The reason we must all go to heaven

A friend said that people who don't find their soulmate/spouse in this world should be patient because surely you'll find them in heaven.
But then I thought that I must make sure I go to heaven because if I go to hell then I'll be condemned and tortured for all eternity and be forever alone even in the afterlife.
And if I am fated to go to hell first and then go to heaven after I've paid for all my sins, how'd embarrassing that would be?
He'll say to me, "Hey, now I know why you're late" while pointing at the big sign on my forehead that says

:[Just came back from Hell]:

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That may be the only possible reason why someone would voluntarily want to be thrown into hell again :p

A drop in the ocean

I am now searching for a new thing to do research about.
I now have to be responsible for two mini research projects for the students.
I am all excited to do my bit to get the Nobel Prize but...
Initially, I wanted it to be as far apart from my past so that I don't have to even consider the possibility of bumping into them again.
But then, I realized that I've been doing what I've been doing for so long that I don't know how to do something else.
Haih..it's hard to get away.
Then I wonder what are my options in this field? Maybe if I pick a different thing but still within the confines of my experience and knowledge, I can still do it.
Ilmu Allah kan luas, all we have is just a drop.
So, gotta keep searching!

Seriously, love is not your only problem

You know what I've been doing all this while?
Apart from the time at the hospital, I've been dosing myself with an overdose of Korean drama series. Next week I'm planning to not let myself be lulled into believing this illusion of perpetual holiday. I got to start preparing for the next stage of life next year! A new job, a new place, new chances and opportunities.
What would be in store for me next year?
Haha, that is for Allah to know and for me to find out ;)
But watching these shows got me thinking how easy it is to win a woman's heart. A bit of care and thoughtfulness for the other person is all that it takes. I think everyone knows this, even if they don't always remember. Love is also not a business transaction, so you can't do things and then expect things to come right back at you. There is no price to pay. It is free to be given away. But only according to the freewill of concerned parties. It is also not always recognizable, you could be someone's moon and stars but you don't even have an inkling of the situation.
So, please be careful at who you be nice to. If they fall and love you, sometimes you don't even notice. So don't go out in this world trying to be nice to every single person without limits. They might interpret it wrongly, and you can't be blamed because as always, you were only being nice.
Pathetic. A very flawed system, I must say. How can it be otherwise? You can see for yourself how many lonely hearts are around you, wandering the world like lost souls on purgatory punishment. It would be easier if everyone know what is what and never be mistaken again.
I hope these souls know and remember that finding love or whatever is not your sole purpose in this life. After love, what then? If love is the only purpose, then those who have found true love should die right away because the objective of their living have been fulfilled. What use are you to the world now when you already served your purpose? But we don't see people dying after they have found true love. So love cannot be the main aim in this life. An accessory item, maybe, but not the main.
Furthermore, it wouldn't be fair to those who don't have anyone. If love is the sole purpose, because they don't have anyone then they have clearly failed to fulfil their obligation. I don't want these people to die, but if they are not of much use, why deplete this world of its resources? Chances should be given to people who have the potential to find someone. This process is a perfectly normal phenomena, "survival of the fittest". But as we don't see people dying everyday for failing to find love, clearly love is not the sole purpose.
It is hard to get away from the idealized stereotype life path that has been deeply etched into our minds but sometimes I suspect that people have forgotten the true reason for us being sent here. Excuse the shallow depth of my knowledge but isn't the term khalifah means that we are leaders and have to be always responsible for something? Khalifah does not suggest singularity at all. For me it indicates a team, a group moving together under the command of the leader. But now, every goal, every dream has been thoroughly individualized that we dissociate ourselves from the masses. Recognize these mottoes? "Fulfill your dreams" "All that matters is you" "You can do it".  We don't identify ourselves to be part of something bigger anymore. None of these have evil connotations but everyday, all the time it is just the mantra "me, myself and I".
Sure, I am guilty for this too, and I still am. But don't you feel unsatisfied? We have to go try and seek a bigger playing field, to take our minds away from just thinking about ourselves and what is ours only.
It is true that you have to build yourself first and then only can you afford to think about others. But I think there is a distinction between building yourself for self-satisfaction and building yourself but keeping an eye on a bigger picture all the while. Niat is the key. This is certainly not easy, but I hope we all try to break free from the chronic diseases of apathy and narcissism.
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Hmm..I wonder how we got from Korean drama to this :p

Kau ada dengar pasal cinta?

Hei, kau ada dengar pasal cinta?
Semua orang tanya,
"Mana cinta?"
"Cinta tu apa?"
"Betul ke cinta tu buta/palsu/sementara/telah ditentukan?"
Sebenarnya,
Cinta malas nak jawab,
Sebab selama ini dia ada dengan semua orang,
Semua orang buat tak peduli,
Semua orang buat-buat tak nampak.
Dia pun malas la.
Sebab selama ini,
Kalau seseorang bersama cinta,
Mesti dia mahu cinta yang lain dari apa yang ada dengannya.
Jadi,
Cinta pun buat keputusan:
"Lepas ni, aku nak senyap-senyap je.
Kalau dia perasan aku ada, baguslah.
Tapi kalau dia masih buat-buat tak nampak, aku akan diam je."
Begitulah.
Tunggulah sampai mati pun, aku rasa, cinta tak akan kata apa-apa.
Lebih baik kau sendiri yang pergi kat cinta, tanya dia apa hal.
Tu pun,
kalau cinta nak cakap dengan kau la.
nur_aqli 

Hari ni takde apa nak buat. Jadi aku merepek kat blog. Maaf ok.

