Stubborn fools

People do not wish to appear foolish; to avoid the appearance of foolishness, they are willing to remain actually fools
~Alice Walker

Every 5 minutes I kept glancing at my watch, "Oh, I'm running late and I haven't done my prayers yet. Oh, minta2 x kena panah petir!"

So I hurried a bit in doing the sample processing. Then when I arrived at one of the steps in the process that allow me to have 45 minutes on the timer, I went to the ladies' surau for Asar prayer. This is part and parcel of a postgraduate life: every moment dictated by the timer.
However, arriving at the surau I saw a cleaner girl wearing the telekung and rummaging through the few religious book they keep on the rack. Ah, at least I'm not alone. I smiled and she smiled politely back. She seem quite young, I wouldn't put her past early 20s. She has a yellowish complexion and although her face has red little acne marks, it doesn't mar her beauty. I still think her as pleasant to look at. She also looked new on the job as she didn't seem quite at ease in the surau. However, I didn't say anything to her as I hurried to perform my prayers as I was afraid I would be late and be struck by lightning.

After I finished and was just sitting on the prayer mat I noticed something disturbing: she is sitting on her prayer rug but facing a completely different kiblat from me! It was about 45 degrees off from the actual direction. The difference was so stark that it's as if our two prayer mats were forming an inverted 'V' shape.

I was puzzled and confused: didn't she see the direction I'm facing while solat? Ok, so maybe she doesn't believe me, ye la, muka xleh percaye je ni. But then, UiTM has put the kiblat direction on the ceiling, even the tiles are arranged in such a way to reflect the kiblat. All plain as day. Why does she choose to ignore all these and just go on with the thick headed idea of just praying facing anywhere she feels like it?

I was at a war with myself, what do I do? She is already grown up and should have known better. Oh, I really don't like if I have to be the one stating the obvious.

Then I said, "Kak, kenapa tak ikut arah kiblat tu?" while my hand is pointing toward the kiblat sign and one eyebrow upward. She just looked at me dumbly with big innocent eyes and said softly, "Oh, bukan arah ni ke?" and then mumbling something unintelligible. Then she moved her rug toward the right direction and never glanced at me again. I half expected her to solat again but she didn't. I was doubly confused...doesnt' she have to repeat? She is not doing anything, just sitting there on the rug staring out to space, most likely daydreaming. I was confused and I didn't know what to do, so I just shrugged my shoulders and left..all the while thinking: I would never want to be like those kind of people that turn their backs at the truth even when the truth stare at them in the face. It was so obvious! What do these people want? Does the sign have to be adorned with bright blinking neon lights to make her see and heed?

Actually, this is not the first time you know, the other day I also spotted a group of girls doing the same thing. That was more frustating as they are facing a different kiblat among all the other students there, and there were many! And the other students said nothing: maybe they didn't notice or couldn't care less. I also told these girls the right kiblat, but then they just said, "oh, ye ke" and then do nothing. Are they blind? Or do they need proof? Maybe they don't believe the kiblat sign on the ceiling, in their heads: what is your proof saying that direction is right and ours is wrong? --- I really don't know what to say. It is beyond me.

For me, this is concrete proof that truth is not ours: it is ultimately Allah's because it is He who determine who gets the revelation or not. If they refuse to see the truth, for whatever reason, we can't do anything but pray that someday they'll get back on track.

Sometimes, all the signs are there that it is bordering on stupid to ignore them and just go on with our distorted idea of perfect living. The question of why we don't want to follow the true path is valid and we should all ask ourselves that.

Why resist when the signs are so clear?

Maybe no one knows the answer to this. You have the knowledge, the ability and the freedom but if you choose to go down the dark road...no one can save you except Allah. Period.

Orang tua nyanyuk

Sometimes I think my heart is made of jelly. I shake and precariously on the edge of toppling over at the slightest touch.
Ah, maybe it's just me getting old: nowadays I easily get hurt, especially concerning loved ones. I can't communicate as I think they would say, "Apalah Kak Lisa ni" and just shrug off what I wanted to say as insignificant and unnecessary.
Maybe this is how old people with dementia (nyanyuk) feels.

Oh, tuanya saya rasa!

Back 2 Good

Back 2 Good - Matchbox 20


Lyrics | Matchbox 20 lyrics - Back 2 Good lyrics

When this song is played, I picture myself in a dimly lit coffee house with a live band on stage.
There are little round wooden tables with plain white sheets that look almost orange under the lighting. There are not many people there, just some minding their own business and having quiet unnecessary conversations.
I'd sit alone at a corner table, drinking up the atmosphere and drown myself in the music. At the side of my table, there is a couple of old lovers. The woman was dressed in a green sequined dress and wore heavy makeup, as if trying to erase the years under thick layers of chalk. The man was unassuming, just looking at the band onstage as if not really hearing anything and seeing right through the walls. Maybe the couple is just doing a routine night out, just as they did for the past 30 years. Thinking back about the events that move them to this moment, they are lost in the thousands of possibilities that they could experience. There are no new memories, just a great desire to reminisce and re-live the old times.
Silent.
All the what-ifs and whys are taking a toll on the way people see the world. All the questions that constantly assail our confidence in others would eventually erode it bit by bit until the hard truths stare out at you.
However, sometimes the questions arise from our own insecurity and the need to belong and accepted. Looking through this perspective, sometimes we see and feel things that are really not there at all. We can never know what the other is feeling and thinking: so to contemplate on these things would only bring ruin.
People sometimes don't understand why people don't or won't understand them. For me, what is there to understand? Can't we live with our differences and search for a way to go round them? People are always worked up about being the victim, about always being the one so wronged. Dramatize life, so that we can rationalize our failures and shortcomings.
Some things are better left unsaid. Some things are best left unsaid. Let it go.
If we don't, we will never get it back to good. No one is backing down, so everyone is going nowhere. In the end we are just left with memories of possibilities, lonely in our decision to always be right regardless of the consequences.
Well, it is really important, you know... to be right.

Biar jelas

Sangat setuju dengan artikel ini.
Hahaha, mmg best kata-kata ustaz, "Selamat menduda kerana-Nya"
kalau perempuan, takkan nak kata "Selamat menjanda kerana-Nya"?
Memang susah untuk jadi ganjil. Menjadi berlawanan daripada arus bukanlah sesuatu yang fitrah, kita kena paksakannya.
Sebenarnya yang setuju sangat tu bukan apa, cuma sangat tertarik pada approach ustaz. Memang perlu beri isyarat yang jelas, tiada kiasan-kiasan apabila melibatkan soal hati. Kalau dah sampai takat dia meluahkan perasaannya, janganlah bersikap zalim dengan alasan mahu "menjaga hati" lalu memberi isyarat-isyarat yang boleh ditafsir seribu makna. Nak ke taknak? Sebab dia akan tunggu kau. Kalau taknak, cakap dengan jelas. Boleh move on, kau pun mungkin bukanlah yang paling baik untuk dia.
Tentang hal ber'couple' sebelum kahwin, I'm 50-50. Still thinking about it. Bagus juga kalau kenal, tapi kalau sampai "kenal" melampaui batas, pastilah tidak setuju. Tengok dari perspektif mana pun, pakai logik mana pun: perempuan juga yang rugi. Ingat tu.

Pixeled view

Change is necessary for several reasons, and you completely understand that. After all, change is second nature to you -- the more sudden the better. Still, even you occasionally have a problem adapting to something startling that's handed down from on high -- especially if it happens without your input. Fortunately, everything that's going on now was more or less personally orchestrated by you. Count your blessings and resolve to be patient if it's not always this way.

