How big an ocean has to be to take it all in? How big a heart has to be to take all in stride? How does the sky be so high when nothing is its pillar? How does the mouth make a smile when the eyes loses its shine? Surely not by any humanly means. The mind doesn't comprehend, the heart heavy and feet leaden to the ground. Nowhere to go but no choice but to move.
Someday you won't feel it; the tugging of saudade. Maybe it'll take two lifetimes, But take heart, nothing is forever. Answers will come too late because we don't need it anyway. Everything will go on as written, Flowing infinitely through the rivers of time, With or without you and me.
Do you realise that I want to give you everything?
I don't want anything from you except that you allow me to love you.
Sometimes I think you like the idea but I am never really sure. I like to think, with my rose-tinted glasses of course, that you're hurting me intentionally but with the nobility of a fallen hero. A necessary restraint on the heart to avoid a destiny that you think would happen (would it matter if I say it wouldn't? Wouldn't you even give me the benefit of a doubt?)
I am curious about how it would be like to give you everything. Like a blind moth, desiring the flames that would end its life. Maybe you are that to me, a flame that would destroy my being. There is no need for you to apologise for being destructive, that is your nature. You burn and then you disappear.
You know, we should try it sometime. I promise that when I exhaust myself of giving, I will leave you.
Until that time comes, let me dance in your fire.
Sekarang ni bawa hati ke mana-mana terasa bagai nak tumpah. Diisi sampai melimpah dengan keinginan tak kesampaian. Isinya tumpah jatuh lantas berubah jadi api dengki dan marah. Mata yang dulu luas memandang hanya nampak batang hidung diri sendiri. Lebih sejengkal itu terus masuk titik buta. Kosong pandangannya, bila sentuhan mata kena jatuh ke insan lain ia menembus fisik lalu menatap angan seperti sesuatu yang jauh didepan, tak ternampak mata lain. Fikiran diasak dengan kesibukan kosong yang dilaksanakan satu-satu tanpa henti. Tanpa beri peluang perkara lain ditimbangi fikiran.
Kadang-kadang badan kalah, perlu rehat juga. Lepas rehat, terus cari penawar. Ingatkan penawar pada suka, pada gembira. Tapi tidak. Itu bukan suka dan gembira yang dilukis harapan. Lalu kecewa. Dihanyut amarah dan tak puas hati. Entah mana penawar sejati, masih sembunyi diri.
Oh dear, my heart:
Just hold on a little longer.
I don't think he sees you,
All lit up with the familiar rush of a crush,
A pitiful beautiful mess.
I'd shield you from what I know is coming,
But what good would that do to you?
You need to remember the lesson of waiting,
Because patience is expensive for those who don't know the price,
And justice is lost on those served with it.
Oh dear heart.
You break me when you wait on an answer
From someone oblivious they've been asked.
Or a more heartwrenching reality; they chose to be blind to your sight and deaf to your call;
Their soul unwilling to destroy another but unwittingly obliterated it in chosen ignorance.
Merajuk.
That is indeed a special word. The translation is supposed to be 'sulk' but I don't think it really captures the meaning of merajuk.
How about 'jauh hati'?
That one would be more difficult to translate, difficult to explain. A direct translation would be 'distant heart'. Still it doesn't have the drama carried by the Malay version.
Malay language is heavy with emotion, maybe because the people are themselves usually hard to show emotion. We are craftful and have innate sense of what is beautiful. But we are always hiding behind words. Example would be like in the pantun or syair (the poems, or play of words in Malay). Whatever we say or do would never mirror what the heart truly feels. This is why our language have simpulan bahasa and peribahasa. Our words have intricate layers of meaning.
I am unsure if any of you would agree with me that the Malay people are hard to show emotion. But for me this is true. The true meaning of the heart is usually in our actions but the interpretation of actions are not universal. Therefore this leads to misunderstanding, as the language of the heart of another person is deciphered using the language of our own innate perspective, mind and feeling. The result is often wrong.
Such a toxic process. Detrimental to harmony.
What is sad is the cycle won't end anytime soon. It will go on and on and on, until something, someone, gives in.
Letihnya.
One thing about giving in is the requirement to be as big as the ocean, in order to be able to neutralize everything that is thrown inside of it. Like a powerful buffer, like an incredible spring. Able to bounce back from anything that attempts to change it, to rise from anything that keeps it down.
I don't think anyone has that capacity naturally. That is why people say, "exercise patience". Like it is something that has to be practised in order to be good at it. For me, to keep a good attitude while waiting is a heavy burden upon the heart. It is particularly tugging when you're faced with constant reminders of what you lack. It is surprising how insensitive people could be.
This reminds me: I think everyone is greedy of their own happiness. No sharing, it is your sole responsibility to be happy, you see. Because to some people, happiness has a switch that can be turned on whenever we want. For these people, happy or not is your own choice.
Oh my, but what a hard choice. You have to heave your heart that weighs a tonne like a sack onto your back, then look up to move forward. All you need is an endless supply of hope which in turn powers your patience. So a good supply of hope means more patience.
But people say, don't get your hopes up.
I can't help it, my hopes will go up, shooting to the upward sky until suddenly it comes crashing down. Crashing down so hard that it blazes up in flames and disappear like it was never there before. So to ensure my hopes to not go up is a vain effort. No one, nothing except Allah controls the heart. The heart can do whatever it wants. I've given up trying to restrain it anyway. What I am focusing on is to shorten my downtime whenever that happens. I want to heal faster. That phoenix-like ability is what I am aiming for. This is because I understand that whatever is mine will be mine, and whatever isn't will never be even after thousands of years. So even if it kills me everytime I come crashing down, the flicker of hope will always ensure I come back.
All because of one thing: just to see what comes next.
The line is long. So long that I couldn't even make out whether the touch n go counter at the toll gate is closed or open. Sometimes if the timing isn't right, or the traffic so heavy they'll close the counter so that cars could move faster using the electronic toll booths. People lining up to top up their touch n go cards would just clog up the traffic you see.
I moved my car in line, trying my best to squint the sign "Open" at the counter. I couldn't see it. Furthermore the rays of the sun was shining brilliantly, marring my sight even more. Glancing at the clock, I guess I could spare some time before I'm late. So I waited. It was a long wait and we were just inching towards the counter. I sang along to songs, played with my phone a bit but the wait was long.
Suddenly from the corner of my eye, I saw some cars cutting through the line and it was infuriating. How can someone just cut the line like that when everyone else is enduring the long wait? Why do they think their time is worth more than others? I tried positive thinking, like maybe they're in a life/death emergency or someone is in labour in their car. But when I see that nothing of that sort is happening, I got pissed again.
Patience, patience. I breathed in and out several times but couldn't help but wish that their affairs of the day won't turn out good (oh my God, that is not good! But hey, I'm just human).
I am now officially late. I should've made it but didn't. Already I felt a grey cloud looming in my horizon although it's a sun shiny day outside. Drats.
It doesn't help my situation that I keep getting all these notifications on social networks about how happy and perfect and beautiful everyone else is. Whereas I'm stuck. My oh my. It's a challenge just to keep my zen because I'm not even sure if the touch n go counter is open! It would be a waste if I arrive finally to the counter just to discover that it's closed. Yes, I could've changed lanes but it's now past that already. There are orange cones lined up along all lanes to stop cars from changing lanes. Oh no...
You know what? This is exactly what I do not want to have in life, love or anything. I don't want to wait in line for something I potentially won't get. Yes I know, dealing with all these ifs and greys are never going to help. But I would appreciate it if I know if there is a real chance in something. Now it's especially hard to deal with love. It is both the thing that I want most and dread most in life. Maybe that is the price of hope. It's terrifying to realise I really like someone but don't know if he's on the same page. Everytime I speak it sounds like a squeak. Everything I say seem stupid. All I do seem clumsy and off the mark. It really is an inconvenience. For once, I'd like to know the counter is open or not. Is it worth the risk of falling? :(
Pada semua, tahu.
Pada selalunya, lupa.
Pada seluruhnya, sakit.
Pada yang ramai, gerun.
Pada yang sedikit, sumpahan.
Pada segelintir pula, rehat.
Kau tahu apa yang aku bicarakan?