Pride will burn in the Godgame

All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Hi.
What a lame way to start after being away for so long, right?
But that is all I got for now.
Actually I've been avoiding the internet all this time, largely because I want to rest my head for a while. My mind is like a stuck highway where all the traffic lights are broken. Ideas, people and thoughts keep honking away trying to get through. But all are jumbled up with no clear direction.
I've just finished reading The Magus by John Fowles. It's a long book and for me, the book is strange. The book is like a maze and people who like to over analyze things would get lost in it.
The main character, Nicholas Urfe is a regular guy with issues. He was put to a myriad of out-of-this-world situations and the way he reacted to each and every one of them are decidedly "normal". I felt pity for the guy, he reminded me so much the limitations of being human. He is like a puppet played by a Master Conjurer, who laughed all the way while pulling his strings. Anywhere he turned he was deceived and seduced into a flimsy illusion that all weaved together to ultimately form a string around his neck to take his life.
Who wouldn't be angry at people who suddenly decide to use you in his experiment of psychological games without your consent? Conchis the magus evidently didn't care at all about the ethical considerations of his work. All was done mechanically, scientifically, without any regard of respect toward the humanness of Urfe.
As I said, I pity him.
But as I go along the book, I realized that truth is not fixed and the reality we know today may not be as real as you think. the events I've gone through lately also serve to reinforce this notion.
Truth is like a rare 600 carat diamond cut to perfection. The make of the ultimate diamond depends on its proportion that in turn determines its brilliance (amount of light reflected back to your eye), fire (the flashes of color due to prismatic separation into the colors of the rainbow) and scintillation (sparkling movement of light as you move the diamond). Due to all of this properties, a person holding the diamond in a particular way will perceive the diamond according to the amount of light reflected on it. So the diamond shine that arrest your eyes won't be the same as the brilliance that shone in mine because of our different positions. But there is no denying that it is the same stone, the same truth but viewed in a different light. So how can you say that what you behold is more beautiful than mine, more truer? There is no way.
This is the reason I feel no regret. As I replayed the events in my head, I am certain that what I did was in truth. But the degree of rejection to my truth is so immense that I begin to suspect that they too perceive what they did was in truth. So who is to blame? No one. The desire to be right, to hold the upper moral ground sometimes have no meaning. In the end, no one knows the answer. In the end, everyone just wants to get away. My friend say that I just should suck it in and go face the shooting squad...again. I told her that if they were using real bullets, she's telling me to essentially go kill myself. She said that it is okay, because they are just using water guns.
Water guns or not, I have enough of their tired games. I feel like Urfe. The difference is that I have two Conchis, not just one pulling the strings. They have no right to go testing me, experimenting on me as if I am a mere rat. The main argument for them is that it is not worth holding on. The sacrifice of pride mean nothing because they are always like that. I disagree with that argument because so what if they've always been like that? What they're doing is wrong and always being that way is not a valid excuse. All this while there have been no real opposition, so they are forever enveloped in their fantasy that what they see and do is the only truth. Well, I've had enough. I've just stopped caring.
Who would've thought that these last days of me leaving would be the hardest of them all?
If you were with me that day when I was beaten down to the ground, I suspect that you'd bear no sympathy for me. Because I have no power of persuasion and I have not an ounce of strength left to uphold my dignity in the eyes of my judges. Furthermore, I was alone. But still I was condemned as proud, and it amazed me to realize how good my acting was.
The cheap shot I took bothered me, that I resorted to saying such childish things. However, above all else I seek your understanding of my situation. I was ambushed and I retaliated like a snake cornered. But in these later days after the fight, I realized that I did not regret anything. I am hardened by the things they hurl at me. Doesn't matter. I take solace in the thought that God will prevail. Our brands of truth can't be trusted, so I'll leave it at that. Let it be buried under the rubble of time.

Every one, I welcome you to the Godgame. Enjoy.

*info on diamonds from http://www.diamondhelpers.com
**more on the magus here http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/31/specials/fowles-magus1.html

I never expect to be in love

If I have all the tears that are shed on Broadway by guys in love, I will have enough salt water to start an opposition ocean to the Atlantic and Pacific, with enough left over to run the Great Salt Lake out of business. But I wish to say I never shed any of these tears personally, because I am never in love, and furthermore, barring a bad break, I never expect to be in love, for the way I look at it love is strictly the old phedinkus, and I tell the little guy as much.
~Damon Runyon in Tobias the Terrible

In another life, all of this won't happen

Telling the truth to people who misunderstand you is generally promoting a falsehood, isn't it?
~Anthony Hope 

I sent the letter explaining all but the moon and the stars. I am testing the old adage of "the truth will set you free". Maybe I'll publish the finding later on, surely countless people wants to know whether or not truth is profitable. Nowadays it seems falsehood and misconceptions, because they are cheaper, are selling like hot cakes.

I don't know what is the consequence for this particular action of mine: what I know is I'm tired to be seen as the black sheep all the time and I needed to get it out of my chest. If they still misunderstand me, then I don't know what to do anymore. I'll just stop trying I guess. So at least I don't make it worse. I don't keep promoting falsehood and draining my strength to wait for their comprehension. They are playing mindgames that are beyond my ability and patience to understand.
Maybe sending it would seem like a very bad idea in the morning light. But it is all done now. Nothing to take back. So all that I can do is what I've always done: redah ajelah.

C'mon join us!

Salam, I just want to make you aware of an international islamic conference that would be held 24-25th Dec at Putrajaya. There'll be both international and local speakers and many more events such as bazaar, marriage corner, kids zone etc. So it'll be an event for the whole family. I have tickets and you can purchase from me. Tickets: rm100 for adults and rm50 for kids. The prices go up after 1st dec: rm150 for adults and rm75 for kids, so contact me now! :) If you have any questions, I'll be more than happy to help. In case you want more info, here's the website
See you guys there!
My email: lisarosalina at gmail dot com

My story in Selangor Times! :)

Alhamdulillah, my short story was published in Selangor Times! Check it out here.

So what do you think?
I am embarrassed when I read it, I don't think it is good at all. And the newspaper got the spelling of my name wrong. But still I can't stop smiling! Haha, it is my first attempt, it has been months since I sent it and I thought the editors already rejected it. Because this is my first time, I didn't know how the process goes. I thought i"ll send in a draft and the editor will comment and I'll do changes. But all that didn't happen at all. Just out of the blue an email was sent to me saying that my story was published and asking for my particulars for payment. How cool is that? I even got payment for my first story!
Haha, I'm at the clouds now, enjoying the taste of sweet success :)

