ever I can have the same thing?
The date 9th November 2011 has become a hard memory: the support of peers but the rejection of superiors, and then going to the hospital only to know that tomorrow (10th Nov 2011), two battles will commence. One is for me, to fight for the right of the title PhD and another battle for Ayah, who had to undergo another operation because of the blasted cancer. Prior to this, Ayah tried holding on, he even wanted to wait until my sister finished her SPM before going to the hospital. Day by day it was evident that the bleeding was too much. Ayah was almost white due to loss of blood, but he kept on saying he is fine. Mama finally was able to coax him to go to the hospital after promising that it would only be for a blood transfusion. However, it turns out that even how much we want something, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Once Mama and Ayah got to the hospital (for a routine checkup only, Ayah won't go for anything else), Ayah was immediately put in he Emergency room. The doctor said that if we were to wait any longer, Ayah would go into ICU and face a high risk of a heart arrest.
...It wasn't easy putting on a brave front when in reality you don't know where to rest your hopes. During the goodbyes, I was defeated and had let a tear to be shed. Strength turned out to not be one of my virtues. I was angry at myself then, it was as if my heart did not listen to my head that reasoned that tears would only bog everybody down. But strength was a virtue for Ayah and Mama. Mama said that it was just something I have to go through, it is a test. That I have to be strong to face anything that comes to me. Ayah was adamant that I focus on the viva and not worry about him, and that he will be fine. I could see that they are both sad and worried about everything: about me, about the operation. But being sad and worried is detrimental to our circumstances so the right thing to do is keep your head up and march on with all your might. Whatever will be, will be.
Before leaving, the family surprised me with a beautiful Good Luck card that Lili had brought. It is a tradition for our family to give cards prior to any big exams but I totally forgot. It was filled with many encouraging words, a source of strength when there is none. Then the journey back home was the longest and the most empty. Everything that happened was a blur: all I know was that I have to go through the viva no matter what and then rush immediately to be with Ayah, Mama and the rest of the family. I have to win, even if the odds are incredibly against me.At home my sisters helped me with the preparations for the big day tomorrow. Alia helped to iron my clothes, Nim helped to get the house in order while Azrai had to stay at the hospital with Ayah and Mama. Me, I stayed up to make last minute changes and to go through the presentation and notes that were my arsenal for the viva.
The next day, I woke up and got ready. Then I woke everyone else because Nim had to go to school and Alia had to go to the hospital. I arrived at Shah Alam at 8.15am and took my breakfast of capati and a mug of hot tea (my Mom made me promise, in truth if given a choice I wouldn't have eaten anything). At 8.50am I am already at IPSis, readying for the viva at 9.30am. It was actually held at a little after 10.00am because the Chairperson for the session was late (got lost or stuck in traffic, I am unsure).
The presentation itself went well but I was visibly shaky at first that I had to steady my heart before I spoke haltingly. After a time it got better, even though the panels did not wait until I'm finished before bombarding me with questions. The questions came non-stop and I was even asked to sit after a time because they had so many things to test me (yes, one of the examiners said he was going to test me with technical questions and to ensure that I really wrote the thesis). In the end I thought that I handled the questions and comments well, alhamdulillah. Then after the shooting session, I was asked to wait outside. Then after some time Dr Kala invited me in. I went in and stared blankly to the panels, with zero expectations in my mind. I was really just taking this viva thing a moment at a time because I was unsure where it would take me. The Chairperson then proceeded to say, "Firstly, congratulations for your success in obtaining this doctorate...blablabla..."
Actually I did not catch anything she said beyond "Congratulations" because I was so relieved. It was like holding your breath for the longest time, when suddenly you can breathe again all you feel is the air rushing in. All I can think of was Alhamdulillah! I was elated and did not know what to do next. Dr Kala must've seen my shock because when I went to her and asked, "Is that all?" She said, "Yes, that is all. You did well. Come, let me hug you". And she hugged me! Haha, how awkward was that? But at that time I didn't care. All those people in the room helped me to get the PhD and I am greatly thankful. I even served the panels and my supervisor tea and kuih as a tiny token of appreciation.
After that I was busy going here and there to settle the viva thing with IPSis. I got a 2: meaning that I only had to do minor corrections. When I called Mama and told her the news, she was beyond happy. She also said thank you, which I thought was odd because it was me that should have said thank you. Then I remembered that Ayah wanted to see me get the PhD before anything happens to him. I also thought I heard her crying because I too was silently crying tears of joy and relief. Not so long later, Mama called to tell that Ayah was already out of the operation theatre and was resting in the ward. So both of us were the victor in each of our battles!
In the end, when our destinies are left to Him then all turned out okay. It has always been like that: my nights are indeed darkest before dawn. When the light shone through, it was brilliant and unpredictable.
Cantik kan perancangan Tuhan? ;)

Ph.inisheD.

2011-11-12T19:10:00.001+08:00

So many things to say but like a powerful surge of electricity, it results in a black out.
But, after all the impossibilities:

I did it!

Syukur Alhamdulillah
I just want to extend my deepest appreciation to the major players in my life. All of whom had played a significant role in making this dream a reality. If anyone say that they did the doctorate on their own, please be careful of that person because there's a 50% chance that he/she is a liar and another 50% chance that he/she is a psychopath.
So here goes...
A big heartfelt Thank you to my Mama and Ayah. I know it would be impossible without you. Your love, your strength, your understanding is incredible. I am thankful to Allah because He gave me the chance to be your daughter. Thank you and love you! To my brother and sisters, my bro-in-law, my nephew: you're all amazing and I love you!
Thank you to the rest of my big family WCJ. Family is indeed the substitute for angels in this world. A special mention is for Cik Ngah and family for always welcoming me to their house, Aunty Ana and family for welcoming me also to their house and letting me to use their car to go to the hospital, Caly for patiently helping me during the stay : from transportation and also for knowing where is the best food in KB, Ayah Chik and Cik Bi for lending me their car and allowing me to stay at Rebana and last but not least, to Arwah Ayah Su and family for helping me to stay in Rebana and also welcoming me to their house.
Thank you for my wonderful friends and labmates for always being there and being the shoulders to cry on whenever the storm strikes (yeah, shoulders. There are many and you could pick any one. They're that wonderful). Thank you also for the good times and helpful discussions and insight. It means a lot to me.
Thank you to my supervisors; Prof Zaki and Dr Teh for their help, guidance and training that is different from any other. I wouldn't be a PhD holder without these people, that is certain. I respect you as my teacher and am forever indebted to both of you for what you have done during my studies. Thank you.
Of course, there are others. I am sorry if I left out mentioning your name but I am still thankful for what you did. In reality, each and everyone of you who has become a part of my life since Dec 2006 until now contributes to my success. Thank you, you, you and of course, you. ;)

*Maybe if the writing muse come visit me again, I'll tell you all about the PhD journey.

**the words on the mug: TRUST ME I'M A PhD: No, not that kind of doctor...I spent years toiling away in a windowless lab just to get those three letters after my name. PhD

Punished before the trial

2011-11-04T12:21:00.000+08:00

"It's going to be on the 10th"

the warden grinned while clanking his heavy baton on the bars.

Staring into space and ignoring the warden, she felt it doesn't make any difference when is the next trial.

Suddenly the events of yesterday replayed and she swears she could smell the split coffee when her lawyer threw the newspaper to the table.

"I won't go with you! You're on your own"

He said it with such cold hatred that she doubts that he will go back on his decision. So now she is left with just the other novice lawyer. She isn't convinced that he would do any good because all the previous trials was handled by the more seasoned lawyer, the one who left her.

Well, that surely would have to suffice.

She is unsure whether God would help out criminals, but this time she hopes He does.

Dark times

2011-10-27T10:53:00.000+08:00

Out in the marsh reeds

A bird cries out in sorrow,

As though it had recalled

Something better forgotten.

~Ki No Tsurayuri (Xth century)

During this last leg of the race, I am left alone.

I am a rōnin during feudal times: a samurai who became masterless due to lost of favor.

Unending rain, but I am numbed. Nothing to do but drag my feet to move forward.

My brain feels like its pricked with a thousand pins.

According to the Code of the Samurai, I am supposed to commit hara-kiri upon the loss of my master. If not I will suffer great shame and be discriminated against by other samurai and the feudal lords.

The feudal lords are mistaken, I am sure. Other estranged warriors echoes my thoughts.
But the lords hold everything and I am left with nothing.

How far can a clear conscience get you?

How long can you stand to fight?

Two weeks sounds like hell. After that is a dark uncertain abyss.

La haula quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

It lights up the whole sky

2011-10-25T10:57:00.000+08:00

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."

Look at what happens to a love like that,

It lights the whole sky.

~Hafez (A Persian poet)

Killing time

2011-10-21T13:13:00.000+08:00

I was surfing mindlessly, looking at images at saharil.com.
Killing time, until I can gather strength to face reality again.
Thoughts that ran in my head during this time:
-Hey, I love clouds too. I used to take pictures of them with my phone. But my phone's gone now, I lost it after iftar with friends during the last Ramadhan. I wonder what would the people who found my lost phone would do with my pictures. I wish the SD card is destroyed by a passing car and the photos are lost forever. If I can't have it, it isn't fair for anyone else to have it.

-I think it'd be wonderful to be a hobo traveler. Basking in the world's beauty in my own sweet time. Go here and there without a care in the world.

-Then I thought about a post I did in my friendster blog (it's long gone now, thankfully I did manage to do a backup of my rantings.) This one was entitled "Kekosongan hakiki". I published it March 6, 2007. The puisi is from an article in a magazine. I couldn't remember who wrote those haunting words.

Pergilah perasaan,
Tinggalkan tubuhku kosong,
Bagai angkasa tiada berudara…

Kata- kata yang berkesan bagi seseorang yang mencari erti berperasaan. Bagi aku sendiri, memang selalu menginginkan keadaan tidak berperasaan. Tiada rasa cinta pada seseorang, tiada rasa suka pada seseorang, tiada rasa marah, tiada rasa kecewa. Tiada apa- apa. Kosong.

Ini mungkin tindakan refleks seseorang yang apabila berani berperasaan, akhirnya perasaan itu dipijak- pijak bagai tiada makna. Jadi apa gunanya? Lebih baik tidak berperasaan. Sesiapa yang cuba dekat, tidak akan berjaya melepasi dinding kukuh disekeliling dia yang tidak mahu berperasaan.

Keadaannya seperti orang yang berlindung dibelakang kubu. Sesiapa pun tidak akan berjaya mengapa- apakannya, tetapi akhirnya akan tewas juga kerana kehabisan bekalan. Dirinya menjadi seperti angkasa raya: luas, gelap, penuh dengan jasad mati. Tiada kehidupan kerana tiada udara. Kekosongan hakiki, sehingga nyawa sesiapa yang cuba hidup disitu akan dicabut untuk mengisi kekosongan ruang dan jasadnya dibiar terawang- awang tanpa arah yang menariknya. Tiadapun daya graviti untuk tentukan arahnya samada keatas, kebawah, kekiri, atau kekanan.

Kekosongan perasaan membawa kepada kehilangan erti kehidupan. Segala yang dilihat bagai wayang bisu yang tidak memberi makna. Kematian sebelum kehidupan. Diri terasa asing dari dunia dan seisinya.

Segalanya akan berakhir apabila diri mengerti yang kita diletakkan didunia bukan untuk berputus asa. Apabila berdoa dikurniakan kekuatan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya kelemahan untuk menjadikan kita kuat. Apabila berdoa untuk kebijaksanaan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya masalah- masalah untuk diselesaikan. Apabila berdoa untuk kebahagiaan, maka akan dikurniakan oleh-Nya kesedihan agar kita mengerti apa erti kebahagiaan. Jadi janganlah berputus asa terhadap rahmat Allah s.w.t. Ingat yang tiada siapa boleh bersalam dengan orang yang menggenggamkan tangannya. Tiada apa dalam alam ini yang tidak membawa erti dan sebab. Tiada siapa yang boleh hidup berseorangan, kita bukan diciptakan untuk itu.

Kepada sesiapa yang seperti aku, menginginkan keadaan kosong dalam diri: sudah lah

-Then I arrived at this post.

Haih..macam saje je kan.

Bilis vs paus

2011-10-21T10:14:00.000+08:00

Rasanya aku kalau merajuk mesti retaliate dengan passive aggressive stance.
Aku jadi malas, jadi the Master Procrastinator.
Tapi sebab aku rasional, aku akan fikir tentang kesannya: semua ni akan berbalik pada aku juga.
It is me who will pay the price.
Macam buat salah, kalau tak tau hukum kita tak berdosa kan? Tapi aku tau. Jadi, pemberontakan merugikan ini lebih menusuk. Aku rebellious yang bukan naif, I know full well what this would cost me.
Tapi bosan betul dengan keadaan sekarang.
Dinamik situasi aku sekarang memang penuh dengan emosi negatif.
Pastu jadi stress sebab semua yang aku lakukan adalah merugikan diri sendiri. Orang tu tak rugi apa pun.
Padahal dia salah. Patut dia pun rasa kesan kesalahan itu kan? Tapi tak.
Ikan bilis je rasa. Ikan paus apa kisah.
Ikan bilis mencuba macam nak mati, ikan paus hancurkan dalam sesaat.
Tiada maknanya usaha si bilis.
Ni lah rasanya bila ikan bilis tak puas hati dengan ikan paus.
Kan best kalau evolution berjalan dengan cepat sedikit?
Dah taknak jadi ikan bilis.
Boring betul.

Ti the Brave Tortoise

2011-10-19T15:11:00.000+08:00

Yesterday my friend found her missing tortoise.

It was lost since two weeks ago and yesterday it was found tired and hungry under the dining table.

The plight of the tortoise is so pathetic that I laughed so hard until there's tears in my eyes. It's like Ti, the Maha Pathetic Tortoise.

Imagine the escape plan of Ti while it discusses it with its friend Ki in the same aquarium one dark night:

"Ki, I've had it with this place. It isn't like home at all. All we get is water spinach, water spinach, water spinach."

"But, Ti. I kinda like water spinach. Better than the pellet they use to give us in the pet shop."

"Oh? Then how about this minuscule aquarium? I can't go two steps without bumping in to you."

Ki didn't say anything. Quietly like a tortoise, he inched away toward the plastic coconut tree as an effort to block out the complaints that is getting on his nerves.

Unsatisfied, Ti lashed out, "And this fake coconut tree. Are they trying to undermine our intelligence trying to make us believe that we're in Hawaii or something? At least in Hawaii they have pineapples!"

Ki just turned around without even trying to hide his boredom of this stale conversation.

"You have been complaining since the day we got here. So you don't like it here. What are you going to do? It's not like we have a choice. Just ride with it lah."

Ti couldn't believe his camouflaged ears.

"Ki, you don't understand. I can't live like this, I am meant for better things. Since the day I broke out of the egg, I know I'm destined for great things."

Silence.

So she continued.

"I'm breaking free tonight. I've thought about it, a lot. I have all of it planned out. You can either be in with me or you can just stay here like a stupid tortoise"

"I'm staying here and I think you should too. It's too dangerous out there. I'll be your friend, you don't have to be so lonely"

"I told you. I can't. So goodbye. If tomorrow you see I'm not here, just pray for me"

So that night as the lights are shut, Ti embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. To break free from oppression, to be free from situations that limit possibility. Out there, everything can come true.

Actually Ki didn't want to help Ti as a punishment for leaving him high and dry like that. But finally he relented. Climbing on Ki's back, Ti jumped out. Ti couldn't believe it. She figured that the surprising agility probably came from the rush of adrenaline of breaking free.

Ha ha! Finally, the world would know the Great Ti!

To cut a long exciting story short, Ti was found under the dining table two weeks later. Probably in Ti's eyes, the vast living room with its dry carpet is like a big desert. Constantly on the move, dodging the eye of dinosaur-sized humans to not get caught. Days turned into nights. Everything reeks of danger. The outside world is nowhere in sight. Where is the lake? Where are the lush green trees? Apparition of food and water haunted Ti who persevered to reach the oasis. But the illusion always gave way to barrenness of the hostile environment.

It seems to me its a pity that she's born a tortoise. Born with an ambition that is larger than her reality. If she was born a cat or a rabbit, the two weeks period would have given it ample time to escape. As a tortoise, after two weeks she didn't even get past the dining room.

It's a shame to have all this determination to succeed, and she had even set the wheels turning only to be bogged down by the limited capacity of self.

The burning question: is it a curse to be born a tortoise but with a heart of a dragon?

The contrast is so stark, their destinies unalterable.

It may be better for the soul to not have these dangerous desires to break free from the norm.

Who can challenge the Grand Design anyway?

Better to just be automatons, just do whatever is expected of you, with an empty shell for a mind.

Yes, may be that is best...

...If you're a tortoise named Ki.

So if you are human but want to settle for a destiny of a tortoise, that is your choice.

That is after all, the easier route to take.

Blame all on circumstances, blame all on the Grand Design. You alone is blameless.

For me I envy Ti, at least she made a move to escape.

God have said that all people are equal. What differentiates them is their faith.

So you got to do something different!

Einstein says that one of the hallmarks of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. If you're static in the mind, static in motion: there is no chance of ever getting anything different from the things you've had before.

So yes, although Ti is so glaringly pathetic at least she had some qualities to be admired.

When Ti was put back into the aquarium, I could imagine the scene:

"Hey Adventurous Ti, never thought I'd see you here. How was it?" smirked Ki.

*punch in the face*

Haha! Girl power rocks!