Hey, look at my horoscope today.
I like to read horoscopes, not because I totally believe what it says and follow it to the tee but I like the sayings. For me, it's like a personal quote just for me.
For this one, it is good advice to count your blessings and be patient when things are changing toward the direction that you rather it not be. I really believe that everything will happen as it should be.
No injustice if you look at the big picture. Don't zoom in to a pixel and say that the whole picture is just a black dot. That way, you can't see the beautiful image life is trying to show you. The life we lead now have no map, so we don't know where we'll end up in the future. You can't even tell me for sure what will transpire 2 minutes ahead of time, so don't pass judgment on things that haven't fully unraveled yet.
Sometimes things are not what they seem; you just got to have faith ;)

retromode

Whats Up - 4non blondes - 4 Non Blondes


Lyrics | 4 Non Blondes lyrics - What's Up lyrics

Broken strings

Broken Strings - James Morrison

Let me hold you
For the last time
It's the last chance to feel again
But you broke me
Now I can't feel anything

When I love you,
It's so untrue
I can't even convince myself
When I'm speaking,
It's the voice of someone else

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell you something that ain't real

Oh the truth hurts
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Oh what are we doing
We are turning into dust
Playing house in the ruins of us

Running back through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train when it's too late

Oh it tears me up
I try to hold on, but it hurts too much
I try to forgive, but it's not enough to make it all okay

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I can't tell something that ain't real

Well the truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

But we're running through the fire
When there's nothing left to save
It's like chasing the very last train
When we both know it's too late (too late)

You can't play on broken strings
You can't feel anything that your heart don't want to feel
I cant tell you something that ain't real

Well truth hurts,
And lies worse
How can I give anymore
When I love you a little less than before

Let me hold you for the last time
It's the last chance to feel again

I can't get this song out of my head.
To feel like this song is to know that feeling is futile. No use.
It is the feeling that turns into knowing that the heart is hurt so deep inside that it can't be undone.
There is no more sadness, no more tears; just a desire to let go and let it be.
The eyes that see would notice the emptiness: the eyes won't reflect anything anymore. It runs too deep and sucks everything in. The smiles would turn into just a facial change; not a mirror of happiness or content.
The nagging feeling that somehow the situation would change if you could only get away, far away from them. Let them be with their dreams and aspirations..without you in the picture. Let them reach what they desire..without you in the future. It doesn't matter anymore.

Love is still there, but it is easier to let go. No use in trying to build on ruins. So all that is needed is a final goodbye, a final kiss before it all ends. As you know, letting go would destroy you but there is simply no use pushing on. Either way, it kills.

So yes, now I know first-hand passive aggression. It is toxic.

Everybody needs a holiday to keep us sane

Yes, and after that you can revert back to your crazy life...heheh.

I had a great and fulfilling holiday: it started on 2nd - 8th June 2009.

2nd June 2009
Lili's convocation. It was a moving event, especially when they awarded the Emeritus Professor to Prof Dr Shad Saleem Faruqi from Faculty of Law. I think he really deserved it! He looked and sound so humble eventhough he is the best in his field. These are some of the quotes I managed to pick from his speech:

Mempermudahkan yang sukar dan memperindahkan yang biasa

I may be retired but I am not tired

Kalau kita buat sesuatu kerja, mesti buat dengan cergas dan bergaya

I personally like the last one: even if we fall trying, then fall with style ya ;)
Truly, just by hearing his words, you know he's a great academician and a great man.

Then, after the convo event we went to eat nasi beriani Bukhara because Lili was pining for some. Ye la, orang convo bagi la can kan..haha.
After that, the whole family except Lili went straight to Kelantan for Kak Ann's wedding. I really can't say what went on during the trip as I slept the whole time as if drugged!
yeah, I admit that I do have motion sickness but to sleep the whole trip is a record even for me. Hmm..maybe lepas geram kot sebab hutang tido buat labwork (budget kerja keras la konon :p).
At around 9.00 pm we arrived at Manik Urai. This is actually not our main destination, we just stopped there so we can meet up with Mok Chik's family and also so that the journey wouldn't be too taxing to Ayah (he is the only one driving).

3rd June 2009
Everywhere in Manik Urai you can see party flags put up because of the by-election.
After spending the night there and enjoying fresh water fish sponsored by Abe Di, we were off to Kota Bharu!
We went first to the bride's house, Kampung Sireh. There we meet up with all the cousins, aunts, uncles, great-aunts and great-uncles (yes, I have a huge family) and we had BBQ, sponsored by A.Chik n C.Bi.
Then, late in the night we went to A.Chik n C.Bi's house as they were kind enough to give us a place to stay in their house :)

4th June 2009
I woke up freezing, the air con was too efficient that I though I was in North Pole.
After getting ready and wearing baju kurung with the theme colors (pink n grey), we were off to Kg Sireh to convoy to Masjid Kg Sireh for the akad nikah.
The most annoying thing to me is that someone in the Masjid thought it'd be a great idea to vacuum the carpet just as we were trying to get ready for the akad nikah. Kot ye pun, patut buatlah nanti2 or sebelum tu. Ish...
After that is the kenduri! Haha :D. I and Ewi was suddenly in charge of serving the people at the main table where the newlyweds makan beradab. Seriously, with no briefing and no grace at all I think both of us did alright, with special help from Abe Yea.
But we didn't mind, as after that we were the ones enjoying the special menu at the newlyweds table! Haha.
Then the bride and groom sat at the pelamin but there no upacara merenjis. So people just salam-salam and take pictures. Kudos to the photographer, he really knows his stuff ;)
Early that night, there were no specific event so me and Hani decided to sing our hearts out before other people come and take over the mic. Lili and others also joined in and everything just sorta move from there. Eventually people start to come and we sang, we danced and we poco-poco the night away :). I think my cousins were shocked I let it all out that night as I was usually quiet and reserved (perasan) but I think some perspectives must have changed that night ;) and I don't really care. But hey, biasalah, orang tensen PhD mmg mcm tu, everything pales in comparison to the enormity that awaits after the holidays (labwork, supervisor, paper etc.).
Then me and the rest of the girls had a late night out at PCB, enjoying fresh coconut, colek (I think that is what they call it~ it is a bit like rojak singapura laaa) and share stories of various subjects that range from cats to Bali and everything in between ;)

5th June 2009
In the morning we went to A.Su new house to Solat Hajat and also breakfast. Then A.Chik and C.Bi sponsored lunch. Me and my sisters all pitch in to help even though there was a slight crisis ehehehehehe (alia ;) ).
This whole day we just ate, ate and ate nonstop.
We had a wealth of foods: during lunch we had variety of fresh water fish cooked in multiple styles, squid, ulam and of course, budu. During the evening we had ABC (I think me and my cousins should never open a ABC stall or all hell would break loose heheh), chicken, nuggets, fries and cake because it was Yayang's birthday.
During all this time, the singing and dancing session just went on with laughter and merriment. I even did a waltz (well, kinda) with A.Ngah hehe.
That night we had a dinner reception at Renaissance Hotel with the theme "Lagenda Melayu". Everyone was so sporting and joined into the spirit of togetherness by really committing to the theme. Some even rented their songket clothes complete with tengkolok and all, bought fake swords and even used the keris awarded as a trophy as an accessory. Some had their hair done with golden pins and so much more.
During the dinner, I acted in a pantomime organized by A.Im. This is another surprise as I never did these things before. But walawehh..I am just quiet, that don't mean I'm not up to it ;)
Maybe, just maybe I was involved in the play because I danced like crazy the night before and they 'discovered' that I am not that serious? Haha, maybe, just maybe ;)

6th June 2009
This day is the majlis sambut menantu at A.Bad's (the groom) house.
It was so hot! I was thankful for the icy cool syrup they served there.
After that me and my family went to Wakaf Che Yeh to search for keropok ikan emas Lili wanted to buy for her boss. But it was in vain as we were too early and people haven't started selling yet. Then we went to Pasar Siti Khadijah to search for it. We ended up with a bag full of keropok.
That night we went to Kg Sireh again, just to pass our time. A.Chik and C.Bi bought some durians and we all ate pulut durian :)
Originally me and my cousins (mak n pak sedara sebenarnye..but what is the term in english?? Lagipun dengar mcm tua, padahal sebaya je haha) wanted to go to PCB but everyone was just so tired and we didn't get to complete Projek 36. Maybe next time guys!

7th June 2009
This is the trip back to KL. But we really took it easy plus, there were so many cars. We stopped awhile at Manik Urai before commencing our trip. We arrived at home approx. @ 3.00 am.
That's why I am sooooo sleepy now and wasting my time writing this very long post. I can't function to do labwork. Plus, supervisor is not in..heheh ;)
Tp esok, masaklah.... have to tune my brain because....

