I don't like promises.
It makes people wait.
This is true for every kind of promise.
When you say a promise, even if for you it is only just a passing comment, please realize that the one asking for that promise has actually invested hope in that promise.
If there is no hope in seeing it be fulfilled, why would that person ask for it right?
Please don't let promises fall out your mouth like it is only empty words.
Yes, it is easy to put aside a friend or family.
They would accept you back for whatever s**t you deal them with. But please don't take it for granted boleh?
At least a full explanation that justifies the delay or the breaking of that promise would make it easier to swallow.
Sometimes promises are just like dried leaves and branches on the sidewalk that you accidentally, mindlessly stomp and break while going about your daily life.
The most pathetic thing is, it has been on my mind for more than a week and yesterday I can't even sleep thinking about it. I was actually excited and looking forward to the fulfillment of that promise. But incidentally, my time investment is in vain.
In the end, I think of just one word: disappointed.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Will you bet your heart on that?
“I heard you were a player , okay , lets play a game.
We'll flirt, play fights, talk 24/7, say goodmorning and goodnight every day, give each other nicknames, hang out, talk on the phone for hours, take cute pictures together, make promises to each other and hold each other.
And whoever falls in love first, loses."
~Lyla Tyela Belikov
We'll flirt, play fights, talk 24/7, say goodmorning and goodnight every day, give each other nicknames, hang out, talk on the phone for hours, take cute pictures together, make promises to each other and hold each other.
And whoever falls in love first, loses."
~Lyla Tyela Belikov
Monday, December 24, 2012
Nothing less than extraordinary
The other day, weeks before this day, several of work colleagues and me went to a restaurant to chill out after a long day at work. Then suddenly the topic turned to love stories.
Haish...
I dreaded it because mine were stories that have never been. Like the promise of rain, and you put off all your plans for a picnic because you heard the thunder roaring. There you are, in your best Summer dress with the big hat and all, stalling all plans just because you don't want to ruin a perfectly planned day. You called your love up, saying sorry, maybe another day. But then, all that happened were a brief shower of tiny raindrops and the sun didn't even bother to stop shining. You finally go out, and see with melancholic eyes the distant rainbow in the sky. The world fell silent, hoping that the rainbow can make it up to you because of a ruined plan with a loved one. In the end, all you are left with is only the rainbow that makes you rain in the eyes because you know that your love will never ever see you again. Because you see, it never rained there at the place he is waiting.
.
.
.
Whatever the case is, all we can do is to move on. Hoping that something will finally come through. It's either the rain will fall or it doesn't. The important thing is, he waits.
Why waste time for someone who wouldn't even wait for you, especially if it is for the right reasons right?
Then after every one has told their story and I can't evade it anymore, I told my story as if I was offended with Batik Jawa. Maybe I was. Who knows? Even I was not sure. But now I've come to a conclusion as to why I was so hurt. I think he didn't even love me or like me or whatever. Why? Because he is so methodical about it. Having a checklist and all. Like this:
For me, love has a kind of irrationality in it. Not the stupid kind, mind you. It is as simple as two people who want to be with each other, and will do anything, everything to make that possibility a reality. If you are able to be rational in love then maybe you are not yet blessed by it. It may be disguising itself as love, but actually it is some other mediocre sensation like fulfilling a requirement or just testing the waters.
So for me, love is a fire that burns in your heart. If it is lukewarm, it is disappointing. A love like that is just like a biscuit that is dunked in a lukewarm drink. You have to keep stirring the biscuit for it to soak in the drink. But then you dunked it too long that when you finally pulled it out, it resembled a flaccid flour abomination that would break and fall into the drink any time. When you put it on your tongue, you close your eyes a bit because it taste disgustingly soft and cold.
If the water is hot, you just dunk it a couple of seconds in the steaming drink and the biscuit will absorb the drink and plus retain a bit of the original crunchiness that biscuits are supposed to have. If you dunk it a second too long then it will break and fall into the water. But you are not disappointed, because the important thing is the water is hot. Biscuits are aplenty. Let it fall, let it fall because it was not meant for you anyway.
So no, I pray that I won't have to settle for mediocrity in love or life. That would be a life sentence of boredom for the rest of my days. I've waited this long, so it must be worth it.
Haish...
I dreaded it because mine were stories that have never been. Like the promise of rain, and you put off all your plans for a picnic because you heard the thunder roaring. There you are, in your best Summer dress with the big hat and all, stalling all plans just because you don't want to ruin a perfectly planned day. You called your love up, saying sorry, maybe another day. But then, all that happened were a brief shower of tiny raindrops and the sun didn't even bother to stop shining. You finally go out, and see with melancholic eyes the distant rainbow in the sky. The world fell silent, hoping that the rainbow can make it up to you because of a ruined plan with a loved one. In the end, all you are left with is only the rainbow that makes you rain in the eyes because you know that your love will never ever see you again. Because you see, it never rained there at the place he is waiting.
.
.
.