Dreams even when we're awake

2011-10-13T16:36:00.001+08:00

Is it possible to miss someone you never met?
I don't know about you, but I certainly can.
I can picture a thousand scenes,
but all would somehow take me back to the memory of someone I don't even know.
All I have is a name and still images.
It's like all roads lead to Rome: all thoughts lead me to you.

Is it possible to miss going to a place you've never been to?
Again, this I can certainly do.
I can smell the warmth of the soft breeze caressing the side of my face.
I can picture how the light of the sun would blaze into my eyes as I squint toward the clear cloudless sky.
I can almost swear to you that I hear the rustle of the sand dunes,
forever moving the grains that never stand still.
There would be thousands of people, all dressed in white and engrossed with their issues with the Almighty. But all I can see is me and my parents, hoping every second is lengthened to a life time,
just so that the overwhelming appreciation and humbleness would never leave our hearts.
I have never been there, but I miss it so.

Maybe, memories don't need to be based on tangible things.
Maybe, those images can't be qualified as memories.
Maybe these are just dreams to lull me to sleep.
But how can dreams persist even when I am awake?
So now, I am willing it with all my heart to be a reality.
Like a little girl who wants to play outside, praying on her knees for the rain to stop.
Raising her little stubby hands in prayer,
oblivious to the sneering adults that say, "Don't be foolish, just stay inside."
But she doesn't care, the important thing is that she has faith that is unwavering in the face of hopelessness.
Whatever it is, I am hoping it's a snapshot of my future.Every hope is a prayer and I hope that both get answered.
InsyaAllah

A flicker of sunshine even when it rains

2011-10-08T01:00:00.002+08:00

ROSALYNN
She'd smile,
and birds would feel that they no longer had to sing,
or it may be I failed to hear their song.
Within a crowd, I'd hope her glance might be for me,
but knew she was shy, and wished to be alone.
I'd pay to sit behind her, blind to what was on the screen,
and watch the image flicker upon her hair.
I'd glow when her diminished voice would clear my muddled thoughts,
like lighting flashing in a gloomy sky.
The nothing in my soul with her aloof
was changed to foolish fullness when she came to be with me.
With shyness gone and hair caressed with gray
her smile still makes the birds forget to sing
and me to hear their song.
~Jimmy Carter

I found this in a Reader's Digest article on the American President when I was young. It must have been at least 12 years back. I think he wrote it for his wife. Because the title so closely resemble my name, I've always kept this poem in my heart, replaying bits of it that I remember in my head. Now with the power invested in me by Google, I found it again!
I don't know how to judge this literary piece with all it's technicalities, whether this poem is good or not. All I know is that it speaks to me, like whispers to the soul.
This reason alone renders everything else irrelevant, right?

A probable miracle

2011-09-23T17:29:00.002+08:00

These are the last days of Syawal for this year.
During these last days, invitation to open houses are pouring in. I wasn't able to do the 6-day fast in Syawal during the early days so I started yesterday. Today is my 2nd day. So to ensure that I complete all 6 days I have to fast everyday until Tuesday and have my 2nd raya on Wednesday.
So how about all the invitations? I did not want to be known as an antisocial, not fulfilling the invitations on purpose. So just now I just attended an open house event while fasting.
Haha. Yes, I did something weird and I nearly opted out of it but I really want to show that I wanted to come. It may be weird but if I were the hostess, I would prefer my guests to come to the event even if they are fasting. The important thing is to gather and socialize: the food is the glue that holds them together. So to hell with conventions, if I feel good then it couldn't really be that wrong ;)
But that didn't lessen the feeling of awkwardness. He-heh (nervous laugh).
The food smelled delicious and the color of each dish was somehow enhanced that I wondered whether I was stuck in a tv's Food Network in full HD. There were fragrant plates of nasi berlauk, succulent chicken sate, steaming mee sup daging, sweet bubur kacang and even white sandwiches that were all specially home-made.
Ahh.
I went there with a group of my friends and so naturally after taking food we all sat in a circle, talking and laughing all the way. It was quite a challenge, the food was so mouth watering and tempting! However, I held out, ignoring the consistent pleas of whispering gluttony devils.
Then when all of it was over I can almost hear the drumming music my tummy makes. Salam with everybody and quite glad to finally able to head home. But then the wonderful hostess surprised me with a plastic bag full of packed food! Haha! (actually it was not so surprising because she said before that she'll pack me some food but I kept my expectations low because she was so busy with all the other guests. So it was easy to forget about me and I didn't want to remind her: macam ape je kan. So I regard as a blessing that she remembered lil ol' me :) haih..me and my hopes :p ).
This whole situation takes me to a thought that I've been playing in my head for a while now. It's the concept of rizq that is not only governed by what do we get but also by when we get them.
Consider the situation I went through: I went to an event where everyone is expected to eat but I couldn't. Then I was surrounded by those who are eating and I had to be patient with what I was doing to accomplish what I want. However, when I thought that the rizq was certainly lost from me, that there was no way I would get some and that I should just forget the whole thing and be content with what I settled with, suddenly I got what I everybody had before.
See?
It is already written before what would be ours (in this case: a packaged nasi berlauk). Even when other people had theirs and I didn't (the people that ate during the event and I fasted), in the end I had the opportunity to taste what was restricted to me before (the packaged food).
Yes, you can counter that this is not absolute: who can say that I would actually eat the nasi and that it won't just be another one's rizq? for example maybe I will forget about the nasi that I had stored in the fridge when I go back today or that I would remember to bring it back but I had to share with others or that it would simply go bad and had to be thrown away. Yes, who can say? But to think about all those is irrelevant to me because now, at least I have the possibility of it being mine. Amazingly, I am already happy and content. If it isn't, an important thing to remember is that I won't be left to die of hunger anyway: I would just break my fast with what is really meant to be my rizq. Another possibility is that it was never meant to be mine but maybe I would just be the messenger to bring that piece of rizq to another, who is the true recipient of it.
It's a beautiful system, true to the concept of adil. All things should be given/put to/at its rightful owner/place.
Ok, let's stretch this idea to the question of life's opportunities or soulmates.
[Just substitute the nasi berlauk for the aforesaid things - I think I would be repeating myself if I explain it here hehe].
This concept somehow makes patience easier to accept and do, for me anyway. And analogies that use food is nice and fitting for fasting people like me haha. Oh, and another thing. What is patience without effort? Don't put destiny to task when it's you that distort the meaning of patience and taqwa. So this does not in any way mean that all you have to do is wait around waiting for the moon to suddenly turn into gold and descend on you. That is just silly and those things only happen in imaginary tales. You have to at least increase the probability of things to happen to you. Then it probably will, insyaAllah :)

Runaway

2011-09-21T18:06:00.002+08:00

I wonder, What can I hope for?

What if what I want is something that cannot be attained but something that can only be given?

Since young, we have all learned that things would happen if you strive for it.

But what if there is no more room for trying?

Finally I arrived. After that arduous journey, I made it!
But the relief that washed over just moments before evaporated with the realization that the path is limited by a barbed fence, the future I hope for is at the other side.
The fence looked menacing.
The weather darkens but occasionally the icy glint of the wires shone by the lightning. It's going to rain soon.
To go back is something I dread. I would trade my life just so I don't have to go back. With a heavy breath I looked up slowly to the fence.

How high is it?

Where would my dreams go if I am unable to go chasing after it?

It is cruel for fate to flirt with our expectations and hope. The promise was that once I get there, then this curse would be lifted. I consorted with this illusion because no one bothered to tell me about the fence.I took a step nearer. Holding on to the fence, careful not to touch the thorn-like barbs. Shaking it, hoping it would budge. Screaming into the silence, hoping that someone would come.
No one did.
I closed my eyes. It was as though a dark cold cloud descended on me and enveloped me in distress. I hugged myself tighter, trying to offer solitary comfort. It was more like a useless coaxing to feel better but this feels like a dead end.

I tried so hard.

I couldn't believe that it has all come down to nothing. I really don't know how to try anymore. I don't dare to dream anymore because they keep turning into nightmares. I stopped hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm hoping that the tunnel would just end.

The cold is biting to my bones. Looking at my hands in the moonlight makes me wonder if I have any warmth in my blood. They look deathly white. I snuggled in my jacket at the bottom of the fence. The tiredness began to steal my consciousness. I rested my head down, slowly I closed my eyes. I stopped worrying about the future, all I want now is just to not remember.
**********

"Hoi, get up"
I felt a sudden pain in my stomach where he kicked me. His words awoke me rudely from my cold slumber. Eyes fluttering trying to focus, I squinted to where two faint lights are shining. I realized they were headlights of a truck, so I know they've found me.
Glancing through the fence, I could almost see an apparition waving at me. The dream still stands there, waiting for me to go make it a reality.
"I'll come back again," I whispered under my breath.Impatient, he came to grab me.
I pushed his hands away, a little harsher than I intended. Then I boarded the truck. In the winds that blow, I stared at the fence until it fades from my sight. The truck continued on, taking me to the things I wanted to get away from.

I'm back!

2011-09-21T16:36:00.002+08:00

The trip was awesome. I guess I did something right in my life to be granted an opportunity to experience something like that. Alhamdulillah. I've posted some pictures of the trip on FB but not many because the batteries of the camera keeps dying on me. But my friends have loads of pics, so maybe I'll get the pictures from them later.

But now I'm in post-holiday mode which is a good thing. It's like my steps are getting lighter, and I keep having urges to run for no apparent reason. I feel...active. I highly recommend a holiday getaway for anyone as an effective antidote for a heavy heart. It'd do you good.

p/s: now I got to focus on the viva..then viva la vida! InsyaAllah :)

Let's go!

2011-09-14T23:10:00.001+08:00

Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

~J.R.R. Tolkien

Tomorrow insyaAllah me and a couple of my friends would be going to Krabi, Thailand.
I really hope everything goes well, I hope we will all be happy.
Leave all the problems here for a while but take with us the memories of loved ones.
This trip for me is not only a holiday, but more like a test. Can I take care of myself as I like to think I can?
I don't want to be fooled by the illusion of overconfidence. A measure of fear would keep me on my toes, but won't paralyze me. This is something I've been waiting for so long, it's like breaking free of the things that mess up my heart.
This is not a guided tour, we're basically our own navigators. Fixed plans were kept on a minimum, it's all about flexibility. The only fixed plan so far is that we will make riding an elephant a must. That's about it. Sometimes I think we're crazy, because all of us come from a scientific background: used to the things that are structured and can be figured out easily. But the way we're planning this (or not planning?) it's so different and it's exhilarating!
It reminds me of the journey of Frodo and Sam in that epic tale. Both discovered parts of themselves that they never knew existed. Maybe we're all capable of everything, but at different levels and on different times. To really know the person you see in the mirror everyday, you have to make available the opportunities that would make them shine.
Ok, now suddenly this reminds me of Hulk. You know that Hulk only comes out when there is a need, a provocation that set off the transformation to Hulk. Mind you, I am not suggesting that you go become a monster when someone makes you angry. What I mean is that sometimes things happen that would make you become something you never knew you could. It doesn't have to be negative provocation, hopefully a positive simulation would cause the transformation into a better person. So when you travel, you never can know where you'll end up, what are the things that have to be dealt with and who knows who would you become? (Not Hulk I hope).
So let's go! The world is too big to be stuck at one place anyway ;)

Slayed by time

2011-09-08T01:08:00.000+08:00

I just got the tentative date for my viva.

It's 10th October 2011, insyaAllah.

I'm surprised because each time I tell this to people, they clap their hands, put a big smile on their faces and say heartily, "Congratulations!"

Why?

I am not particularly happy. I'm just 20% relieved that I'm finally on the road to end this journey and 80% terrified that I would mess up.

I hope, pray, beg that all would turn out alright.

So to make myself more terrified, let's do a bit of mathematics.

24 hours per day that consist of:

5 hours: sleep (why is sleep the first thing? this is surely not a good sign :p)

3 hours: eating and other essential daily activities (like praying, bathing)

3 hours: other nonessential daily activities (like driving, washing the dishes)

3 hours for PROMISE. The supervisors forbid us from doing any more thesis-related work during office hours so they're piling center-related work on us now.

~ I can't think of anything else right now but it is safe to say that there is approximately 10 effective working hours that have to be used to the maximum (hope, pray, beg).

10th Oct 2011 is 32 days away.

4 days I'm going to Krabi for a holiday getaway (I brought the tickets in February and so I had no idea this would happen)

That leaves 28 days.

Let's allocate 4 days for maintenance of sanity (believe me this is essential). My supervisor likes to say that PhD really means "Permanent head Damage." So maybe we'll find out after 10th Oct won't we?

24 days remain.

That is 24 days x 10 hours = 240 hours = 10 days

Just over a week!

*faint*

Sound like a sound idea?

2011-08-29T10:52:00.002+08:00

It's raya everyone!

But I am here in front of this computer because I'm trying to complete an assignment from my supervisor. It's the paper that I've told you before. I did manage to complete it before raya leave on Friday (yeay! *pat self on the back*). But I should have known that my super-efficient supervisor would finish it by Sunday and message me to tell that she had mailed the correction and I should do it ASAP (she even include a friendly reminder that I should not just eat during raya coz then I'll get fat (~~fatter than I already am?~~) and that I should dedicate those precious hours to work instead. I responded that I'll keep that advice in mind while eating at the raya open house buffet :p)

So I am here now. For two hours already, but only managed minor corrections. Where's my scientific muse? I suspect that even muses have to go holiday sometimes. My mind feels like it's on some kind of controlled substance because I feel like my head is softly lolling on waves. I suspect that it's because of the lack of sleep plus the natural excitement of preparing for raya. Yesterday the whole family spring cleaned the house until 3.00 a.m. Then we woke at 4.30 a.m for the last Ramadhan sahur for this year. Then after subuh prayers I took a moment to get a little shut-eye but it was interrupted in half hour intervals because I asked mom and dad to wake me up before 7.30 am. I had an appointment to help a friend to drive her to the bus station that morning. I didn't want to be the reason she did not get on that bus toward her family for Raya, I could be hated for that. If ever I was late then I suspect that no amount of cheery Raya greetings and request for forgiveness would be entertained.

Then after I got back from the bus station I decided against sleeping to just try finish a bit of the journal because when will there be a other time? Now's perfect because today supposed to be our cooking day but it'd start late because of the overtime yesterday and continue until the wee hours of the morning so that we're all sporting panda eyes during Eid. My mom went out with my brother to settle some errands and my sisters are all still sleeping (cis, sedap tido) so this leaves me alone to do the right thing: working on that paper and not updating my blog with pointless babbles.

Tapi, ya Allah, mengantuknya!

...

Self-imposed deadline: Friday.

I promise to do it on the 3rd raya.

...Or maybe its better I look at the journal after 2nd raya?

Ok, maybe I'll try to fit it in on 1st raya.

Hmm..how about after cooking rendang, sate, ketupat, kuah kacang, nasi impit, sambal udang, serunding ikan bilis, carrot cake, pavlova and choc chip cookies?

Maybe the best option for me now is just to sleep and then try do it today.

Or a little bit everyday until it's finished?

Sounds like a sound idea.

Let us just see what happens by Friday, ok? ;)

A compendium of Babbles

2011-08-21T00:29:00.005+08:00

Let's just talk. Let's see where this takes us.

So this week I've been busy, going for iftar gatherings with friends 3 nights in a row, all with different people. Even though I enjoyed myself immensely, I still caught myself wishing I can be with the family at the same time. But we can only be at one place at a time. Maybe, that is just as well because it's greedy to want to have everything all at the same time.

***

In one of the iftar outings, I accidentally revealed the mystery person in my mind. I never meant for anyone to know. Oh well. But, in a way, it's a relief having someone know. Even though it may be a hopeless prayer (notice how I am still hoping? silly me).

***

I have more time now at the lab. It feels like I've been laid off, systematically erased from the system because I opted not to join the show for next season. I still have some work to do but because all of it involves paper work and reading journals, I am still unable to switch modes from post-thesis mode to productivity mode. Guess I gotta get myself straighten up and get it done before Raya leave. Kan bagus kalau aku ni seorang yang sangat berdisiplin dalam bekerja? Then maybe I would've filled the 100 empty pockets of time I created in my days with beneficial things. This lag-phase has went on too long, need to re-focus!

***

Travel has been constantly in my mind. Me and my friends were supposed to go to Krabi after raya. It was a spontaneous decision and all of us were excited by it. But we just found out that it was going to be the rainy season. I think it's funny that we would be going to the beach while its raining, but sometimes I don't particularly care. It even rains in paradise. The important thing is the company and the experience afforded by the trip. And who knows, maybe it'd be a blessing in disguise. I can't wait to go! I've grown tired of being jealous of all the places all other people have been. I want to go too, why can't I go? So I'm hoping that this would be the first of many travels to come :)

***

I think I ought to save up for a camera.

***

The other day I went through my posts. I noticed that I've been having love issues since forever. I'm hoping this dry spell to be over but I do know that I'll prepare myself just in case another sandstorm decide to come instead the blessed fall of rain.

***

Just a thought, but I think that people who don't bother shouldn't be made to involve in anything, in everything. Especially love. Your apathy disgusts me.

***

And I wonder, can addiction be self-treated? Self-healed. It is after all, a disease of the mind.

***

Ok, going back to the iftar again. During the iftar today, surrounded by all the loving couples with their cute babies in their arms, one of the single guys remarked (almost to himself), "eh, macam best je". Then I asked him, "apa yang best?" He answered, "semua ni la, macam best aje" while gesturing to the scene of young mommies holding their babies while discussing baby-related escapades and the young daddies all sitting around looking all fatherly. I think it's hilarious that he just realized how much that the singles are missing (me included). He didn't know?