Hakikatnya ia sesuatu ketentuan yang dirahsiakan waktu datang,
Sifatnya merenggut realiti dan memadankannya kepada kebenaran lebih tinggi,
Menginjak perhatian pada yang tidak lagi boleh diselamatkan.
Kau telah diberi masa, kudrat, pilihan.
Kini masa untuk perhitungan.
Kau sedar sekarang?
Mati bukan pengakhiran,
Tapi permulaan pada segala yang abadi.
Standing there with disbelieving eyes, seeing a sunny scene go dark. Previously envious heart now steeled by cold reality. Stoic, her words dripping with hurt, "Oh, so it rains too where you are?"
Those words were daggers aimed at the heart, fuelled by blinding anger. She could see the impact of her words as the shoulders slumped and the head slowly turning to face her.
Too slow. Her hands struck and sent her opponent flying to the ground.
Muffled by the ground she heard a soft whisper: "No. Please. You thought wrong. I never said that. It never happened as you thought it did"
Stony silence.
The voice tried again: "What is it that I did wrong? What do you want me to do?"
Still not a word and the heart of her opponent sunk.
Now the time for talking is over. Her wounds felt so raw, body aching and head thumping with the drumming of her blood. Adrenaline makes you taste invincibility. She wants this to be over fast, fearing that a moment would provide a window for doubt. All she wants is for her opponent to feel hurt, regardless of what is right or wrong. The score to be settled is just whether you're hurt or not.
She struck a blow. Stopped.
Oh, there's movement. That signals another blow. And another just to make sure.
She stared down at her opponent who never stood a chance. All she wants is victory. Although victory now taste coppery, like blood. She stood there until darkness came. Then quietly, she stole away without ever looking back.
No use looking back anyway. Her opponent should've known that this would happen. They have to know. It is their responsibility. Even if she never breathed a word about it, as friends they have to know. If she kills them because of their error, it is not her fault. They brought this down to themselves.
She hurts too, don't they know?
Even after death, they are guilty. Guilty for failing her. In the end, she is the hurt martyr, fighting a lost cause.
Alone again, as it always have been.
Ikhlas is something so hard to grasp and gauge that it is likened to a small black ant on a cold black stone in a great dark cave in the shadow of the night.
But know that because of its nature once you shed light onto it, you will destroy it.
It would go up in flames instead.
So many ways for this: fire of arrogance, pride...sin.
To avoid this, better we keep mum.
The issue of ikhlas lies between the doer and Allah. It is He alone that knows it and He alone will reward it.
Better if you, the receiver or even the observer, to keep mum and give supplications to the doer instead.
I beg you, don't open up those gates of hell.
Say, "MasyaAllah, may he or she be rewarded by Allah swt".
That is the only thing that you should do.
Yang fana adalah waktu. Kita abadi: memungut detik demi detik, merangkainya seperti bunga sampai pada suatu hari kita lupa untuk apa. "Tapi, yang fana adalah waktu, bukan?" tanyamu. Kita abadi.
"Kau buat apa sini?" tanya Sunyi dengan nada kasar tapi perlahan, seakan kecewa.
"Aku kembali untuk mencari jawapan pada pertanyaan fikiranku sendiri. Kehidupan terasa bingit dalam kecelaruan, buat aku rasa sukar untuk melerainya satu-satu" balasku kembali, degil dan enggan berganjak.
"Tapi aku tidak pernah ada jawapan. Yang banyak hanya teka-teki dan tanda rahsia. Sudah kunyatakan dulu, hanya sebahagian saja yang kadang-kadang dapat ditanggap mata hati. Yang lain-lainnya kau patut tinggalkan atau kau pancung dengan realiti!" Suaranya mulai meninggi.
Aku diam dan berdiri membelakangi dia. Malas aku menjelaskan betapa realiti itu penuh pula dengan perspektif, dengan banyaknya kebarangkalian yang menjadikan masa depan itu menyamai warna langit saat itu: kelabu.
Tetapi, aku ada rahsia. Andai ditanya jawapan kepada apa yang aku cari, mungkin aku tidak dapat menyatakan itu dengan jelas. Aku sendiri kurang pasti persoalannya. Yang aku dapat kiaskan cuma ia terasa berat dan dekat. Sangat dekat sampaikan jika aku tiba-tiba menemu jawapan, aku yakin aku akan mengenalinya. Tanpa perlu aku fikir lagi. Waktu itu, hanya rasa memandu arah dan semestinya akan kuturut.
Sebenarnya aku tahu, berdirinya aku sini dengan Sunyi lansung tidak menyelesaikan apa-apa. Aku duduk dan mengisyarat agar dia pun duduk disebelahku. Aku fikir, Tidak mengapa. Waktu ini, yang aku perlukan hanya duduk disini, bersama Sunyi. Siapa tau? Mungkin cara ini, rintihan aku lebih diperkenan Tuhan.
I have said before that the signs from Allah swt sometimes comes so subtle that you don't realize it knocks softly on your consciousness, then enter to whisper softly to your heart. However, these signs can also come hit you one fine moment and leave you stunned and loss for words.
These days, I've been having more of the latter. Many messengers He sent, some from my past and some from my present. Not enough with that are continuous strings of events that crush my heart with every turn, flooring any spirit I have left over.
Maybe it is He who calls the one who forgets.
We need so much but give too little.
Or maybe we think of ourselves too much, that we even demand for miracles.
Even if the future seem bleak and dreary, it is never our fate to just give up.
Remember Prophet Yunus a.s?
He tried and tried until he felt there is nothing to try anymore. He gave up on his cause, felt there is no hope left so he threw in the towel and left. He left maybe because he felt he should get something better for his efforts. All those years toiling to preach Allah's religion. He felt it is time for him to get his dues.
Astagfirullah, may Allah grant mercy to us all.
Prophet Yunus a.s boarded a ship to leave and get away. But not long after, the skies grew dark and a storm brews. High waves crashed into the ship, threatening to wreck the ship and drown everything in it. All the sailors started to discard all excess weight to enable the ship to keep sailing. One by one, until all have been discarded.
But still the dark fate of drowning remain. The ship need to be unloaded more! The captain prepared lots and everyone drew, desperately hoping that their lot is not the shortest one. After they all compared, the shortest one was drawn by Prophet Yunus a.s. All was aghast, how can they throw a prophet into the sea? They decided to draw again, but again the same replayed. And then again.
Realization dawned on Prophet Yunus a.s on how wrong he was and that the destiny to be thrown into the sea was indeed his. He insisted to jump, but all stopped him. At last Prophet Yunus a.s was adamant, stating that even if several more lots are to be drawn, his name would come up as he is the one Allah swt wanted to be thrown off deck. Meanwhile, the storm kept blowing as all hell broke loose.
The situation pressing, the captain finally relented and Prophet Yunus a.s jumped.
As he jumped, with the grace of Allah he was immediately eaten by a whale, sentenced to layers of darkness for him to reflect and repent. Inside the belly of the whale Prophet Yunus a.s prayed incessantly to seek forgiveness and mercy for his khilaf. After a time, Allah swt accepted his supplications and ordered the whale to put Prophet Yunus a.s at the shore.
With the love of Allah swt Prophet Yunus as was sustained by a gourd plant vine until he regained strength and able to return to his people whom he deserted.
When finally he arrived to his people, he was pleasantly surprised to see that his people had repented and was now worshipping Allah swt as He should be worshiped. It turns out that as soon as Prophet Yunus a.s left, the skies darken and threaten to break into a hard storm. The people were reminded of the fate of past people and they repented and waited for their prophet to come back to them. If Yunus as was to be patient a little longer, fought a little harder and willed a little stronger, he would've seen that his efforts has paid off.
This is a very short rendition of the story, more here. However, so many things can be taken from this tale. For me they are:
The importance of holding on and not giving up even if we have been fighting for so long.
The need to faith in the mercy and grace of Allah swt even if we have sinned because miracle are never impossible for Allah swt
The necessity of a soft heart that is able to recognize the cues and signs of Allah swt to bring us back to Him.
Never underestimate the power of repentance and supplication to change our destiny and fate.
..There are many more but these are what is important for me and my family now. We must remain strong and never give up until the end!
