Demons on my back

In front of my computer, trying to make sense of science journals but my mind can't focus because I keep thinking about the class I had earlier. Suddenly a colleague came and asked,

"Ada kelas ke tadi?"
"A'ah..kelas pagi tadi"
"Ada mood lagi nak kerja? Kalau akak, dah takde mood dah"
"..."

...Terus I tulis blog.

They have a nickname for me now: Ulat bulu.
Hampeh kan?
Haha, I don't mind because actually they are implying that I am an "ulat buku", meaning nerdy.
But having said that, I don't like that the same name also implies that I am a workaholic. Because I am not. I am just someone working my ass off because I can't afford to do it any other way. I am like this because I got to keep running to keep up with the things that I want to achieve, they are not stopping to wait for me.
All other people have different set of problems, different set of situations. It is not fair to judge other people when all you can see is what is apparent to you. Each of us are like icebergs: what you see on the surface is just a small fraction of what is hidden underwater.
A number of people have commented to me:

"Put the glass down, take a break"
"I think you are very focused"
"Don't think too much!"

.
.
.
All of these comments made me think: am I that intense? But reflecting on the things I have in my head and on my shoulders, I am unable to rationalize or explain myself why am I doing things the way I do. There is really no other way, not that I know of anyway.
Let's just list all of these things that are bugging me:
1. My dad is in the hospital again. My mom is also there to wait for my dad. My siblings, many of whom are still on their holidays could come to the hospital and wait for him. We really can't do anything: mostly it just makes us feel better to be nearer to Ayah and Ma, not the other way around. But my parents always want us to go on with our lives, to keep doing the things required for us to move on. Even though all we want is to be by their side, all they want is for us to not worry about them and keep excelling in our lives. So, to take leave or holidays just because of Ayah is something that he does not like. So it hurts me when some people comment carelessly the other day to me:

"Kenapa tak pergi hospital tunggu Ayah? Pergilah, takkan tu pun tak boleh fikir"

This judgmental comment hurts me to the core, the mere suggestion that I am delaying to go to my family. So in the future, be careful of dictating the action of others: you don't know the true situations and the type of choices that I have to make.

2. I have to start doing research at my university. But I am alone in this, no where to turn to or to seek help because as my x-supervisors like to say, my wings have been cut. To fly again would be a near-impossible feat. I have no access to machines, no one knows me and I have no money. The students are depending on me to guide them on projects. But because I told myself that I want to be as far removed from my past as I can be, I have to learn everything again. There are hundred of things to read, so I am still feeling my way in the dark. To do the things I want to do, there are so many procedures: I have to write proposals, apply for ethics clearance, get patients and samples, develop methods, yada yada yada. So many things. These are all piled up in front of me like a menacing mountain, the winds whispering poisonous thoughts like "you are not able to do this" "you will fail" "you are stupid and incapable" "you are just a nobody" "you are just one person" "people will know and you will fall". With each whisper, the strength is sapped little by little. It is like an open wound, the blood slowly coming out, draining you of the will to go on. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because I could be suddenly be hit by the memories I had during the last days of my PhD. I told myself that I am unaffected and certainly on good days I am the strongest person in the world. But some days it hit me again and I am down in the mud. So now I am taking baby steps until I am fully recovered. The healing point only came recently, when I was talking about the possibility of going back, of mending severed ties, a friend said to me
"Lupakan diorang. Just forget about them"
With those words, I know it is final and that I should really try to forget and do things on my own.
So now I am trying to forge new ties with other researchers, and building the foundation for my own research. It is like a victim of an accident: you got to make yourself to drive a car again even though you're traumatized like hell. But now I have met people whom I think I can work with to do research. But let's just try this one step at a time. I am afraid to say anything for fear that it won't work out.
Hmm..that's another thing. The research here is not widely practiced like in the public universities, so doing research here is not an easy feat. The things I hear over and over again are like:

"I can't do research because I don't have time. You're different because you have plenty of time"
"Biasalah, you kan ada momentum sekarang. Nanti lama-lama nanti dah hilang momentum tak boleh lah buat research"
"We are a private university, so we don't have enough machines. That is why I don't do my research, it is too difficult to get access to machines"
"Masa bujang senang la, nanti dah ada komitmen nanti susahlah"
"Awal-awal dulu I pun macam you. Naive and bersemangat nak buat research. But after some time, you will know"

This last excuse paling kurang asam because it implies that I will also fail like them eventually. But for me all of these are lame excuses. Lame! I wonder what they think of me, that all of these come easy to me? Every step is like a thorn in my shoe, harder to go on. But still I press on, praying that each forward step would not be the last. However, if my sin is only because I am being idealistic, then let me be. Just don't bog me down with your pessimism. I don't want to be unmotivated or just getting by. Mediocrity should not be anyone's goal.

3. I wonder if I am fit to be a lecturer. Sometimes I think I confuse them more rather than helping them. The morning tutorial today was the worst. I sometimes catch myself playing with the idea of doing a postdoc and build myself again in what I failed during my PhD. I really got to find something that I am good at. If this goes on, I am just a useless lifeless body going through times until I come to the end of the line.

4. How to start building my life? So many things to plan and think about: buying a new car, a new house, rearranging my finances, a new phone, a new computer...

5. Last but not least, where the hell is my prince charming? If you finally come in the future, I would certainly ask you this question.

So these are the major things in my mind. They take up most of the traffic in my head. So again, there is no rest. Rest will only come in death.