I've known it for the longest time.

***

Whatever it is, I just got to say this: To my sis and paliy, and to my friends: thank you for sharing your little bundle of joy and shining a little sunlight in our hearts! :)

The End.

Light upon light

2011-08-16T09:59:00.003+08:00

"I am constantly being asked what this or that means in my films. It’s unbearable! An artist does not have to be accountable for his intentions. I did not do any deep thinking about my work. I don’t know what my symbols mean. I only desire to induce feelings, any feelings, in viewers. People always try to find “hidden” meanings in my films. But wouldn’t it be strange to make a film while striving to hide one’s thoughts? My images do not signify anything beyond what they are… We do not know ourselves that well: sometimes we express forces which cannot be grasped by any ordinary measure."
~ Andrei Tarkovsky

I always wonder about this. I wonder how the artist shape their masterpieces to convey a meaning. Must there be a reason for everything? A reason for a dot there, a line here. Colors everywhere, black and white just sprinkled here and there. It's just that I think it would be a heavy task for a person to engineer his/her work to really represent the idea in its purest form.

Does the symbolism encompass everything?

It would be tiring to always second guess yourself, wondering if ever your interpretation is true to what the artist meant. And a satisfying answer doesn't exist. Maybe in this sense I am a generalist (a contrast to my usually detailed self). I look at a work of art as a whole; the meaning for me is formed by the symphony of all components coming together.

I don't usually regard the elements individually. The significance of an art piece, a song or a story is based on my experiences, my personal views and even my feelings at that moment. I look at it and it either speaks to me or it doesn't. It is overwhelming to analyse everything, seriously. I just can't deal with the uncertainty, I guess. Or it is just my inadequacy. I regard as sheer genius for an artist to carefully consider every layer of meaning, every possible angle of interpretation to take the observer to share a glimpse of their inspiration. The creative process is a complex maze of making sense of everything that plays in the artist's mind and heart.

It is the same with writers. The way they play their words is powerful and wonderful to behold. They could move nations to revolt, the oppressed to rise and the sad to be joyous again. Maybe it's true that the heart has many strings and these artists and writers just know how to play the right notes.

Maybe, precisely for these reasons the Quran is so lyrically majestic and that its lessons have to be done with hikmah. It has so many layers of meaning that even after hundreds of years scholars have not finished analyzing it. The Quran has to be learned from a teacher as interpretations vary between individuals. Teaching with hikmah means that even the lessons have to be tailored according to the audience: not altering the essence of meaning but rather customizing the lessons according to what could be accepted by the individual's level of thinking. This is why the demand for knowledge is of utmost importance in Islam. When our knowledge increases, what becomes clear to us is not visible to those who do not know. We slowly begin to appreciate the layers of meaning so intricately beautiful and hidden like the petals of a rose.

As stated here in the Quran, Allah guides to His light whom He wills.

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.
An Nur (24:35)

Only with clarity provided with knowledge that the true meaning of anything could be understood. Only then could we be enlightened. Reflect on these words:

“Everyone sees the unseen in proportion to the clarity of his heart, and that depends upon how much he has polished it. Whoever has polished it more sees more - more unseen forms become manifest to him."
~Rumi

Therefore, the pressing issue now is to increase our knowledge to attain the highest pinnacle of understanding. The first step is easy and already revealed to us: Iqra'.

Black Maria

2011-08-15T16:16:00.002+08:00

"When will I stop putting these thoughts into words, praising love that never once cared for the praise I pledge? I should stop myself whenever I feel those words forming in my mouth, threatening to fill over my lips," I vowed to myself a hundred times over.

I stared again at the mirror. The cheap makeup could really conceal everything, especially under these dim orange lights. I moved my hand to shake the ash off my last cigarette, putting them into a little can that I modified to double up as an ashtray. I made a mental note to empty the ashes when I come here again tomorrow, it's full and its stale smell is beginning to get to me. It's a habit of mine to blame the ashes, even though I know full well that smoking in a closed room is what makes the room so stifling. But the smoke is the only one thing keeping me going. I can't let go of that.

Then I sunk onto the chair again. I checked my blouse. This should be alright. But it makes me think of red roses, something that I would dearly want to forget. But whatever it is, I think if he comes tonight he would appreciate the contrast of my yellow skin against the dark red.

My thoughts trailed again as I remembered that roses symbolizes passionate love. I don't know whether it'd qualify to symbolize my love: a thing so resilient that it'd come back afresh to haunt me whenever hope dares to flicker through. I suspect that the people I've given a rose to didn't understand the significance of the gift. They think me mad for giving them a rose; they always have a look of surprise in their faces and confusion in their eyes. I gave it to them anyway. But I never bother to cut out the thorns, as I bled while giving it to them I thought that they might as well bleed with me. Yes, it's a cheap shot: a bitter revenge by someone who's always at the losing end.

I checked the time on the old clock, and the hands are showing 10.00 o'clock. I feel like lingering for a while, savouring the stillness of the night. I went to the window and peeked, checking whether there is anyone on the streets. There is no one. I sat again in front of the dressing table, toying with the hair brush. The all around silence is both comforting and companionable.

Which reminds me, roses also symbolizes silence.

It is so fitting. Love and silence often come hand in hand. There is no need for bright neon lights and trumpeting noise to announce your love. If you mix love with noise, for me it becomes too commercialized, plasticized. No room for the real thing. You can't rush things like love or try to understand it. It either happens or it doesn't. It is either there or it is absent. You have to be one of those lucky ones to have it, and exceptionally blessed to have another person to reciprocate. If you are one of the unlucky ones, I'm sorry I have to break it to you but maybe you're condemned to hold your heart alone forever. This realization is almost always the pin that burst everyone’s bubble: the possibility that love can be selective on whom it chooses to grace with its presence. Call it what you want; luck, fate, or destiny. I’m done blaming things that are out of my control. It doesn’t seem fair to indulge in the blame game when in my heart I realize it is not that big of a deal.

Seriously, it isn’t. The fact is that not everyone is sprinkled with fairy dust. The ones who aren’t probably won’t need it in that way anyway. Love is not bounded with just one form but rather it could manifest in each of our lives in different ways. Sometimes it is too subtle to notice that the void is felt only after it is gone. Actually what we all need is time because love is already there. Not in the way you may want it to be, but it is there.

Yeah, probably I should drag myself out of this abyss of self pity and be thankful for a change for the time I’ve been given. But this may be only my idealist side coming into play. I like to lull myself like that sometimes, I allow my self to be swayed by flimsy hopes only to be brought down again by reality. This time it was the soft rustling at the door. Then I saw what I expected: a yellow note folded neatly in two, slipped into my room beneath the door. I waited until the shadow at the door to move away as I inched toward the note.

"Cancelled"

Just like that. Actually I was expecting more.

Well, I'm always expecting more. Stupid note. Oh well. I should be going on then. No use wasting more of my time here. I'll come by tomorrow.

About Tentang (pun intended)

2011-08-06T16:29:00.004+08:00

This is a review on a book written in Malay that is dotted sparingly with English. I imagine that if the book is translated then it'd be an English book dotted sparingly with Malay. That's strange.

But, this shouldn't be shrugged off as an impossibility: many authors have had their works translated, right?

Moreover, this review would be in English. Haha. But hey, maybe using a different language would lead to a pool of audience that is different from the Malay reviews. (I hope).

As evidenced by this nonsensical introduction, I bet that you'd guess by now that my experience reviewing books are at the minimal level. Before this, I've attempted to review Travelog Haji: Mengubah Sempadan Iman by Prof Muhd Kamil Ibrahim. I even did 2 posts about it here and here before I surrendered here. So much for high hopes for self, eh? But reading those posts again made me question, are those actually reviews? Oh, well. That is besides the point, if they aren't then just consider this attempt as the first.

Title: Tentang

Year: 2011

Author: Saharil Hasrin Sanin

Publisher: Sindiket Sol-Jah

So here goes:

Before anything, the first thing you'd notice is the cover. Maybe it's purposely chosen to grab attention but it can also mean that you can expect the text to be similar with the cover: strange, familiar but only could be contemplated in the mind as words would fail you.

I feel like that sometimes while working my way through the book. I have the habit of reading multiple books in one go and this book makes it easier because after a story I could just stop awhile and then restart where I left off. I was not left hanging, anticipating the next story because one thing you'd learn is that you should expect the unexpected.

Sometimes after finishing a story, I felt a strange aftertaste and I'd look around like I was caught red-handed spying on someone else's life. While reading, a movie would play based on the narrator's text. Or in another instance, you'd imagine a friend, or a stranger on a train telling you his story like its nobody's business. And you, the attentive listener, is just content to stay and listen.

Sometimes, after a story, I fell silent. I think many would identify with many elements played. The honesty of the human perception is evident here. Emotions like melancholy, exhilaration, anticipation, frustration, hope, helplessness and other colors of the heart are manipulated like an elaborate puppet show to illustrate a story or to drive home a point. How it affects me and you would be different.

Everybody says (including the author himself) that the stories possess multiple layers of meaning. I reckon it is like the movie Inception: a dream within a dream. Whether you identify which layer of dream you are in is irrelevant because what you recognize and identify would be real to you. Whatever manifest itself as having significance to you is what is important: all the other layers become immaterial. You are in your own reality. You now have an option to be content with what you understand or to dive deeper.

...Taking a lesson from the movie, I hope you don't fall into limbo ;)

So if you are thinking whether buying this book would be worth it, I'd suggest you read the numerous reviews of Tentang and its twin, Kentang that is filled with praise for the book and author.

To date there's no serious criticism of the book (and if any of you dare, you'd be buried by his legion of die hard fans). The only thing for me is that I am not really into some of the supershort stories because it left too much space bare. I like my books to be filled with words.

But that's about it. I don't particularly care about the typos (deliberate or otherwise) as I feel that's just keeping it real. I already know (from the experience of writing my thesis) that even after a hundred revisions by a hundred eyes: perfection is hard to attain.

So if you're considering a book to buy, pick a wildcard and choose this one :)

The breaking up speech

2011-08-06T13:05:00.003+08:00

If my car is my boyfriend, I think he's breaking up with me.

"I've been with you since 2006, I've never failed you in any way. I've taken you to places you have never been, I have never put my interest before you. You remember how I've been with you, took you to fight your battles all because you're chasing opportunities and nursing a scarred sense of dignity when all others left you alone? You remember how I let you cry in the car when the cosmos just seem to be against you in every way? And don't forget how I endured your bad karaoke-like singing everyday when you're alone in the car to work?
And all of that for what?
Ok, I admit. You took care of my batteries brilliantly. You even have a bottle of battery water handy in case you have to top it off. And thanks for the tyres, I know all four of them are shining brand new. But this was all because our past arguments have been about you not caring to look at the battery water levels and I got fed up. The tyres were also because you used the previous ones until they're bald but still I marched on until one rainy day when the tyres can't take it anymore and they died at the side of the road, a motorist wearing a raincoat signalling that I was running flat.
Oh, thank you for finally learning to change my tyres. I fell in love with you again for that.
But now other things are becoming important. I can't help demanding these things if commitment is what you want.
You have never even bothered to check my oil levels, you just left that responsibility to the one servicing me. You never knew the basics of car maintenance: apart from the batteries, you should also check the water levels in the car radiator. I know you asked but you shouldn't be so naive as to expect they teach you the whole syllabus of Car Maintenance 101!
The driver window is already broken but you found a way around it by procuring a Smart Tag, so the necessity to fix the windows are demoted to a lesser priority. My coat is also chipped and ugly everywhere. Running beside a shiny car makes me feel like I'm wearing rags. You don't know the feeling!
But now it is too late. I'm paying you back, with Blu Cantrell singing "Hit em up style" in the background. I'll probably make up with you in a week, but I hope you are not the same person that I left. You have to understand me for a change!"

And with that, Pajero left. I was at the brink of tears when I saw them opening you up, doing all sorts of things I don't understand. I felt like wailing my heart out when I heard their estimate. I think they saw it in my face, because they politely stood out of the way after that for me to call Mom. I felt ill, like vomiting when I had to describe what Pajero had done to me. Mom came, took my zombie-like self as I tried to come to terms to the chain of events that were anticipated to follow.

Pajero, forgive me.

Take me back, please?

A cautionary time

2011-08-05T10:54:00.002+08:00

Have you ever eaten sand?

Not little bits of sand that was leftover from inadequate washing of vegetables, but a mouthful of dry fine sand. It creates a painful lump in the throat. I could imagine the noise that the little grains would make as it resounds in the head. It would be difficult to swallow, definitely. That's probably due to the dryness of the sand. That is how the sensation felt like when I was told the news.

Have you ever noticed how the colors seem to fade and with it all reality slipped into a vacuum?

Nothing matters anymore when beauty is lost. And you don't even bother recalling the memories, it would not bring any comfort anyway. Right now, at least. What matters now is only the concern of the present.

...It has started again. It is a time to be cautious. I am thankful for all that Allah has given us,but I am still afraid. I'm praying hard for strength and time for everybody, especially Ayah.

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'azim

No algorithm for success

2011-07-30T08:56:00.003+08:00

We need to accept that there is no algorithm for success. In fact, any such recipe would be self-defeating. The process of achieving success is irreducibly specific, irreducibly individual, and irreducibly paradoxical. It is not the realm of science, logic and analysis - it is the realm of art, precisely because art is comfortable with paradox and self-contradiction in a way that science and logic is not.
Or: "If I knew the jazz of the future, I'd play it" as someone said.

~Whimsley.typepad.com

Of prayers and wishes

2011-07-27T11:49:00.003+08:00

The other day after prayers my sister asked me, "what did you ask from God?"

And I told her.

Some people make their wishes a secret because they believe that if it is revealed then it won't come true.

I don't know about that. For me, the more people who know a wish, then maybe for a moment it would resound in their heads for a while. Like a temporary prayer. If the dynamics of making wishes come true works like this then my chances of success would improve when there are many people who knows it, in extension more people are also asking what I want.

Hmm..suddenly I feel like taking advantage of people, using them to make my wishes come true.

If these people know how I took advantage of them, would they suddenly refuse to hear my wishes or even charge me for it? Maybe it'll become a paid service one day: I'll pray for you if you pay me enough.

This exactly the reason why the fact that the connection between subject (you) and Allah has no barriers is so important. To have a mediator would create so many problems. How about if you're shy with your wishes? Or if words fail to convey your meaning? It is not like you can communicate with brainwaves to your mediator. So the best way is to ask directly yourself.

Another reason is that if we are to require mediators for our prayers, people like me who hope for the same set of things every minute of every day would be a bore. People don't have divine patience, this is a fact. Just try this simple test: ask repeatedly for the same thing and in a matter of minutes the retort would be, "I'm trying the best I can, can you just shut up and wait?". The aggressive ones wouldn't care, they'll continue to ask anyway, but the passive ones would back away. It is the same if you're asking for different things, if it comes from one source (you) then you'll wear on their patience. They'll avoid you for sure, "Hide! Here's the person who asks too much". And there you are, running around with something to say but no one to say it to.

Kinda sad, ea?

So I am thankful that I can say things to Allah that were meant for Him only and I know that Allah will not hide from me or move away. It is me who'll hide or run away from Him.

During these times of unresolved issues, some one said to me, "You must listen to your heart. But you must know how to differentiate the whispers of angels from the whispers of the devil."

This is tall order for me, I think they sound the same sometimes!

The boundaries of right and wrong are blurred and the future has never been ours to know. We only have this moment, this brief second. This is actually the defining moment. So, you better make it count.

(p/s: Good luck!)

Careless heart in a game to lose

2011-07-20T09:43:00.003+08:00

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening
~Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.
My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.
He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.
The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

I don't like this feeling of being weak. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for wanting something so unattainable.

You don't even know I exist, I know. I've been spending my days and nights playing with schemes to "accidentally" make myself known, or for you to magically say "hi" to me.

Crazy. And childish.

Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself.

But I never cease to question myself, "why you?"

No one can answer that.

You just popped into my mind one day and decide to stay in my heart.

I wish I can purge you out.

The heart never learns as it plays by its own rules.

I wish it wasn't so.

No one can know, because it'd be embarrassing.

And because I can't have you, I resolve to keep on moving, to keep on running.

Maybe I'll busy myself so that there is no chance to think about you. Bury myself in search of earthly transient fulfillment in my budding career or anywhere that I'm sure you are not there.

Because I just can't accept that I let the heart to be so loose that it could be broken by just anyone. This is absolutely unacceptable.

It's like you're holding a tiny glass diamond everywhere you go. But without you realizing it, this particular glass diamond has the tendency to fall off your grip at the most inopportune time, mostly without you realizing it. Then somebody from out of nowhere, walking by in a rush, accidentally trampled on it and broke it to pieces. So you're left with a broken ornament. There is no one to demand repair, because they did not realize it. Furthermore, they are long gone now. So nothing left to do but to pick it up, patch it all up again or get a new one and resolve to never it let it drop again so carelessly. Because it is so costly to replace or repair, you better not let it drop again.

...

So what now?

Nothing.

Because the things in your heart, while its still in your heart, it is still valuable and safe. But once you let it out, then things are not yours to control anymore. Remember this quote,

" Love is like a game of cards, if they know what cards you're playing then they control how the game would end"

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'Azim

The magic button — Make Everything OK

2011-07-14T11:18:00.001+08:00

The magic button — Make Everything OK

This is truly something :)

The scarcity of a hero

2011-07-11T22:57:00.006+08:00

If anyone has been following the revelation of events in Malaysia then they'll hear about Bersih 2.0.