La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Adzim!
Jangan pernah main hati.
Sekali lagi, kau jua yang tahu apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh kau tahankan.
Yakinlah. Sebenarnya berapa bilangan "tidak" yang kau perlukan untuk yakin jalan itu, orang itu, takdir itu bukan untukmu?
Ramai lagi yang perlu kehadiranmu, perhatianmu, kefahamanmu, kasih sayangmu.
Kau perlu lari menuju takdir, berani mengambil jalan yang sukar. Semuanya agar bila tiba waktu kau meninggalkan semuanya nanti, jejak ke akhirat itu pasti dan kukuh. Perhitungan akhir itu sahaja yang perlu kau risaukan. Selain itu hanya permainan jiwa yang lemah. Jangan sampai kau hilang pertaruhanmu, dilempar jauh kedasar marak.
Sekarang tetapkan fikiranmu, merdekakan jiwamu dari belenggu kemahuan.
This is so fitting with my current predicament. Words are heavy, so watch where you lay them upon.
“Don't
talk about your riches in front of the poor, don't talk about your good
health in front of the sick, don' t talk about your power in front of
the weak, don't talk about the joys of your life in front of the sad
ones, don't talk about your freedom in front of the captivated, don't
talk about your children in front of those who cant have any, and don't
talk about your parents in front of the orphans, for their wounds cannot
withstand more”
Assalamualaikum and hi.
It has been a longggg time, hasn't it?
I missed you.
Real life is like a running stream, pushing us through time so fast that if you are not fast enough to hold on to something you want, it would be wrenched away from you. Once you let go, you and it become separated so far. You can see it bobbing on the surface of memories but never to be held again.
You know, right now I just want to talk. You know, real talk where you can drown in the conversation with nothing to bring you back down to reality. I want to go somewhere with someone and just talk. No pretenses.
We can walk together and then sit on a sidewalk cafe. Still talking, chatting away while sipping on the steaming coffee held so close to your face that you have to squint your eyes a bit due to the close heat.
God, I miss that.
I've never done it, yes, but the scene played out so clearly in my mind that it is hard to separate longing from actual happenings.
I want to talk.
But do you realize how heavy some words are?
Some conversations you carry around in your head but never spoken by the mouth. Over time, these one-way conversations become heavier. Remember, those words are heavy so you rather carry them around yourself than spilling it all out in a rush of conversation.
It is not intentional, you carry it around because no one seem fit to hear it nor are there anyone who would readily receive it. You can see the burdens on their shoulders and the realization dawned that if you were to talk and say those things in your head and heart it would add to their burdens.
Furthermore what you want to articulate seem so miniscule and insignificant compared to the monstrosity of their problems. They seem to think it so, and this is evidenced by the fact that rather than listening to you, they would rather talk about the immensity of their own obstacles.
It is tiring.
Imagine trying to tell that your own is heavy (not asking to help bear the burden, rather seeking understanding) but was met with, "my own is much heavier than yours and thus much more important".
Again, it is tiring.
So now I want to talk to someone who actually wants to talk to me. I have an idea of what kind of person that would be, but I am unsure if they would talk to me. This is just due for the simple reason that I haven't met the person who would go to a sidewalk cafe with me and just talk.
The sun shines lazily among the clouds. You decide to take a kid for a walk at a beautiful playground. There are colorful swings, the slides are awesome, so many kids running around and the weather was as clear as can be. At the far end of the playground you can even see a man selling fat helium balloons and another man in white wearing a hat who is busy tending to the endless orders for ice cream cones.
The kind whom you are holding is actually your sister, who starts jumping up and down, up and down because she is already impatient to dive into all the excitement. You held her hand tighter because you worry that she'll fall down and said, "Ok, go play but be careful." Your sister did not even bother to pretend that she heard you because as soon as you let go of her hand, she was sprinting toward the nearest swing.
And you, feeling that your job is partly done (the only thing left is just to watch over her, make sure she is safe), start walking toward a small white bench at the side of the playground to catch a breather. It was quite a long walk and you welcome the rest. But as soon as you sit you heard screaming, "hey, get off the slide, it's MY turn!" and you turn your head only to be faced with the scene of your sister suddenly laying claim to the use of the slides. Every other kid backed away. Then, 2-3 minutes, she ran again to the swing, pushing a girl that was playing happily, "Get OFF! I was here before."
You blinked your eyes a couple of times, not believing the scene. In your head you can't comprehend, why is she like that?
You're on your feet now, rushing to your sister before she got off the swing to go to the slides again. You got there just in time to grab her hand and then shaking her a bit as if waking her from a trance. But she is wide awake and you know that she fully realize her actions.
You thundered, "WHY?"
She faced you and retorted, "WHY NOT? I want it all. Everywhere it says the same thing. Follow your desires, follow your heart, realize your dream. My desires being fulfilled is the point of everything. Why are you so fussy?"
Flabbergasted, you look at her with disbelief.
Didn't she know that she can't have everything?
Didn't she realize how she hurt others with her actions?
Even if the slides and swings are unoccupied, didn't she know it is futile for wanting it all because you can only experience one at a time?
Why she thinks that she is entitled for everything?
Is being able to, a good enough reason to take it all?
You searched frantically in her defiant eyes for answers to any of the questions, even one is enough but none came. And there you and her stand, frozen in time, as the question hang in the air with no hope of answers.
I would love you,
If only I misunderstood the signs.
I would've showed you,
But you wouldn't care if you were aware.
I wouldn't do anything now,
Obviously I would have more luck counting the rain.
Strangely in this reality, it doesn't really matter.
A new dream has come, as well as a new fancy.
I would, now, lay it all out again.
I would've played it all the same but...
I wouldn't, now, as I know the game.
If in the future you find something lacking in my smile, just remember that meeting you doesn't taste as sweet anymore.
There is something sad in blandness. But that is all you are to me. It has ceased becoming anything more.
I don't like promises.
It makes people wait.
This is true for every kind of promise.
When you say a promise, even if for you it is only just a passing comment, please realize that the one asking for that promise has actually invested hope in that promise.
If there is no hope in seeing it be fulfilled, why would that person ask for it right?
Please don't let promises fall out your mouth like it is only empty words.
Yes, it is easy to put aside a friend or family.
They would accept you back for whatever s**t you deal them with. But please don't take it for granted boleh?
At least a full explanation that justifies the delay or the breaking of that promise would make it easier to swallow.
Sometimes promises are just like dried leaves and branches on the sidewalk that you accidentally, mindlessly stomp and break while going about your daily life.
The most pathetic thing is, it has been on my mind for more than a week and yesterday I can't even sleep thinking about it. I was actually excited and looking forward to the fulfillment of that promise. But incidentally, my time investment is in vain.
In the end, I think of just one word: disappointed.
“I heard you were a player , okay , lets play a game.
We'll flirt, play fights, talk 24/7, say goodmorning and goodnight every day, give each other nicknames, hang out, talk on the phone for hours, take cute pictures together, make promises to each other and hold each other.
And whoever falls in love first, loses."
~Lyla Tyela Belikov
The other day, weeks before this day, several of work colleagues and me went to a restaurant to chill out after a long day at work. Then suddenly the topic turned to love stories.
Haish...
I dreaded it because mine were stories that have never been. Like the promise of rain, and you put off all your plans for a picnic because you heard the thunder roaring. There you are, in your best Summer dress with the big hat and all, stalling all plans just because you don't want to ruin a perfectly planned day. You called your love up, saying sorry, maybe another day. But then, all that happened were a brief shower of tiny raindrops and the sun didn't even bother to stop shining. You finally go out, and see with melancholic eyes the distant rainbow in the sky. The world fell silent, hoping that the rainbow can make it up to you because of a ruined plan with a loved one. In the end, all you are left with is only the rainbow that makes you rain in the eyes because you know that your love will never ever see you again. Because you see, it never rained there at the place he is waiting.
.
.
.
Whatever the case is, all we can do is to move on. Hoping that something will finally come through. It's either the rain will fall or it doesn't. The important thing is, he waits.
Why waste time for someone who wouldn't even wait for you, especially if it is for the right reasons right?