The end of the beginning of the end

Just now my brother whispered, "Kak Lisa, buat kerjalah"
Alahai...
What can I say? I've already set the place up: a big bottle of water by my side in case I get thirsty, 3 thick volumes of the examiners' copy of my thesis, a headphone to block all distractions and even mini packs of MAS airline salted peanuts my Mom brought from her trip back from Penang. So there is really nothing barring me from finishing the minor corrections of the thesis. Just this last sprint and then I am truly free. After submitting the final version, I'd get a letter from Senate that I would use for my job application in Cyberjaya.
So why, instead of diligently going at it, I'm telling all this to you?
I have a pretty good idea why.
Kata Master Procrastinator..inilah jadinya.
I'm dreading Monday. The 1 week holidays I asked from PZ is too short. Tak sempat bernafas pun.
But Ayah is okay now. Mama is okay also. That is what matters now. Both are warriors. Both have accomplishments of epic proportions, forever smouldering our hearts with the unattainable level of love and affection. I wonder, after catching a glimpse of what they have, if ever I can have the same thing?
The date 9th November 2011 has become a hard memory: the support of peers but the rejection of superiors, and then going to the hospital only to know that tomorrow (10th Nov 2011), two battles will commence. One is for me, to fight for the right of the title PhD and another battle for Ayah, who had to undergo another operation because of the blasted cancer. Prior to this, Ayah tried holding on, he even wanted to wait until my sister finished her SPM before going to the hospital. Day by day it was evident that the bleeding was too much. Ayah was almost white due to loss of blood, but he kept on saying he is fine. Mama finally was able to coax him to go to the hospital after promising that it would only be for a blood transfusion. However, it turns out that even how much we want something, sometimes it just doesn't happen. Once Mama and Ayah got to the hospital (for a routine checkup only, Ayah won't go for anything else), Ayah was immediately put in he Emergency room. The doctor said that if we were to wait any longer, Ayah would go into ICU and face a high risk of a heart arrest.
...It wasn't easy putting on a brave front when in reality you don't know where to rest your hopes. During the goodbyes, I was defeated and had let a tear to be shed. Strength turned out to not be one of my virtues. I was angry at myself then, it was as if my heart did not listen to my head that reasoned that tears would only bog everybody down. But strength was a virtue for Ayah and Mama. Mama said that it was just something I have to go through, it is a test. That I have to be strong to face anything that comes to me. Ayah was adamant that I focus on the viva and not worry about him, and that he will be fine. I could see that they are both sad and worried about everything: about me, about the operation. But being sad and worried is detrimental to our circumstances so the right thing to do is keep your head up and march on with all your might. Whatever will be, will be.
Before leaving, the family surprised me with a beautiful Good Luck card that Lili had brought. It is a tradition for our family to give cards prior to any big exams but I totally forgot. It was filled with many encouraging words, a source of strength when there is none. Then the journey back home was the longest and the most empty. Everything that happened was a blur: all I know was that I have to go through the viva no matter what and then rush immediately to be with Ayah, Mama and the rest of the family. I have to win, even if the odds are incredibly against me.At home my sisters helped me with the preparations for the big day tomorrow. Alia helped to iron my clothes, Nim helped to get the house in order while Azrai had to stay at the hospital with Ayah and Mama. Me, I stayed up to make last minute changes and to go through the presentation and notes that were my arsenal for the viva.
The next day, I woke up and got ready. Then I woke everyone else because Nim had to go to school and Alia had to go to the hospital. I arrived at Shah Alam at 8.15am and took my breakfast of capati and a mug of hot tea (my Mom made me promise, in truth if given a choice I wouldn't have eaten anything). At 8.50am I am already at IPSis, readying for the viva at 9.30am. It was actually held at a little after 10.00am because the Chairperson for the session was late (got lost or stuck in traffic, I am unsure).
The presentation itself went well but I was visibly shaky at first that I had to steady my heart before I spoke haltingly. After a time it got better, even though the panels did not wait until I'm finished before bombarding me with questions. The questions came non-stop and I was even asked to sit after a time because they had so many things to test me (yes, one of the examiners said he was going to test me with technical questions and to ensure that I really wrote the thesis). In the end I thought that I handled the questions and comments well, alhamdulillah. Then after the shooting session, I was asked to wait outside. Then after some time Dr Kala invited me in. I went in and stared blankly to the panels, with zero expectations in my mind. I was really just taking this viva thing a moment at a time because I was unsure where it would take me. The Chairperson then proceeded to say, "Firstly, congratulations for your success in obtaining this doctorate...blablabla..."
Actually I did not catch anything she said beyond "Congratulations" because I was so relieved. It was like holding your breath for the longest time, when suddenly you can breathe again all you feel is the air rushing in. All I can think of was Alhamdulillah! I was elated and did not know what to do next. Dr Kala must've seen my shock because when I went to her and asked, "Is that all?" She said, "Yes, that is all. You did well. Come, let me hug you". And she hugged me! Haha, how awkward was that? But at that time I didn't care. All those people in the room helped me to get the PhD and I am greatly thankful. I even served the panels and my supervisor tea and kuih as a tiny token of appreciation.
After that I was busy going here and there to settle the viva thing with IPSis. I got a 2: meaning that I only had to do minor corrections. When I called Mama and told her the news, she was beyond happy. She also said thank you, which I thought was odd because it was me that should have said thank you. Then I remembered that Ayah wanted to see me get the PhD before anything happens to him. I also thought I heard her crying because I too was silently crying tears of joy and relief. Not so long later, Mama called to tell that Ayah was already out of the operation theatre and was resting in the ward. So both of us were the victor in each of our battles!
In the end, when our destinies are left to Him then all turned out okay. It has always been like that: my nights are indeed darkest before dawn. When the light shone through, it was brilliant and unpredictable.
Cantik kan perancangan Tuhan? ;)

Ph.inisheD.

So many things to say but like a powerful surge of electricity, it results in a black out.
But, after all the impossibilities:

I did it!

Syukur Alhamdulillah
I just want to extend my deepest appreciation to the major players in my life. All of whom had played a significant role in making this dream a reality. If anyone say that they did the doctorate on their own, please be careful of that person because there's a 50% chance that he/she is a liar and another 50% chance that he/she is a psychopath.
So here goes...
A big heartfelt Thank you to my Mama and Ayah. I know it would be impossible without you. Your love, your strength, your understanding is incredible. I am thankful to Allah because He gave me the chance to be your daughter. Thank you and love you! To my brother and sisters, my bro-in-law, my nephew: you're all amazing and I love you!
Thank you to the rest of my big family WCJ. Family is indeed the substitute for angels in this world. A special mention is for Cik Ngah and family for always welcoming me to their house, Aunty Ana and family for welcoming me also to their house and letting me to use their car to go to the hospital, Caly for patiently helping me during the stay : from transportation and also for knowing where is the best food in KB, Ayah Chik and Cik Bi for lending me their car and allowing me to stay at Rebana and last but not least, to Arwah Ayah Su and family for helping me to stay in Rebana and also welcoming me to their house.
Thank you for my wonderful friends and labmates for always being there and being the shoulders to cry on whenever the storm strikes (yeah, shoulders. There are many and you could pick any one. They're that wonderful). Thank you also for the good times and helpful discussions and insight. It means a lot to me.
Thank you to my supervisors; Prof Zaki and Dr Teh for their help, guidance and training that is different from any other. I wouldn't be a PhD holder without these people, that is certain. I respect you as my teacher and am forever indebted to both of you for what you have done during my studies. Thank you.
Of course, there are others. I am sorry if I left out mentioning your name but I am still thankful for what you did. In reality, each and everyone of you who has become a part of my life since Dec 2006 until now contributes to my success. Thank you, you, you and of course, you. ;)

*Maybe if the writing muse come visit me again, I'll tell you all about the PhD journey.

**the words on the mug: TRUST ME I'M A PhD: No, not that kind of doctor...I spent years toiling away in a windowless lab just to get those three letters after my name. PhD

Punished before the trial

"It's going to be on the 10th" 

the warden grinned while clanking his heavy baton on the bars.

Staring into space and ignoring the warden, she felt it doesn't make any difference when is the next trial.

Suddenly the events of yesterday replayed and she swears she could smell the split coffee when her lawyer threw the newspaper to the table.

"I won't go with you! You're on your own"

He said it with such cold hatred that she doubts that he will go back on his decision. So now she is left with just the other novice lawyer. She isn't convinced that he would do any good because all the previous trials was handled by the more seasoned lawyer, the one who left her.

Well, that surely would have to suffice.

She is unsure whether God would help out criminals, but this time she hopes He does.

Dark times

Out in the marsh reeds

A bird cries out in sorrow,

As though it had recalled

Something better forgotten.

~Ki No Tsurayuri (Xth century)

During this last leg of the race, I am left alone.

I am a rōnin during feudal times: a samurai who became masterless due to lost of favor.