I don't know about you, but writing it like that "Bersih 2.0" makes me think of some kind of software. Or a detergent. Maybe the detergent thing is what the organizers aim for...

All of these events and the plethora of information from both sides could easily confuse anyone. There is always two sides of a story, everything could be interpreted to fit any emotion, to fit any aim.

So among all these shades of meaning, wherein lies the truth?

The answer would vary according to whom I ask, because their views are entirely unique and subjective. If I were to do a questionnaire about this and examine the reasons for their answer, the resulting data would be a nightmare of uncontrolled variables that would scare the living daylights of a statistician. Furthermore, all of them would give me information or tell the something that they have gone through themselves.

"They are really after their own gains"

"They misused their power"

"The election results were rigged!"

"They won't give you progress, they are just pining for a seat in Putrajaya"

"All of them are reckless, always disturbing the peace"

"We were not armed, we demonstrated in peace. Then suddenly they barge in and hit us with a tomato"

...or any variants of these.

Don't worry, I believe all of you. I believe that if each of you were to take a polygraph test, all would pass with flying colors. I believe that you wholeheartedly believe what you told me, and yes, you did not make that up. Everything is undiluted truth.

So whose side am I? Well, that would ruin the fun of guessing :p

However, what all of these made realize is that all of us are in dire need of a real hero. Someone with a clear mission that could not be misinterpreted or have multiple shades of meaning. In the olden days, the heroes are clear. They fight for a clear cause without any hope of getting any benefits from their battle. It is because what is right or wrong is clear cut. Plus, the ones actually shouldering the responsibilities of a leader are truly deserving of the title. They do not covet the title, they rather not bite more than they can chew because they know that they will be put to task and answer for everything that was under their influence and power.

Try doing a checklist of an ideal leader. Who fits all of these qualities now?

None!

I fear that we have arrived to a time when what is right and wrong has so blended together that you can't tell anymore which is which. To stay away from sin is almost impossible because no one can discriminate the truth from the "harmless white lies".

How to choose between two evils? I believe that neither side meant malice, they started with good enough intentions. But then things get out of hand, good intentions gets muddled with greed for personal gain or anything that wasn't supposed to mix together. Like they say,

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

So each side has their own valid arguments, they have their own grain of truth and their own skeletons in the closet. If we we choose to not side with anyone, that would just be irresponsible. However, is it permissible to hold judgment until they eradicate the contaminants to their cause?

I wonder, where are the ones who know better? Where are the ones who are strong enough to stand up and fight injustice? Where are all the scholars, the fighters, the orators, the builders? Are all of you shamed into silence?

Please, mend your weakness with a purging of the soul. Or at least, rekindle your desire for justice and truth. We are all in dire need of a hero and a clear cause to fight.

Can't you see, all are thirsty for a fight for justice? Go and make a demo everywhere. Or condemn the demo whenever the other other party does it. This thirst for standing up for your rights is a natural instinct. This is why everyone is so eager to make their stand, to make their opinions count. But if the opinions are based by structured lies by both parties to cloud over the eyes of their supporters, what is the use?

Right now, all I see is two mobs that simply want to fight. All they do is bicker, each saying that their cause is more holy. Too much drama. And of course the rest of the world would misunderstand.

I don't know about you, but I don't really trust people who talk too much and most of it just defending their stance. And I personally think "rakyat" is the most overused word for these past few years. I feel mocked. Maybe because I voted during the last elections, so what happens is kinda personal. What I want is for both sides to clean up their act and be serious for a change.

No more drama with endless episodes please!

*Hero by Nickelback playing in the background*

Saudade

2011-07-03T13:21:00.003+08:00

The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land - all things born of the soul that can only be felt.

~ Anthony De Sa, Barnacle Love

No fitting title.

2011-07-03T12:26:00.003+08:00

I really want to take a break from everyone, everything.

Preferably for two weeks I can wipe out my existence, and just go where I want to go, do what I want to do, feel what I want to feel.

At this point of time, there is always other people butting in, or using their power to stop me.

Let me go. I'm already miles away from here..

But the thing is, I can't. Or i won't. Same thing. I won't because I can't change the status quo or break free from the ties that hold me down. I am too responsible for that. And I am not that spontaneous.

*****************

I don't know if I can handle being "normal". Why they all think I want that, is beyond me.

I want to do so many things and I always thought I was meant for better things.

I always tell myself, "the world is my stage".

So whenever I see a dead end, I take a detour. Or make decisions that shake everyone expectations.

This is how I define normal: get a degree, find a decent job, get married, have kids. Then fall into a routine that goes like this: go to work each day to get as much as many as possible, then go home to spend that money, the next day repeat itself until we die.

But it looks like I am going to fall into this abyss of normality that I've always wanted to get away from. Kinda like a hamster on a wheel, working hard to get somewhere but in reality it is just trapped there in that beautiful cage.

haih...

oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Oh, I really got to go to the beach. It'll give me perspective.

Enough with the reasons, dear heart.

2011-06-21T17:16:00.003+08:00

At-Taubah, 9:40.

If you do not aid the Prophet - Allah has already aided him when those who disbelieved had driven him out [of Makkah] as one of two, when they were in the cave and he said to his companion, "Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us." And Allah sent down his tranquillity upon him and supported him with angels you did not see and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowest, while the word of Allah - that is the highest. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.

Kalau kamu tidak menolongnya (Nabi Muhammad) maka sesungguhnya Allah telahpun menolongnya, iaitu ketika kaum kafir (di Makkah) mengeluarkannya (dari negerinya Makkah) sedang ia salah seorang dari dua (sahabat) semasa mereka berlindung di dalam gua, ketika ia berkata kepada sahabatnya: "Janganlah engkau berdukacita, sesungguhnya Allah bersama kita". Maka Allah menurunkan semangat tenang tenteram kepada (Nabi Muhammad) dan menguatkannya dengan bantuan tentera (malaikat) yang kamu tidak melihatnya. Dan Allah menjadikan seruan (syirik) orang-orang kafir terkebawah (kalah dengan sehina-hinanya), dan Kalimah Allah (Islam) ialah yang tertinggi (selama-lamanya), kerana Allah Maha Kuasa, lagi Maha Bijaksana

Ali-Imran, 3:139.

So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.

Dan janganlah kamu merasa lemah (dalam perjuangan mempertahan dan menegakkan Islam), dan janganlah kamu berdukacita (terhadap apa yang akan menimpa kamu), padahal kamulah orang-orang yang tertinggi (mengatasi musuh dengan mencapai kemenangan) jika kamu orang-orang yang (sungguh-sungguh) beriman.

So set forth and be brave. The worse is nothing that you can imagine.

After all, you can't really just be stuck there, right?

Let's talk

2011-06-20T14:08:00.001+08:00

Talk (alternate version) ~Coldplay

Under the great north star
Try to work out where you are
In the silence of the sea
I don't know where I've been

In the future, in the past
Going nowhere much too fast
When I go there go with me
When I go there go with me

'Cause I don't know where I'm going but I wanna talk
I feel like I'm going where I've been before
And I wanna talk

Take a picture of
Something that you're not sure of
Bring it back to show me
But I don't know what I see

In the future, find a home
Getting nowhere on your own
Got to find your missing piece

'Cause you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk
You feel like you're going where you've been before
And nothing's really making any sense at all
You'll tell any one who'll listen that you feel ignored
Let's talk, let's talk
Do you wanna talk?

I'm up in the part of the throne
I'm trying to sing a song
In a language I don't speak
I try but I cant get through
I'm trying to get to you
But you're difficult to reach

Won't you talk to me....

So you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk
You feel like you're going where you've been before

Let's talk, let's talk ...
Let's talk, let's talk .

I have a need to talk to someone. This song is so fitting.
But as you very well know, spoken words do not come easy for me. I always say it wrong or I feel that what I want to convey don't get through. Or I would feel it inappropriate to tell and discuss about me when each person have bigger things in their mind. So many other things, and to take their time is a tad too much.
I hate becoming an inconvenience.
And so I am silent.
There is a lot in silence.
Silence is not empty, it is so filled with shadows of meaning that there is no space left for words.
But at this very moment, I wonder whether it is possible for another person to exist who would have the time and the desire to hear me out.
There is so many things that have to be talked over, thought over and acted upon.
I don't know...but I feel that these decisions are big and important to me. Maybe for others it is nothing and the decisions should be clear cut.
So I wonder why it keeps jamming my consciousness, making me fear the future. This should be easy. Just finish this thesis then go get a job. Simple.
Maybe it is not the decisions after all. Maybe its just the implications of my decisions is what is haunting me. The thought of standing and walking on my own two feet into the great unknown, alone navigating uncharted waters. It is exhilarating and daunting at the same time.
The time will finally come when I really have to take that step, out of what I already know and am beginning to have enough of. After that first step, a second step would follow and another until the end.
InsyaAllah, until the end.

Soul: Sold to the one who gives me light

2011-05-29T00:44:00.005+08:00

Out-worn heart, in a time out-worn,
Come clear of the nets of wrong and right;
Laugh heart again in the gray twilight,
Sigh, heart, again in the dew of the morn.

Your mother Eire is always young,
Dew ever shining and twilight gray;
Though hope fall from you and love decay,
Burning in fires of a slanderous tongue.

Come, heart, where hill is heaped upon hill:
For there the mystical brotherhood
Of sun and moon and hollow and wood
And river and stream work out their will;

And God stands winding His lonely horn,
And time and the world are ever in flight;
And love is less kind than the gray twilight,
And hope is less dear than the dew of the morn.

~Into the twilight, William Butler Yeats (1865-1935)

I don't know if I believe in chasing dreams anymore.
I wonder, if we are not chasing them, where would they go?
Do they just go on and on, until another destiny catches them and weave the dreams into that another person's reality?
Sometimes I feel that when ambition and success becomes the sole goal of a person, it will consume you whole. There will never be enough left for any other areas of your life. Its only a tricky trade for time. You can't do both: it is either this or that.
At this point of my life, ambition and success are both dirty words to my ears.
I hate them not because of the hard work associated with them but rather I am unsure if I want to be those kind of persons I see as successful and ambitious.
I just don't think it is in me to do those kind of sacrifices that these people do on a daily basis.
Making hard choices that is opposite from the heart will make you mechanical, almost robotic.
.
.
.
And right now, I feel trapped. It's like being at a crossroad where every road is very uninviting, dark and dreary. Like being in a jail, but the difference is I don't know who holds the key and why the hell I am stuck here.
Maybe it is me who trapped myself.
I admit, I have an intense desire to do the right thing, make the right choices, take the right path. But now everything doesn't feel right.
I don't really want to do anything right now, and these games are making me sick to the core.
Have anybody heard somewhere some people say, "if you don't know how high is the price you're paying, don't pay"?
Yeah, I wish I could. So wth am I supposed to do? Give them a rain check saying, "sorry, my innards ain't feeling so well, come ask me another question, another day will ya?"
That would literally blow their pants off and spark off another trail of drama that is tiring to the soul and chafes against the will. Nobody wants that. Beware, because then maybe your wings will be clipped and you can limp your way toward nothingness and mediocrity.
All situations, all choices have 50-50 chance of either making it through or crash and burn.
If the choices you make defines who you are, then what would this reflect on you?
I believe that God will not leave us, whatever our choices may be.
But a bad destiny can be, must be changed to a good destiny.
Like living in a place that rains once a year, but once it rains, it fills up a river. A bad destiny would be you be dead waiting for the next rainfall and changing this doom to a good destiny is by using your brains to trap the water by building a dam or putting it somewhere it won't dry off in rations that would last you a year.
See the difference?
Destinies can be changed. First you have to believe in God, then do something to rectify, then leave it to God again. Tawakal never stops, even when we are in the process of trying. We enter into our efforts fully aware of our inadequacy and the might of the Almighty that surpasses all things, even destiny.
So what am I going to do? I truly don't know. I haven't the slightest idea. I can't see the light yet.
But hey, as a consolation thought is this: we somehow always end up where we are supposed to be.
Maybe this is the path that was meant for me, and maybe it isn't.
I think I'm old enough for taking my chances with fate. If I am not here, then I'll definitely be over there.
In any case, I hope everything turn out alright ;)

This made me cry

2011-04-17T16:38:00.004+08:00

And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion. (Ath-thalaq, 65:3)

Sometimes when I feel alone and lost, subtle things happen to me to remind me that all is not lost.

I say subtle because if you're not careful, you'll miss the signs.

Being alone is never true, as there is always Allah with you. He is closer than your soul.

Nothing can beat that.

Nothing.

Life is a big game, so I'll see you when you get there

2011-04-17T13:27:00.004+08:00

My head is spinning around slowly, like its on a boat floating on soft waves.

This whole writing business really is... something.

It's kinda like your brain and body is separated. The brain always negotiating for something more, and the body reluctantly tags along.

Oh, well.

Gotta keep moving.

Only 14 days left!

Here are some quotes on persistence

Never think that God's delays are God's denials. Hold on; hold fast; hold out. Patience is genius. ~Georges-Louis Leclerc

Look at a stone cutter hammering away at his rock, perhaps a hundred times without as much as a crack showing in it. Yet at the hundred-and-first blow it will split in two, and I know it was not the last blow that did it, but all that had gone before. ~Jacob A. Riis

You don't start out writing good stuff. You start out writing crap and thinking it's good stuff, and then gradually you get better at it. That's why I say one of the most valuable traits is persistence. ~Octavia Butler

In this world, there is nothing softer or thinner than water. But to compel the hard and unyielding, it has no equal. That the weak overcomes the strong, that the hard gives way to the gentle -- this everyone knows. Yet no one asks accordingly. ~ Laozi (Lao Tzu, Lao Tse)

Perseverance is the hard work you do after you get tired of doing the hard work you already did. ~Newt Gingrich

And my personal favorite:

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing till it gets there. ~Josh Billings

Gotta keep moving, people!

I wonder where are you

2011-04-09T11:35:00.004+08:00

Oh you yellow leaves
that whirl upon the autumn slopes
if only for a moment
do not whirl down in such confusion,
that i may see where my beloved dwells.
~Kakinomoto no Hitomaro ( 8th century)

Beautiful poem. Nothing more, nothing less.

All these questioning and taking fate to task makes me afraid I'll slip.

I'll fall into the unforgivable sin of not being grateful to Allah.

Why this, why that.

All are dangerous questions.

The world keep revolving, going with such fast pace that sometimes it becomes a blur that surrounds me. Everything falls with such confusion that it becomes hard to focus.

Sometimes it is overwhelming.

One way is to expand your heart to receive all the sorrows, all the happiness, all the challenges that come your way. And be kind. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat up yourself too much: negative motivation is poison, not a cure.

Just do everything that you can do. Beyond that, leave it to Him.

Patience and being grateful is such a hard thing to do.

Trust me, I know.

Just a thought

2011-04-07T10:10:00.002+08:00

Yesterday, I watched New Moon on TV.

And I think I'd choose Jacob over Edward.

I'm just saying (disclaimer sbb takut kena marah dgn hardcore edwardians :p)

I'd prefer warmth over cold.

I'd pick light over dark.

I'd choose someone actually there than someone who ran away due to unfathomable reasons.

I don't know, I just think that it is quite stupid of Edward for leaving Bella alone unprotected. And he is torturing himself by being alone in Rome when they wanted so badly to be with each other.

Oh please, unwarranted sacrifices are not my thing, especially when it is me at stake.

Sorry but I don't think the centuries of age in Edward did anything for his maturity of mind (I'd thought he be more wise) as compared to the youth in Jacob.

But hey, the things that make up maturity like sensibility, reliability and thoughtfulness cannot be measured in numbers. And age is indeed just a number.

So there: I'd pick Jacob rather than Edward (but it is easy to make this decision as a bystander and not actually the one head over heels in love with a vampire).

I'm just saying...(another disclaimer, help! :p)

Verily, man is in loss

2011-04-05T11:07:00.002+08:00

If you love someone, do tell.

If you miss someone, do tell.

If you wonder where is that someone who once graced the lanes of your past, do tell.

Because they would never know.

You would be surprised at how much people miss out.

You think it's obvious enough but often it is not.

It is the same if you are hurt, do tell.

If you are sad, do tell.

If you are burdened, do tell.

Because again, people will never know.

I am thankful that there are still people that love me enough to let me know these things and ask me of these things. Even though sometimes our mistakes it is not something we want to hear, it is indeed what we need to hear.

People are never perfect all the time, we just have our shining moments sometimes.

So try to reflect everything that is said to you. Being defensive is only for guilty people.

Words like, "Biarlah!" or "Suka hati lah!" or "Sibuk je!" or "Tau dah la!" are all different versions of the incurable ego defending itself.

Of course, we know the difference between right and wrong but we are forgetful beings. So pry open your heart and be patient a little for the advises coming your way. Not all are good advises but you have to sieve through everything. That is the least you can do.

As for the people giving advise, please do not falter from the effort. InsyaAllah, it'll get through. Someday.

Just remember this:

By time,
Verily, man is in loss,
Except those who believe and do righteous deeds and exhort one another to Truth and exhort one another to patience.
~Al Asr, Quran

So if we don't be there for each other, isn't that a sure recipe for disaster?