Then after every one has told their story and I can't evade it anymore, I told my story as if I was offended with Batik Jawa. Maybe I was. Who knows? Even I was not sure. But now I've come to a conclusion as to why I was so hurt. I think he didn't even love me or like me or whatever. Why? Because he is so methodical about it. Having a checklist and all. Like this:
Like everybody who is not in love, he thought one chose the person to be loved after endless deliberations and on the basis of particular qualities or advantages. ~Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past: Cities of the Plain, 1922
See? You understand now?
For me, love has a kind of irrationality in it. Not the stupid kind, mind you. It is as simple as two people who want to be with each other, and will do anything, everything to make that possibility a reality. If you are able to be rational in love then maybe you are not yet blessed by it. It may be disguising itself as love, but actually it is some other mediocre sensation like fulfilling a requirement or just testing the waters.
So for me, love is a fire that burns in your heart. If it is lukewarm, it is disappointing. A love like that is just like a biscuit that is dunked in a lukewarm drink. You have to keep stirring the biscuit for it to soak in the drink. But then you dunked it too long that when you finally pulled it out, it resembled a flaccid flour abomination that would break and fall into the drink any time. When you put it on your tongue, you close your eyes a bit because it taste disgustingly soft and cold.
If the water is hot, you just dunk it a couple of seconds in the steaming drink and the biscuit will absorb the drink and plus retain a bit of the original crunchiness that biscuits are supposed to have. If you dunk it a second too long then it will break and fall into the water. But you are not disappointed, because the important thing is the water is hot. Biscuits are aplenty. Let it fall, let it fall because it was not meant for you anyway.
So no, I pray that I won't have to settle for mediocrity in love or life. That would be a life sentence of boredom for the rest of my days. I've waited this long, so it must be worth it.
Sometimes I overthink when praying for something I want real bad.
"Is this really supposed to be mine?"
"Is this the best for me?"
But then, just praying generally "I hope for the best in this life and the Hereafter" is not enough to satiate my soul.
I still want things. I still want attention. I still want everything that is mine and more.
Thus, the specific prayers.
But, specific is still not specific enough. It is still more specific than just the best in this life and the hereafter, but not to the extent of detailing every single thing.
I still believe wholeheartedly that Allah knows what is in our hearts, what is our weakness and sadness. So what we whisper in our hearts is also a form of prayer, because who are we whispering to if not to Allah?
He knows what we need, long before we even realize that we need it.
He knows what we want now, and only gives it to us when the time is right.
The funny thing is, sometimes we want things so bad, but then we easily forget about them. So sometimes we don't even realize that our prayers have been answered.
~*~*~*~*
I secretly suspect that some people wanted the world to end 21/12/12. But reflecting on how lightly we treat this prophecy, I was stunned by a FB status of a friend that more or less goes along the lines of, "Even if it isn't the end of the world, don't forget that it could be the end of your world."
So why mock the Mayans when there is pure evidence that we can drop dead at any time?
Yes, remembering that death is always with us is hard, because I also fail in this. When seeing this status baru terkejut.
~*~*~*~*
Lastly, approaching the end of this year, please settle as may as you can the whatever issues or questions that lies in your heart (a reminder to myself also). Time, if not destiny will sort everything out exactly in the way it should be in the end anyway. Enter the new year with as few carry-over problems as possible!
So stressed that all I want to do is sleep. Maybe tomorrow I'll change my mind and finally believe I can do this. Until tomorrow comes, Please just leave me here. Don't ask me anything. If I run away, please don't come searching. Just wait, maybe I'll come back when it is all settled.
When little, I always wonder how is it possible that the years in heaven and hell is not comparable to the years on earth.
I wonder what is 'forever'.
When people say: a day in the hereafter is like a 1000 years on earth, I just can't compute that. My weak logic and limited knowledge does not equip me with the ability to grasp the meaning of this.
So how long is our lives, really?
1 year= 365 days= 365 000 years in akhirah
Average lifespan= 78 years
So a human lives and dies in the span of= 365 000 x 78= 28,470,000= 28.47 million akhirah years.
For me, I am approaching 29 years old, which is equivalent to 10.585 million akhirah years.
Wow, that makes me feel even older. But still, these numbers are so empty, I still can't imagine forever.
Taking it further, if we are to die for a year, we are already inside barzakh for 365,000 years. Blessed or tortured for all those years. But when the time come for Qiamat, we feel that we are only in the grave for a short time.
Now, consider the theory of Einstein's relativity: the faster you move through space, the slower you move through time. Even while typing this I feel a kind of fear. It is as though we are actually moving through time at a pace that is slower than anything! Anything that can move through space fast enough will see us moving through our lives as though in slow motion.
OK, back to the calculations: 1 day has 24 hours and this translates to 1 hour akhirah ~ 1000/ 24= 41.67 earth years.
1 hour has 60 minutes so 1 minute ~ 0.7 years.
You know what this means right? Our whole lives, if we take the number of years, can fit into just approximately 2 hours in akhirah. Subhanallah.
I've always wondered, at Mahsyar, how can I stand waiting for all people to be judged. Furthermore, they say each of us will be made to witness what have done in our years on earth. So, wouldn't there be ample time to look at others?
But now, evidently there is no time. Even time does not make sense there because everything that takes place in Akhirat is already way beyond our laws of physics. Everything would happen at a rate that is unimaginable. Even our lives can be fit into just two hours (yes, provided that hours exist there...this is just facilitate our understanding). Like a researcher studying the locomotion of snails, nothing occur at surprising speed right? So every little thing is noted, nothing is missed because we are now dealing with things at a whole new different level.
So we only have two hours to make it or break it, and this is assuming that we live until 84 years old... The length is just like the time to complete a short exam. Considering all this, do we still have time for little things, feeding our egos as though we are the most important in the universe? Our time is running out and we don't even realize it.
All of this somehow reminds me of bacteria. I've always been fascinated by them, how they evolve and grow at exponential rate. Ever wonder how is the time concept in bacteria world? Just imagine, 24000 generations after just 11 years. In our years, that would mean we are just fresh into our teens while the bacteria maybe has a rich history of love and war, continuing its will to survive generation after generation.
Dear friend, this is reality. Our concept of time is just a way for us to manage our lives, breaking it into small manageable parts. In truth, everything is so far beyond us. So with this, until the day comes when we are blessed with illumination of knowledge and the realization of how small and insignificant we are compared to the universe, I guess we should all go do the best we can in this mere minute of our life. Nothing will escape judgment, this I am sure.
Imagine you are the researcher looking at a snail moving, you don't miss anything right?
There is something not resolved in my heart.
I regard this blog as a piece of my own, a little corner of cyberspace where I am not judged o dictated because all come from me.
Nevertheless the illusion of freedom has its price.
I wonder, why can't you just let me be?
Sometimes words just come out, a way to make sense of the shooting of thoughts inside my head. It may be about me, about the people around me and even about my imagination. It may or may not be true when we go about in the real world and you happen to stumble upon me at the walkway. It is just a way for expression, not a statement of truth. Or maybe it is. Either way, why judge?
I can't stand it if I'm muffled at my own blog. I can't take it to be silenced just because what I say does not sit well with others. The easy way is to open another blog, anonymous and free. But if you are only free anonymously, doesn't this translate into an invisible prison? Just as long as what I do don't trample on any boundaries, why should I run?
What I write, I take full responsibility. You, on the other hand, should be responsible for your own thoughts. I won't be held responsible for something I don't have any control over. I am fully able of taking anything in stride, fully able of taking in the punches in life and walk proud again. My heart is whole and weakness is only a passing state until I find solace in the belief that God is Just, God is Loving and God is the Almighty.
So as of this moment, if you happen to see me passing by the walkway with a mug of coffee in hand, please guard your heart and mind. I am fine, and infinitely surprised that you would think anything other than that.
Be careful! It can be this easy:
"York psychologist, Professor Arthur Arun, has been studying why people
fall in love. He asked his subjects to carry out the [below] 3 steps
and found that many of his couples felt deeply attracted after the 34
minute experiment. Two of his subjects later got married":
1. Find a complete stranger.
2. Reveal to each other intimate details about your lives for half an hour.
3. Then, stare deeply into each other’s eyes without talking for four minutes.
My take on this:
1st step awkward.