Unending rain, but I am numbed. Nothing to do but drag my feet to move forward. 

My brain feels like its pricked with a thousand pins. 

According to the Code of the Samurai, I am supposed to commit hara-kiri upon the loss of my master. If not I will suffer great shame and be discriminated against by other samurai and the feudal lords.

The feudal lords are mistaken, I am sure. Other estranged warriors echoes my thoughts.
But the lords hold everything and I am left with nothing.

How far can a clear conscience get you? 

How long can you stand to fight?

Two weeks sounds like hell. After that is a dark uncertain abyss.

La haula quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

It lights up the whole sky

Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, "You owe me."

Look at what happens to a love like that,

It lights the whole sky.

~Hafez (A Persian poet)

Killing time

I was surfing mindlessly, looking at images at saharil.com.
Killing time, until I can gather strength to face reality again.
Thoughts that ran in my head during this time:
-Hey, I love clouds too. I used to take pictures of them with my phone. But my phone's gone now, I lost it after iftar with friends during the last Ramadhan. I wonder what would the people who found my lost phone would do with my pictures. I wish the SD card is destroyed by a passing car and the photos are lost forever. If I can't have it, it isn't fair for anyone else to have it.

-I think it'd be wonderful to be a hobo traveler. Basking in the world's beauty in my own sweet time. Go here and there without a care in the world.

-Then I thought about a post I did in my friendster blog (it's long gone now, thankfully I did manage to do a backup of my rantings.) This one was entitled "Kekosongan hakiki". I published it March 6, 2007. The puisi is from an article in a magazine. I couldn't remember who wrote those haunting words.

Pergilah perasaan,

Tinggalkan tubuhku kosong,

Bagai angkasa tiada berudara…

Kata- kata yang berkesan bagi seseorang yang mencari erti berperasaan. Bagi aku sendiri, memang selalu menginginkan keadaan tidak berperasaan. Tiada rasa cinta pada seseorang, tiada rasa suka pada seseorang, tiada rasa marah, tiada rasa kecewa. Tiada apa- apa. Kosong.

Ini mungkin tindakan refleks seseorang yang apabila berani berperasaan, akhirnya perasaan itu dipijak- pijak bagai tiada makna. Jadi apa gunanya? Lebih baik tidak berperasaan. Sesiapa yang cuba dekat, tidak akan berjaya melepasi dinding kukuh disekeliling dia yang tidak mahu berperasaan.

Keadaannya seperti orang yang berlindung dibelakang kubu. Sesiapa pun tidak akan berjaya mengapa- apakannya, tetapi akhirnya akan tewas juga kerana kehabisan bekalan. Dirinya menjadi seperti angkasa raya: luas, gelap, penuh dengan jasad mati. Tiada kehidupan kerana tiada udara. Kekosongan hakiki, sehingga nyawa sesiapa yang cuba hidup disitu akan dicabut untuk mengisi kekosongan ruang dan jasadnya dibiar terawang- awang tanpa arah yang menariknya. Tiadapun daya graviti untuk tentukan arahnya samada keatas, kebawah, kekiri, atau kekanan.

Kekosongan perasaan membawa kepada kehilangan erti kehidupan. Segala yang dilihat bagai wayang bisu yang tidak memberi makna. Kematian sebelum kehidupan. Diri terasa asing dari dunia dan seisinya.

Segalanya akan berakhir apabila diri mengerti yang kita diletakkan didunia bukan untuk berputus asa. Apabila berdoa dikurniakan kekuatan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya kelemahan untuk menjadikan kita kuat. Apabila berdoa untuk kebijaksanaan, maka akan diberikan oleh-Nya masalah- masalah untuk diselesaikan. Apabila berdoa untuk kebahagiaan, maka akan dikurniakan oleh-Nya kesedihan agar kita mengerti apa erti kebahagiaan. Jadi janganlah berputus asa terhadap rahmat Allah s.w.t. Ingat yang tiada siapa boleh bersalam dengan orang yang menggenggamkan tangannya. Tiada apa dalam alam ini yang tidak membawa erti dan sebab. Tiada siapa yang boleh hidup berseorangan, kita bukan diciptakan untuk itu.

Kepada sesiapa yang seperti aku, menginginkan keadaan kosong dalam diri: sudah lah

-Then I arrived at this post.

Haih..macam saje je kan.

Bilis vs paus

Rasanya aku kalau merajuk mesti retaliate dengan passive aggressive stance.
Aku jadi malas, jadi the Master Procrastinator.
Tapi sebab aku rasional, aku akan fikir tentang kesannya: semua ni akan berbalik pada aku juga.
It is me who will pay the price.
Macam buat salah, kalau tak tau hukum kita tak berdosa kan? Tapi aku tau. Jadi, pemberontakan merugikan ini lebih  menusuk. Aku rebellious yang bukan naif, I know full well what this would cost me.
Tapi bosan betul dengan keadaan sekarang.
Dinamik situasi aku sekarang memang penuh dengan emosi negatif.
Pastu jadi stress sebab semua yang aku lakukan adalah merugikan diri sendiri. Orang tu tak rugi apa pun.
Padahal dia salah. Patut dia pun rasa kesan kesalahan itu kan? Tapi tak.
Ikan bilis je rasa. Ikan paus apa kisah.
Ikan bilis mencuba macam nak mati, ikan paus hancurkan dalam sesaat.
Tiada maknanya usaha si bilis.
Ni lah rasanya bila ikan bilis tak puas hati dengan ikan paus.
Kan best kalau evolution berjalan dengan cepat sedikit?
Dah taknak jadi ikan bilis.
Boring betul.

Ti the Brave Tortoise

Yesterday my friend found her missing tortoise.

It was lost since two weeks ago and yesterday it was found tired and hungry under the dining table.

The plight of the tortoise is so pathetic that I laughed so hard until there's tears in my eyes. It's like Ti, the Maha Pathetic Tortoise.

Imagine the escape plan of Ti while it discusses it with its friend Ki in the same aquarium one dark night:

"Ki, I've had it with this place. It isn't like home at all. All we get is water spinach, water spinach, water spinach."

"But, Ti. I kinda like water spinach. Better than the pellet they use to give us in the pet shop."

"Oh? Then how about this minuscule aquarium? I can't go two steps without bumping in to you."

Ki didn't say anything. Quietly like a tortoise, he inched away toward the plastic coconut tree as an effort to block out the complaints that is getting on his nerves.

Unsatisfied, Ti lashed out, "And this fake coconut tree. Are they trying to undermine our intelligence trying to make us believe that we're in Hawaii or something? At least in Hawaii they have pineapples!"

Ki just turned around without even trying to hide his boredom of this stale conversation.

"You have been complaining since the day we got here. So you don't like it here. What are you going to do? It's not like we have a choice. Just ride with it lah." 

Ti couldn't believe his camouflaged ears.

"Ki, you don't understand. I can't live like this, I am meant for better things. Since the day I broke out of the egg, I know I'm destined for great things."

Silence. 

So she continued.