Don't stop your prayers

I don't write much anymore.
Why?
I used to think that I am a writer, but if I don't write, then how?
.
.
.
Now I am busy with work. I never thought I'd be a workaholic, but I am afraid if I show the symptoms of turning into one. Sometimes I am baffled, why am I so busy? Why are all others not as kelam-kabut as I am; head filled with things to do, problems to solve, things to work out.
Before this I thought I am busy because of the PhD and after finishing that I'd have more time to spend with my family.
But work demands so much, there is so much to achieve. This is made difficult because I am now alone in my work, I have to start everything from scratch. The burden and pressure to prove yourself again to others is sometimes a difficult process.

The traffic in my head is like a 24-hour busy highway. At least now the traffic report is smooth; no held up traffic due to broken traffic lights or accidents. If that happens, it disrupts the whole balance of my being. As of now, everything is ok.

I know now that time is really a form of rizq. The way you spend your time is as important as how you spend your rizq. If Allah does not permit it, you won't get to do anything about it. These are all ordinary realities; things people say all the time like an auto-response to a complaint about being busy and having no time. But it is only now that I realize its importance.

I feel that I appreciate things more now, things that are happening around me now always carry a taint that says its temporary. This realization that nothing is everlasting lingers on my mind so much that even if something is just starting, I'm already imagining what I'd do if it were to end. I am constantly aware and afraid that the things I hold dear will be taken away from me with brute force and with no time to react. Everything happens in its due course, whether you are ready for it or not is unimportant.

One of my hopes while Ayah was in the operating theater for emergency operation is that Allah will still grant me my wish even though I've sinned so much. I felt so inadequate when faced with situations where I have no control over anything. In the end, it all went well and Ayah's bleeding stopped. Although now it is not all over yet, at least for that period of time, we were blessed with a miracle. But then, I came across this in facebook:

Don't stop making du'a even though you sin. Allah answered the du'a of Shaytan "grant me respite until the Day of Judgement ~Sheikh Abu Abdissalam

So even the devil's wish was granted, so you have to keep making doa. You can't afford to stop anyway because you have no control over anything.

Resolution..s

Salam :)
So how is 2012 treating you lately?
I hope it has been kind.
For me, the first days of January was very much a blur: I started my new job, moved closer to workplace, Ayah warded and operated, back and forth between work and hospital and so on.
But I managed to keep with the tradition: to gather with cousins only for the eve of new year and start the year with celebration and laughter. I'm glad I went because I almost passed because I thought I wouldn't manage (My first day on the job was 3rd Jan, so konon2 busy prepare for work. Padahal gabra :p ).
Taking it back a bit, I also went to the Twins of Faith Family Festival on 24th and 25th Dec.
I am very much thankful that I was among the 3000 individual who were given the chance to join the event. Every time I think of my time there, I feel thankful and can't wait to join the next one.
There were several things that I learnt there and the knowledge was made more profound because I went alone. I don't know, but leaving me with my thoughts after the sessions...silence unbroken even through the noise of thousands of people was surrounding me, makes me feel so specially alone. Like I am a lone ranger embarking on an adventure.
What most shocked me when I went there is the degree of variety of the participants. The ones attending are not only those with black veils, big turbans or long flowing dresses. There were many who were wearing jeans, t-shirts, all kinds of headscarves and even those who were not wearing headscarves.
Yes, there were not one, but several of the women attending were not wearing any covering on their heads.
And these were the people who I am most jealous of.
I am jealous that although there were not yet a fully practising Muslim, they were trying hard to be one. What kind of person dare to come to an Islamic event with the sole purpose of obtaining knowledge to finally come to a conviction that Islam is truly the truth without any regard of what others think of them?
I am jealous because it is so clear to me that they are getting the hidayah, but they themselves have not realize it yet. They just need a little push toward the right path, and surely, with time and patience, they will find it. And there is the very real possibility of them being a better person compared to you and I.
But what about me? What about you?
Are we getting the hidayah? We are now at a certain level, but the question remains: why are we at this particular level and not higher? What are we doing to ourselves that we don't have the hidayah, the desire to attain a higher level? Surely there is something wrong.
Sometimes I get angry with myself for sins that I do, sometimes without remorse. Beat myself up over it, all this time. But early this year, I chanced upon Dr Zaharuddin Abd Rahman's status:

Jangan mengeji diri sendiri secara berlafaz (kecuali ketika taubat), kerana ia hanya akan memberikan tubuh kita lanjutan perasaan kegagalan dan negatif, lalu bakal membawa rantaian kegagalan dan kesalahan yg lain, kerana ia telah memasuki minda separa sedar kita menjadi seperti racun berbisa. Kerana itu, Islam mengajar bila kegagalan, kesukaran dan musibah tertimpa, ucaplah "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil", La hawla wala quwwata illa billah" dan "inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raa'jiun". Kemudian, positifkanlah dirimu. Kamu boleh...!

I try to picture myself and I feel sorry for the person I am. I am my own worst enemy. I am shocked at how unfriendly I was toward my own self. But I cannot find any justice on how I abuse my own self image because I try very hard, going through the day, moment by moment. So I don't need my own self to discount my efforts or taint it with undeserved criticism.
So this is my main resolution for the year:

To be my own best friend!

And then, this would include cheering myself on in my efforts to: slim down, to help my family, to do my work the best as I am able, to buy a house, to get rich, to be loved, to be a good scholar and to be a Muslim who actually makes a difference!
Just ask yourself this: if your presence or absence doesn't make any difference in the world, then why are you here at all?
*This question is adapted more or less from Hamka. When I am rajin, I'll get the right quote. But if I am kurang rajin skit, I think you get the idea ;)