2nd step weird.
3rd step I think I'd just die in those 4 minutes.(Gila lama dan tak selesa).
This week is a mess.
Monday: work, Tuesday: Deepavali holiday, Wednesday: work, Thursday: Awal Muharram holiday and finally today: work.
Tak sempat set mind, dah kena tukar.
To add salt to injury, the university is not even full. Many of my colleagues are away on a holiday or elsewhere. I can't do that because I've spent all of my holidays since the middle of the year (1st job dah banyak cuti :p haha).
~
I've missed you, my dear corner of cyberspace. It's been a while so let's just talk.
~
I'm now at work, listening to a Roxette hit CD that I've bought at a roadside stall in Ferringhi Night Market. I've been quoting Roxette lyrics in my head since several weeks ago.
When I chanced upon the profile pic of my silly crush, in my head it rang:
"Hello, you fool, I love you. Come join the joyride"
When I'm all powered up:
"I'm gonna get dressed for success!"
If I thought about a love that can never be:
"Make believing that we're together, that I'm sheltered by your heart..."
Haha, yeah, there is a radio in my head. My earbug is the whole album (-_-')*
~
How can I do an intermission between these random thoughts? I do not like it when people use too much fullstops in their conversation. It makes me think they're talking slow and I have no patience for that. My limit is just 4 dots, if you put 6 dots then I am mentally erasing those dots in my mind frantically and I get agitated. Boleh? Dots pun boleh buat agitated. Guess it is just a pet peeve I have.
~
Eh, dah pukul 5. I got to get going now, ada flight to KB. C u later iAllah!
Menongkah arus mendayung sampan, Gelapnya hari semakin kelam, Hati memberat penuh harapan, Kasih tersimpan masih terdiam Sirih dipinang kapur gambir, Letak bersusun diatas peti, Walau mahu meniti dibibir, Kata mati didalam hati Sayang sungguh si anak rusa, Dibela pula oleh si nyonya, Bukan tempatnya meluah rasa, Andainya benci pula akhirnya Kemarau lama hujan dinanti, Bermudik kapal tanpa kemudi, Berputik lama cinta dihati, Masih ternanti jodoh terjadi Andai tuan pergi ke Jeti, Bawakan saya burung kedidi, Andai kehujung masih ternanti Mungkin tiada takdirnya terjadi Membazir masa dalam khayalnya Sedangkan hidup perlukan kudrat Kemudi hidup hanya bagiNya Tiada jodoh bukanlah berat Cekalkan diri jernihkan hati, Kekal mendaki puncak tertinggi, KeredhaanNya saja diharap nanti, Pasti rahmatNya bernilai lagi ~nur_aqli, 2012
I'm sleepy.
I got a visit to a very important place tomorrow with my students and the bus is set to come at 8.00 a.m tomorrow morning. The very nice officer that will be receiving us tomorrow already said that she's looking forward to see me as I am as ecstatic to see her.
But now it is 1.21 a.m in the morning and I'm just beginning to type this.
I'm afraid I got to meet the officer with raccoon eyes tomorrow but I.just.got.to.get.this.out.of.my.chest.
So here goes.
Last weekend was as awesome as awesome could be. I was tired out of my mind and my body worked overtime. I was part of the organizing committee for my office's family day (technically it is days but let's not let our OCD to get the better of us here). There were many glitches but we overcame each hurdle that came our way. But we somewhat hijacked the whole show from the program director, or more rightly, he just left everything to us. This glaring ineptness of our program director is a constant pain in the neck but hey, the show must go on and he took the back seat. But all is over now and it was, I must say, a HUGE success! We did it! Gile-ah, but we did it! Yeayyyyy!
Then after the journey back, some of us fell into this conversation about the responsibilities of husband and wife. We talked about the supreme position of the mother for the son (read: husband) and the supreme position of the husband to the wife. Mother-son, mother-child has no contest. But when we come to husband-wife, stories of over dominant husbands emerged. Stories of over dominant and irrational husbands that the wives would have to obey, regardless of the circumstances except when what the husband requires or asks for is not aligned to al-Quran and as-Sunnah. I wondered why would they (the husbands) do that? Why would they be so mean? The answer was, "saje nak tunjuk kuasa lah tu /they're just showing their power."
A thought immediately came to me: if we are required to succumb to the wishes of our husband, if we must follow his orders and guidance then that husband must be someone of sound judgment, someone who I can actually rest my hopes and worries, someone whom I can trust won't let me down but will lead me to the right way. I am not particularly someone to just suck it in and bear everything so I'd rather the person I choose to be my husband to be someone whose judgment and knowledge I trust. If not, rest assured the marriage would be hell.
Then I remembered something in fb: it was a statement going along the lines of if a girl does not know how to cook, how to dress, how to take care of the family and everything it is a major sin but if a boy does not know how to be an Imam it is a small issue and often overlooked. Although this statement is quite controversial, it still has some truth in it. Why is the spotlight always on the girl? Why are we subjected to such microscopic scrutiny when the ones supposed to be our Imam, those whom we look to for guidance gets away with so much?
It is unfair and alarmingly worrying.
The traditional roles of husband is to be the provider and the wife is supposed to hold the fort, to take care of the house and family. But, has this role as the provider be considered deeply? I think our society now is disillusioned, we have taken the wrong understanding of it all. The would-be husbands, our youth, must be equipped with the skills and capacity to be an effective leader/ Imam. Then only they can be the navigator of the family's/wife's fate. If not, better they step aside and let others take the rein.
Let's just go back to our inept program director. My question would be, "Why select an ineffective leader in the first place?" Surprisingly the answer is because a man is usually the prime candidate for leadership regardless of capability. It is sad when the question of who tales the helm is settled by what type of genitals you have. Sorry for being so harsh but this practice is rampant in our society. For instance, the other day when the students are electing their new president a girl candidate got the highest votes but she got up, declined the position and said that it is more appropriate for a boy to take the helm. And the boy was not even willing! But in the end, majority rules and he got elected. I am not saying the new president is ineffective but what riles me up is why the leaders not elected based on their capabilities?
Yes, it is stated everywhere that in a mixed group, a man would be more suited to be the leader. Fine. But why? If he is up to it I am ok but sometimes there are so many more who are better than him.
Go back to the husband and wife. If the husband is not up to the job, why is he even a husband? If the husband is someone that is irrational and power-crazy that he makes bad decisions, why put him there as a husband? He shouldn't have married if he ends up being the major source of misery for the wife and children.
My point is being a husband, being a leader, being an Imam is so much responsibility. So many sets of skills to acquire and to master. When these requirements are met then only will a great family, a great team, a great ummah will emerge. Yes the men should be the priority, but only when they are fit for the job. If they are not then they should give way to those who are better. When the time comes when the hands that rock a cradle have to shake the world, the men should be ashamed. The shame should be so unbearable that they fix things up and be a great husband, leader, Imam.
Let us the women be what we were made to be: a mother, a lover, a friend and confidante. Don't let us be also the provider, the protector and the builder of ummah. But just so you know, if you keep this shitty act up then of course we will run the show. Then suddenly the nightmare of Amazonia would have to come true.
"The secret was such an old one now, had so grown into me and become a part of myself, that I could not tear it away.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Maybe, just maybe.
At times when things get so confusing that I just stood still, I wished that somehow it would end.
This need shouldn't be there at all. I should be sufficient or just turn to Allah.
At times, when I feel the need pressing, I'd feel a huge abyss within the confines of myself get bigger and deeper.
I still can go on, of course. There was never any doubt about the ability to go on alone. Especially when I see somebody else need it more than me. At least I know that I am able to go on. Maybe even fated that way because what I have to do encompasses so much more than just my immediate surroundings.
What this means is maybe what I am destined to do is something that must be done alone. For God knows what reason.
Slowly I've beginning to not care about that reason. For what? Knowing the reason won't help. Everything that should happen will happen regardless of what reason.
I envy vagabonds. They don't stay at a place for too long to be tied down by anything, anyone. They never need anything. They never get attached or suddenly one fine day have a need for anyone. They just do their thing and move on. No complications there.
