No fitting title.

I really want to take a break from everyone, everything.

Preferably for two weeks I can wipe out my existence, and just go where I want to go, do what I want to do, feel what I want to feel.

At this point of time, there is always other people butting in, or using their power to stop me.

Let me go. I'm already miles away from here..

But the thing is, I can't. Or i won't. Same thing. I won't because I can't change the status quo or break free from the ties that hold me down. I am too responsible for that. And I am not that spontaneous.

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I don't know if I can handle being "normal". Why they all think I want that, is beyond me.

I want to do so many things and I always thought I was meant for better things.

I always tell myself, "the world is my stage".

So whenever I see a dead end, I take a detour. Or make decisions that shake everyone expectations.

This is how I define normal: get a degree, find a decent job, get married, have kids. Then fall into a routine that goes like this: go to work each day to get as much as many as possible, then go home to spend that money, the next day repeat itself until we die.

But it looks like I am going to fall into this abyss of normality that I've always wanted to get away from. Kinda like a hamster on a wheel, working hard to get somewhere but in reality it is just trapped there in that beautiful cage.

haih...

oh well, you win some, you lose some.

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Oh, I really got to go to the beach. It'll give me perspective.

Enough with the reasons, dear heart.

At-Taubah, 9:40.

If you do not aid the Prophet - Allah has already aided him when those who disbelieved had driven him out [of Makkah] as one of two, when they were in the cave and he said to his companion, "Do not grieve; indeed Allah is with us." And Allah sent down his tranquillity upon him and supported him with angels you did not see and made the word of those who disbelieved the lowest, while the word of Allah - that is the highest. And Allah is Exalted in Might and Wise.

Kalau kamu tidak menolongnya (Nabi Muhammad) maka sesungguhnya Allah telahpun menolongnya, iaitu ketika kaum kafir (di Makkah) mengeluarkannya (dari negerinya Makkah) sedang ia salah seorang dari dua (sahabat) semasa mereka berlindung di dalam gua, ketika ia berkata kepada sahabatnya: "Janganlah engkau berdukacita, sesungguhnya Allah bersama kita". Maka Allah menurunkan semangat tenang tenteram kepada (Nabi Muhammad) dan menguatkannya dengan bantuan tentera (malaikat) yang kamu tidak melihatnya. Dan Allah menjadikan seruan (syirik) orang-orang kafir terkebawah (kalah dengan sehina-hinanya), dan Kalimah Allah (Islam) ialah yang tertinggi (selama-lamanya), kerana Allah Maha Kuasa, lagi Maha Bijaksana

Ali-Imran, 3:139.

So do not weaken and do not grieve, and you will be superior if you are [true] believers.

Dan janganlah kamu merasa lemah (dalam perjuangan mempertahan dan menegakkan Islam), dan janganlah kamu berdukacita (terhadap apa yang akan menimpa kamu), padahal kamulah orang-orang yang tertinggi (mengatasi musuh dengan mencapai kemenangan) jika kamu orang-orang yang (sungguh-sungguh) beriman.

So set forth and be brave. The worse is nothing that you can imagine.

After all, you can't really just be stuck there, right?

Let's talk

Talk (alternate version) ~Coldplay

Under the great north star
Try to work out where you are
In the silence of the sea
I don't know where I've been

In the future, in the past
Going nowhere much too fast
When I go there go with me
When I go there go with me

'Cause I don't know where I'm going but I wanna talk
I feel like I'm going where I've been before
And I wanna talk

Take a picture of
Something that you're not sure of
Bring it back to show me
But I don't know what I see

In the future, find a home
Getting nowhere on your own
Got to find your missing piece

'Cause you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk
You feel like you're going where you've been before
And nothing's really making any sense at all
You'll tell any one who'll listen that you feel ignored
Let's talk, let's talk
Do you wanna talk?

I'm up in the part of the throne
I'm trying to sing a song
In a language I don't speak
I try but I cant get through
I'm trying to get to you
But you're difficult to reach

Won't you talk to me....

So you don't know where you're going but you wanna talk
You feel like you're going where you've been before

Let's talk, let's talk ...
Let's talk, let's talk .

I have a need to talk to someone. This song is so fitting.
But as you very well know, spoken words do not come easy for me. I always say it wrong or I feel that what I want to convey don't get through. Or I would feel it inappropriate to tell and discuss about me when each person have bigger things in their mind. So many other things, and to take their time is a tad too much.
I hate becoming an inconvenience.
And so I am silent.
There is a lot in silence.
Silence is not empty, it is so filled with shadows of meaning that there is no space left for words.
But at this very moment, I wonder whether it is possible for another person to exist who would have the time and the desire to hear me out.
There is so many things that have to be talked over, thought over and acted upon.
I don't know...but I feel that these decisions are big and important to me. Maybe for others it is nothing and the decisions should be clear cut.
So I wonder why it keeps jamming my consciousness, making me fear the future. This should be easy. Just finish this thesis then go get a job. Simple.
Maybe it is not the decisions after all. Maybe its just the implications of my decisions is what is haunting me. The thought of standing and walking on my own two feet into the great unknown, alone navigating uncharted waters. It is exhilarating and daunting at the same time.
The time will finally come when I really have to take that step, out of what I already know and am beginning to have enough of. After that first step, a second step would follow and another until the end.
InsyaAllah, until the end.