Holding a grudge will shorten your life

2011-03-25T15:58:00.003+08:00

In 1878, railroad millionaire Charles Crocker decided to buy up the lots surrounding his mansion on San Francisco’s Nob Hill to improve his view of the surrounding vistas. He reached agreements with all the neighbors except for German undertaker Nicholas Yung, who refused to sell.
“I would have been happier than a condor in the sky,” Crocker wrote, “except for that crazy undertaker.”
His solution was pure spite: He built a 40-foot fence around Yung’s cottage on three sides, spoiling his view in hopes that he would sell. The fence can be seen behind the central mansion in this photo; only the chimneys of Yung’s house project above it.
“How gloomy our house became, how sad,” Yung’s daughter later wrote. “All we could see out our windows was the blank wood of the rich man’s fury. … The flowers in the garden all died, and our lawn turned brown, while inside the house everything felt perpetually damp.”
Yung held out nonetheless — according to some reports he mounted a 10-foot coffin atop the wall facing Crocker’s house — and the two maintained a senseless deadlock for years. Yung died in 1880 and Crocker in 1888; only then, when the mansion was sold to a new owner, did Yung’s heirs relent and sell their lot.

I found this on http://www.futilitycloset.com/

It is sad how foolish people with grudges become.

It is ugly that grown up people behave like angry six year olds.

So, to take heed of the lessons of this tale, we have to choose our battles and don't get worked up on things that are not really that big anyway. The clouded mind has a tendency of blowing everything out of proportion. One thing will lead to another and the toxic cycle will go on, and on and on and on until one of the proponents die.

It really ain't that big of a deal!

Patience is the key.

(Please remind me this the next time I blow my head off unnecessarily)

The challenge in words

2011-03-21T00:27:00.005+08:00

I pulled out the post before this.

I've considered the possible effects and decided that I'd rather not deal with the everlasting consequences of a sudden outburst.

Patience, as always, will always come with a price.

The price is almost always endurance and more patience.

This patience-endurance cycle will never end, until the event resolves and disappear into the wind, as if it was never there before.

As patience is almost always associated with hurt, then there is no use of remembering the hurt once it had resolved.

It'll just add to the general disarray of ourselves.

It is fortunate that we can retract the things we write, but the effects of what we say, what we write cannot be undone. It is a permanent thing, forever etched in time and only failing memory can erode its presence.

But recent events at home and at work make me realize that sometimes when going about our daily lives and just being the generally foolish beings that we are, we tend to step on other's toes and trample on the hearts of others without knowing.

If you know the effects of what you are saying, then all of these won't apply to you because there is really no excuse for being mean and bitchy.

But it is true that sometimes we just don't realize how much we hurt with our words and actions. And these unintended blows to the heart will hurt just as bad and it doesn't subside even with the feeble acts of rationalization of the accidental attacker and the one accidentally attacked.

(remember these lines running through head? "easy, he/she doesn't mean it"or "oh no, I just hit a raw nerve. Maybe I'll just pretend I am innocent and he/she will forgive me without me actually asking for forgiveness" or "he/she don't know what he/she is talking about" or even "Oops")

Do you get me? It's kinda hard to get across.

Simply, we sometimes unknowingly hit a raw nerve with people and that causes trouble.

I think this is the reason why we have to seek forgiveness every time we part and leave amicably.

This is because even a passing comment could be interpreted a million ways. People will always over analyse and often this leads to the wrong conclusion that in turn would turn into a festering problem. To imagine the severity of the situation of this in graphic terms is to imagine the effect of a single microscopic wound on a diabetic foot. If left unattended, it'll cause gangrene and make the whole limb rot until eventually it would have to be amputated. If you're lucky that is, because if you're one of the unlucky ones then the infected sores would seep into the blood and cause septicemia that could be fatal.

It is that serious.

However, to integrate this practice of asking for forgiveness every time we want to part is odd and it would feel awkward. I tried it before and got very embarrassed. The shame became more unbearable because some people just won't let an easy apology go, they need an explanation for it.

And of course you know the pain and shame of having to explain yourself. It is like telling a joke nobody gets, you just fall flat on the face only this time it is worse because you're not defending a bad joke but rather defending yourself.

...Haih, I'm now wishing for a world where "sorry", "I love you" and all the hard phrases comes easy. Maybe we'll have fewer wars. Maybe.

Again, I wish for a world where people just understand what other people mean to say, without having to actually say it. Life, I think, would be much simpler.

But, for all that is worth my dear family and friends:

I am sorry and I love you

Each and every time, of course. Forever, insyaAllah.

(p/s: I am mildly disappointed with myself if all of you don't know this already).

Memberi alasan dan pujukan pada jiwa

2011-03-13T13:08:00.005+08:00

Bagaimana kalau semuanya terjadi cuma dengan pengharapan?

Betapa besarnya harapan kita pada sesuatu, begitulah jua keinginan kita terhadap sesuatu.

Kalaulah semua maksud tercapai asalkan punya harapan yang kuat, dunia apakah yang akan kita dapat nanti?

Kau dan kau patut mendapatkannya semata-mata kerana kau lebih mengharapkannya. Kau pula tidak mendapatnya kerana kau kurang usaha, kau kurang harapan untuk mendapatkannya.

...

Kalau beginilah jalan dunia, yang berjaya cumalah mereka yang benar-benar berusaha untuk kejayaan itu dan bukan orang-orang opurtunis yang licik mencari peluang.

Kalau ini cara terbaik, yang tertindas akan menang dan yang berdosa akan kesusahan.

Kalau inilah cara yang sepatutnya, orang-orang yang benar-benar layak menjadi ibu bapa akan dikurniakan anak dan bukan orang-orang yang cuma akan membuang anak kandungan ditepi jalan. Atau lagi orang-orang yang bahagia dalam cinta cumalah orang-orang yang tidak akan mensia-siakan cintanya dan bukan orang-orang buta yang tak reti mensyukuri nikmat didepan mata.

...

Apa yang kita diajarkan selama ini: yang baik itu yang bahagia, yang tua itu yang dahulu atau yang berusaha itu yang akan mendapatkan...cumalah perkara-perkara yang benar dalam kehidupan utopia.

Dunia ini bukan tempat untuk mendapatkan keadilan, bukan tempat menemukan kesenangan dan pasti bukan tempat untuk menikmati kerehatan. Dinamik dunia tidak menurut ideal.

Dunia inikan secara hakikatnya adalah ujian. Semuanya nanti untuk mendapatkan keputusan kemana kau nanti di Titian Sirat.

Satu-satu dikira, tidak mungkin tertinggal. Dalam ini sahaja ditemukan keadilan kerana diputuskan Yang Maha Adil.

Bagaimana aku waktu itu? Bagaimana pula engkau? Entah.

Memang hati sakit melihat ketidakadilan berleluasa menurut timbangan insan.

Tapi boleh buat apa selain berdoa untuk diberi lebih kesabaran dan rahmat untuk menikmati apa yang didambakan?

Segalanya dalam rancanganNya. Kita memang cepat melatah, semacam Nabi Musa a.s bila diuji hikmat Nabi Khidir a.s.

Zahirnya memang tidak adil dan salah. Tapi apabila waktunya semua diterangkan maksud, bukankah keinsafan timbul kerana terlalu ikutkan kejahilan diri?

Keadilan itu pasti ada, cuma relativiti masa itu memang menggugat kesabaran.

Tidak mengapa, Allah kan ada.

Andainya memang milik kita, tiada siapa lagi yang boleh dan sanggup menidakkannya.

Sekarang cuma tinggal untuk berdoa dan letak pengharapan padaNya, agar harapan kita sama dengan apa yang menjadi rezeki kita pada akhirnya.

InsyaAllah

I gotta get thru this

2011-03-08T13:21:00.002+08:00

I am dedicating this song to my thesis.

Give me just a second and I'll be all right

Surely one more moment couldn't break my heart

Give me 'til tomorrow then I'll be okay

Just another day and then I'll hold you tight

When your love is pouring like the rain

I close my eyes and its gone again

Will I get the chance to say I love you

I pretend that you're already mine

and my heart ain't breaking every time

I look into your eyes

...oh, thesis

Gentle reminder to those who forget

2011-03-06T20:44:00.003+08:00

A reminder for self:

~ Gratitude comes hand in hand with patience. One cannot do without the other. As you are grateful for what you have, you also have to be patient for what you don't have.

~ Memories won't make themselves. You have to make it a point to create them day by day.

~ Over-analysis would lead you to the wrong conclusions. Voice out and resolve whatever is burning in your heart.

~ Love responsibly and be brave. Weakness will make you lose it.

~ Let go of the little things. Move on.

I hope to remember these most of the time, although I know it's beyond me to remember it all of the time...

Love responsibly

2011-03-05T15:55:00.003+08:00

There are different wells within your heart.
Some fill with each good rain,
Others are far too deep for that.
In one well
You have just a few precious cups of water,
That “love” is literally something of yourself,
It can grow as slow as a diamond
If it is lost.

Your love
Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,
Only to someone
Who has the valor and daring
To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife
Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.
~Hafez, a persian poet

I stumbled on this at Paulo Coelho's blog.

It's an old poem I guess, from a poet long gone.

Funny how the questions of the heart never gets answered even after human's centuries of searching. This is why the poem still resonates with me now. The core problems of the world like love, greed, fairness: has never been resolved.

But let's leave that at that.

About the poem, it's certainly a good and sound advice for those on the trying journey in search of meaning and love. Love should be a responsible thing I think.

We should consider those whom we give our hearts, never give it out recklessly. You'll regret it if you don't treat your heart responsibly, because you'll never get that piece back. What's already been given cannot be taken back, it could only be replaced with another piece. Like a memory, it is fixed and not interchangeable with circumstances.

What is, is.

The situation is not unlike the honeybee: it dies after it stings, did you know that? So that honeybee should seriously consider what it chooses to sting, or it's death would be for nothing. That is sad, because the sacrifice is too great to be spent on mediocre things.

So what I am trying to say to you and remind myself is: consider carefully those whom you open and give your heart. Take responsibility for your own heart and embrace the consequences.

Lemonade life

2011-03-03T08:52:00.004+08:00

He had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once ~Neil Gaiman

Since I've made my two resolutions for my birthday (1. to be more grateful and patient 2. to be more open hearted), it seems like the whole world has ganged up on me to solely make me fail.

So many things, until the insignificance of me, how helpless I am in the chain of events that unfold become so clear to me. Feeling small in a big bad world.

But it doesn't matter. I tell myself that each and every time a thought or event that threaten the heart comes. Love, Life, Career..everything. But at least the future holds promise, of what I don't know. I just have this unending hope that it will all be better. It is just something we all have to wade through, right? The tribulations of life is what you signed up for when you agreed to this existence. You are your choices, you are your dreams: all these motto sometimes don't make sense and sometimes they make perfect sense. A paradox of sorts.

But you can't say you haven't been warned:

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near

Adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum sampai kepada kamu (ujian dan cubaan) seperti yang telah berlaku kepada orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada kamu? Mereka telah ditimpa kepapaan (kemusnahan harta benda) dan serangan penyakit, serta digoncangkan (oleh ancaman bahaya musuh), sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman yang ada besertanya: "Bilakah (datangnya) pertolongan Allah?" Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat (asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada agama Allah)

~al-Baqarah, 214

And another thing to slowly bring us to acceptance and the desire to face everything head on:

Ya Allah,
saya mengadukan kepada-Mu lemahnya kekuatan diriku,
sangat terbatasnya kecerdasanku dan kehinaan diriku atas manusia,
dengan rahmat Engkau, Ya Allah,
Tuhan pemelihara sekalian alam.
Engkaulah pemelihara sekalian orang-orang dhaif,
Engkaulah Tuhanku.
Kepada siapakah Engkau menyerahkan aku?
Kepada orang asing yang mengusir aku,
Atau kepada musuh yang menguasai urusanku?
Tetapi meskipun demikian saya redha,
Asal saja Engkau tidak memurkai aku.
Kemaafan-Mu lebih besar dari dosaku,
Saya meminta dengan Nur Zat-Mu yang menerangi semua kegelapan,
Dan dengan-Nya menjadi baik segala urusan dunia dan akhirat,
Semoga aku tidak tertimpa kemurkaan-Mu dan azab-Mu.
Bagimu sumber keredhaan,
Sehingga Engkau meredhai aku.
Tidak ada daya dan kekuatan hanya dengan Engkau

Someone once said that if life give you lemons, make lemonade. We just have to make the best with the bare minimum that we have I guess.

As always, la haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

Refrain from the guessing game

2011-02-28T11:37:00.003+08:00

I notice nowadays my heart feels like jelly again.

And I also notice that emotions sometimes have a physical effect. Like when you're angry, the anger wells up like a burning fire in your heart. Or like when you're sad and the throat constricts so much that it is difficult to breathe and speak.

Words too have the same effect.

Like hearing a bad news, the persons affected shoulder's involuntarily slump and the back bent as if bearing a great burden. They are only carrying their hearts you know, in sadness it becomes too heavy that the body cannot take it. Or when you're sparring with the ones around you, the words cut like a knife. Suddenly the atmosphere that was heated before becomes an icy silence. And all you wish for is to go to another place where you're free of all these things that tie you down.

But it is not only for the sad emotions, the happy ones have physical effects too.

Like when you're silently happy and content your face will glow and the cheeks become rosy. Or when you're ecstatic the hearts feels like its gonna leap out and tell the world why it is so happy about.

It's all part of your body language I suppose. The body can never lie. As the eye is the window to your soul, the rest of your body is also testament to your true intentions, your true emotions.

No wonder when we are judged in the hereafter, the mouth is kept shut. There is really no need for its lame reasons and rationalizations as the rest of our being would be a far honest witness with no underlying agenda.

However, keep this truth just as a reminder. Not as an ammo for judging people. You could never decipher the signs and decode the message of their intentions as we are weak and have no knowledge of the soul of others. Believe me, all the guesswork will just make you bitter. You're better off asking them the answers to your whys. Miscommunication is almost always the cause of our wars anyway.

Don't weigh down the little things

2011-02-05T19:39:00.007+08:00

Alert! [another stressed out entry]

Our sense of justice sometimes would cause us pain.

Our sense of right and wrong, without flexibility would hurt us like a thorn in the heart.

In the beginning the wound seems small and that we can ignore it by burying it in the far corners of our mind, hoping someday it will be erased and forgotten in time.

However, it often doesn't work that way. The thorn instead become diseased, full with pus and will poison our whole being. The only way through this is to expand your heart and be like the ocean. A drop of poison won't make a difference in the ocean but it would be deadly in a little pool of water.

I feel that in times of crisis, our sense of justice and eye for detail would be super sensitive. Little insignificant things become massive and if it doesn't go the way we want it to, then we would feel wronged and hurt. In short, we all become supersensitive. But only to our own self, absorbed in our own hurt. We instead of being aware of our surroundings, we become numb to others and wallowing in our sorrow.

Sometimes we want to be brave, and we keep it all bottled inside instead of accepting it and this often causes us to feed the volcano in us, that burn more with each feeling of injustice. One day, it will all burst and destroy everything in its wrath.

So imagine, if every single thing you let touch your heart as if people are going out of their way just to step on your feet, then your heart is not even like a pool of water, but rather like a puddle. I want to be like the ocean because I detest those who are more like puddles. This is one of the main reasons why one of my birthday resolutions is to have an open heart: lebih berjiwa besar. Little things shouldn't have a big effect on you. Why weigh down your heart and mind over little insignificant things right? Better we invest all that energy into something more useful than negativity.

In difficult and challenging times, people are tired. Everyone is trying hard to be strong, so sometimes in our frail efforts of doing it right we do it wrong without even realizing it. So careful of not messing it up in one area, we mess up other areas. Each time without intent.

I know I hurt you many times, but none was on purpose. Words vomited out in moments of impatience and temper was followed immediately by regret. Maybe it is too much to ask you to understand, because you have too much on your mind too.

Compassion is not easy to come by, and I know it is not fair of me to demand it.

A simple "sorry" just won't do.

Haih...

As I said before, sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this.

Dreaming out loud

2011-02-02T20:33:00.004+08:00

I am at the hospital now, vigilantly hoping for the best.

Sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this.

I don't know what I am doing most of the time and each time it turns out the way it did was entirely by divine intervention.

During these times, the insignificance of our efforts is a stark contrast to the finality of destiny. But destiny is not a fixed thing you know, it could be easily changed with a powerful kun fayakun by Allah the Almighty.

It'd be good, to have someone that wants to hear your stories for the day. And then rest your shoulders together at the end of the story because each other is the only source of comfort.

It would be different, I think.

I am unsure, but I sure hope so.

I think it is unfair that you give me just a glimpse of that world I've never known but hope to be in. I thought I saw you during that isolated moment in time, but that may very well be just a figment of my imagination. Just me dreaming out loud.

But let that be in the incessant anticipation of the ever changing future.

For now, the world would go on as it should be.

Because in the end, everything would be as it should be.

A rainbow glints through the rain

2011-01-30T01:49:00.006+08:00

An actual picture taken of the road that lead to the end of the rainbow. If you look closely, there is not one but two rainbows! I wonder, would there be extra bags of gold there? Whatever waits for us at the end, at least we know a good place to start ;)

26th January passed and I am now 27!

Whoa.

I remember that when I was a little girl, I thought 18 is already an adult and I can never picture myself being more than 25. But now here I am, already hitting 27.

This year's birthday is very special. From the moment the clock struck 12 and 26th Jan comes, it was special. My sis made a beautiful card, all my family members wrote wonderful messages on it, we had pizza and also lots and lots of ice cream! (the ice cream is of course my birthday "cake", because our family don't really love cake as much as we love ice cream haha).

I received many well wishers who sent smses and messages on facebook, heard many renditions of the good ol' birthday song (I even got versions in Dangdut and also Indian tempo version) and my dear labmates even arranged for a surprise birthday cake!

