Refrain from the guessing game

I notice nowadays my heart feels like jelly again.

And I also notice that emotions sometimes have a physical effect. Like when you're angry, the anger wells up like a burning fire in your heart. Or like when you're sad and the throat constricts so much that it is difficult to breathe and speak.

Words too have the same effect.

Like hearing a bad news, the persons affected shoulder's involuntarily slump and the back bent as if bearing a great burden. They are only carrying their hearts you know, in sadness it becomes too heavy that the body cannot take it. Or when you're sparring with the ones around you, the words cut like a knife. Suddenly the atmosphere that was heated before becomes an icy silence. And all you wish for is to go to another place where you're free of all these things that tie you down.

But it is not only for the sad emotions, the happy ones have physical effects too.

Like when you're silently happy and content your face will glow and the cheeks become rosy. Or when you're ecstatic the hearts feels like its gonna leap out and tell the world why it is so happy about.

It's all part of your body language I suppose. The body can never lie. As the eye is the window to your soul, the rest of your body is also testament to your true intentions, your true emotions.

No wonder when we are judged in the hereafter, the mouth is kept shut. There is really no need for its lame reasons and rationalizations as the rest of our being would be a far honest witness with no underlying agenda.

However, keep this truth just as a reminder. Not as an ammo for judging people. You could never decipher the signs and decode the message of their intentions as we are weak and have no knowledge of the soul of others. Believe me, all the guesswork will just make you bitter. You're better off asking them the answers to your whys. Miscommunication is almost always the cause of our wars anyway.

Don't weigh down the little things

Alert! [another stressed out entry]

Our sense of justice sometimes would cause us pain.

Our sense of right and wrong, without flexibility would hurt us like a thorn in the heart.

In the beginning the wound seems small and that we can ignore it by burying it in the far corners of our mind, hoping someday it will be erased and forgotten in time.

However, it often doesn't work that way. The thorn instead become diseased, full with pus and will poison our whole being. The only way through this is to expand your heart and be like the ocean. A drop of poison won't make a difference in the ocean but it would be deadly in a little pool of water.

.

.

.

I feel that in times of crisis, our sense of justice and eye for detail would be super sensitive. Little insignificant things become massive and if it doesn't go the way we want it to, then we would feel wronged and hurt. In short, we all become supersensitive. But only to our own self, absorbed in our own hurt. We instead of being aware of our surroundings, we become numb to others and wallowing in our sorrow.

Sometimes we want to be brave, and we keep it all bottled inside instead of accepting it and this often causes us to feed the volcano in us, that burn more with each feeling of injustice. One day, it will all burst and destroy everything in its wrath.

So imagine, if every single thing you let touch your heart as if people are going out of their way just to step on your feet, then your heart is not even like a pool of water, but rather like a puddle. I want to be like the ocean because I detest those who are more like puddles. This is one of the main reasons why one of my birthday resolutions is to have an open heart: lebih berjiwa besar. Little things shouldn't have a big effect on you. Why weigh down your heart and mind over little insignificant things right? Better we invest all that energy into something more useful than negativity.

.

.

.

In difficult and challenging times, people are tired. Everyone is trying hard to be strong, so sometimes in our frail efforts of doing it right we do it wrong without even realizing it. So careful of not messing it up in one area, we mess up other areas. Each time without intent.

I know I hurt you many times, but none was on purpose. Words vomited out in moments of impatience and temper was followed immediately by regret. Maybe it is too much to ask you to understand, because you have too much on your mind too.

Compassion is not easy to come by, and I know it is not fair of me to demand it.

A simple "sorry" just won't do.

Haih...

As I said before, sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this.

Dreaming out loud

I am at the hospital now, vigilantly hoping for the best.

Sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this.

I don't know what I am doing most of the time and each time it turns out the way it did was entirely by divine intervention.

During these times, the insignificance of our efforts is a stark contrast to the finality of destiny. But destiny is not a fixed thing you know, it could be easily changed with a powerful kun fayakun by Allah the Almighty.

.

.

.

It'd be good, to have someone that wants to hear your stories for the day. And then rest your shoulders together at the end of the story because each other is the only source of comfort.

It would be different, I think.

I am unsure, but I sure hope so.

I think it is unfair that you give me just a glimpse of that world I've never known but hope to be in. I thought I saw you during that isolated moment in time, but that may very well be just a figment of my imagination. Just me dreaming out loud.

But let that be in the incessant anticipation of the ever changing future.

For now, the world would go on as it should be.

Because in the end, everything would be as it should be.