15th June 2009 -----> deadline!!!! arrggghhhhhh!

p/s: maybe kalau rajin I'll post the pics ok?

Oyster

OYSTER

There once was an oyster, whose story I tell,
who found that some sand had got into his shell.
It was only a grain, but it gave him a great pain
for Oysters have feelings all though they're so plain
Now, did he berate the harsh workings of fate,
that had brought him to such a deplorable state?
Did he curse at the government? Cry for election?
or claim that the sea should have given him the protection?

"NO", he said to himself, as he lay a bit
"Since I can not remove it, I shall try to improve it"
Now the years have rolled around, as years always do....
and he came to his ultimate destiny as it was in queue
and the small grain of sand, that had bothered him so
was a Beautiful Pearl all richly aglow.
Now the tale has a moral for isn’t it grand
What an Oyster can do, with a morsel of sand?
What couldn't we do, if we'd only begin
With some of the thing, that gets under our skin.

~Forwarded email

End of the beginning of the end

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain all!

Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.
The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whomever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.
~Rumi

I look at life and I notice that it's filled with new beginnings. Every morning is a new day, every hour a new minute, every Monday a new week. Something is always reborn, begin again. But with all the beginnings, there is always the ending. With all the new beginnings, something must end first, destroyed and be gone to make room for beginnings.
To start over, you must end what you're doing now.
Somehow, in my heart something has ended. An era where the future is all drawn up with sure career paths has now cease to exist. It has died, maybe long before I opened my eyes to realize it.
But as the end has passed like a shadow unnoticed by some, I am here trying to build on new beginnings. I'd hide it, never revealing that something has indeed begun. If I reveal it, there is a chance that storms would crash and end the dream. Leaving me barren.

Every stroke that color your future , the tones that move the present and the hues that stain your past should be cherished and accepted as necessary in building who you are. We are all in His plan: a plan that never goes awry or need change. It is us who have to change in order to accept what was given so that we'll deliver our purpose of existence.

The trials, tribulations and success is by essence a guidance handed down to us.

I'm always fascinated by the fact that on top of managing the universe, moving evolution, overseeing the whole world and filling history in such a way that I arrive to this day; Allah s.w.t still render it worthwhile to create and test me, a miniscule being in comparison to all that He has. To contemplate on that is terrifying. To know in your consciousness that you are never alone. Never.

I think the end is near...

Senangnya sesetengah orang kan?
Tak suka, bunuh saja.

Bodohnya aku kan?
Fikir semua akan OK kalau aku positifkan diri.

Kau kata aku pandai sebab dapat 1st Class Honours?
Aku rasa biasa saja. Kau tu yang rasa kau bodoh.

Bukan salah aku kan?

Drugged

To predict the behavior of ordinary people in advance, you have to assume that they will always try to escape a disagreeable situation with the smallest expenditure of intelligence
~Friedrich Nietzsche

I am heavily drugged today.
What with the array of drugs the doctor gave me, it shoots me right up to cloud nine. I have cough syrup, paracetamol, clarinase and even vitamin C. I thought it was nothing, as my temperature was only 38C yesterday (our normal temperature is 37C, so I thought: hey, it's just 1C difference!) so I was quite shocked with the array of drugs the doctor prescribed me.

So today I am groggy.
Suddenly I wonder why do people struggle to get high?

Life: people say is like a wheel, always going up and down. So I think that if it is just going up and never wanting to touch the ground is not life but a naive dream. Being high all the time is not life; merely letting your life slip away as you continue to exist, but not live.

People who are high will fall harder when they wake up to reality. The higher you are, the harder your fall will be. When high, the senses become numb but when sober the senses become ultrasensitive and the reality of the addict will crash down hard on them, making them wanting to get high again and be free of the tugging of life.

I think addicts are very sensitive to life; they even have an almost artistic view to life.

You see too much, and what you see you don't like. Then you opt to escape life the easy but cowardly way of popping a pill or downing cough syrup that will make you lose yourself. You try to be free of your destiny by totally ignoring it and refusing to take responsibility of driving your own life. Eventually it'll work: you'll lose yourself and fade away. Like dust, you mean nothing.

To try and find yourself again would be a challenge and few people have managed to hold themselves and prevent going down the abyss of nothingness. So don't try and go down that road; you'll never come back.

Simple is Cinta

Hari ni nak cakap pasal cinta.
Bosanlah yang lain- lain. Otak jem.
Politik, drama hidup bodoh, kerja. Semua bosan.

Jom kita cakap pasal benda yang seronok: cinta. Atau kalau geli perkataan tu, kita sebut je kasih (or adakah lebih menggelikan? Love, ok x?)

Rasanya paling menghayati cinta waktu sekolah menengah. Spesifiknya waktu menengah rendah (form 1-3). Masa tu masyaAllah, gatalnyaa!! hahahaha
Masa tu minat klasmet, minat abang tu, minat abang ni, cikgu pun minat juga ;)
Mmg, masa menengah rendah adalah waktu yg paling sarat dengan kasih sayang untuk org asing.
Masa tu seronok minat orang, share ngan kawan2. Diorang spy kn untuk kita, kita spy kan utk dia. Communication network kalangan kawan2 untuk lapor pasal yg diminati mmg dashyat. Siap ada codenames lagi, untuk elak orang lain tau :D

Tapi itu kasih, minat, cinta yang simple. Mana ada diganggu faktor hidup yg kompleks seperti sekarang, expectations seperti sekarang (keinginan utk commit, utk kahwin dan sebagainya). Masa tu semua simple. Aku minat kau, kau buat2 tak tau and kita flirt dalam cara yang buatkan masing2 perasan hahahaha. Memang sweet!

Sekarang? nak letak sesiapa dalam hati pun susah, kerana takut kecewa. Dulu, kecewa x kisah. Cinta berani mati. Sebab cinta yg simple. Sedih, tp kejap je sebab senag je nk replace org yg diminati (hahaha, ye aku tau, aku minat sorang ni da nk dekat 15tahun. Dia aku x pernah replace :p ). Tapi, kisah 15 tahun dulu pun, sekarang ok je sebab tau main- main dan pasti tidak kemana-mana. So sebenarnye aku mana ada "suka" sesape sekarang.

Sekarang mane ade flirt ngan orang, padahal dulu suke gile buat skandal senyap-senyap. Sendiri sendiri perasan dan kecewa sorang- sorang. Dulu memang suka terjebak dalam aktiviti ni hehe. Tapi sekarang? xde. Xde masa, xde tenaga untuk dibazirkan untuk benda-benda yang boleh memberatkan hati.

kan best kalau boleh mengalami percintaan yang simple. Aku mahu dengar cerita kau, kau pun mahu dengar cerita aku. Kau tunggu aku, aku tunggu kau. Basically, kau mahu aku dan aku mahu kau. Yang lain- lain kita cerita nanti. Ini kita settle dulu. Kan best? ;)

Stars for today

May 08, 2009

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Big questions are swimming through your mind today -- your subconscious is in a doubting mood, and it's forcing you to wonder about the status quo. You will probably start to think about a career change -- but when you do, be careful not to assume that a new career will be a better career. Different monotony is still monotony, no matter what the new title may be. When you're contemplating change, it's important to factor in a healthy dose of reality

... hahaha. Must factor in a healthy dose of reality. Gotta keep that in mind :p

No more drama

Lyrics | Mary J Blige lyrics - No More Drama lyrics

No More Drama - Mary J. Blige

A heavy heart weighs down your mind.
The dominant emotion now is: Bored.
Bored with all the soap-opera drama.
Bored with people getting all hyped over insignificant things.
Bored with people "merajuk" and expect me to go and apologize.
Bored with people getting irrational and irate over nothing.
Bored with hypocritical people.
Bored with simple minded people.
Bored with mediocrity.
Bored with unfairness.
Bored with boring people.
.
.
.
My colour now is: blue black. Like the sores after a fight.

Why? because I think I have other important things that should have my utmost attention. My family and my PhD.
I miss my family, the precious times lost to stupid things.
I even miss my extended family and the gaths that I was unable to attend.
Know this: I carry all of you in my heart. Because it's from all of you I get my strength. Without you, I'll be what I really am: an afraid, cowardly, weak person.
and for my PhD, if you were a person I'd say, "Hold on please, let all of these drama pass first then I'll be with you again".
I want to do my work in peace!