All these made me feel...dare I say it? All of these made me feel...loved (ah, I said it!).

It has been kinda challenging lately and i feel it was a gift that the day turn out to be so special.

And it was the greatest feeling in the world :)

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on

2011-01-24T15:45:00.008+08:00

As contrary as what you may believe, words for me are hard to come by. Especially spoken words. I like to think I'm better at expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing but it is still not enough. An air of mystery that sometime shrouds these words are not entirely by choice.

I am now at home, I'm not feeling very well so I excused myself from the lab today. There is actually a mischievously restful feeling when you're at home while everybody else has to go to work (haha, sorry, can't help it. I know some of you will be jealous that I'm escaping the Monday Blues for today). I'm essentially giving myself a break.

There is something in my heart and mind that I can't let go of. Like a cup filled to the brim, threatening to spill over. The past three days I haven't given my thesis the attention it needs. Only today I forced myself to write. But I've always been a firm believer of preparing the soul (or in this case stabilize my psyche to focus) before commencing work.

Just a little clue of what weighs in my heart is that my Ayah is not well. He has always been strong, even during these trying times. But I am afraid if I'm going to be a failure.

A snippet of a conversation I had the other day still ring in my ear, in more or less the same words:

"Dia selalu cakap tak tau sempat ke tak..."

"Sekurang-kurangnya kena hantar 1st draf la kan?"

"A'ah.."

...only with Allah strength can I go through all this and submit my 1st draft. Then it would somehow give him hope and with hope, comes strength. Sempat, insyaAllah. Sempat.

Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone[Official Videoclip]
Uploaded by bRu7-eXeC. - Explore more music videos.

This song Never Gonna Be Alone from Nickelback feels so close to me. And the video makes me cry. But unlike the girl inside the video, I still have Ayah. And I still have my family with me. I am jealous of my time and I feel that every moment that is either not spent with them or spent on making my thesis a reality is like a thief that I want to strike for wasting my precious moments. Those two are tied, you see. I can only go on once I put all the burden of this thesis behind me.

As always,

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Adzim

Time relativity

2011-01-22T18:06:00.003+08:00

A night full of talking that hurts,

my worst held-back secrets. Everything

has to do with loving and not loving.

This night will pass.

Then we have work to do.

~Rumi

The day will come when I hit 27.

Just around the corner, ever patient in waiting its turn.

Then the questions will come:

Bila nak habis blaja ni?

Bila nak ada bf?

Bila nak itu, bila nak ini.

Entah. Jawapan universal untuk semua soalan susah.

But, I am ever praying and waiting. You ask because for you it seems so long. Tell me, what do you think I feel?

To this,

I say La haula wala quwwata illa billah

... with a bright smile of course, because faith is illogical but powerful all at the same time :)

p/s: the pic above is the view from the old faculty in Shah Alam at dusk

Everything is clear in the morning light

2011-01-21T08:50:00.005+08:00

Today I'm wearing bright colors, and with a hot pink sweater to top it all off.

This morning I made the decision to go on a picnic by myself because the sky is too beautiful not to bask in its glory. You can see for yourself in the pic up there. Brilliant right? God is after all the greatest artist.

So I brought a mcD breakfast with hot tea and sat on a bench in front of the faculty. So there I was, enjoying my breakfast while observing commuters rushing by, eager to go to work (at least that is what I hope). The Puncak Alam campus is really beautiful, especially in the mornings. Its like going on a vacation to Cameron Highlands or someplace like that where the only time it is interesting there is when the rays of the sun breaks through the cold clouds to shine forth in defiance of the gloom carried by the clouds.

I'm not particularly happy inside, in fact I feel I'm stressed out with the drama all around me.

So as a kind of defense mechanism that holds logic only to me, I'm surrounding myself with happy things a refusal to get sucked into the abyss of depression.

So is this all working?

I suppose so.

In the end, la haula wala quwwata illa billah ;)

Pseudo lyrics

2011-01-06T12:33:00.002+08:00

I was driving in my car when I sang along to a song in the radio.

It was Shontelle's Impossible.

It is actually a song for the frustrated in love, conceding defeat in love due to misplaced hopes and impossible illusions.

And there I was, singing my heart out with such feelings that you'll start to think, "hey, is she singing about herself?"

But then, after the words:

Falling out of love is hard
Falling for betrayal is worst

I stopped.

Why?

Because I sang:

Falling out of love is hard
Falling out a trailer's worse

Hahahahaha

But seriously I think my version has more truth in it,

Falling off a trailer is definitely worse, especially when you are not a trained stunt man/woman!

Futile angst

2011-01-04T04:12:00.003+08:00

It's 4.14 am now. I've just finished making the outline for my progress report scheduled this Wednesday. I really need to brush up my Matrix-style bullet dodging skills as I anticipate that it's going to be a tough presentation.

The "weather" has not been very good these days you know. Nevertheless, this is a lame excuse to be discouraged. Let em soak in their blue world alone, no need to get sucked in it too. I have work to do.

However, 2011 opened with celebration :)

I went with my cousins, my sis and her husband to PD for a beach holiday. It was God-sent, because only He knows how much I needed the break. It shed light on different perspectives of thought. Remember the last time I told you that there's something in my mind? Now I am convinced that it was really just me needing strength for conviction that decisions are mine but fate is divine.

That is why I love the sea so much. Maybe it is something in the soft breeze, brave waters and wide horizons that makes everything so different.

Ok, enough about me.

I stumbled on this interesting article> Angry at God? If so you are not alone

What do you think?

Particularly, this paragraph:

Some people see God as ultimately responsible for such events, and they become angry when they see God's intentions as cruel or uncaring. They might think that God abandoned, betrayed, or mistreated them

Interesting.

God is such a convenient outlet for some people. No one to blame, so blame it on God. Somehow, the self is released from any responsibility of life and whatever happens is of course, God's fault.

Such simplistic thinking.

Let's go through this step by careful step.

Firstly, establish the fact that Allah is the All-Encompassing. He is the Provider for everything, from Him all things come and to Him everything returns. Nothing is ever ours, even your soul is on loan. If it is yours, then you'll have some degree of command over it like controlling when you live or die. But of course you don't.

Secondly, that Allah will do whatever He wants. If He wants it to be a certain way, there is nothing that can change or stop it. If it is meant that you are to have something there is no one that can make it otherwise and vice versa.

Ok, tell me, is that enough?

So, if we just stop there is the definition of who Allah is to us, then surely there is truly no one is to blame except Allah. You have nothing, nothing you do is ever independent from the will of Allah. So how can you ever be held responsible for anything? It was never your will or intention to be what you are. Shoving the responsibility to live aside and all the burden of the impact of your choices placed on another, one has to wonder why are we created at all if just to be empty puppets in a grand comedy show?

No wonder you feel angry at God for dealing you such a lousy card in this game of life. You feel that because Allah has the power over all things, He is deliberately holding back from giving you what you feel you deserve. In your mind, you have done everything and there is absolutely no reason, except that God hates you, that you can't have your way.

Easy losing focus on life that way. No purpose or reason left if whatever we try in this lifetime is controlled by a mean higher power.

However, having faith is not to drive you out from a life of purpose. Being religious is not based on blind faith or just steadfastly holding on the positive side of religious life, we are not wired to function that way.

There must be more to this. That can't be all. This existence can't all be a joke, right?

Another crucial aspect that we have to remember is that Allah does everything with hikmah, with wisdom.

[And] who created seven heavens in layers. You do not see in the creation of the Most Merciful any inconsistency. So return [your] vision [to the sky]; do you see any breaks? 67:3

Everything has its turn, its orbit where it moves so that nothing ever clashes into the other. A change something will drive an adjustment from something else. An event is never solitary, it always occur in chains of reasons so intricate that our minds can't begin to comprehend even the most simple of associations. A cascade of events that fall from a defining moment or any moment for that matter will never be in vain or happened "just-because".

Allah does not rule like the iron fist of dictatorship where everything is set in stone and unyielding to those who need mercy. Everything has its sequence, remember? And we can always ask from Him for our heart's desire. It is just that you have to remember that Allah owes you nothing. It is you who are indebted, so aren't you ashamed demanding more from whom you owe so much?

It is a blessing that Allah is not like us humans. We tire of people who are always begging for things, hates people who are ungrateful and detest neediness. But we are his weak subjects and He wants us to ask from Him. He is, after all, the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful.

So cease being angry. It gets you nowhere worthwhile. You're better off being close to Him to get you through whatever you are going through.

That is, after all, the only way.

Red race

2010-12-19T17:46:00.004+08:00

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
~As said by the Red Queen in Alice in Wonderland (Lewis Carroll)

I'm now in the lab on a beautiful Sunday, doing a total of 600 PCR reactions since yesterday. Plus, next week my supervisors want to meet all the students for progress report.

Aiyo.I'm kinda worried, because although I think that I've done quite a lot, it is not as much as I would like it to be. There is a dire need for speed here. I'm feeling like I'm running until I'm red in the face on the treadmill but I'm not getting anywhere near to what I want.

But, if I slow down then the treadmill will still go on and make me trip and fall off the race with a bleeding head and a bruised ego to boot. So there is never really an option of slowing down. I'm not keen on taking the option either even if it exist.

Ok, the thesis aside, I have some hard questions that keep nagging at the back of my head. One time I thought I'm over it but then something happened and voila! I'm stuck with my hard questions again. However, the questions and threads of thought are currently tangled up together like an impossible knot. At first glance, there is no hope of unraveling them but in time I'll sort them out.

For now, let's just focus on this thesis.

My state of mind through the words of others

2010-12-09T22:57:00.006+08:00

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart
~ E.E Cummings (1894-1962)

If you are going through hell, keep going
~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis
~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Sometimes it is not enough to do our best; we must do what is required
~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to stay in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!
~ Lewis Carroll

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)
~ Lewis Carroll

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - too busy disorder.
~ Ellen DeGeneres

Write drunk; edit sober
~ Hemingway

If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut
~ Albert Einstein

Without haste, but without rest
~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am tired. My arm aches. My head boils. My feet are cold. But I am not aware of any weakness.
~ Zane Grey

If what you have done yesterday still looks big to you, you haven't done much today
~ Mikhail Gorbachev

Develop a built-in bullshit detector
~ Ernest Hemingway

No person has the right to rain on your dreams
~ Marian Edelman

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure
~ Calvin and Hobbes

Oh, and to finish this off:

Welcome to Grad School everyone! :p

Seeking solace

2010-12-07T01:35:00.004+08:00

Love dogs

One night a man was crying Allah. Allah.
His lips grew sweet with the praising,
until a cynic said, "So. I have heard you calling out,
but have you ever gotten any response?"

The man had no answer for that.
He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep
where he dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,
in a thick green foliage.

"Why did you stop praising?"
"Because I've never heard anything back."

This longing you express
is the return message.
The grief you cry out from
draws you toward union.
Your pure sadness that wants help
is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.
That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs no one knows the names of.
Give your life to be one of them.
~Rumi

Sometimes your own words might not be enough. But without the articulation of your thoughts into words, it weighs heavily in the heart. Threatening to overflow like a burst dam, no longer sufficient to hold what's inside.

Silence can only contain so much, at some point of time it has to be broken so new things could be filled into the empty space. Seeking solace in the words of others to understand your own hell, it provides an outlet that is completely necessary. It gives the questions a break from needing answers.

Isn't that a good enough reason?

And the rest is like whatever

2010-11-10T10:27:00.005+08:00

Lyrics | Train lyrics - If It's Love lyrics

The people closest to me will know that I laugh easily at the most simple things. I don't know, maybe my kind of dry humor works readily in any situation. Maybe it is a kind of self defense mechanism. Personally I think it is quite a gift to see the lighter side of everything. It takes a load off your shoulders and helps elevate our spirits to see a different perspective to an otherwise gloomy situation.

However, most of them don't get it. They're like, "why is that so funny?" and most of the time I have a secret fear that when I explain to them why it seems funny to me, they'll think I'm weird or just plain crazy. Some that do, we're like kindred spirits! Put in this dreary world with a different set of spectacles to view the world with. Because some just don't get it.

But I do. And my friends do too. It's either they get it or they just let it slip and accept me as the original person that I am haha.

Like in the song, we're two birds of a feather. And the rest just doesn't matter ;)

p/s: My friends and I have just done something very exciting. We've bought tickets to Krabi! It is for next year, but hey, we have committed ourselves to this holiday thing which I hope will blossom to reality and act as a catalyst for making us globetrotters :D

A sprint to the end

2010-11-09T15:13:00.003+08:00

One of my old friends have said that my blog always tell sad stories. Ok, maybe not sad all the time but happy posts are very rare in between.

Now, I think we're not friends anymore. I wonder why these things happen. Oh well, life goes on.

However, it is true that my urges to write always come when I have something burning in my chest that I have to let out or just a random thought or perspectives that I like to share.

When happy moments come, usually going to the computer to blog about it would be farthest in my mind ;)

So lately so much has happened. I'm at the writing stage now for my thesis, although there are some additional labwork left. But the bulk of it is already completed. Alhamdulillah.

BUT, writing is hard! huhu, especially with someone like me who hardly have any resistance at all when temptation/ distraction knocks. I suspect that even my SV knows this because she quarantined those who are supposed to be writing their thesis in an isolation room. She can only do so much, the rest is entirely up to me.

And that is exactly what scares me. Having someone else to blame would definitely lessen the pressure and expectations but sadly, there is none. Dr (Phd) is not a joint title, you know. So like it or not, I have to pull through.

InsyaAllah it'll be ok. No doubt about that.

But for now, the thing to do is FOCUS!

The torment of want

2010-10-27T20:58:00.004+08:00

Pity me that the heart is slow to learn,
What the swift mind beholds at every turn
~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Haven't you come across a time when you wish that you can have control over what your heart wants? It frustrates me when the heart goes by itself, wanting many thing that it wasn't supposed to want in the first place. And of course the head goes haywire; trying all sorts of sound reasoning to convince the heart to budge, shouting through the deafening silence in the mind "Hey, you're not supposed to want that! It is wrong/somebody else's/impossible."

But the heart never listens.

So the cycle goes on: the heart never stops wanting and the mind never stops analyzing.

And the body continues to endure. Taking blow by blow, until it numbs. Indifferent to the opposite tugging of the heart and the pull of the mind.

As I always say: we should never ask for things that people cannot give. So what I resort to is to ask from a higher source; one that could provide me with everything that I can possibly ask for.

Often words are inadequate, but that don't matter. He is after all, the All Knowing. Resolution for both the heart and mind will be revealed in time, either now or whenever it is right to finally have it. Or to have something else in its place. I don't know. It is weird how faith works.

But for now it is enough to know that we could draw strength from this helplessness by surrendering everything and taking each step of the way with care, whispering silent prayers within our hearts and minds. Believing wholeheartedly that the answers are somewhere up ahead. Somehow, we will arrive there eventually.

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Azim

Secret

2010-10-15T14:14:00.002+08:00

I tell everything, but I do not say it,

because, my friend, it is better

your secret be spoken by you.

~Rumi

Hujan bulan Juni

2010-10-14T17:18:00.006+08:00

Hujan di Bulan Juni

Tak ada yang lebih tabah
Dari hujan bulan juni
Dirahsiakannya rintik rindunya
Kepada pohon berbunga itu

Tak ada yang lebih bijak
Dari hujan bulan juni
Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya
Yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

Tak ada yang lebih arif
Dari hujan bulan juni
Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan
Diserap akar pohon bunga itu

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

Jangan diuji hati sendiri. Kau jua yang tahu apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh kau tahankan.

A chance meeting

2010-10-10T00:07:00.003+08:00

Smile at a stranger. See what happens.
~Patti LuPone

When you travel routinely long distances then the odds of you experiencing new things gets higher. I'm cool with that, in fact I welcome it. It is good to have something now and then that challenges your day to day routines and shake your streams of thought.

Today I was on a flight back home from Kelantan (I go there all the time for sampling and data collection for my thesis) and was lining up to board the flight. As I was walking, I noticed the airline officer helping a foreign-looking mother to store her baby stroller. It can't be brought up as a hand luggage, you see. But the officer was very helpful and I can see that she was very thankful.

When I got to my aisle seat, I sat down straight away as I was feeling nauseous. The airport was full of people wanting to send their relatives to go perform Hajj so it was quite crowded and difficult to breathe. Add that to the fact that the plane hasn't started the air conditioning yet, so I was feeling a bit hazy. Then a voice said, "I'm in 7A" and I look up to see the mother smiling at me with a baby in her arms. "Oh, ok" I said as I stumbled out of my seat to give way for her to pass. It was quite difficult for her because she was carrying a backpack and a shoulder bag together with her baby boy. But she managed, as only a mother can :)

After she settled down the stewardess came to give her a slip for the stored stroller, and I said, "It's for the stroller". She only smiled and nodded. Encouraged, I asked more, "So where do you come from?" and so begins another friendship forged up in among the clouds.

I found out she's from Hungary and she's here to visit her in-laws as her husband is a Kelantanese. She wants to be a teacher and can speak Japanese. I also found out she used to be a travel agent. Haha, a nice surprise eh? These coincidences only fuels up my desire to make the Eurotrip a reality. Then after that, maybe a trip to travel the middle east. And then trekking all over Asia. And then.. haha,ok, sorry. That's another dream, another story ;)

She recommended me to a website named couchsurfing.org where they provide a platform for people who love to travel to connect in the truest-sense: to share/lend a couch or a place to stay and maybe even come with an unofficial travel guide: all for free!. The idea kinda reminds me of the movie "The Holiday" starring Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black but it's not the same. She said she have hosted many travellers before, even from Malaysia. Hmm..is this independent travelling thing big in Malaysia now? It comforts me to know that, somehow the knowledge of fellow countrymen and women doing it before makes it less apprehensive.