"I'm breaking free tonight. I've thought about it, a lot. I have all of it planned out. You can either be in with me or you can just stay here like a stupid tortoise"

"I'm staying here and I think you should too. It's too dangerous out there. I'll be your friend, you don't have to be so lonely"

"I told you. I can't. So goodbye. If tomorrow you see I'm not here, just pray for me"

So that night as the lights are shut, Ti embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. To break free from oppression, to be free from situations that limit possibility. Out there, everything can come true.

Actually Ki didn't want to help Ti as a punishment for leaving him high and dry like that. But finally he relented. Climbing on Ki's back, Ti jumped out. Ti couldn't believe it. She figured that the surprising agility probably came from the rush of adrenaline of breaking free. 

Ha ha! Finally, the world would know the Great Ti!

To cut a long exciting story short, Ti was found under the dining table two weeks later. Probably in Ti's eyes, the vast living room with its dry carpet is like a big desert. Constantly on the move, dodging the eye of dinosaur-sized humans to not get caught. Days turned into nights. Everything reeks of danger. The outside world is nowhere in sight. Where is the lake? Where are the lush green trees? Apparition of food and water haunted Ti who persevered to reach the oasis. But the illusion always gave way to barrenness of the hostile environment.

It seems to me its a pity that she's born a tortoise. Born with an ambition that is larger than her reality. If she was born a cat or a rabbit, the two weeks period would have given it ample time to escape. As a tortoise, after two weeks she didn't even get past the dining room.

It's a shame to have all this determination to succeed, and she had even set the wheels turning only to be bogged down by the limited capacity of self.

The burning question: is it a curse to be born a tortoise but with a heart of a dragon?

The contrast is so stark, their destinies unalterable.

It may be better for the soul to not have these dangerous desires to break free from the norm. 

Who can challenge the Grand Design anyway?

Better to just be automatons, just do whatever is expected of you, with an empty shell for a mind.

Yes, may be that is best...

...If you're a tortoise named Ki.

So if you are human but want to settle for a destiny of a tortoise, that is your choice. 

That is after all, the easier route to take.

Blame all on circumstances, blame all on the Grand Design. You alone is blameless.

For me I envy Ti, at least she made a move to escape.

God have said that all people are equal. What differentiates them is their faith.

So you got to do something different! 

Einstein says that one of the hallmarks of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. If you're static in the mind, static in motion: there is no chance of ever getting anything different from the things you've had before.

So yes, although Ti is so glaringly pathetic at least she had some qualities to be admired.

When Ti was put back into the aquarium, I could imagine the scene:

"Hey Adventurous Ti, never thought I'd see you here. How was it?" smirked Ki.

*punch in the face*

Haha! Girl power rocks!

Dreams even when we're awake

Is it possible to miss someone you never met?
I don't know about you, but I certainly can.
I can picture a thousand scenes,
but all would somehow take me back to the memory of someone I don't even know.
All I have is a name and still images.
It's like all roads lead to Rome: all thoughts lead me to you.

Is it possible to miss going to a place you've never been to?
Again, this I can certainly do.
I can smell the warmth of the soft breeze caressing the side of my face.
I can picture how the light of the sun would blaze into my eyes as I squint toward the clear cloudless sky.
I can almost swear to you that I hear the rustle of the sand dunes,
 forever moving the grains that never stand still.
There would be thousands of people, all dressed in white and engrossed with their issues with the Almighty. But all I can see is me and my parents, hoping every second is lengthened to a life time,
just so that the overwhelming appreciation and humbleness would never leave our hearts.
I have never been there, but I miss it so.

Maybe, memories don't need to be based on tangible things.
Maybe, those images can't be qualified as memories.
Maybe these are just dreams to lull me to sleep.
But how can dreams persist even when I am awake?
So now, I am willing it with all my heart to be a reality.
Like a little girl who wants to play outside, praying on her knees for the rain to stop.
Raising her little stubby hands in prayer,
oblivious to the sneering adults that say, "Don't be foolish, just stay inside."
But she doesn't care, the important thing is that she has faith that is unwavering in the face of hopelessness.
Whatever it is, I am hoping it's a snapshot of my future. Every hope is a prayer and I hope that both get answered.
InsyaAllah

A flicker of sunshine even when it rains

ROSALYNN
She'd smile,
and birds would feel that they no longer had to sing,
or it may be I failed to hear their song.
Within a crowd, I'd hope her glance might be for me,
but knew she was shy, and wished to be alone.
I'd pay to sit behind her, blind to what was on the screen,
and watch the image flicker upon her hair.
I'd glow when her diminished voice would clear my muddled thoughts,
like lighting flashing in a gloomy sky.
The nothing in my soul with her aloof
was changed to foolish fullness when she came to be with me.
With shyness gone and hair caressed with gray
her smile still makes the birds forget to sing
and me to hear their song.
~Jimmy Carter

I found this in a Reader's Digest article on the American President when I was young. It must have been at least 12 years back. I think he wrote it for his wife. Because the title so closely resemble my name, I've always kept this poem in my heart, replaying bits of it that I remember in my head. Now with the power invested in me by Google, I found it again!
I don't know how to judge this literary piece with all it's technicalities, whether this poem is good or not. All I know is that it speaks to me, like whispers to the soul.
This reason alone renders everything else irrelevant, right?