All other things, please step aside.

p/s: Don't worry people. This blog is like a trash can. This is where I dump all the rubbish bugging my mind. I'm ok ;)

Rosalina

Ever googled your own name?
Haha. I have, just because I was bored.
I've found many songs about Rosalina, all singing about how much they love me hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I wish.

Njoy! Keep me in your hearts ya ;)

-This one's my favourite although I don't understand a word he's singing

Rosalina - Fabio Concato

-Another one. This one makes me think of Africa. I don't know why.

Rosalina - The Upbeat

-This is another song about Rosalina that I don't understand. But it has some kind of raggae feel to it hehe (some pf the lyrics sond to me like: OooOOo Rosalina nak gado :p)

rosalina - Anslom

-This video even has lyrics. It's in some kind of Indonesian diaelect. I don't understand, but hey, they're singing about a girl named Rosalina :)


Rosalina - ADC Voices

-Hahahaha, at last! A song that I could understand. Hehe, sweet, but kinda slow for me

Complicated

When something is so complicated, what do you do?
Do you go angry at that thing for being so complicated that you couldn't figure it out? Do you go around and say: "You are too complicated, it is your fault. I wont waste my time anymore with you" ?
Haha.
Funny are those with simplistic minds. Something so big can't be fit into something so small. Open up! Be free of your ideals. Let them guide you, careful not to be trapped by them.

If in my line of work I adhere to this line of thinking, I'd quit in no time. Abstract and complex situations in nature won't bow to old concepts. Everyday is a challenge, don't let your mind trap you into thinking that something should follow a predetermined set of rules: "It is supposed to like this, suppose to be like that, shouldn't be like this, shouldn't act like that...yada yada yada"
Remember, you are just one insignificant person: you can not thrust your ideals into someone else because what you consider right might not be so for other. Don't be so egoistic.
Do not be afraid of change. The world won't stop just because you can't catch up.
Celebrate the differences in each of us because that is what makes each of us unique. I won't change myself for your sake.
Dynamics is the order of the world. Everything moves in motion. Change is the only constant.
**********

I've been stuck at a certain point of my research for over a year now. Yes, it is complicated. But will the PCR simplify itself for me? Will the reagents realize how much effort I've given the method and sympathize? The answer is a flat no. But that doesn't stop me, I'm going to figure it out. Somehow. I don't know how, but I'd try. Try until there's nothing left of me.
Like Sha said to me, "You sure you've done everything? Everything?"
I can't honestly say I did. I don't sleep in the lab, I don't dedicate all the 24hours of my life for this particular problem. In truth, I admit that I've not given it my everything. So I have no excuse: I have to keep trying.

...And then we wait.

I hate it when...

I think I am quite traditional ini a number of things. Petty things that won't matter to anyone sometimes tick me off and make me VERY annoyed. Example of my pet peeve:

1. I hate it when other people without a greeting or even a smile go into the lab/room as if they have a clue of what they're doing, look around, look at me with a blank snobbish face and then go out. Have you no manners?? There I was, standing in front of them in plain view but still they don't ask me anything. Sometimes these people just do whatever they want, without asking for permission eventhough they are outsiders. Ah..how I wish I could knock their heads and say, "Hello, did you leave your manners at home?"

2. I don't like it when people text me without a greeting first. Is it too much to ask for a simple "Hi" "Salam" "Hello"???? To me, I'd see it as arrogance in your part. You dare to ask for something and want me to respond without ever acknowledging me first. You think you're so important that I have to bow to your every whim? Aiyoh...it is common courtesy, people!

3. I simply hate it when I am talking to somebody online, suddenly the person is gone without a word and then expect me to understand and move on with my life? Is it too much to ask for "sorry, I got to go" or "Something came up. Catch you later". Again, this is common courtesy. Who are you to make them wait? Why leave them hanging like that? It makes me feel stupid; talking to someone who is not even there. Suddenly when you wondered wth they've gone, you notice a little note: gone to play ball or out to lunch. Is that person so undeserving of your attention that you treat them like that? Grr.

...hmmph. Finally I got that out of my chest. These are the things most commonly done by men but the 1st one usually by women. Why? Beats me, I still can't figure it out why they often lack basic social graces and etiquette. "Ah, I didn't realize it" is a really shitty reason ok. Treat others as you want to be treated. That's simple enough, right?

A piece of me, anyone?

If all through the day all you can think about is how to get your next meal, where to sleep tonight and whether tomorrow you have to think about this all over again... how would you find the time to think about other things?
This is why poverty strips the people of the chance of realizing its full potential. They are thinking about how to survive the next day, so they don't give a damn about the rest of the world. If it is hard to even stand up, how in the world could we move forward?

Right?

If all your days are filled with reminders of unfinished work, unmet deadlines and constant nagging of superiors...how could we think about anything else but work?
This is why people engrossed in only one thing in life would only get what they busted their asses for. These people won't or can't even spare a minute for their hobbies or anything they like doing: reading a good book or writing a good entry in their blog. In their minds, these "minor" things is dwarfed by the desire to excel in their chosen fields.

But I want more. I need more.

Sometimes, I feel guilty. I can't seem to balance my life to include all required elements that would make my life whole. I don't blame anyone, it is my failure and my failure alone.
I cant seem to multitask! How to plan my life in such a way that it'll be balanced?
Sometimes I see myself like a pie: I would cut myself into little pieces and give it out for everyone that wants me. Right now, I don't know who's getting the biggest piece.

What every element (family, self, work) demand from me is not anything more than what they should get from me. What they want is something that I should give them in the first place; they should not even have to ask it from me in the first place because it is my duty, my responsibility to them. Them: family, supervisor, friends, self.
Pada diriku ada hak- hak mereka yang perlu aku tunaikan untuk mereka.
Janganlah diriku ini sampai zalim: meletakkan sesuatu bukan pada tempatnye; memberi atau menahan sesuatu bukan pada yang sepatutnya.

Ya Allah, peliharalah diriku dari itu. Amin.

Brainwashed: The aftermath

Yesterday my labmates and I got brainwashed [you must work in a better way, what they did was for the best for all, they are good people...yada yada yada].
Did the session succeed? Well, I don't know.
As I see it, people tend to look at the same event with different lenses. So, because of this they see different things. Because of this simple reason I think the brainwashing session won't give the same effect to everyone.
To me, when I stepped into the room I bring with me a set of emotions, knowledge and past experiences that act as a lens for me to view the situation. Different people have different set of emotion, knowledge and experience so they possess lens that are different from me.
When I talked to some of my labmates, the conclusions they drew from the meeting was different from me; sometimes even something that I've never thought before.
From this experience I could see the importance of communication: each party MUST understand wth the other party is talking about and what is their true intention. This must be made clear and articulated clearly. It is even better to put it in writing so that things would not go out of focus.
If not, the grey areas left behind as loops between the blacks and whites of a situation would give ample room for speculation. Speculation leads to what? Distorted image and chaos in addition to needless hurt and tortured souls (sorry for the exaggeration :p ).
Surely, we don't want that in an organization. Otherwise, the organization would be weak. Like a house made of paper that would be destroyed when tested with just a gust of wind or a splash of rain. Gone.

Burn

Tell me: if you speak louder, does that make you right? Does advantage in the decibels of your voice make you more correct?
NO.
I know that.
However, it is hard to stand your ground when people are shouting and intimidating you to thrust their ideas into your head and make your walls crumble. This is a psychological war: the one with more mental strength would come out the victor but not necessarily prove they are right.
That is why when faced with a hostile opponent, distance yourself. Calm down, let them burn in their wrath alone. Don't get burned too.

Hell on earth

You know when people say "Heaven is a place on earth" like in the Abba song?
Well, I don't know about heaven but I do know a place that could be a candidate for "Hell on earth". It is my lab.