She gave me her email and I've emailed her already, hoping this could be a start for a meaningful friendship. C'mon, everything has risks but the hard thing is to figure out is whether the risk is worth it? And the bigger question would be: as I am all for challenging myself now, am I up for it this time?

Time, as always, will tell ;)

It's getting stale being stagnant

2010-09-27T17:01:00.003+08:00

Lyrics | Collective Soul lyrics - Run lyrics

If I could pick a color for today: it'd be gray.

I'm in the maze again, trapped in my own insecurities.

Past dialogs keep haunting my thoughts and I fear I keep making the same mistakes again. It's like walking down a familiar lane, fully knowing that up ahead there is a big hole in the ground waiting for a fallen victim but you keep falling into it, time and again that the fall just feels like a necessary part of the journey. Each time these words echoes in your head, "Here we go again".

Haih...I hate it when I misunderstand; but lately it's all I'm capable of doing.

"People kill what they don't understand"

I know that's true. Most people don't have the patience to see things through once the sequence of events baffles them or it goes against what they hoped it would be.

Patience! All of us need Patience!

I think I have got some brand of patience but I am unsure if it's the same kind as every one else's. I have a great deal of hope, but I hope to trade that with a measure of willpower. Gotta move to the next level, so that the stage is set for new experiences, new setting, new everything: it's getting stale being stagnant.

hey, Magenta!

2010-09-20T23:21:00.005+08:00

Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"
~John Mayer

You who never arrived

2010-09-17T17:50:00.003+08:00

You who never arrived in my arms,

Beloved, who were lost from the start,

I don't even know what songs would please you.

I have given up trying to recognize you

in the surging wave of the next moment.

All the immense images in me--

the far-off, deeply-felt landscape,

cities, towers, and bridges,

and unsuspected turns in the path,

and those powerful lands that were once

pulsing with the life of the gods-

all rise within me to mean you,

who forever elude me.

You, Beloved,

who are all the gardens I have ever gazed at,

longing.

An open window in a country house--,

and you almost stepped out, pensive, to meet me.

Streets that I chanced upon--,

you had just walked down them and vanished.

And sometimes, in a shop,

the mirrors were still dizzy with your presence and,

startled, gave back my too-sudden image.

Who knows?

perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us yesterday,

separate,

in the evening..

~Rilke

Intelligent guesswork search for the truth

2010-09-12T17:00:00.004+08:00

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice
~Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed that any one rule or statement is never true all the time?

Everything always have some kind of disclaimer or 'special circumstances' that permit it to be overruled. Truth and righteousness, it seem to me to never stay at one place. Doing the right thing is such a dynamic thing to do that it is no wonder that it is not so universally appealing: it takes too much of the brain's capacity to weigh out the options and to be honest enough to really understand opposing views.

A step back to look at a situation as a whole takes a lot of courage and real effort to not be trapped by stereotype thinking. Our world view now is shaped much by what we hear in the news, what we read in the internet, what we see in front of our eyes. A dangerous shortcut would be to sum all this up and to reach our own conclusion without reserving some reasonable doubt upon our own perceived truths and be flexible if mounting evidence point to an alternate direction. Get it? Ok, cutting out all the fancy wordplay all I want to convey is for us to be open and flexible when approaching all things because your truth may not be the ONLY truth.

It is sad that the burning of sacred texts like the Quran and Bible by are being used as a weapon to blackmail people of faith into submission. Plus, they are rationalizing their idiotic acts by saying that they are entitled to do so due to the freedom of expression bestowed on them as free citizens. And what about the resistance toward the Islamic center at Ground Zero? Why does the mob act as they do? Two groups battling it out to the end, based on what? Is the blame put in the right place? Has it ever been verified? Why can't they differentiate between the belief and the believer? Why are they fighting in a cowardly way by not trying to understand, but by condemning instead? And why, oh why is one group's hurt bigger and mean more than another's hurt?

Another thing is the authorities who are supposed to nip this in the bud: Why are all hands tied because of the upholding of this single person's idiotic wants or a small minority of radicals? Why are we buying into their twisted rationalization? Why is still so called "freedom of speech" is guarded so viciously even as it tramples on a thousand other rights like the right to practice one's belief and the right to be safe and have peace? Maybe it is just me but why is the individual put before the whole population? Ultimately, why are these people again refusing to think?

So frustrating!

Sometimes, I wish all the world have an ISA-like regulation that is used with wisdom and care.

A degree of flexibility is a necessity if there is a conscious desire to be true and right. If you only hold a set of unyielding principles and be dogmatic about upholding them you'll just be another number to add to the blind fanatic statistic. Give it some thought, change positions to see things in a different light. Understanding something doesn't mean you agree with them. Siding with the truth doesn't make you a fool. Search for the truth! Strive to do right!

Haih...the world is so full with injustice. My lectures here will not get me anywhere. There will never be worldwide peace, someday we will all kill each other or pollute everything and kill ourselves. What a sad waste of potential greatness.

And because of the truth that never sits at one place, I hope I am making the right choices. I hope we are electing the right leaders. I hope our leaders make the right choices and I hope they care enough to care whether they are making the right choices. Making choices is a very big and serious thing you know. I think this is the reason why we must pray for guidance from Allah: only He knows what and where the truth is. We can only guess.

Once the fairy dust have gone, will our wings fall off?

2010-09-06T23:40:00.006+08:00

Faith is a funny thing.

It is never there at the beginning, but it stays with you right up to the end.

I believe everything and anything is part of a fuzzy logic system that is both highly dynamic and fixed and the same time. That is what i understand of qada' and qadar anyway.

So, if you ask me about love. I really do believe in it, but maybe not in the way that you do. I am not worried, even if sometimes the skies do look grayer than usual.

I am not into rushing things that should be slowed down or into slowing down things that can be rushed. I am all for going through the day the very best that I can and be thankful for anything and everything that comes in my way.

Just because I believe that as long as the sky hasn't fallen on me yet, then there is still a life to be lived and experiences to go through.

So someone posted this on Facebook

Oh, rupa-rupanya Allah pasangkan kita dgn pasangan kita untuk kita saling merintih kepada Allah dalam menghadapi kerenah masing-masing. Allah menguji kita melalui dia, Allah menguji dia melalui kita. Inilah yg kita belajar daripada cinta dan sabar dalam rumah tangga Nabi Ibrahim dan isterinya Siti Hajar. Sesungguhnya cinta mereka bukan cinta biasa
~from column Soal Cinta by Pahrol Mohd Juoi,Solusi isu no.18

After reading this, I thought: why the rush? Getting married is never the end of anything. It is always the beginning of everything else. Because of this reality it is absolutely mandatory to think things through and make decisions that is both at ease with your heart and mind. I am never comfortable whenever those two are at war: I can't tell which one is the right path. So to avoid more soul conflict it is best to find a common ground where the heart and mind are at peace.

So to hell with all outside pressure, or any factors that can force you into choices that are not your own. It really doesn't matter if they tell you that you are making a grand mistake because that guy is a hotshot imam with a RM10,000 monthly salary, is insanely handsome and totally into you (wow, does this guy even exist?). If there is no connection then there will be no connection. If you think he is stupid, then there is no way you can truly respect him as a husband or as a person to turn to, right? Truth is, other people's criteria are useless to you. You got to be of the same wavelength or there will be no coherent communication. That is just like playing a foreign word game: you know you're playing to lose.

If we take the above quote as a guideline, where is the logic in choosing a test that you despise and will fail time and again? Love to me is hard work because once the fairy dust has gone off, real world sets in and you're on your own baby.

Your husband/wife is both a blessing and a test. In fact, EVERYTHING is a blessing and a test. So what I am saying is: choose wisely and take your time. And of course pray and have faith.

As Stacie Orrico so aptly sang: there's gotta be more to life ;)

Bare moment

2010-09-02T16:41:00.004+08:00

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant
~Robert McCloskey

Is it possible to reveal to much?

But what frustrates me is that sometimes I feel sorely misunderstood. I hate that because I don't really have the time or even the patience to explain what I mean in the truest sense.

I don't think they want to hear anyway, because it sends a thrill down the spine whenever we believe that we understand something, more so than the person in question.

Haih...

I don't know. But to be laid bare, in front of stranger's eyes, stripped from your defenses: all that I can muster is clammed up silence.

In my head I prayed: let this moment pass.

And it passed. May it be left in that moment, without another mention.

I want to start a revolution from my head

2010-08-23T00:00:00.003+08:00

I really shouldn't be writing this.

Especially with a presentation due tomorrow morning. Plus, it will be a Monday.

So I really, really, really shouldn't be writing this.

But I can't get it out of my mind, so it is hampering my productivity. I figured that might as well get it over and done so that my mind's RAM can be used for other pressing matters i.e tomorrow's presentation.

So...erm...have you noticed the changed header and title up there? I personally like the photo: I took it from here. The site's in German, so I don't really know if I'm breaking any rules for making the photo my header. But at least I acknowledge the site, right?

For what it is worth, these few weeks (or month?) has been an emotional roller coaster, an overhaul of sorts. All fields of my life (family, love, career..etc) all demand big decisions, strong determination and steel resolve. From all the mind's acrobatics I think that maybe some new connections have been soldered in the brain circuits to effect a change in thoughts and conduct.

I just hope that everything is for the best. Ramadan is indeed a school for the soul. There's something in the air I think, that makes everything viewed with more clarity and without bias.

More matured, perhaps?

I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.

The only way to now if all these changes are any good is to brace for another round of life's challenges. Then only you'll know if you've gotten somewhere instead of just running around in small circles, never venturing out from your small space.

As I always say: the world is too big to be stuck in one place, you know? ;)

The world is my stage ;)

2010-08-12T10:55:00.003+08:00

My stars for today:

August 12, 2010
Aquarius (1/20-2/18)
A great financial possibility is linked with foreign travel and your future success, so be alert regarding any chances for travel, either on the job or on your own. When thinking of future opportunities, practice deep respect without giving in to alien ways of thinking. Since you refuse to fit anyone's ideas about you is vital to your success, being true to yourself helps you take risks that others miss.

~From Shine, Yahoo!

See? Told you. Even the stars are urging me to travel hahaha

Imperfect fate: All our fault?

2010-08-08T21:03:00.008+08:00

Anything that happens, happens.
Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.
Anything that, in happening, happens again, happens again.
It doesn't necessarily happen in chronological order, though.
~Douglas Adams

Let me put this reality out there first: we are imperfect beings.

Human, man, insan, manusia - all their definitions have caveats against the inherent imperfection of us.

So it is perfectly reasonable to think that as imperfect beings we make imperfect decisions, right?

This reality is compounded by the fact that when making split second decisions or long deliberated choices we often don't get the full picture. We don't get to know all the pieces of the puzzle. We don't have all the details of things that can have an effect on the decision or the ripples of event that would happen with the choices we make.

In a scientific system, this can't be accepted. There are too many variables. To manage these volatile factor, science would take into account the assumptions that have to be made and to manage the variability using the ever-powerful tool: statistics.

But we don't get to play these tools in real life, don't we?

Life happens in real-time.

However, the level of our performance in this life is measured by the choices we make, by the paths we set ourselves into. We might even be tempted to think that we are sorely disadvantaged and under-equipped to tackle this daunting task of sticking to your guns and winning the war.

In my head, the noise my thoughts make are deafening. Even outwardly I feel like having a fever, both my mental and physical faculties committed to process, weigh and predict the possible outcomes of each route.

This drives me crazy!

But the realization that we are imperfect beings gives me a kind of consolation. I feel somehow, ok. The decisions and deliberations become hard only when we feel destiny is ultimately ours to shape. That we ourselves control whether we make it or brake it. Whether it turns to gold or to dust. Whether it stands or it crumbles.

I beg to differ.

I find it hard to believe that destiny is only tied to an individual's act, and the intersections in life that we didn't choose is a lost chance. Those damn 'what-ifs' again.

How could fate be so frail? Why does destiny have to be so fuzzy and undetermined that a single wrong turn by us takes us to doom so easily?

Like love for example. Is it so easy to miss out on true love because we are not yet the person they should have fallen in love with? We are continuously improving ourselves, but in the process while we are being less than who we can be, if we happen to stumble upon love, will it not work out?

Another example is when given options on what to commit yourself into, your life's work. We won't know what is right. So if we commit now, will we get the chance to turn the car around and steer away?

Quite frustrating, if you ask me. So I make my mind to not believe all this. How can we miss out on so much by making imperfect choices? We will never know the right words, we will never know the right timing, we will never know whether that is the right path to take. All we have is now. Face it, we have to make do with the bare minimum. But I think it is harder if we take it all on our shoulders and go lone ranger in life. I think that fate is stronger than we think. There are movable things and unmovable things: all part of qada' and qadar. If it is meant to be, then surely it will come to be. What makes a decision right has no clear definition, as the decision itself is a journey toward our ultimate self. I just take comfort in placing my trust in the Almighty and know that as long as I keep trying to walk the path that is set for me the best way that I possibly can by harnessing all the resources at my disposal (like mom and dad, family, friends, teachers, books, google, random strangers with wisdom they're willing to share, etc. Who would've thought there'd be that many? haha) then I needn't to be burdened too much by the singular responsibility of being me.

The only thing to do now is to have a clean heart, a clear conscience, strong faith and keep on walking. Don't worry too much, what is yours will be right up ahead or it will catch up with you someday ;)

Melancholy

2010-08-06T01:43:00.004+08:00

I sent my sis to tuition just now. Then as I pulled up in front of my house, this song came out from the radio. It's a sweet melancholy song, one that can bring a cloud over your heart and blast you off to forgotten places in your memories.

Can it be possible that memories re-create themselves with every remembrance? Somehow it embellishes it, covering up the reality that brought you to make the decisions you did.

Memories can also be in the form of illusion. A dream that was faded awhile to the background while you're chasing other worldly things. It doesn't make it seem less real to me. Illusions can hurt too. Sometimes even more so.

This may or may not be a part of my future or past, but still this song tugs the strings of my heart. As always, time will bring revelation even if it doesn't guarantee salvation.

Thinking too far outside the box?

2010-07-19T22:37:00.003+08:00

I wish people can communicate using brainwaves or chemical cues. I think that would ease the burden of choosing the right words and the appropriate body language. And along with that is an innate capacity for tolerance and acceptance.

Would that be better?

No more misheard words.

No more mistaken intentions.

No more misplaced actions and emotions.

Everything moves in rhythm, in its own orbit and never colliding with the fate of another.

Meaning that what is meant to be, just happens simply. No more endless waiting for something that we are not sure will come.

A blissful place.

However, the randomness of my thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that that kind of life is kinda mechanical and too factory-like.

If everything goes according to our Utopian dreams, who will go to the heights of paradise, or fill the depths of hell or just wait out in purgatory until the balance tips toward whatever you deserved?

But,

I still think that communicating with brainwaves may just be the next best thing. It may sound insane now but it has been cloaked throughout time under an alias: the subconscious. I sometimes believe it when they say that whenever you remember someone, they remember you too.

It's like dialing a person's number. Sometimes they answer, sometimes they missed it or maybe sometimes, they just hang up.

But hey, at least they know you called. Or they think you did.

The mystery would be the only saving grace. The ambiguity of it all is open to interpretation and of course, open to chance ;)

Receding rain

2010-07-11T22:42:00.002+08:00

Did you hear that?

The soft tapping on the roof.

It is the rain, softly assuring that the world has not ended yet.

Try,

Try peering out the curtains. It is not so dark outside anymore.

But,

If you don't want to look, that is fine. You could just be here with me.

I don't really know what to do, but we'll figure it out as we go.

This would be easy.

Because I have you,

And of course, you have me too.

Everything rushes by as time stood still

2010-07-09T00:52:00.003+08:00

THE RAILROAD STATION

My nonarrival in the city of N.

took place on the dot.

You'd been alerted

in my unmailed letter.

You were able not to be there

at the agreed-upon time.

The train pulled up at Platform 3.

A lot of people got out.

My absence joined the throng

as it made its way toward the exit.

Several women rushed

to take my place

in all that rush.

Somebody ran up to one of them.

I didn't know him,

but she recognized him

immediately.

While they kissed

with not our lips,

a suitcase disappeared,

not mine.

The railroad station in the city of N.

passed its exam

in objective existence

with flying colors.

The whole remained in place.

Particulars scurried

along the designated tracks.

~ Wislawa Szymborska

Trouble is a mosquito

2010-07-06T15:41:00.003+08:00

Life, it seems, is a very interesting paradox.

When you're all geared up to take on the world, planning and taking your steps carefully, waking up with the dawn and ever eager to start a new day: something almost always happen so hard to dampen your spirit, like phantom hands coming out of the water with the sole purpose of drowning you.

On the other hand, when you're miserable and all the colors you see are only gradients of grey the whole world would be lit up, tempting you with the dream of possibility that is just bursting with happiness that makes it irresistible, even stupid to stay on your corner sulking sourly.

Unfortunately, I'm having one of the former situation.

I burned my weekends, my work looks like a big dead end sign, my thoughts are all over the place trying to cover all bases, trouble shooting non stop. The thing about trouble is that they are like mosquitoes: they keep buzzing around your head, irritating you to bits and making you more determined to catch them coz every time you try to swat them, they fly away and then cheekily come back.

Sorry for whining.

I know I should have known that this all come with trudging your life through postgraduate study.

