Love is not high throughput

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to

~Henry Rollins (American Rock Singer, Author, Actor and Poet, b.1961)

It is foolish to wear your heart on your sleeve, you know?

Especially now, when there are so many people with less than noble intentions. It is tiring to like/love someone now, because of the games that we have to endure to get the message across. Seriously, I think love should have a dedicated field of research as to find the solution for all the heart's problems. All the analysis involved: quantitatively and qualitatively like "does he/she like like me or just like me?" or "what it means when he/she says this/that?" or "when is the right time to call/sms?" or "what it means when he/she does this/that?" and even "what it means when they don't do this/that?". All of it has their own qualitative properties and quantitative degrees of significance; like what was talked about, or how many times a day something happens. It is all like doing research with too many variables and too many outside factors that causes the conclusion drawn from the observation to be not a final conclusion but rather an unproven hypothesis, an assumption.

The only sure determinant for love issues is time. Nothing is as conclusive.

And that is precisely what makes it so hard.

Empirical methods to solve abstract issues like love is not appropriate, cruel even. I know because I've been through it. I've had a person say that he's considering me to be with him, along with a couple more other girls. So in order to qualify for a chance to be with him, a set of seemingly random questions is asked and answered (I also can interview him, apparently) to search for compatibility between the individuals. I don't know about you guys but for me this method is definitely NOT for me. Especially after knowing that I've been chosen along with other girls. It is all well and good that we get to know about the other person but for me the process should be an honest give and take with only one person considered. Seriousness is only when your attention is focused on one person, hoping he/she will accept your love and then be together. Love is not a high throughput thing you know, you can't process 96 samples at one go like my trusty PCR thermal cycler. So after you're serious with that one person, then the process of knowing each other better can genuinely go on. If not, there can never be trust as the nagging questions at the back of my head would haunt my days and nights; questions like, "is he thinking of someone else? is he regretting that he chose me? am I not good enough?". Gile kan semua soalan tu. Macam mana la nak bahagia. Dia saja la yang bahagia sorang, tanpa sedar yang orang yang sepatutnya paling dekat dengannya terseksa. I am not keen in having a golden umbrella up in the heavens for me even before I get hitched. So in the end, goodbye is the only sane thing to do before you get sucked in the vortex of lost chances and unspoken words. Better to stop it at the beginning. However when I said goodbye, you know what he said? He just said, "Noted". Yes, just a stone cold one word reply. Maybe he'll just tick my name of his list of possible candidates. Better that way, I am far too human for a mechanical being like him.

So now I think I've widen my horizon a bit. No longer afraid to meet new people and to challenge myself with new surroundings. But the challenges of starting a new love is the same and sometimes it frustrates me a lot.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I want to annoy for the rest of my life and he wouldn't mind. I won't have any qualms in bugging him at any time of the day with my sometimes silly stories and he'll share his stories too, all because he loves me and I love him too. Poyo x? But it is what I want, I want to grow old with him and build a life together.

InsyaAllah :)

Things caught in my mind

Lyrics | Oasis lyrics - Don't Go Away lyrics

23 March 2010, 10.20 a.m

My labmates right now are having a workshop inside the meeting room. Every single one. Except me. I'm here at the far corner of the lab just hanging around, waiting for the clock to kill the seconds and minutes until 11.30 and I'll leave to prepare for my trip to Kelantan. I'm unsure if I go with blessing, as a certain someone wants me to stay and join the workshop. But I can't. And I think I am being resented. But for my part, I have to go and do this. The case folders are piling up high and the samples are never enough. My priorities are evidently different...so sorry. If I could, I would.

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I'm going to Kelantan by plane, but somehow I think my supervisor is against it even though the tickets cost less than travelling by bus (I bought the tickets months before, so it is cheap for this particular trip, only RM43). I admit, some are slightly more expensive than a one way bus trip (which by the way cost RM42.80 to RM 45.50, depending on the company) if I didn't manage to get the promo price but how about the time it saves me, n how about the energy? Am I being irrationally manja?