Malap

---Jiwang Alert!---

Kubiarkan cahaya bintang memilikimu
Kubiarkan angin yang pucat dan tak habis-habisnya
Gelisah, tiba-tiba menjelma isyarat, merebutmu …
Entah kapan kau bisa kutangkap

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

15 tahun adalah sela masa yang terlalu lama.
Pasti ada yang telah berubah, namun pasti ada juga yang masih kekal.
Menunggu dalam gelap, merenung cahaya yang kian malap dan mungkin hilang bila-bila masa.
Andai waktu itu datang sebelum aku mampu bergerak dan mencari cahaya lain, aku pasti rebah dalam kegelapan.
Sebenarnya aku sekarang tidak lagi mendambakan cahaya itu menjadi semakin terang. Aku berasa cukup dengan mengingat keindahan yang pernah suatu masa menjadi milikku, walaupun hanya dalam angan- angan.
Aku inginkan cahaya lain sekarang. Cahaya yang lain. Pasti tidak akan sama, namun itulah yang terbaik. Yang dahulu biarkan berlalu.
Aku sebenarnya tidak tahan dalam kegelapan. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku cahaya.

Project title: LIFE

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night'
~Charles M. Schulz

What is the state of life I'm currently in?
Hmm...
I've always subject my actions and words to close scrutiny after end of each day. I'll evaluate and re-evaluate everything before going to bed each night.
Sometimes I don't even wait till the end of the day: I evaluate my actions and words right after the event. This means that I've always attempted to view my life with a helicopter-like perspective. To take a step back and be a stranger looking in a little window of my life.
Then, after I finish assessing my conduct, I'll move on to analyze and interpret the words and actions of others. Whether or not I agree with them, what are their motivations for saying/doing something, what are the reasons of their actions and how did I contribute to the situation. Ultimately, I use all of the information gathered after all the analysis to answer the question: What can I do to better myself?
I am not perfect, far from it. To be a perfect being, you need to experience everything. EVERYTHING. So in this short period of life that each of us is given, we can't have it all. It is impossible for a mere human to be perfect because all of us are certain to meet death.
So how?
I think the best that we can do is to be as perfect as humanly possible. We can take a leaf from someone else's book of life: learn their experiences, their mistakes, their strength, their successes, their story. Then, mirror that in your own life by picturing the possible pitfalls and the possible route to the top. However, don't forget to analyze yourself as well. If you're fooled once, thats OK coz you're a newbie. If you're fooled twice it's still ok coz maybe you're just careless. But thrice? Maybe you're bordering on stupid haha :p
You are, after all, the main subject matter in the experiment called "Your own Life". Don't fail the test!


...and this is definately going take more than one night.

Revolusi bilis

--merapu Alert!!--

Revolusi - Bunkface

Aku keliru
menjadi buntu
arah yang ingin ku tuju

Rasa resah ku
kian celaru
dengan ilham ku tempuh

Aku cuma mahukan
bayangan resah ku akan hilang
tapi keadaan memaksa
menghadapi semua

OO.. OH OO..OH

Inikah revolusi
atau hanya ilusi
bagaikan mimipi jadi realiti

Rasional diriku
rasional dirimu
penentu masa
masa depan ku

Adakah masa
menjadi punca
diriku dalam dilema

Benarkah anjakkan paradigma
susuli ku terima

Aku cuma mahukan
bayangan resah ku akan hilang
tapi keadaan memaksa
menghadapi semua

Sebelum keadaan memungkinkan revolusi, keadaan itu perlu dahulu menjadi kacau-bilau, tak tentu arah, semua baik dan buruk bercampur baur.
To choose revolution would be like choosing to walk through fire barefoot and hoping that somehow you'll make it through.
The fire will test you, like the heat that burn ceramic. If there is any cracks to the otherwise smooth surface, the fire would expose the weakness. A crack or hole can never withstand the heat and pressure and thus cause the vase to break into pieces.
But if there are no cracks, the blazing fire will strengthen and harden the vase.
It is the same with you. If you dare to walk through fire, ensure that there are no weakness in your heart- only courage. Otherwise, you'll break due to the stress on your shoulder that eats away your heart.
I'm dire need of a revolution.
.
.
.
.
I want to graduate and be free of all this!

Rasional diriku
rasional dirimu
penentu masa
masa depan ku

Kalau salah seorang x rasional macam mana?
It's like this: kalau ikan paus dengan ikan paus bergaduh, boleh ke ikan bilis melepaskan diri? Boleh, kalau dia pandai. Tapi kalau silap langkah, ikan paus tu buka mulut je, da termakan ikan bilis tanpa dia sedari. Seekor ikan bilis dalam mulut ikan paus...mane dia nak perasan kan?!!
Lagi sadis kalau ikan bilis tu berangan nak lawan ikan paus. Dia lupa dia ikan bilis. Baik lupakan sahaja.
.
.
.
Lainlah kalau boleh minta tolong jerung! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA (gelak jahat lagi menakutkan).

Reflected dimensions

Wow.
Tu je yang boleh cakap sekarang.
It has always puzzled me how people up front could be totally different from what they project themselves to be on screen, online.
But I shouldn't be too shocked, eyh?
It is the same when people you know for a fact that they are generally nice people (you never know them well enough to be sure) could be devils on the road.
Haha.
Masa tu semua sumpah seranah, jampi serapah semua keluar. And I'd be glued stuck to seat, hanging on for dear life.


Kadang-kadang terkejut bile bace org curse online. Never thought that such foul words could come out that angelic mouth. Uh, stop. Memang x pernah keluar, taip je kan. Somehow they rationalize it to be different.

So now I'll repeat what my friend told me. I'll never stop being amazed at how true it is:

People have many different dimensions

So don't be fooled into thinking that you know somebody inside out, maybe you're only looking at only one of the many dimensions posessed by that individual. The dimensions are not always continuous like a sphere. Rather, I like to think personalities have sides like cubes or diamonds. What you see at one angle may not be the same as the other sides that you can't see. We all have our own dark secrets or just secrets...it doesn't have to be a bad thing. Mind you, I am NOT talking of bipolar disorder or any mental diseases. The different dimensions that we have would work together synergistically to reflect our whole being. The colours that we shine forth from ourselves, as another beautiful unique colour in the world's canvas.
This is what makes us different and sets us apart from all the rest ;)

Mind transcension

If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts.
~Albert Einstein

Read this and this.
I am puzzled by the tendency of some people to theorize and judge everything. It's seems to me that when something is too big for them to understand, they'll break it down to little pieces just so that it could fit into their own little minds.
..sometimes when something so big is broken into something so small, the reality that is apparent and vivid when seen as a whole is lost and replaced by something far more inferior.
.
.
.
Why can't we accept that there are so much that we could not even dream to understand?
Why can't we see the beauty of not understanding, of not knowing something that is beyond the limits of our own mind?
Refusal to accept the fact that there is something much more, something much bigger that what is grasp by our understanding would hamper our progress because we are unable to overcome that one stumbling block that lay on our paths. Acceptance of the reality that there is a greater power would enable us to fly far beyond the reaches of our mind.
Where science fails, philosophy starts.
Where the senses weaken, faith grows stronger.

Answer me this: can a diamond be cut by something less than a diamond? Can a knife made from the hardest iron make even a dent on the diamond?
The answer is NO.
How can the mind, which is itself something created, figure out the Creator?
How can something so weak be attested to something greater?
If you are an honest person, you can't possibly defend this.

A scientist's job is to figure out the laws that govern the universe, complete with facts and evidence that can't be refuted. However, there is a tendency to deny and sideline everything that could not be explained simply because the mind can't take it. Could it be that when something goes against the accepted conventional wisdom and we judge it to be wrong, it really means that we are incompetent enough to not know the difference between false facts and false theories? How can we blame the evidence when the evidence is what is in front of us?

Too many questions unanswered, just because the answer is too damn obvious. It is an cowardly way out they say, to credit/blame everything to divinity.
But isn't it an easier way?
.
.
.
...this is getting too heavy. I got to stop now and leave all of you to your thoughts: wherever that may take you.

Aku ingin

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu
kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan
kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

Sapardi Djoko Damono (sasterawan Indonesia)

Lembut bahasanya...
Sebenarnya tak perlu pada kata-kata dashyat atau berlebih-lebihan. Kata-kata yang mudah namun sarat dengan makna pasti lebih senang difahami dan diingati.