It is too late to turn back now, the U-turn was three years ago. Now its a long, long, longgg highway. Might as well go on. There is still light up ahead. As someone so aptly said:

There is a light at the end of every tunnel....just pray it's not a train! :D

What if in the end the answer is as simple as it is incomprehensible?

2010-07-05T22:54:00.004+08:00

They shrugged at each other.

Fook composed himself. "O Deep Thought computer," he said, "the task we have designed you to perform is this. We want you to tell us...." he paused, "The Answer."

"The Answer?" said Deep Thought. "The Answer to what?"

"Life!" urged Fook.

"The Universe!" said Lunkwill.

"Everything!" they said in chorus.

Deep Thought paused for a moment's reflection.

"Tricky," he said finally.

"But can you do it?"

Again, a significant pause.

"Yes," said Deep Thought, "I can do it."

"There is an answer?" said Fook with breathless excitement.

"Yes," said Deep Thought. "Life, the Universe, and Everything. There is an answer. But, I'll have to think about it."

Ford glanced impatiently at his watch.

"How long?" he said.

"Seven and a half million years."

Lunkwill and Fook blinked at each other.

"Seven and a half million years!" they cried in chorus.

"Yes." said Deep Thought.

[Seven and a half million years later.... Fook and Lunkwill are long gone, but their ancestors continue what they started]

"We are the ones who will hear," said Phouchg, "the answer to the great question of Life....!"

"The Universe...!" said Loonquawl.

"And Everything...!"

"Shhh," said Loonquawl with a slight gesture. "I think Deep Thought is preparing to speak!"

There was a moment's expectant pause while panels slowly came to life on the front of the console. Lights flashed on and off experimentally and settled down into a businesslike pattern. A soft low hum came from the communication channel.

"Good Morning," said Deep Thought at last.

"Er..good morning, O Deep Thought" said Loonquawl nervously, "do you have...er, that is..."

"An Answer for you?" interrupted Deep Thought majestically. "Yes, I have."

The two men shivered with expectancy. Their waiting had not been in vain.

"There really is one?" breathed Phouchg.

"There really is one," confirmed Deep Thought.

"To Everything? To the great Question of Life, the Universe and everything?"

"Yes."

Both of the men had been trained for this moment, their lives had been a preparation for it, they had been selected at birth as those who would witness the answer, but even so they found themselves gasping and squirming like excited children.

"And you're ready to give it to us?" urged Loonsuawl.

"I am."

"Now?"

"Now," said Deep Thought.

They both licked their dry lips.

"Though I don't think," added Deep Thought. "that you're going to like it."

"Doesn't matter!" said Phouchg. "We must know it! Now!"

"Now?" inquired Deep Thought.

"Yes! Now..."

"All right," said the computer, and settled into silence again. The two men fidgeted. The tension was unbearable.

"You're really not going to like it," observed Deep Thought.

"Tell us!"

"All right," said Deep Thought. "The Answer to the Great Question..."

"Yes..!"

"Of Life, the Universe and Everything..." said Deep Thought.

"Yes...!"

"Is..." said Deep Thought, and paused.

"Yes...!"

"Is..."

"Yes...!!!...?"

"Forty-two," said Deep Thought, with infinite majesty and calm."

— Douglas Adams (The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy)

Fight for your love but know when to quit

2010-07-03T14:59:00.003+08:00

I prithee send me back my heart,
Since I cannot have thine;
For if from yours you will not part,
Why, then, shouldst thou have mine?
~John Suckling

I always wonder why something so great, so big and so real can't be felt by the other person. I've seen countless examples of how a heart breaks to pieces but the one loved is numb, sometimes even unfeeling toward the weakness apparent in the lover.

Isn't that injustice?

That is not fair, at first glance.

But maybe fairness does not mean equality. Maybe the fairness lies in preventing the lover from being doomed to have a relationship that is only as strong as their love for the loved one. Who knows how long will that last? You are only as strong as your weakest link, so if your weakest link is your other half and all the burden to keep the fire burning falls on you there is no way it can withstand the realities of life.

So it is entirely possible for some to be almost dying with the want of love and the other just wished that all of that was not directed to them. It is just one of nature's cruel ways to prevent us from destroying our lives, committing it to a vain cause.

A question: will knowing this make it hurt a little less?

On the contrary, maybe it would make it hurt a little more but you will recover in less amount of time and with fewer bruises to heal.

It was not meant to be, so move on.

However, if you didn't fight for the love you want you probably never deserved in the first place.

Letting go is only applicable to the ones who try to hold on.

Dare to rise and fly

2010-07-01T11:45:00.002+08:00

If you are sad, do you look up or do you look down to lift your spirits up again?

Maybe the answer is the same with what you think of whether a glass is half full or half empty.

For me myself, it is not fixed. Sometimes all I see is a glass filled with something, not caring about the volume.

Well, something is better than nothing right?

Some people, especially the motivated and competitive ones would usually lift themselves up after looking up: see something not yet within their reach, striving to grab at it. Or seeing someone getting more than them, makes the drive to succeed stronger.

Another type of people would feel better when they see that the state they are in are not worse than others i.e looking down and that makes them thankful for what they have and sometimes it makes them strive harder too.

But there is another type I think: the ones that are oblivious of what other people around them have or don't have. These people have a benchmark that defined uniquely by them, a target made solely based on their priorities. Most of the time this target is to overcome self; to be better than thyself in the past. You yourself is the biggest critic. However, you also have to be your biggest fan or else what you end up doing is just clobbering yourself down and be your own worst enemy. Balance people, the keyword is balance!

But, the question that arises is what if what makes us down is out of our control? Maybe it is a person that is bugging you so much that it makes you want to tear your hair out or an unlucky chain of events that spiraled out of hand.

Maybe, just maybe it would be better for the preservation of our sanity that we retain some ability to pull ourselves up without requiring too much. Don't be too affected by the things revolving around us and at the same time not being too cold towards it either. The only thing we have control over is the way we react to things, how we conduct ourselves when faced with tough decisions, tough situations, tough people. The important thing is to keep moving, even at a snails pace. You would still be in front of those standing still, ever closer to your target.

So I think I'll leave you with something to think about:

Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die... Still you wait and will not try - A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly
~A. A. Milne

The opposite of two

2010-06-18T21:20:00.002+08:00

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur

There is nobody in the house, they've all gone out somewhere. Initially I planned to dine with my labmates but they were held up at the lab; they have an important discussion with our supervisor. As my tummy was grumbling all sorts of music, I had to go grab a bite and left. I switched to plan B, which was to buy eggs and just cook up something very basic and oh-so-single like an egg sandwich. But then as I pulled my car beside the shop, the hawker stalls lining the opposite side of the street was so inviting that I didn't even resist the temptation. Naturally I switched to plan C: buy food and be the true bachelorette ;)

I bought nasi lemak ayam berempah and 5 sticks of satay (no comments please, I told you I didn't even resist! haha) and it made me happy. Yes, just like that I was happy. As Fazleen always say; "hee..easily pleased!". Ah well, I sure don't need much to put a smile on my face, that is for sure :) But alongside that happiness, I was also kinda sad due to the loneliness of having to buy your own food and eating silently in front of the TV. Maybe because I am so used to eating with the whole family that dining alone is a sharp contrast.

This is the reason why I hate eating on my own, I'd rather not eat. During Samarahan days, I'd wait up for Fizah to come to my room before buying food and eating together afterwards. She'd make fun of me and say, "haha, kesiannya die xde kawan nk ajak makan." Cis kn? But I don't mind, it was my luck that I got a room separated from my friends. Nasib la Fizah sanggup juga layan aku makan, u r the best! If u r a guy I swear I'd marry you hahaha

And so here I am, in front of the tv, blogging nonsense while gathering the will to do some work after this. Gotta keep moving!

You could get by without me, but...

2010-06-08T13:41:00.004+08:00

I don't know about my love philosophy now. As other parts of my life is as complicated as this love section, it helps to simplify things. Now I am all about song dedications. How I play the field now is like Mr A-Z sang in this song:

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - You And I Both lyrics

Somehow, this gives me peace of mind. Of course, we had a great time. If there is something more there then I'm prepared to give it a try. But if there is nothing worth taking chance on, then I'd just tip my hat to say thank you with a smile and walk away without any grudges. And if I have the option to give another song then I'll give this too, just for fun haha :D

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - Geek In The Pink lyrics

Batik Jawa: A tale never to be repeated

2010-06-07T23:04:00.004+08:00

Sometimes, you do cross my mind. However, as swift the thought came, it went.

Sometimes, I come across things that remind me of you. However, it is not a happy memory so I ignored it. Feeling small never made anyone great.

So, this is for you. May you disappear like the mist once the sun shine through.

Oh, and a note to self: Don't waste your bullets on those unworthy to take a shot on! ;)

Courage of the little one

2010-05-26T13:55:00.005+08:00

I'm at the HUSM pediatric clinic now. It's lunchtime and the halls are all empty, a contrast to the earlier bustling and commotion when the clinic was at full swing.
Just now I helped a nurse here to draw blood from a little baby, whose skin is still red like a newborn. He is so tiny that it saddened me to know he is very ill, for what else would he be lying on the hospital bed looking at me with those doe eyes so innocently? I didn't actually do anything, my main job was to comfort the baby because the mother was not around at the time. So I caressed his forehead, hoping that he'll feel safe. Then the nurse took out a hollow needle and prick his hand, all the while I was trying to comfort the baby. When the nurse finally pricked his hand, I saw that the baby was shocked at the sudden pain and he cried. What is worse that the nurse had to move the needle around in the baby hand because she couldn't find his vein and there is no blood coming out. However, when I half expected the baby to cry harder and louder, he didn't. He just cried a little more and then fell silent. It is just as if he was trying to endure the pain bravely. He vomited out some milk but that was all.
Finally, after a while (30 s or 1 min), blood finally came out of the needle. The required volume of blood was 3 ml (which is by the way, is quite a big volume from so little a child) but the baby didn't cry. Relatively, he is quite silent all the way. It was only when the nurse took out the needle the cried a little.
But my God, he is to me the bravest baby in the world. And my heart goes to you, little one. I hope you get well, insyaAllah.

I wonder, can someone forget how to live?

2010-05-20T22:04:00.003+08:00

It's been awhile since I've posted anything remotely useful here. Back in the day I used to go on and on about the things that cross my mind as I seem to have an opinion on everything. Now this web space is filled with indicators of the ups and downs of my erratic patterned moods.

Not a very pleasant thing, I know, especially for some that come looking for a sparring of ideas or changed perspective.

However, I want to state now that when the capacity of the mind is spent on endless acrobatics of mental processes that goes hand in hand with postgraduate study that by the end of the day the very essence of life seem to seep away from your being, then there is none left to ponder on other things. This is why usually you see PhD candidates and sometimes even MSc candidates move around like zombies, mumbling incomprehensibles and often only communicate using eye movements and facial expressions. Most energy is spent in the head, you see. Everything else only runs with the bare minimum.

But I'm thankful that finally my life isn't devoured fully by my responsibilities of completing my thesis. Slowly but surely I'm chipping away at the high walls around me and I think I saw a light shining somewhere. I try to make time for other things because I think that to put a part of life on hold while tinkering on another is not a very good idea. It'd be hard to catch up on life because it moves with time, it never stops just because you tell it to. So never let it pass you by because who knows, maybe you'd be out of practice and have to do it all over again. Living, I mean, not the thesis haha ;)

Don't need another perfect line

2010-04-29T10:58:00.004+08:00

Lyrics | One Republic lyrics - Secrets lyrics

I decided today that I am tired of waiting for things to happen. I think to increase the probability of something happening, we actually have to force and put ourselves in situations that makes it impossible for meaningful things to evade us.

Yes, in the back of my mind I think my life is boring. And I just can't stand it any longer.

We have to increase our potential, put the seed of life under the sun and rain so that it'll grow into full bloom.

That is why I am taking the little but sure steps toward change.

People around me are always whining about how sad and blue they are because of the absence of someone they could love and they think that their life would be turned around the minute they find their true love.

I just hope they don't miss him when he pass them by. Good luck with that.

For me I just get sick of waiting around pretending it doesn't hurt. I don't think that one person can change your whole life just like that, you have to do most of the work yourself. Well, it is after all your life. Don't wait around for something that is hidden in the days to come. If it comes one fine day knocking on your door, just let it in. Until then, fill in your minutes and seconds with memories that will sustain you.

Sick of all the insincere is true. I only have time for the real thing. So if you want to join me, I really appreciate the company. But if not, it's OK as it is not the end of the world yet. I promise I'll send you pictures haha.

So now the important things to do are:

Fill weekday with work so that I can graduate as soon as possible to be free of all the ties of postgraduate study.
Fill weekends with fun stuff to catch up with my life.
Earn money so that I can save up to go places I only go to in pictures.

Sound like a good plan? I hope so because the situation now has a stale taste to it. Dreams have to become targets at some point of time and there is no time like the present ;)

Kinda like love

2010-04-22T17:13:00.003+08:00

Hope is hard to kill. But it sure drains you out...

It's just another lemon tree

2010-04-16T17:58:00.005+08:00

Lyrics | Fool's Garden lyrics - Lemon Tree lyrics

This song has been in my head for a week now.

Plus, the story sounds so awfully familiar.

And I guess I just keep on wondering, hoping that something will finally happen.

Or maybe,

just maybe,

I'll change my point of view and go find my own blue blue sky,

... with the lemon tree still in view, just in case you come ;)

Monster in the mirror

2010-04-15T10:35:00.003+08:00

the monster in the mirror. by =Pretty-As-A-Picture on deviant ART

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you
~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I came across this quotation before I didn't really understand it. However, recent unfolding of events made me think of this quote and understand it more than ever before.

I am now very very frustrated with someone. In my rebel against this person's conduct I think I have become a worse person. This person is truly uninspiring and I am sick of the attitude problem that seem to get worse everyday. Compound all this with the fact that this person is wayyy older than I am and I think that this person should have known better. As I view this person's life through my tainted vision, I don't see any bright future or even a glimmer of success because in my heart I think that this person would pass over all the opportunities to the wind and be left barren.

However, my rebel toward this person couldn't be done in face to face combat so I resorted to passive aggressiveness without realizing it. I started withdrawing my participation, delaying any response, procrastinate the execution of responsibilities tasked on me: basically developing a chronic attitude disorder of my own. I started slowly to become the things I hate. Angels can't win in the clash of monstrous creatures and so that was what I slowly turning into.

But like a jolt of electrocution I was stunned into realization this morning. It dawned on me that there is no use trying to change people when they are beyond that. It is not my responsibility to see this person through or support this person in their flimsy illusion. There is no use being rebellious of things that will not change. Change can only come from within and trying to force it would only make us be like the things we attempt to change.

What is in your power is yourself. If they do not want to be the person they should have been, there is no reason to follow in their path to nowhere. I have to fulfill what is required of me because what I become in the end is my own devising. Blame is lame.

So what I have to do now is make a major U-turn and reset my course. I'll do my part beautifully and those who won't can just get lost in their solitary universe. I vow to NEVER BE LIKE THAT PARTICULAR PERSON.

If I delay, success will become wed to another

2010-04-13T14:25:00.006+08:00

“I will act now. I will act now. I will act now. Henceforth, I will repeat these words each hour, each day, everyday, until the words become as much a habit as my breathing, and the action which follows becomes as instinctive as the blinking of my eyelids. With these words I can condition my mind to perform every action necessary for my success. I will act now. I will repeat these words again and again and again. I will walk where failures fear to walk. I will work when failures seek rest. I will act now for now is all I have. Tomorrow is the day reserved for the labor of the lazy. I am not lazy. Tomorrow is the day when the failure will succeed. I am not a failure. I will act now. Success will not wait. If I delay, success will become wed to another and lost to me forever. This is the time. This is the place. I am the person.”
~Og Mandino (American Essayist and Psychologist, 1923-1996)

I have to recite this to myself every moment of every day so that I'll be focused and not be so easily swayed by transient escape.

This going after one's goals is a challenging ordeal that will shake you to your core. It is tiring and taxing to everything.

I don't know. It may very well be true that I am simply just a weak person that I easily get tired and demoralized. But hey, I haven't quit and I want to see this through to the end.

I'll see you guys at the top! Make sure you're there too ;)

The world is too big to be stuck in one place

2010-04-04T19:03:00.005+08:00

I should like to spend the whole of my life in traveling abroad, if I could anywhere borrow another life to spend afterwards at home ~William Hazlitt

I'm so jealous I could cry...

Bloghopping has brought me to this. The blog owner is an old friend of mine, known her since primary school. She and her husband are photographers and before they went on to UK they have a photography service (all the details you can find on their blog). The pictures thay take are truly breathtaking, it makes me want to go to the places showcased in their pictures then and there. Alas, that is but a dream ~ :(

But looking at those beautiful pictures almost brought me to tears due to jealousy. It's not the green eyed monster-envy-I'm-gonna-get-there-someday but the more mellow oh-i-don't-think-I'll-ever-get-there kind of jealousy.

I am sadly an avid dream traveler. I like to travel but don't seem to get the chance to. I don't crave the constant adventure or the constant moving, but rather I want to see and feel the world in its entirety. I want to see beauty in every perspective. I want to stand in silence in the face of wonder. I want to drink it all in.

Someday when all the mess has settled maybe I can just pack up and go. But sometimes I fear it is going to be too late. However, fear has never gotten anybody anywhere worthwhile, so maybe the thing to do is to just do it and see what'll happen. I suspect that life has many things left in store for me ;)