I suspect that anyone reading this, after I was gone for so long, might suspect that I am a wee bit depressed. I don't know about that. I just hate the need. I don't want to want anything from anyone that they don't give it to me freely. This is the old ragged secret, but maybe now the players have changed.
Why must I be caught in the pattern of begging? Allah has made us not to be beggars. We are His slaves but armed with free will. And beggars don't have free will. They are just driven by need, need, need until the end.
Sad fate.
“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
I questioned myself why can't Allah be sufficient? He is, He is. It is me who is desperately undeserving and ungrateful.
I turn to Him whenever possible but maybe my heart is blackened by my countless sins. How can the light shine through?
At least, at least I know it to be so.
So maybe I can silence my heart for a while and make it listen and obey, because now the little heart knows what is at stake.
Let this go.
“We changed again, and yet again, and it was now too late and too far to go back, and I went on. And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and the world lay spread before me.” ~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations
Begini sajalah: engkau tidak akan mengenal erti dahaga sehingga engkau berpuasa dan berumrah dalam bulan Ramadan.
Engkau tidak akan mengenal betapa mahalnya kesabaran sehingga engkau berhimpit-himpit dikalangan jutaan jiwa-jiwa yang sama menagih simpati Tuhan.
Engkau tidak akan faham betapa azabnya jika matahari sejengkal dikepala di Mahsyar nanti sehingga engkau duduk berdoa dan bertawaf dalam bahang yang menyesakkan.
Tapi, aku mengharap mungkin engkau akan dapat mengenal kesyukuran dalam hanya segelas air zam zam yang dihulurkan oleh tangan orang yang bersimpati. Masa itu terasa rendahnya diri, kelemahan sahaja yang ada. Ketahuilah betapa bernilainya tawaran telaga Kauthar kepunyaan Rasulullah s.a.w sebagai penawar dalam kedashyatan kiamat.
Itulah yang selalu berada dalam fikiranku sepanjang disana: jika di Mekah dan Madinah saja sudah begini, bagaimana di Hari Pembalasan nanti?
Cuaca disana memang seperti boleh mendidihkan kepala. Rasanya memang seperti dalam oven. Pokok-pokok hijau susah dinampak, yang ada hanya debu-debu kering dan batu-batu. Dan oleh kerana terlalu ramai orang, maka banyaklah sampahnya. Nasib baik ramai pekerja-pekerja yang setia berdiri disepanjang jalan, menyapu sampah-sampah yang kadangkala sengaja dibuang dijalanan oleh peniaga dan pelanggan.
Orang-orang disana...astaghfirullah. Yang sentiasa difikiran: Sucilah Allah dari segala apa yang mereka sifatkan.
Bila berbuka puasa, ramai yang bersedekah. Tersangat ramai yang bermurah hati. Tetapi bila dikumpulkan sedekah itu dalam plastik, semua berebut-rebut, menjerit-jerit seperti bergaduh. Semua mahu ambil, seolah-olah sedekah itu haknya untuk mendapatkan. Ada juga yang boleh saja meminta apa yang berada dalam tangan orang lain. Keadaan bila terlalu ramai umat memang sangat dashyat.
Bagaimana pula di Raudhah? Semua orang berebut-rebut mendapatkan walau seinci ruang taman syurga itu untuk memohon doa. Semua bertolak-tolakan sampai ada yang terjatuh. Mahu bersujud pun dalam hati berdoa agar kepala tidak dipijak. Orang-orang yang sebelumnya menurut perintah ketua, tiba-tiba lupa dan melepaskan diri seolah-olah mereka takut ditipu dan dirampas peluang berdoa disana. Sebelum masuk kami diberi amaran ada yang melakukan pukau didalam sana. Astaghfirullah, bagaimana iu boleh berlaku?
Apabila beribadat, tidak kisah di Mekah atau Madinah, ada juga yang terlalu pentingkan diri dan kadangkala berkelakuan bodoh. Dikala waktu hendak solat, tiba-tiba ada yang melabuhkan punggung ditempat sujud. Atau waktu ketika solat, ramai yang berlaluan dihadapan tanpa memikirkan orang lain. Ada yang mahu lalu dari saf belakang hingga saf hadapan, tapi merentasi semua saf-saf menggunakan "brute force" seperti bulldozer. Ada yang sudah duduk tapi enggan merapatkan saf kerana angkuh, sehingga segala teguran orang tidak diendah.
Lintasan hati yang jahat memang perlu dijaga. Walau bagaimana ragam mereka disana, kami semua tetamu Allah swt. Walaupun dia busuk, tak mandi, kotor...dia tetap tetamu Allah swt. Biarlah dia sombong, angkuh, bodoh...dia pun tetap tetamu Allah swt. Satu perkara yang harap dapat belajar dari sana ialah berbaik sangka dan menjaga lintasan hati yang jahat. Satu pengajaran ialah bila aku solat sebelah seorang yang sangat tidak menyenangkan baunya, tetapi bila aku terdengar bisikan solatnya, dia ternyata seorang hafizah. Malu aku sendiri. Aku yang konon-konon lebih baik pada hukuman aku sendiri tapi Allah swt lebih mengetahui dan diperlihatkan betapa orang disebelah aku itu jauh beribu kali baik dariku.
Akhirnya aku putuskan yang kita ini semua terlalu memerlukan perubahan drastik dalam nilai penghayatan ilmu dalam amal. Allah kan sukakan kebersihan, jadi kenapa kotor? Allah kan suka toleransi, jadi kenapa degil? Allah kan sukakan berjemaah, mengapa melakukan perkara yang menghalangnya? Allah kan Maha Lembut, jadi mengapa kasar? Allah kan Maha Adil, mengapa zalim? Allah sudah meninggikan orang yang berilmu, jadi mana mereka?
Semua yang aku lihat seolah-olah bertentangan dari prinsip yang dianjurkan Islam. Bagaimana boleh jadi begitu?
Ini bagiku, ialah kegagalan orang yang berilmu. Kau sedar tak, orang-orang tadi yang aku sebutkan, yang berebut-rebut, yang kotor dan kasar itu, mungkin semuanya masuk syurga? Kerana mereka hanya akan ditanyakan atas apa yang mereka tahu. Mereka hanya dipertanggungjawabkan atas apa yang mereka mampu sahaja. Kita yang sepatutnya tahu lebih, yang mengenali hakikat yang sebetulnya mungkin akan masuk neraka kerana lansung tak berfungsi untuk mengubah nasib dan perlakuan umat.
Mestilah ada tujuan mengapa kau diberi pemahaman. Kalau setakat untuk engkau dan keluarga kau sahaja, macam membazir. Mengapa Islam itu tidak bersempadan? Sebab kita tak pernah dihadkan. Semua, semuanya adalah tanggungjawab engkau. Kalau masih begini umat kita, macam mimpi saja zaman kegemilangan gelombang kedua yang diwar-warkan akan berlaku itu.
Nanti bila jasad semua dah jadi debu dan roh perlu menjawab, baik kau berdoa dari sekarang yang kau ada jawapan.
Salam and hi.
Before anything, if anyone misses me, I just want to say I miss you too.
(And if you love me and actually tell me, then maybe I love you too) <== pernyataan penuh disclaimer :p
I've been meaning to write a note or two, but it seems like all of it are stories with grey connotations: sad, weary, angry, hopelessness, frustrations...but it isn't really the whole kaleidoscope of my life. There are no abundance of grey in any particular moment. This is only due to the simple reason that I write when an over rush of feelings overwhelm me or I got a sudden inspiration.
So this probably mean that I can't support myself by writing. Ala..and I was just considering to leave science..
A bit on career:
I'm scarred. Don't think I'll ever get over the trauma. People don't like to hear anything about it, they just tell you to put in away in the past where it belongs. But they don't understand, it is like a ghost. Following you around with an axe behind your neck. All the while you're trying hard to forget the old frosty feeling of cold hard steel of the blade.
Move on is what I got to do and steel my heart from the frantic desire to run and hide under the table every time I remembered the thundering past.
Remember that everything lies within the will of Allah swt. People can stop you all they want, but not all who soar needs the wings to fly.