Puisi ini seperti membawa makna yang sedih namun indah. Cinta yang tak terluahkan, hanya mampu ditanggap oleh yang mahu mengambil waktu sebentar dari hidup untuk meneliti sekelilingnya: kadang-kadang apa yang tidak nampak nyata tidak semestinya tiada.
.
.
.
Yesterday I watched the movie Definitely, Maybe (2008).
I really think that a decent regular funny guy like Will Hayes (Ryan Reynolds) would really be heaven sent ;)

Someday we'll know

Lyrics | New Radicals lyrics - Someday We'll Know lyrics

Who is more affected by a heartbreak?
Who is more immune to rejected affection?
Who could bear the humiliation of placing your heart on the hands of others only to watch it being thrown away, stomped upon as if it is of no value?

Does being a girl or a boy would make a difference?

I think it doesn't. If you're broken, then you're shattered until you heal. The rate of you healing would depend on how much have you gambled with your one shot of finding a place in their hearts.

I always thought it as ironic that even when you give so much and risk everything for something, there is always a chance that you won't get anything. Sometimes you even lose all that you gave.

How can it be that the blessing of love is only given to only one in the supposedly 2 players in the game of love?
Where is the fairness of that situation?

Maybe love is not governed by the rules of fairness. They say, "All is fair in love and war". So maybe it is also true with the lack of love.

I pity with the person in this song. The reality of fixed love destinies are hard to accept and sometimes cruel in the lesson. Wanting someone hard enough won't make her yours. You have to move on: anything more than a year (in the song it's 2 years. Should it even be this long?) is really wasting your time. Why? Because the world won't stop just to wait for you to heal. You have to heal while moving on with life.

Give a little of your heart only to those who'll trade it with some of their own. There is no such thing as unconditional love for us mortals. Unconditional love is ultimately divine. I think it is not something we humans are capable of.

...well, at least someday we'll know whether or not this is true. If this ever happens to me, I hope I'll have the strength and grace to take my own advice.

This quiz is freaking me out

I was tagged by Wanie. The results are disconcerting as it is somewhat the same as what I think myself. Wanna be freaked out like me? Go here.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
(As my friend Fazleen once said, "People have different dimensions." Maybe I am being too careful?)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(I do like to think so)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.
(Yes, but I do hope he's wearing a sign with blinking neon lights or something just so that I won't miss him :p )

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love. (Exactly!)

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
( I have this dream of being a National Geographic photographer. I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do it)

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
(I think this is kinda true. Kinda)

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(People often mistake this for indecision but actually when I want to do something, I'd do it. That's why I manage to shop for only 30 min when others take 2 hours!)

Wanted: Soulmate ;)

Lyrics | Savage Garden lyrics - To The Moon And Back lyrics

I am very touched by the concern of many people about my single, mingle and jingle status :)
They are so very concerned that several people (I think now the count is at 3 people) even dream about me getting engaged! When I asked, she said that she can't clearly see my "fiance's" face but he has a mustache. So now I am playing a game in my head by actively assessing all my acquaintances for their possession of a mustache and ask myself: could it be HIM? and then I'll laugh at myself for the silliness of it all :D haha.
But maybe some of you want to know the truth? Hmm...
Let me put it this way:
Of course I want to with somebody whom I can share my life with! I am not a nun. BUT, as of right now the goal of finding a soulmate has fallen to third place in my list of priorities in life. The first is finishing my PhD and second is making family happy (why is the family second? it's because by completing my PhD, that would also make them happy. They'll always be first in my heart). So my life now is basically family and career oriented.
Furthermore, finding a soulmate is too much work....it's not something that come to me easily. I feel that it is not in my power to do. So I'll leave my heart's question for Allah's answer. I'll leave it to HIM.
Like in the song, I'm waiting for the right kind of pilot to come. It's kinda like this: I've prepared the mosque and all. The only thing I need is the Imam hehehe (gelak gatal).
So now, what I can do is to finish my PhD and be with my family. This is in my power and I intend to do it with all my heart.
.............................

These are some interesting quotes that I got while surfing:

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
Anais Nin

(Yes, someone who is worthy of me and I hope to God that I am worthy of him)

Choose a wife rather by your ear than your eye.
Thomas Fuller

( I think it's also true for choosing a husband, it'll be a nightmare to have someone more stupid than you or someone you can't connect at any level because of different wavelengths :p )

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.
Joseph Joubert

(Just hope that he's not gay, girlfriend! haha. But on a more serious note, this is true. You should be able to trust and depend on him. You'll share everything with him, it'd be difficult if you despise him)

But I don't know if people are meant to be together. You have to have a lot in common, choose well and be really fortunate. It's not like you're sprinkled with fairy dust. You have to believe that love will be there when you need it.
Claire Danes

(Get real, fairy tales are just that: fairy tales. But that don't mean that we can't be happy)

My message is this:
To find or not to find a soulmate is entirely as God wills it to be. To be loved in itself is a blessing and there's no need to rush or mope around feeling sad and blue because you have no one. You can't stall your whole life just because of a little glitch on the way. Move forward! Be all that you can be and you will receive all that you can have: no more, no less.

Geram

I disagree with the opinion of some people who think that it is OK to ignore a question or comment of another because they deem it to be "unimportant" and "unnecessary". I think that is plain snobbish. It's like treating the other person as inferior and always wanting to have the upper hand in a relationship. Helloooooo! Wake up! When will you realize that in dealing with people, there is no such thing as control or proven theories? Every one is unique and so don't attempt to stereotype everyone so that their profile could fit into one of your little theories. You are mocking them and I despise you.

Playlist tagging game

RULES:
*put your iTunes, Windows Media Player, Realplayer etc. on shuffle.
*for each question, press the next button to get your answer.
*you must write that song name down NO MATTER HOW SILLY it sounds.
*put any comments in brackets after the song name.
*for best result,put in various song from various singer at least 50 songs

1. if someone says, "Will u marry me..." u say?
Sacrifice--Elton John
(mcm kahwin paksa je)

2. how would u describe urself?
God must have spent a little more time on you-- N'Sync
(hahaha, perasan gileee)

3. what do u like in a girl / boy?
Cobalah untuk setia-- Kris Dayanti
(betul, betul, betul)

4. how do u feel today?
Kau Kekasihku--Siti Nurhaliza
(wahhh)

5. what is ur life's purpose?
Anthem for the Year 2000-- silverchair
(ganasnye weh)

6. what is ur motto?
Bring me to life-- Evanescence
(yes, I need a LIFE!! :p )

7. what do ur friends think of u?
Everything I do I do it for you -- Bryan Adams
(ya..mmg kawan2 saya budiman semuanya hehe, thanx 4 everything guys!)

8. what do u think of ur parents?
Don't forget about us -- Mariah Carey
(insyaAllah...love forever)

9. what do u think about very often?
Superman-- Five for fighting
(hahahahaha)

10. what is some good advice for me?
Alasanmu-- Exist
(aduh..)

11. what do u think of ur best fren?
Please forgive me-- Bryan Adams
(maafkan jika banyak buat salah..)

12. what do u think of the person u like?
I love the way you love me-- Boyzone
(wahhhh sape la tu agaknye?? ;) )

13. what is ur life story?
Take me to your heart-- Micheal Learns to Rock
(hehehe..adakah ini petanda akan ada happy ending??)

14. what do u want to be when u grow up?
If tomorrow never comes-- Ronan Keating
(masih adakah esok??)

15. what do u think of when u see the person u like?
I can't live without your love-- The Boyz
(huh? apsal mcm mjawab nih?! konfius)

16. what will u dance at ur wedding?
Bukan diriku-- Samsons
(sedih gile..ye la, merujuk pada soalan no.1, mcm kawen paksa je)

17. what will they play at ur funeral?
Kesepian-- Dygta
(sedih...sepi jika ku tiada..hmm)

18. what is ur hobby / interest?
Bila April -- Dr Fazley
(hobi ape nih?)

19. what is ur biggest fear?
Friend Like Me-- soundtrack from Disney's Aladdin
(yeah, I've always thought that if there were another person exactly like me the world would collapse)

20. what is ur biggest secret?
Signal Fire-- Snow Patrol
(hmm...ape la maksudnye ni?)