Hmm..time is certainly not a luxury I can afford but somehow these people think that if given a choice between a grueling 9 hour journey and a 1 hour journey we should always take the hardest path because that is the sacrifices required from a PhD student. And I've been doing this almost every week since October last year, which equates to more than 20 trips back and forth between Kelantan and home. And I've only bought the flight tickets for March until May. The months before, there are several trips by plane but most of the time it would certainly be by bus.

These trips are taxing to the body, heart and mind. The body because travelling means constantly in motion. The heart because every time I go there I have to trouble my cousins and relatives to fetch me, to give me a place to stay the night, to lend me their car, to send me back. It is ok if it is only for a couple of times, but how about every week? Even though they're incredible people, we are no angels. So I have to search for other ways so as not to burden them with my presence. It weigh heavy in my heart because I keep needing their help and there is no way I can afford to give them any consolation for helping me. How can you give when you have nothing? Nothingness in itself is so deep, it sucks you in. So you just wear an invisible mask and harden your heart to ask for help, again and again. The mind is full with thinking of ways to go around the problems, in doing research. It is like a jammed intersection where the traffic lights are broken, every car (which symbolizes the thoughts) needs to go somewhere but is stuck. So they keep honking and shouting so loud that it is in chaos. No way out.

As for today's trip I want to experiment in going at it alone. I've already booked a room in a budget hotel so I'll think I'll go there by taxi from the airport. I'll walk to the hospital tomorrow as the hotel is opposite HUSM. After doing my work, then I'll take a taxi again tomorrow to the airport. I'll ask my supervisor whether I can claim lodging and transport because in the past, a certain someone is against it. If I can, then I'll claim but if I can't, I'll pray to God that somebody would deposit me a whole chunk of money so that I can get by and survive next week (which is sadly, only in my dreams :p). So no burdening anyone but myself. I hope everything goes well. It needs to.

If it doesn't, then we'll just have to move on with what we have. No choice there. Impossible to just sit still.

On my part, there is no problem in sacrificing what is mine. However, how can we ask other people to sacrifice also for something they are not involved in? That is not fair, cruel even.

Money is such a big issue that I hate that everything depends on it. I got to finish fast so that I can give back some that I've taken. I can never repay the kindness, that is beyond me. However, I pray for all of you as I believe that Allah is the Greatest Provider. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And for my family who have sacrificed so much; I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll try my very best, so just hang in there ya. Please, hold on.

Set sail, the wind is blowing!

Never Give All The Heart

Never give all the heart, for love

Will hardly seem worth thinking of

To passionate women if it seem

Certain, and they never dream

That it fades out from kiss to kiss;

For everything that's lovely is

But a brief, dreamy. Kind delight.

O never give the heart outright,

For they, for all smooth lips can say,

Have given their hearts up to the play.

And who could play it well enough

If deaf and dumb and blind with love?

He that made this knows all the cost,

For he gave all his heart and lost

~William Butler Yeats

This poem I dedicate to a friend of mine who has been drunk with love so long that he didn't realize that it has long passed him by.

He played everything by the book, guarded his love with every effort humanly possible.

But the mover of hearts has never been mortal, so the heart goes its own way according to His plans.

I dearly hope he is stronger when beaten to the ground and rise as never before.

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And remember every time you give away a piece of your heart, to keep a portion to yourself. You can't lose it all by just that one person.

You still have your life before you and your family and friends that need your presence.

To drown and die in the sea of need is a curse of the unrequited love. So when you set out to give a part of you to another, make sure that that person is really waiting and longing for you to reach their side soon.

If not, look up to the stars and navigate away into the night.

Even if the sky is dark, press on.

No use waiting, that harbor is no longer there.

But the wind is blowing, and you must set your sails bravely through the open sea.

InsyaAllah, you will realize one day that you were only scarred and unbroken. And of course, there's someone out there who's waiting for you to arrive ;)