A bit about love:
If ever I find you, at the right time to find you, I hope it is the right time you find me too. I want to remind myself to scold you for being so late and letting me go through all of those things, just to get to you. After that, you can do the same to me. Then we'll compare notes: at which point in time that our paths probably crossed but you and I both were not ready to find each other yet? What were you doing? What was I doing? Then we'll laugh it off, feeling completely contented and warm in heart with the realization that finally, it was fated to happen. Alhamdulillah.
My head hurts and I feel as though a big leech has drained all the blood in me.
I've been going on non-stop on this dreary mountain climb. The skies are filled with dark blue and grey hues. The wind is whistling softly, barely giving relief.
I've exhausted all of my energy but the journey will not end anytime soon. The burden I carry, which at first was light now feels like a tonne. I still remember the first day I set out: I was the King of the world. I ran from North to the East, moonwalking from the South to the West.
But now, the road feels long, long...and unending.
They saw how I ran, so they thought they could put their weight on me. During the safety of midnight they would huddle together and whisper, "She could do it, far better than us. Give it to her."
And so they did. They were hesitant at first, but they got over the guilt.
They piled everything, then forgot about it. Vying for an empty spot, they'd grab it once they have a chance. I was blinded, so there was no way I could evade them. So my load became increasingly heavier, heavier. And theirs became increasingly lighter, lighter.
But,
Their voices became louder. They felt the invisible weight, as if it was still with them. They cried, "Our load is still breaking our backs. We can only sit still."
In the shadows, I laughed at their disillusion.
Seriously, is there a disease of invisible burden like the case of invisible limbs of amputees?
Did they not see whose back was broken?
Whose hands still bleed?
Don't they see me who lag behind them, carrying all that they piled on me?
In my eyes, they became like crazy people.
I'm the only sane one here, but my back is broken, my hands are still bleeding and I still walk behind.
So I'd wish for some of that insanity, to break free from reality for a while. But then I shook my head, shaking off those dirty thoughts off my mind. Let them be satisfied by their minimum effort to get by. Like someone swimming, always at the edge of the water and never attempting the depths. What a waste.
Resigned from what was restricted of me, I moved on. Leaving all their howlings behind.
I got myself a new phone. My old RM 75 phone is now functioning as an address book only.
That is the fate of a phone that won't function as a phone (I can't hear others speak).
It is actually not planned, I just got fed up with the old one and furthermore, I've fallen in love.
Since the first time I held Lumia in my hand, my heart just drops and I know that this is the one for me. I heard many things about Lumia: how it doesn't function when dialling *100# or that Windows phone is not as popular as the iPhone or Blackberry or Androids.
I considered those phones immensely. They have so many attributes that surpass Lumia but I don't know, I just can't seem to fall for them. Sure, they have the looks, the accessibility, the ease that comes with popularity (because many people use them so troubleshooting is a breeze). Lumia has nothing to show yet, because it is a wildcard. No one knows what to expect. A salesperson even said that because not many people opted for Lumia, it is risky business to go for it and I would certainly get the short end of the deal.
I considered all these, but I can't seem to get Lumia out of my mind.
In my head I make long decisions, contemplating and weighing everything. But the personality of my head is not the same with my heart. My heart makes decisions swiftly, if I truly want it then to hell with other things. If I don't really want it as much, then my heart doesn't care and just leave it to the head.
So now, the heart decides to say something: Lumia. And of course there were no contest.
I went to the salesperson and adamantly say that I want Lumia 710. At the end of the transaction, when they give me the phone, he even concedes that even if he sells the phone, he doesn't have an inkling on how to actually use it.
It is that unpopular.
But then again, what does popularity got to do with me? This is a chance to explore, to commit and to break through all of the barriers. This is what love cost you.
Now I am perfectly happy with my Lumia.
It does not have the ability to call *100#, it can't bluetooth, it can't send/ receive MMS.
Seriously disadvantageous for a 'smartphone'.
But still I made the decision to commit, knowing that there will be shortcomings.
Love does that to you it seems.
Maybe, just maybe love between two people is this way also? ;)
ATTENTION: Love again. Bored with it? Go somewhere else.
The other day, I was thinking of how much I don't want to love that I asked my Ustazah,
"Akak, boleh tak kalau saya taknak rasa hendak? Saya taknak lansung rasa ingin tu"
Ustazah was about to answer, but then she got a call on her mobile.
Before answering that call she said,
"Tak boleh. Itu kan fitrah"
.
.
.
And I know she is right. I was just asking to know is there any other answer.
Mind you, I am not trying to deny nature, destiny and all that. All I want is to be free from this feeling of helplessness. It's making me feel like a needy person. Kan tak patut tu.
Entah.
At times when I feel so helpless and alone, I thought that if I need it this much, I must not deserve it. This is because I have unwittingly put it above the One love that is supposed to be, you know, One. Only when the love for Allah swt is above all else will we find true peace. Anything other than that is just a flimsy mirage.
Moreover, if I take a moment to not think about myself, I see so many people needing that kind of love so much more than me. At least I am not dying from it.
Some people are, you know. It's like the need eats them up inside. These are the people I pray will someday find someone to fill that void, because they look like they need it more than me.
So, does this mean that I don't really want to settle?
Entah.
At the end, my Ustazah said, "orang kata kita akan jumpa orang yang sama dengan kita"
This made me think that if "sama" means same and not 'serasi or sekufu" then it is again hard for me. I've always thought that if there were two people like me, the world would be upside down. Haha, perasan tak? Nevertheless, I do think I'm rare. That is what I always hear and easier to use for rationalization ;)
In front of my computer, trying to make sense of science journals but my mind can't focus because I keep thinking about the class I had earlier. Suddenly a colleague came and asked,
"Ada kelas ke tadi?"
"A'ah..kelas pagi tadi"
"Ada mood lagi nak kerja? Kalau akak, dah takde mood dah"
"..."
...Terus I tulis blog.
They have a nickname for me now: Ulat bulu.
Hampeh kan?
Haha, I don't mind because actually they are implying that I am an "ulat buku", meaning nerdy.
But having said that, I don't like that the same name also implies that I am a workaholic. Because I am not. I am just someone working my ass off because I can't afford to do it any other way. I am like this because I got to keep running to keep up with the things that I want to achieve, they are not stopping to wait for me.
All other people have different set of problems, different set of situations. It is not fair to judge other people when all you can see is what is apparent to you. Each of us are like icebergs: what you see on the surface is just a small fraction of what is hidden underwater.
A number of people have commented to me:
"Put the glass down, take a break"
"I think you are very focused"
"Don't think too much!"
.
.
.
All of these comments made me think: am I that intense? But reflecting on the things I have in my head and on my shoulders, I am unable to rationalize or explain myself why am I doing things the way I do. There is really no other way, not that I know of anyway.
Let's just list all of these things that are bugging me:
1. My dad is in the hospital again. My mom is also there to wait for my dad. My siblings, many of whom are still on their holidays could come to the hospital and wait for him. We really can't do anything: mostly it just makes us feel better to be nearer to Ayah and Ma, not the other way around. But my parents always want us to go on with our lives, to keep doing the things required for us to move on. Even though all we want is to be by their side, all they want is for us to not worry about them and keep excelling in our lives. So, to take leave or holidays just because of Ayah is something that he does not like. So it hurts me when some people comment carelessly the other day to me:
"Kenapa tak pergi hospital tunggu Ayah? Pergilah, takkan tu pun tak boleh fikir"
This judgmental comment hurts me to the core, the mere suggestion that I am delaying to go to my family. So in the future, be careful of dictating the action of others: you don't know the true situations and the type of choices that I have to make.
2. I have to start doing research at my university. But I am alone in this, no where to turn to or to seek help because as my x-supervisors like to say, my wings have been cut. To fly again would be a near-impossible feat. I have no access to machines, no one knows me and I have no money. The students are depending on me to guide them on projects. But because I told myself that I want to be as far removed from my past as I can be, I have to learn everything again. There are hundred of things to read, so I am still feeling my way in the dark. To do the things I want to do, there are so many procedures: I have to write proposals, apply for ethics clearance, get patients and samples, develop methods, yada yada yada. So many things. These are all piled up in front of me like a menacing mountain, the winds whispering poisonous thoughts like "you are not able to do this" "you will fail" "you are stupid and incapable" "you are just a nobody" "you are just one person" "people will know and you will fall". With each whisper, the strength is sapped little by little. It is like an open wound, the blood slowly coming out, draining you of the will to go on. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because I could be suddenly be hit by the memories I had during the last days of my PhD. I told myself that I am unaffected and certainly on good days I am the strongest person in the world. But some days it hit me again and I am down in the mud. So now I am taking baby steps until I am fully recovered. The healing point only came recently, when I was talking about the possibility of going back, of mending severed ties, a friend said to me
"Lupakan diorang. Just forget about them"
With those words, I know it is final and that I should really try to forget and do things on my own.