21. what do u think of ur friends?
Thunder-- Boys Like Girls
The lyrics:

Your eyes are the brightest of all the colors,
I don't wanna ever love another
You'll always be my thunder

22. what did u do last night?
Red Blooded Woman-- Kylie Minogue
(skandalnye)

23. how would u describe ur mom?
Love Stoned-- Justin Timberlake
(forgive me mom!)

24. what do people assume when then first look at me?
Imagination-- Jessica Simpson
(imagine? hahaha, hard to believe that there's someone could be as weird as me??)

25. will I have a happy life?
Where ever you will go -- The Calling
(ye la kan..kn da kawen paksa, so i'll do the best tht I can to have a happy life. mana tau bahagia? hehe :p )

I'm tagging:
K.nana
Sha
Fazleen
Hani
Lili
Alia

To talk in riddles

Sometimes I feel like crying, but the tear never fall.
Sometimes my heart moves in such a way that it becomes hard to breathe.

I am sad to see my ideals being raped by people much powerful than me.
I am thankful that there are still people that believe in ethics and truth supremacy although I fear they are now few and far between.

Yes, I know I'm being a tad naive. But, isn't a dream is also a target? Ideals are not dreams, it is a target with potential to become reality.

Other people question my religion, trying relentlessly to strip it from what it is bit by bit.

Usage of specific words, challenging the context of religion interpretation and also discussing the suitability of Islamic regulations in today's world are just some of the intentional interference into my religion.
Are we so dumb that we can't organize and manage for our own? Do we need intervention from others to tell us what we must or must not do?
For you, your own religion. For me, my religion.
It's just that simple.

I long for the day when truth prevails.

Do you know that darkness results from the absence of light?
The degree of darkness depend on the intensity of the light.
You can make light shine brighter, but can you make the dark be darker?
We are now in darkness because we do not have the light. The light comes in the form of knowledge, not a bolt from the sky.
Allah would not help those who refuse to help themselves.

Kata- kata seorang ustaz yang aku tak tahu namanya:

Bila ahli kebenaran tidak mahu menyebarkan beritanya, maka ahli kebatilan lah yang akan menyebarkan syiarnya

Kemahuan membantu engkau menjadi manusia

Sini ada satu soalan: adakah ada beza antara tidak mahukan apa-apa dan puas dengan apa yang ada sekarang?
Bagi aku:
Kalau tidak mahukan apa- apa maksudnya bagi aku ialah tiada rasa untuk mempunyai apa- apa, tiada kemahuan untuk mencapai apa- apa. Tiada keinginan.
Tapi kalau puas dengan apa yang ada ialah mahukan sesuatu dan sudahpun mendapatkannya. Maksudnya kita ada keinginan untuk mempunyai apa yang kita ada sekarang dan merasa cukup dengannya. Keinginan sudah dipenuhi. Tidak perlu penambahan.

...Sebenarnya bila difikirkan, aku sebelum ni tak pernah merasa mahukan sesuatu. Benar- benar mahukan sesuatu dan bersedia untuk fokuskan kehidupan untuk mencapai matlamat, menguatkan diri untuk terus melangkah lebih hampir pada target ---> aku tidak pernah merasakan itu.
Sampaiah sekarang. Sekarang barulah aku tahu bagaimana rasanya mahukan sesuatu dengan sangat dashyat. Sebelum ni, tak sangka yang aku sebelum ni seperti orang yang tiada arah dalam hidup. Sebelum ni mencapai sesuatu atau tidak, tidak memberi kesan apa- apa sebab kemahuan itu belum cukup kuat untuk mampu mengecewakan aku.
Tapi sekarang, kemahuan itu sangat kuat, berlainan dari yang sebelum ini. Sampai kadangkala menakutkan aku sendiri.
Kerana kemahuan itu, segala tindakan terarah pada pencapaian matlamat. Semua yang dapat menjejaskan pencapaian itu akan gigih diselesaikan. Persistence. Endurance.

Kini aku merasa kagum dengan gabungan yang Allah menciptakan manusia: akal, nafsu dan hati. Setiapnya adalah elemen yang diperlukan untuk menjadikan hidup ini untuk mempunyai makna.

Tanpa salah satu, hilanglah erti hidup.

Something to fill ur time: another tag!

Rules:
It’s harder than it looks! Copy to your own note, erase my answers, enter yours, and tag people(if u noticed missing words... sorry tend to ignore rules i can't follow). Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real; nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can’t use your name for the boy/girl name question.

My name starts with the letter W

1. What is your name : Wan R

2. A four Letter Word : Wrap

3. A boy’s Name : Walter

4. A girl’s Name : Wanie

5. An occupation : Waiter

6. A color : Warm Red

7. Something you’ll wear : Washed clothes (hahaha, yes, I'm cheating :P)

8. A food : Wasabi

9. Something found in the bathroom : Water (duhh!)

10. A place : Wonderland (where Alice lives)

11. A reason for being late : Waking up late

12. Something you’d shout : Weh, ape ni?!

13. A movie title : Wild wild West

14. Something you drink : Winter melon (only once bcoz super duper thirsty and I hope I never have to again)

15. A musical group : Westlife

16. An animal : Worm

17. A street name : Westside Street (somewhere in the world there must be a road by this name)

18. A type of car : Wagon

19. The title of a song : Where do broken hearts go?

I'm tagging
-hani
-lili
-alia

Pertahankanlah jiwa kalian

Seandainya pada hari ini kalian masih tetap sengsara seperti ini, tanpa adanya perubahan yang bererti, nescaya nama baik kalian pasti hilang, rasa gentar yang ada pada musuh pula berganti menjadi berani. Oleh itu, pertahankan jiwa kalian
Tariq bin Aziz

Subhanallah, sangat bererti kata- kata ini. Siapa yang perlukan pujukan diwaktu hati mula goyah? Bukan pujukan yang diperlukan! Yang diperlukan ialah gesaan untuk kembali fokus pada target perjuangan. Mengapa buang masa memikirkan perkara yang telah lalu, keterlanjuran diri sendiri dalam meniti kehidupan. Setidak-tidaknya jangan jadikan kesengsaraan lalu sia-sia. Ambillah pengajaran!
Jangan tenggelam dalam kesengsaraan, nanti akan terbunuh kerana dunia dan seisinya pasti mahu menarik kau kebawah. Kau perlu bertahan!
Bagaimana cara kau bertahan, itu ikut suka kau.
Aku sendiri selalu perlukan time out bila peristiwa berlaku tidak seperti yang aku rancangkan. Pengorbanan hari cuti, pengorbanan masa dengan famili, pengorbanan masa untuk diri sendiri---nampak seperti sia-sia kerana tiada hasil. Kosong. Situasi hadapan seperti gerhana penuh kegelapan yang menelan semua cahaya. Gelap. Setelah berusaha macam nak gila, tetap tak jadi. Maka aku berikan diri sendiri time out, masa untuk berpisah sebentar dari perkara yang menyesakkan. Kadangkala menangis, namun itulah jua luahan kekuatan diriku. Ada orang mentafsirkan aku ini cepat putus asa kerana kadangkala aku bagai meminta untuk meminjam kekuatannya sebentar.
Sebenarnya mereka silap, aku tidak putus asa. Janganlah senang menghukum orang, tidak mungkin kau tahu lebih dari yang mengalami. Aku hanya tinggalkannya sebentar supaya aku boleh lebih bersedia untuk memikul beban itu kembali. Aku menangis bukan kerana aku lemah, tapi kerana mencari kekuatan dalam diri.
Itu cara aku, maafkan jika kamu semua tidak mampu memahami.
Kini aku cuma bertahan. Memikirkan jalan yang lain untuk sampai ke destinasi setelah nyata selama ini aku meniti jalan yang salah.
...
Tapi, aku juga silap, bodoh kerana mengharapkan kekuatan makhluk. Mereka enggan memberi, kerana hakikatnya mereka pun tiada apa-apa. Yang ada cuma ilusi kekuatan. Aku selalu lalai tentang ini. Mereka sesuatu yang dijadikan, maka itu bermakna kekuatan mereka hanya pinjaman.
La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyil 'Azim

I won't be made useless

Lyrics | Jewel lyrics - Hands lyrics
The other day I attended a talk by Prof Asma Ismail from USM. One word to summarize it all: inspiring.
Of all the things she said, I am most touched when she mentioned how we idolize the West in all our dealings to the extent of looking at local product with disdain because it does not live up to western standards. We ourselves elevate them to be our benchmark. The result? We are always playing catching up. One thing about playing catching up is that you're always behind. They are 10-20 years ahead of us, so how can we ever dream of striding beside them as equals? They never stop to wait for us, so they will always be ahead. So what can we do? Until when should we just follow them around like puppies? Prof Asma offered an antidote for this disease: a blue ocean vs red ocean strategy. We should all try and navigate our course according to the blue ocean strategy, that is to go where no one else has gone before. Explore new areas, make not just ground breaking findings, but make earth shattering discoveries. Prof Asma asked the important question of,

"Instead of being equal to, why not be better than?"