A probable miracle

These are the last days of Syawal for this year.
During these last days, invitation to open houses are pouring in. I wasn't able to do the 6-day fast in Syawal during the early days so I started yesterday. Today is my 2nd day. So to ensure that I complete all 6 days I have to fast everyday until Tuesday and have my 2nd raya on Wednesday.
So how about all the invitations? I did not want to be known as an antisocial, not fulfilling the invitations on purpose. So just now I just attended an open house event while fasting.
Haha. Yes, I did something weird and I nearly opted out of it but I really want to show that I wanted to come. It may be weird but if I were the hostess, I would prefer my guests to come to the event even if they are fasting. The important thing is to gather and socialize: the food is the glue that holds them together. So to hell with conventions, if I feel good then it couldn't really be that wrong ;)
But that didn't lessen the feeling of awkwardness. He-heh (nervous laugh).
The food smelled delicious and the color of each dish was somehow enhanced that I wondered whether I was stuck in a tv's Food Network in full HD. There were fragrant plates of nasi berlauk, succulent chicken sate, steaming mee sup daging, sweet bubur kacang and even white sandwiches that were all specially home-made.
Ahh.
I went there with a group of my friends and so naturally after taking food we all sat in a circle, talking and laughing all the way. It was quite a challenge, the food was so mouth watering and tempting! However, I held out, ignoring the consistent pleas of whispering gluttony devils.
Then when all of it was over I can almost hear the drumming music my tummy makes. Salam with everybody and quite glad to finally able to head home. But then the wonderful hostess surprised me with a plastic bag full of packed food! Haha! (actually it was not so surprising because she said before that she'll pack me some food but I kept my expectations low because she was so busy with all the other guests. So it was easy to forget about me and I didn't want to remind her: macam ape je kan. So I regard as a blessing that she remembered lil ol' me :) haih..me and my hopes :p ).
This whole situation takes me to a thought that I've been playing in my head for a while now. It's the concept of rizq that is not only governed by what do we get but also by when we get them.
Consider the situation I went through: I went to an event where everyone is expected to eat but I couldn't. Then I was surrounded by those who are eating and I had to be patient with what I was doing to accomplish what I want. However, when I thought that the rizq was certainly lost from me, that there was no way I would get some and that I should just forget the whole thing and be content with what I settled with, suddenly I got what I everybody had before.
See?
It is already written before what would be ours (in this case: a packaged nasi berlauk). Even when other people had theirs and I didn't (the people that ate during the event and I fasted), in the end I had the opportunity to taste what was restricted to me before (the packaged food).
Yes, you can counter that this is not absolute: who can say that I would actually eat the nasi and that it won't just be another one's rizq? for example maybe I will forget about the nasi that I had stored in the fridge when I go back today or that I would remember to bring it back but I had to share with others or that it would simply go bad and had to be thrown away. Yes, who can say? But to think about all those is irrelevant to me because now, at least I have the possibility of it being mine. Amazingly, I am already happy and content. If it isn't, an important thing to remember is that I won't be left to die of hunger anyway: I would just break my fast with what is really meant to be my rizq. Another possibility is that it was never meant to be mine but maybe I would just be the messenger to bring that piece of rizq to another, who is the true recipient of it.
It's a beautiful system, true to the concept of adil. All things should be given/put to/at its rightful owner/place.
Ok, let's stretch this idea to the question of life's opportunities or soulmates.
[Just substitute the nasi berlauk for the aforesaid things - I think I would be repeating myself if I explain it here hehe].
This concept somehow makes patience easier to accept and do, for me anyway. And analogies that use food is nice and fitting for fasting people like me haha. Oh, and another thing. What is patience without effort? Don't put destiny to task when it's you that distort the meaning of patience and taqwa. So this does not in any way mean that all you have to do is wait around waiting for the moon to suddenly turn into gold and descend on you. That is just silly and those things only happen in imaginary tales. You have to at least increase the probability of things to happen to you. Then it probably will, insyaAllah :)

Runaway

I wonder, What can I hope for?

What if what I want is something that cannot be attained but something that can only be given?

Since young, we have all learned that things would happen if you strive for it. 

But what if there is no more room for trying?

Finally I arrived. After that arduous journey, I made it!
But the relief that washed over just moments before evaporated with the realization that the path is limited by a barbed fence, the future I hope for is at the other side.
The fence looked menacing.
The weather darkens but occasionally the icy glint of the wires shone by the lightning. It's going to rain soon.
To go back is something I dread. I would trade my life just so I don't have to go back. With a heavy breath I looked up slowly to the fence.

How high is it? 

Where would my dreams go if I am unable to go chasing after it? 

It is cruel for fate to flirt with our expectations and hope. The promise was that once I get there, then this curse would be lifted. I consorted with this illusion because no one bothered to tell me about the fence. I took a step nearer. Holding on to the fence, careful not to touch the thorn-like barbs. Shaking it, hoping it would budge. Screaming into the silence, hoping that someone would come.
No one did.
I closed my eyes. It was as though a dark cold cloud descended on me and enveloped me in distress. I hugged myself tighter, trying to offer solitary comfort. It was more like a useless coaxing to feel better but this feels like a dead end.

I tried so hard. 

I couldn't believe that it has all come down to nothing. I really don't know how to try anymore. I don't dare to dream anymore because they keep turning into nightmares. I stopped hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm hoping that the tunnel would just end.

The cold is biting to my bones. Looking at my hands in the moonlight makes me wonder if I have any warmth in my blood. They look deathly white. I snuggled in my jacket at the bottom of the fence. The tiredness began to steal my consciousness. I rested my head down, slowly I closed my eyes. I stopped worrying about the future, all I want now is just to not remember.
**********

"Hoi, get up"
I felt a sudden pain in my stomach where he kicked me. His words awoke me rudely from my cold slumber. Eyes fluttering trying to focus, I squinted to where two faint lights are shining. I realized they were headlights of a truck, so I know they've found me.
Glancing through the fence, I could almost see an apparition waving at me. The dream still stands there, waiting for me to go make it a reality.
"I'll come back again," I whispered under my breath. Impatient, he came to grab me.
I pushed his hands away, a little harsher than I intended. Then I boarded the truck. In the winds that blow, I stared at the fence until it fades from my sight. The truck continued on, taking me to the things I wanted to get away from.

I'm back!

The trip was awesome. I guess I did something right in my life to be granted an opportunity to experience something like that. Alhamdulillah. I've posted some pictures of the trip on FB but not many because the batteries of the camera keeps dying on me. But my friends have loads of pics, so maybe I'll get the pictures from them later.

But now I'm in post-holiday mode which is a good thing. It's like my steps are getting lighter, and I keep having urges to run for no apparent reason. I feel...active. I highly recommend a holiday getaway for anyone as an effective antidote for a heavy heart. It'd do you good.

p/s: now I got to focus on the viva..then viva la vida! InsyaAllah :)

Let's go!

Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

~J.R.R. Tolkien

Tomorrow insyaAllah me and a couple of my friends would be going to Krabi, Thailand.
I really hope everything goes well, I hope we will all be happy.
Leave all the problems here for a while but take with us the memories of loved ones.
This trip for me is not only a holiday, but more like a test. Can I take care of myself as I like to think I can?
I don't want to be fooled by the illusion of overconfidence. A measure of fear would keep me on my toes, but won't paralyze me. This is something I've been waiting for so long, it's like breaking free of the things that mess up my heart.
This is not a guided tour, we're basically our own navigators. Fixed plans were kept on a minimum, it's all about flexibility. The only fixed plan so far is that we will make riding an elephant a must. That's about it. Sometimes I think we're crazy, because all of us come from a scientific background: used to the things that are structured and can be figured out easily. But the way we're planning this (or not planning?) it's so different and it's exhilarating!
It reminds me of the journey of Frodo and Sam in that epic tale. Both discovered parts of themselves that they never knew existed. Maybe we're all capable of everything, but at different levels and on different times. To really know the person you see in the mirror everyday, you have to make available the opportunities that would make them shine.
Ok, now suddenly this reminds me of Hulk. You know that Hulk only comes out when there is a need, a provocation that set off the transformation to Hulk. Mind you, I am not suggesting that you go become a monster when someone makes you angry. What I mean is that sometimes things happen that would make you become something you never knew you could. It doesn't have to be negative provocation, hopefully a positive simulation would cause the transformation into a better person. So when you travel, you never can know where you'll end up, what are the things that have to be dealt with and who knows who would you become? (Not Hulk I hope).
So let's go! The world is too big to be stuck at one place anyway ;)

Slayed by time

I just got the tentative date for my viva.

It's 10th October 2011, insyaAllah.

I'm surprised because each time I tell this to people, they clap their hands, put a big smile on their faces and say heartily, "Congratulations!"