So now I am trying to forge new ties with other researchers, and building the foundation for my own research. It is like a victim of an accident: you got to make yourself to drive a car again even though you're traumatized like hell. But now I have met people whom I think I can work with to do research. But let's just try this one step at a time. I am afraid to say anything for fear that it won't work out.
Hmm..that's another thing. The research here is not widely practiced like in the public universities, so doing research here is not an easy feat. The things I hear over and over again are like:
"I can't do research because I don't have time. You're different because you have plenty of time"
"Biasalah, you kan ada momentum sekarang. Nanti lama-lama nanti dah hilang momentum tak boleh lah buat research"
"We are a private university, so we don't have enough machines. That is why I don't do my research, it is too difficult to get access to machines"
"Masa bujang senang la, nanti dah ada komitmen nanti susahlah"
"Awal-awal dulu I pun macam you. Naive and bersemangat nak buat research. But after some time, you will know"
This last excuse paling kurang asam because it implies that I will also fail like them eventually. But for me all of these are lame excuses. Lame! I wonder what they think of me, that all of these come easy to me? Every step is like a thorn in my shoe, harder to go on. But still I press on, praying that each forward step would not be the last. However, if my sin is only because I am being idealistic, then let me be. Just don't bog me down with your pessimism. I don't want to be unmotivated or just getting by. Mediocrity should not be anyone's goal.
3. I wonder if I am fit to be a lecturer. Sometimes I think I confuse them more rather than helping them. The morning tutorial today was the worst. I sometimes catch myself playing with the idea of doing a postdoc and build myself again in what I failed during my PhD. I really got to find something that I am good at. If this goes on, I am just a useless lifeless body going through times until I come to the end of the line.
4. How to start building my life? So many things to plan and think about: buying a new car, a new house, rearranging my finances, a new phone, a new computer...
5. Last but not least, where the hell is my prince charming? If you finally come in the future, I would certainly ask you this question.
So these are the major things in my mind. They take up most of the traffic in my head. So again, there is no rest. Rest will only come in death.
I don't write much anymore.
Why?
I used to think that I am a writer, but if I don't write, then how?
.
.
.
Now I am busy with work. I never thought I'd be a workaholic, but I am afraid if I show the symptoms of turning into one. Sometimes I am baffled, why am I so busy? Why are all others not as kelam-kabut as I am; head filled with things to do, problems to solve, things to work out.
Before this I thought I am busy because of the PhD and after finishing that I'd have more time to spend with my family.
But work demands so much, there is so much to achieve. This is made difficult because I am now alone in my work, I have to start everything from scratch. The burden and pressure to prove yourself again to others is sometimes a difficult process.
The traffic in my head is like a 24-hour busy highway. At least now the traffic report is smooth; no held up traffic due to broken traffic lights or accidents. If that happens, it disrupts the whole balance of my being. As of now, everything is ok.
I know now that time is really a form of rizq. The way you spend your time is as important as how you spend your rizq. If Allah does not permit it, you won't get to do anything about it. These are all ordinary realities; things people say all the time like an auto-response to a complaint about being busy and having no time. But it is only now that I realize its importance.
I feel that I appreciate things more now, things that are happening around me now always carry a taint that says its temporary. This realization that nothing is everlasting lingers on my mind so much that even if something is just starting, I'm already imagining what I'd do if it were to end. I am constantly aware and afraid that the things I hold dear will be taken away from me with brute force and with no time to react. Everything happens in its due course, whether you are ready for it or not is unimportant.
One of my hopes while Ayah was in the operating theater for emergency operation is that Allah will still grant me my wish even though I've sinned so much. I felt so inadequate when faced with situations where I have no control over anything. In the end, it all went well and Ayah's bleeding stopped. Although now it is not all over yet, at least for that period of time, we were blessed with a miracle. But then, I came across this in facebook:
Don't stop making du'a even though you sin. Allah answered the du'a of
Shaytan "grant me respite until the Day of Judgement ~Sheikh Abu
Abdissalam
So even the devil's wish was granted, so you have to keep making doa. You can't afford to stop anyway because you have no control over anything.
Salam :)
So how is 2012 treating you lately?
I hope it has been kind.
For me, the first days of January was very much a blur: I started my new job, moved closer to workplace, Ayah warded and operated, back and forth between work and hospital and so on.
But I managed to keep with the tradition: to gather with cousins only for the eve of new year and start the year with celebration and laughter. I'm glad I went because I almost passed because I thought I wouldn't manage (My first day on the job was 3rd Jan, so konon2 busy prepare for work. Padahal gabra :p ).
Taking it back a bit, I also went to the Twins of Faith Family Festival on 24th and 25th Dec.
I am very much thankful that I was among the 3000 individual who were given the chance to join the event. Every time I think of my time there, I feel thankful and can't wait to join the next one.
There were several things that I learnt there and the knowledge was made more profound because I went alone. I don't know, but leaving me with my thoughts after the sessions...silence unbroken even through the noise of thousands of people was surrounding me, makes me feel so specially alone. Like I am a lone ranger embarking on an adventure.
What most shocked me when I went there is the degree of variety of the participants. The ones attending are not only those with black veils, big turbans or long flowing dresses. There were many who were wearing jeans, t-shirts, all kinds of headscarves and even those who were not wearing headscarves.
Yes, there were not one, but several of the women attending were not wearing any covering on their heads.
And these were the people who I am most jealous of.
I am jealous that although there were not yet a fully practising Muslim, they were trying hard to be one. What kind of person dare to come to an Islamic event with the sole purpose of obtaining knowledge to finally come to a conviction that Islam is truly the truth without any regard of what others think of them?
I am jealous because it is so clear to me that they are getting the hidayah, but they themselves have not realize it yet. They just need a little push toward the right path, and surely, with time and patience, they will find it. And there is the very real possibility of them being a better person compared to you and I.
But what about me? What about you?
Are we getting the hidayah? We are now at a certain level, but the question remains: why are we at this particular level and not higher? What are we doing to ourselves that we don't have the hidayah, the desire to attain a higher level? Surely there is something wrong.
Sometimes I get angry with myself for sins that I do, sometimes without remorse. Beat myself up over it, all this time. But early this year, I chanced upon Dr Zaharuddin Abd Rahman's status:
Jangan mengeji diri sendiri secara berlafaz (kecuali ketika taubat), kerana ia hanya akan memberikan tubuh kita lanjutan perasaan kegagalan dan negatif, lalu bakal membawa rantaian kegagalan dan kesalahan yg lain, kerana ia telah memasuki minda separa sedar kita menjadi seperti racun berbisa. Kerana itu, Islam mengajar bila kegagalan, kesukaran dan musibah tertimpa, ucaplah "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil", La hawla wala quwwata illa billah" dan "inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raa'jiun". Kemudian, positifkanlah dirimu. Kamu boleh...!
I try to picture myself and I feel sorry for the person I am. I am my own worst enemy. I am shocked at how unfriendly I was toward my own self. But I cannot find any justice on how I abuse my own self image because I try very hard, going through the day, moment by moment. So I don't need my own self to discount my efforts or taint it with undeserved criticism.
So this is my main resolution for the year:
To be my own best friend!
And then, this would include cheering myself on in my efforts to: slim down, to help my family, to do my work the best as I am able, to buy a house, to get rich, to be loved, to be a good scholar and to be a Muslim who actually makes a difference!
Just ask yourself this: if your presence or absence doesn't make any difference in the world, then why are you here at all?
*This question is adapted more or less from Hamka. When I am rajin, I'll get the right quote. But if I am kurang rajin skit, I think you get the idea ;)