Seriously guys, I think we've got it all wrong before. This is the way we should go. All men are created equal, so why we voluntarily demean ourselves to be the inferior human? Remember: if you put a small value upon yourself, rest assured that the world would not raise your price.

Let us apply this concept to the current situation of Muslims in the world today. OK, let's not go far, just look at the nationwide boycott of US companies directly sudsidizing Israel. I've been reading a bit on this so to me personally, I think this boycott is just something like "jihad kecil" (forgive me if I'm mistaken, is there anything like that? what I mean is that it is just a minor thing to do in face of the war in Gaza). Yeah, by now I think you my stance on this: I think that it is unfair to punish our locals just to get back at their stupid fat boss. It'll harm our economy! It is because Islam holds each and everyone of us for our deeds, no one is punished for the deeds of another. If that person does good, then he/she would go to heaven and if not then that person again would be tossed into hell. No one could be responsible for another, so it is unfair to punish someone for something that they did not do and do not have any power to stop. So, if indeed we want to boycott these companies, we should also provide a safety net or an alternative for the locals involved in the business.
Furthermore, our little country's boycott would be just a slap in wrist or just a little scratch on their butts. Just a minor but annoying thing to have. The crux of the problem is this: they have what we want, and we don't have anything that they want. They could go on with their lives, playing deaf to our voices because we are nothing. Without us, they could still live on. How about us? If they decide to put sanctions on this little country, what would we do? If they decide to withold any technology of the West from ever touching these waters, what would we do? What could we do?
So, we must now focus our powers in is in the mobilization of Muslim people toward achievement in the fields of economy and knowledge. It is now time for us to take the reins for a change, let us decide what would become of our fate.
We should apply the blue ocean model, we should tread on uncharted waters. Let us be leaders, not just meek followers.
I am ok with the boycott, just as long as we don't lose focus on the real problem: the lack of leadership in economy and knowledge.
C'mon friends, wake up! Don't waste your life just thinking about yourself.
Stand up, make use of yourself. Time is running out. If we don't act now, I'll never know whether truly it will all be OK.

Gate bengong

Today started quite awful.
It's only just 8.43 a.m but I'm already impatient to wait for the day to end.
I was supposed to have a meeting with my supervisor at 8.00 a.m but I was late.
The thing that makes it so awfully stupid is that I was late not because I overslept or anything like that but it was because the gate was padlocked. Yesterday was the first day I stayed at the house (my sis n I rented a room there) and I've never had to open the gate before (it was at night when I arrived and when I arrived the gate is already opened). How in the world would I know that the padlock on the gate was a dummy and all I had to do was unlatch the bottom latch of the gate and then just push the gate gently out so that the gate would open without ever to unlock the padlock.
A dummy padlock! Bengong.
I was trying to open the padlock for ages, and each second felt nearer to the end of the world. I was so frustrated :( Thankfully my sis came and saved the day for me by showing me the right way to open the gate. By then I was ready for anything, I was even contemplating my escape Rambo-style---> either climb over the gate (plus: today I'm wearing baju kurung) or go through the trash door (you know, the little door at the gate to put out the trash). Seriously, thank God my sis came before any of that happened :p
So now I am sitting at the lab, bracing myself to face the music. I hate giving excuses, especially if the reason is so out of this world. I feel like a kid trying to explain to her teacher that my homework is abducted by aliens and that is why I can't hand it over.
Please God, make my teacher a believer of UFOs and the supernatural. Then maybe I'll be safe..

You are weak, therefore you must shut up

Slm
Before the end of last year, I've managed to finish "The Afghan" by Frederick Forsyth. As usual it is packed with action with intricate details that make you one with the characters in the book. Mr Forsyth will take you on a journey into the minds of spymasters and 'terrorists' that lead to brilliant manipulation of events and strategic planning to ultimately achieve their target.
The book is about a retired SAS man roped in a plan to slip a mole into the dark and shifting world of al-Qaeda (AQ). The SAS man is disguised as Izmat Khan, a prisoner in Guantanamo Bay whom they call the Afghan to obtain information about a top secret project by AQ called al-Isra' that would make 9/11 seem like child's play.

This book made me think that sometimes right and wrong could overlap and the only way to do some good depend on your perspective. And that perspective come from where you are standing in terms of intellect and common sense.

It is kinda like those free hologram stickers in your cereal boxes that changes the sticker picture anytime when it is rotated. Rotate it to the right you get a picture of Skywalker with his blazing light saber and when you rotate it to your left it changes to Yoda (I got this sticker years ago in a Koko Krunch box if I'm not mistaken).

I don't blame Izmat Khan for being a 'terrorist'. Or anyone for that matter. Anyway, he is only a 'terrorist' in the eyes of the terrified. He is a hero in his own land, the land of the oppressed people. So what if someone far away is calling you 'terrorist'? What matters is that that far away person is dropping bombs at you even though they don't even know your face.

You want them to stop throwing rocks at you? Stop gunning them down.

If someone forcibly took to living in your living room for no apparent reason and then demand that you stay out because they've been there long enough, are we just to understand what they're going through and just give away a part of our home? Stupid.

The 'terrorist' become that way because that's the only way you'll listen. You take their land, kill their families, make them prisoners in their own homes but then you want them to put their defenses down and just let you trample all over them.

I do not agree to the methods used by the 'terrorist'. Killing someone for any reason is wrong. What is wrong could not be right. It could be the most desirable thing to do because that person killed more than you but that still does not justify it. I said earlier that it overlaps, but it does not change into the other. What is black could not be white. However, if these people ask me why are we treated this way, the answer is because we are weak and too caught up greed and the little squabbles over power that has become an embarrassment. I think that there is a root problem that have to be resolved. A bitterment that is the source of the sorrows that lead to the violence. Sometimes a reaction is too much that it is an overkill.

One raid hit a mosque in the northern Gaza town of Beit Lahiya, killing 13 people and wounding 33, according to a Palestinian health official. One of the wounded worshippers, Salah Mustafa, told Al-Jazeera TV from a hospital that the mosque was packed.

“It was unbelievably awful,” he said, struggling to catch his breath.

It was not immediately clear why the mosque was hit, but Israel has hit other mosques in its air campaign and said they were used for storing weapons.

Israeli artillery joined the battle for the first time earlier on Saturday. Artillery fire is less accurate than attacks from the air using precision-guided munitions, raising the possibility of a higher number of civilian casualties. - Star Online 4th January

Misinformation is a dangerous thing. Knowledge that is not guided by religion would lead to disaster. Add to these to Power in the wrong hands, and you have yourself an all-out war. This applies to both obvious extremists and the more subtle ones: you know, those hiding behind the crumbling white building. These people do not know reason because they believe whole-heartedly that what they're doing is right. You are the one misinformed, you are the one lost. They are not. So they ignore you. You are as of right now: a Nobody.

I hate the fact that Muslims are devastatingly weak economically. The world is opening up and so the ones with cash are the ones with power.
C'mon, lets get rich. Let us swim in rivers of gold. But don't let it drown you. We must remember that when we are rich, the power to move events is in our hands. Change the world not with your fist, but with your mind. Do not look just at what is before you, cast a wider net and look far beyond. Restore the greatness of Islam and do not let us be degraded again.
When we are strong, then only could we speak up and get noticed. If not, then you should just stuff it and go back to the bottom of the line.