Why?

I am not particularly happy. I'm just 20% relieved that I'm finally on the road to end this journey and 80% terrified that I would mess up.

I hope, pray, beg that all would turn out alright.

So to make myself more terrified, let's do a bit of mathematics.

24 hours per day that consist of:

5 hours: sleep (why is sleep the first thing? this is surely not a good sign :p)

3 hours: eating and other essential daily activities (like praying, bathing)

3 hours: other nonessential daily activities (like driving, washing the dishes)

3 hours for PROMISE. The supervisors forbid us from doing any more thesis-related work during office hours so they're piling center-related work on us now.

~ I can't think of anything else right now but it is safe to say that there is approximately 10 effective working hours that have to be used to the maximum (hope, pray, beg).

10th Oct 2011 is 32 days away.

4 days I'm going to Krabi for a holiday getaway (I brought the tickets in February and so I had no idea this would happen)

That leaves 28 days.

Let's allocate 4 days for maintenance of sanity (believe me this is essential). My supervisor likes to say that PhD really means "Permanent head Damage." So maybe we'll find out after 10th Oct won't we?

24 days remain.

That is 24 days x 10 hours = 240 hours = 10 days

Just over a week!

*faint* 

Sound like a sound idea?

It's raya everyone!

But I am here in front of this computer because I'm trying to complete an assignment from my supervisor. It's the paper that I've told you before. I did manage to complete it before raya leave on Friday (yeay! *pat self on the back*). But I should have known that my super-efficient supervisor would finish it by Sunday and message me to tell that she had mailed the correction and I should do it ASAP (she even include a friendly reminder that I should not just eat during raya coz then I'll get fat (fatter than I already am?) and that I should dedicate those precious hours to work instead. I responded that I'll keep that advice in mind while eating at the raya open house buffet :p)

So I am here now. For two hours already, but only managed minor corrections. Where's my scientific muse? I suspect that even muses have to go holiday sometimes. My mind feels like it's on some kind of controlled substance because I feel like my head is softly lolling on waves. I suspect that it's because of the lack of sleep plus the natural excitement of preparing for raya. Yesterday the whole family spring cleaned the house until 3.00 a.m. Then we woke at 4.30 a.m for the last Ramadhan sahur for this year. Then after subuh prayers I took a moment to get a little shut-eye but it was interrupted in half hour intervals because I asked mom and dad to wake me up before 7.30 am. I had an appointment to help a friend to drive her to the bus station that morning. I didn't want to be the reason she did not get on that bus toward her family for Raya, I could be hated for that. If ever I was late then I suspect that no amount of cheery Raya greetings and request for forgiveness would be entertained.

Then after I got back from the bus station I decided against sleeping to just try finish a bit of the journal because when will there be a other time? Now's perfect because today supposed to be our cooking day but it'd start late because of the overtime yesterday and continue until the wee hours of the morning so that we're all sporting panda eyes during Eid. My mom went out with my brother to settle some errands and my sisters are all still sleeping (cis, sedap tido) so this leaves me alone to do the right thing: working on that paper and not updating my blog with pointless babbles.

Tapi, ya Allah, mengantuknya!

...

Self-imposed deadline: Friday.

I promise to do it on the 3rd raya.

...Or maybe its better I look at the journal after 2nd raya?

Ok, maybe I'll try to fit it in on 1st raya.

Hmm..how about after cooking rendang, sate, ketupat, kuah kacang, nasi impit, sambal udang, serunding ikan bilis, carrot cake, pavlova and choc chip cookies?

Maybe the best option for me now is just to sleep and then try do it today.

Or a little bit everyday until it's finished?

Sounds like a sound idea.

Let us just see what happens by Friday, ok? ;)

A compendium of Babbles

Let's just talk. Let's see where this takes us.

So this week I've been busy, going for iftar gatherings with friends 3 nights in a row, all with different people. Even though I enjoyed myself immensely, I still caught myself wishing I can be with the family at the same time. But we can only be at one place at a time. Maybe, that is just as well because it's greedy to want to have everything all at the same time.

***

In one of the iftar outings, I accidentally revealed the mystery person in my mind. I never meant for anyone to know. Oh well. But, in a way, it's a relief having someone know. Even though it may be a hopeless prayer (notice how I am still hoping? silly me).

***

I have more time now at the lab. It feels like I've been laid off, systematically erased from the system because I opted not to join the show for next season. I still have some work to do but because all of it involves paper work and reading journals, I am still unable to switch modes from post-thesis mode to productivity mode. Guess I gotta get myself straighten up and get it done before Raya leave. Kan bagus kalau aku ni seorang yang sangat berdisiplin dalam bekerja? Then maybe I would've filled the 100 empty pockets of time I created in my days with beneficial things. This lag-phase has went on too long, need to re-focus!

***

Travel has been constantly in my mind. Me and my friends were supposed to go to Krabi after raya. It was a spontaneous decision and all of us were excited by it. But we just found out that it was going to be the rainy season. I think it's funny that we would be going to the beach while its raining, but sometimes I don't particularly care. It even rains in paradise. The important thing is the company and the experience afforded by the trip. And who knows, maybe it'd be a blessing in disguise. I can't wait to go! I've grown tired of being jealous of all the places all other people have been. I want to go too, why can't I go? So I'm hoping that this would be the first of many travels to come :)

***

I think I ought to save up for a camera.

***

The other day I went through my posts. I noticed that I've been having love issues since forever. I'm hoping this dry spell to be over but I do know that I'll prepare myself just in case another sandstorm decide to come instead the blessed fall of rain.

***

Just a thought, but I think that people who don't bother shouldn't be made to involve in anything, in everything. Especially love. Your apathy disgusts me.

***

And I wonder, can addiction be self-treated? Self-healed. It is after all, a disease of the mind.

***

Ok, going back to the iftar again. During the iftar today, surrounded by all the loving couples with their cute babies in their arms, one of the single guys remarked (almost to himself), "eh, macam best je". Then I asked him, "apa yang best?" He answered, "semua ni la, macam best aje" while gesturing to the scene of young mommies holding their babies while discussing baby-related escapades and the young daddies all sitting around looking all fatherly. I think it's hilarious that he just realized how much that the singles are missing (me included). He didn't know?

I've known it for the longest time.

***

Whatever it is, I just got to say this: To my sis and paliy, and to my friends: thank you for sharing your little bundle of joy and shining a little sunlight in our hearts! :)

The End.

Light upon light

"I am constantly being asked what this or that means in my films. It’s unbearable! An artist does not have to be accountable for his intentions. I did not do any deep thinking about my work. I don’t know what my symbols mean. I only desire to induce feelings, any feelings, in viewers. People always try to find “hidden” meanings in my films. But wouldn’t it be strange to make a film while striving to hide one’s thoughts? My images do not signify anything beyond what they are… We do not know ourselves that well: sometimes we express forces which cannot be grasped by any ordinary measure."