Whatever the case is, all we can do is to move on. Hoping that something will finally come through. It's either the rain will fall or it doesn't. The important thing is, he waits.
Why waste time for someone who wouldn't even wait for you, especially if it is for the right reasons right?
Then after every one has told their story and I can't evade it anymore, I told my story as if I was offended with Batik Jawa. Maybe I was. Who knows? Even I was not sure. But now I've come to a conclusion as to why I was so hurt. I think he didn't even love me or like me or whatever. Why? Because he is so methodical about it. Having a checklist and all. Like this:
Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages. ~Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past: Cities of the Plain, 1922See? You understand now?
For me, love has a kind of irrationality in it. Not the stupid kind, mind you. It is as simple as two people who want to be with each other, and will do anything, everything to make that possibility a reality. If you are able to be rational in love then maybe you are not yet blessed by it. It may be disguising itself as love, but actually it is some other mediocre sensation like fulfilling a requirement or just testing the waters.
So for me, love is a fire that burns in your heart. If it is lukewarm, it is disappointing. A love like that is just like a biscuit that is dunked in a lukewarm drink. You have to keep stirring the biscuit for it to soak in the drink. But then you dunked it too long that when you finally pulled it out, it resembled a flaccid flour abomination that would break and fall into the drink any time. When you put it on your tongue, you close your eyes a bit because it taste disgustingly soft and cold.
If the water is hot, you just dunk it a couple of seconds in the steaming drink and the biscuit will absorb the drink and plus retain a bit of the original crunchiness that biscuits are supposed to have. If you dunk it a second too long then it will break and fall into the water. But you are not disappointed, because the important thing is the water is hot. Biscuits are aplenty. Let it fall, let it fall because it was not meant for you anyway.
So no, I pray that I won't have to settle for mediocrity in love or life. That would be a life sentence of boredom for the rest of my days. I've waited this long, so it must be worth it.
Don't overthink and just do it
Sometimes I overthink when praying for something I want real bad.
"Is this really supposed to be mine?"
"Is this the best for me?"
But then, just praying generally "I hope for the best in this life and the Hereafter" is not enough to satiate my soul.
I still want things. I still want attention. I still want everything that is mine and more.
Thus, the specific prayers.
But, specific is still not specific enough. It is still more specific than just the best in this life and the hereafter, but not to the extent of detailing every single thing.
I still believe wholeheartedly that Allah knows what is in our hearts, what is our weakness and sadness. So what we whisper in our hearts is also a form of prayer, because who are we whispering to if not to Allah?
He knows what we need, long before we even realize that we need it.
He knows what we want now, and only gives it to us when the time is right.
The funny thing is, sometimes we want things so bad, but then we easily forget about them. So sometimes we don't even realize that our prayers have been answered.
~*~*~*~*
I secretly suspect that some people wanted the world to end 21/12/12. But reflecting on how lightly we treat this prophecy, I was stunned by a FB status of a friend that more or less goes along the lines of, "Even if it isn't the end of the world, don't forget that it could be the end of your world."
So why mock the Mayans when there is pure evidence that we can drop dead at any time?
Yes, remembering that death is always with us is hard, because I also fail in this. When seeing this status baru terkejut.
~*~*~*~*
Lastly, approaching the end of this year, please settle as may as you can the whatever issues or questions that lies in your heart (a reminder to myself also). Time, if not destiny will sort everything out exactly in the way it should be in the end anyway. Enter the new year with as few carry-over problems as possible!
"Is this really supposed to be mine?"
"Is this the best for me?"
But then, just praying generally "I hope for the best in this life and the Hereafter" is not enough to satiate my soul.
I still want things. I still want attention. I still want everything that is mine and more.
Thus, the specific prayers.
But, specific is still not specific enough. It is still more specific than just the best in this life and the hereafter, but not to the extent of detailing every single thing.
I still believe wholeheartedly that Allah knows what is in our hearts, what is our weakness and sadness. So what we whisper in our hearts is also a form of prayer, because who are we whispering to if not to Allah?
He knows what we need, long before we even realize that we need it.
He knows what we want now, and only gives it to us when the time is right.
The funny thing is, sometimes we want things so bad, but then we easily forget about them. So sometimes we don't even realize that our prayers have been answered.
~*~*~*~*
I secretly suspect that some people wanted the world to end 21/12/12. But reflecting on how lightly we treat this prophecy, I was stunned by a FB status of a friend that more or less goes along the lines of, "Even if it isn't the end of the world, don't forget that it could be the end of your world."
So why mock the Mayans when there is pure evidence that we can drop dead at any time?
Yes, remembering that death is always with us is hard, because I also fail in this. When seeing this status baru terkejut.
~*~*~*~*
Lastly, approaching the end of this year, please settle as may as you can the whatever issues or questions that lies in your heart (a reminder to myself also). Time, if not destiny will sort everything out exactly in the way it should be in the end anyway. Enter the new year with as few carry-over problems as possible!
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