Down, down, down

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - The End Where I Begin lyrics

I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to get over this but it lingers in my mind.
It's kinda like when you get bitten by a cat until you bleed...sometimes, you wonder where is that damned cat now?
Before, you played with the cat, loving it as your own best friend. So you can't really fathom why it bit you. But it did. And you cried.
You reminisce the good times, sometimes smiling at the thought. But then the questions resurface, and then you were taken back to what made you leave the cat. It was no good for you and you have to let it go.
Somehow.
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I think that that person really wanted to push me away from the beginning, that is why all the things said and done is inconclusive, confusing and vague.
A passive aggressive stance of manipulative fighting: push things so high up that the person would fall without you actually tipping them off the edge. Guilt-free. No visible blood on your hands. But it's there. Believe me, you're soaked in it.
But as soaked as you are, I am the one falling and hitting the ground.
People say, "Hey, you are strong and I think you'll be alright"
I hate that, actually.
So what? Does that mean I deserve and should swallow it whole?
...don't go preaching me about destiny, or I'll punch you in the face.
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But yes, I know I'll be alright. No doubt about that.

Natrah: Lost soul?

Last Saturday I went to see the staging of Natrah at Istana Budaya with my sis, cousins+ their significant others ;).
The performance was alright, but we didn't get the best seats because the theater was packed to the brim and there were no other available tickets. However, I didn't mind much as I was interested with the story ;)

Setting aside the theater performance and script (which was for me OK laa), I find myself more fascinated about the underlying questions of the whole Natrah situation.
...before I go further, I want to state that I am no authority on this issue and whatever is written here are just thoughts generated by random networks in my brain. So don't go all defensive on me ok? :p

I don't know what I'd do if I'm in Natrah's shoes. I really can't kid myself that I'd be stronger in resisting the constant interference in my life and faith. Plus, she was only 13. Sometimes I think that her life is too controlled by outside forces that to the end her choices are often not her own....but that is only an outsider's observation, the truth in her heart will never be revealed to us.

I think that what happened to Natrah is not a tragedy to Islam. As someone I know once said, "if in her heart she is Islam, then she won't deviate". But if she is not, then we would have to pray that Allah in all His mercy would lighten the path for her to come back to Islam. Please know and remember that while we fought for her to remain Islam, the other side is also fighting for the exact same reason. So actually, it's fair game because each side believes that they are the divine right. To me, the real culprit is the Locke guy who tricked Che Aminah into coming to Singapore. What he did was mischievious but cunning.

I think the question whether or not Natrah should remain a Muslim should be entirely her own once she is of age. However, is coming of age alone is enough? I wonder...assuming that Natrah is so gullible to outside forces and unable to take a stand, can her judgment be taken as the ultimatum, as the defining parameter of what should be done? Giving or placing anything to the undeserving is the definition of zalim (cruelty) right? When is someone rendered unfit to make decisions?

Another thing, the story narrated in the performance is implying that the colonialist are unrespectful of the law and rules in Islam. But as my fully qualified lawyer sis said, Natrah is not a question of religion, but rather a question of the right to custody. The league they were fighting in is not religion, but the court of law. I am not saying that rules in Islam should abide by the civil laws but what authority Islam has in that particular setting? Islam does not have the power to impose its will on others because at that time even Malaya didn't practice Shariah laws. Here we are, screaming "bangsat penjajah" and other terms along the same line. Who'll care? This pointless anger to me is in total disharmony to the need to understand in Islam. Who would believe a raving fanatic with a shiny blade that threaten everyone to believe he's advocating peace? What the eyes see is the total opposite to what the ears hear and what the heart feel. We have to change this, somehow.

However, what I conclude for myself after watching the performance is that truth does not depend on how many wins or loses. If it does, then how wrong we all are because we keep losing eventhough our numbers exceed the small white bubbles formed by the waves as it crashed to the shore. We weakly disappear, as if we never were there before.

Subdued light of the heart

Whether you call my heart affectionate, or you call it womanish: I confess, that to my misfortune, it is soft.

~Ovid (BC 43-AD 18) Roman poet.

Yesterday I watched Twilight.
With all the talk going on and constant mention by Aini, it's impossible to hold off from it.
The movie was ordinary but I think that to truly understand the story we have to see it from the author's narrative: that is by reading the book.
But I'm thinking that if I were to read it, I'd start wishing again. I never even finished Ayat-ayat Cinta because of the same reason. The book is there, I do want to read it, but I don't think I can take it.
So I'd settle with the movie, for now. Even just by watching the movie I was moved by the character Edward Cullen (Aini, I totally get it now why you're so in love with him! I am too! haha), so by reading the book I know I'd fall for a fictitious character.
I don't know why gazillion other girls fall for Edward, but for me it's because of the fact that he actually wants to be with Bella with such intensity in a way that seem to me not degrading himself as a guy. It is as if he is truly sincere. He actually wants to hear her stories, being genuinely interested and caring. Loving her in the only way he knows how: Vampire-style :p
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Haha, I think I'd stop now. This is getting ridiculous ;)

p/s: I have a sudden urge to go to the beach, even if I know the monsoon season is ongoing now. I like staring out the horizon, seeing the waves come to the sand to break into tiny white bubbles. The end nowhere in sight and possibilities are endless. By the ocean, worries float away as time stood still. Hopes and prayers are sent above to set the heart free from the ties of the world that hold it down.
Yes, I miss the ocean.