~ Andrei Tarkovsky

I always wonder about this. I wonder how the artist shape their masterpieces to convey a meaning. Must there be a reason for everything? A reason for a dot there, a line here. Colors everywhere, black and white just sprinkled here and there. It's just that I think it would be a heavy task for a person to engineer his/her work to really represent the idea in its purest form.

Does the symbolism encompass everything?

It would be tiring to always second guess yourself, wondering if ever your interpretation is true to what the artist meant. And a satisfying answer doesn't exist. Maybe in this sense I am a generalist (a contrast to my usually detailed self). I look at a work of art as a whole; the meaning for me is formed by the symphony of all components coming together.

I don't usually regard the elements individually. The significance of an art piece, a song or a story is based on my experiences, my personal views and even my feelings at that moment. I look at it and it either speaks to me or it doesn't. It is overwhelming to analyse everything, seriously. I just can't deal with the uncertainty, I guess. Or it is just my inadequacy. I regard as sheer genius for an artist to carefully consider every layer of meaning, every possible angle of interpretation to take the observer to share a glimpse of their inspiration. The creative process is a complex maze of making sense of everything that plays in the artist's mind and heart.

It is the same with writers. The way they play their words is powerful and wonderful to behold. They could move nations to revolt, the oppressed to rise and the sad to be joyous again. Maybe it's true that the heart has many strings and these artists and writers just know how to play the right notes.

Maybe, precisely for these reasons the Quran is so lyrically majestic and that its lessons have to be done with hikmah. It has so many layers of meaning that even after hundreds of years scholars have not finished analyzing it. The Quran has to be learned from a teacher as interpretations vary between individuals. Teaching with hikmah means that even the lessons have to be tailored according to the audience: not altering the essence of meaning but rather customizing the lessons according to what could be accepted by the individual's level of thinking. This is why the demand for knowledge is of utmost importance in Islam. When our knowledge increases, what becomes clear to us is not visible to those who do not know. We slowly begin to appreciate the layers of meaning so intricately beautiful and hidden like the petals of a rose.

As stated here in the Quran, Allah guides to His light whom He wills.

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.

An Nur (24:35)

Only with clarity provided with knowledge that the true meaning of anything could be understood. Only then could we be enlightened. Reflect on these words:

“Everyone sees the unseen in proportion to the clarity of his heart, and that depends upon how much he has polished it. Whoever has polished it more sees more - more unseen forms become manifest to him."

~Rumi

Therefore, the pressing issue now is to increase our knowledge to attain the highest pinnacle of understanding. The first step is easy and already revealed to us: Iqra'.

Black Maria

"When will I stop putting these thoughts into words, praising love that never once cared for the praise I pledge? I should stop myself whenever I feel those words forming in my mouth, threatening to fill over my lips," I vowed to myself a hundred times over.

I stared again at the mirror. The cheap makeup could really conceal everything, especially under these dim orange lights. I moved my hand to shake the ash off my last cigarette, putting them into a little can that I modified to double up as an ashtray. I made a mental note to empty the ashes when I come here again tomorrow, it's full and its stale smell is beginning to get to me. It's a habit of mine to blame the ashes, even though I know full well that smoking in a closed room is what makes the room so stifling. But the smoke is the only one thing keeping me going. I can't let go of that.

Then I sunk onto the chair again. I checked my blouse. This should be alright. But it makes me think of red roses, something that I would dearly want to forget. But whatever it is, I think if he comes tonight he would appreciate the contrast of my yellow skin against the dark red.

My thoughts trailed again as I remembered that roses symbolizes passionate love. I don't know whether it'd qualify to symbolize my love: a thing so resilient that it'd come back afresh to haunt me whenever hope dares to flicker through. I suspect that the people I've given a rose to didn't understand the significance of the gift. They think me mad for giving them a rose; they always have a look of surprise in their faces and confusion in their eyes. I gave it to them anyway. But I never bother to cut out the thorns, as I bled while giving it to them I thought that they might as well bleed with me. Yes, it's a cheap shot: a bitter revenge by someone who's always at the losing end.

I checked the time on the old clock, and the hands are showing 10.00 o'clock. I feel like lingering for a while, savouring the stillness of the night. I went to the window and peeked, checking whether there is anyone on the streets. There is no one. I sat again in front of the dressing table, toying with the hair brush. The all around silence is both comforting and companionable.

Which reminds me, roses also symbolizes silence.

It is so fitting. Love and silence often come hand in hand. There is no need for bright neon lights and trumpeting noise to announce your love. If you mix love with noise, for me it becomes too commercialized, plasticized. No room for the real thing. You can't rush things like love or try to understand it. It either happens or it doesn't. It is either there or it is absent. You have to be one of those lucky ones to have it, and exceptionally blessed to have another person to reciprocate. If you are one of the unlucky ones, I'm sorry I have to break it to you but maybe you're condemned to hold your heart alone forever. This realization is almost always the pin that burst everyone’s bubble: the possibility that love can be selective on whom it chooses to grace with its presence. Call it what you want; luck, fate, or destiny. I’m done blaming things that are out of my control. It doesn’t seem fair to indulge in the blame game when in my heart I realize it is not that big of a deal.

Seriously, it isn’t. The fact is that not everyone is sprinkled with fairy dust. The ones who aren’t probably won’t need it in that way anyway. Love is not bounded with just one form but rather it could manifest in each of our lives in different ways. Sometimes it is too subtle to notice that the void is felt only after it is gone. Actually what we all need is time because love is already there. Not in the way you may want it to be, but it is there.

Yeah, probably I should drag myself out of this abyss of self pity and be thankful for a change for the time I’ve been given. But this may be only my idealist side coming into play. I like to lull myself like that sometimes, I allow my self to be swayed by flimsy hopes only to be brought down again by reality. This time it was the soft rustling at the door. Then I saw what I expected: a yellow note folded neatly in two, slipped into my room beneath the door. I waited until the shadow at the door to move away as I inched toward the note.

"Cancelled"

Just like that. Actually I was expecting more.

Well, I'm always expecting more. Stupid note. Oh well. I should be going on then. No use wasting more of my time here. I'll come by tomorrow.

About Tentang (pun intended)

This is a review on a book written in Malay that is dotted sparingly with English. I imagine that if the book is translated then it'd be an English book dotted sparingly with Malay. That's strange.

But, this shouldn't be shrugged off as an impossibility: many authors have had their works translated, right?

Moreover, this review would be in English. Haha. But hey, maybe using a different language would lead to a pool of audience that is different from the Malay reviews. (I hope).

As evidenced by this nonsensical introduction, I bet that you'd guess by now that my experience reviewing books are at the minimal level. Before this, I've attempted to review Travelog Haji: Mengubah Sempadan Iman by Prof Muhd Kamil Ibrahim. I even did 2 posts about it here and here before I surrendered here. So much for high hopes for self, eh? But reading those posts again made me question, are those actually reviews? Oh, well. That is besides the point, if they aren't then just consider this attempt as the first.

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Title: Tentang

Year: 2011

Author: Saharil Hasrin Sanin

Publisher: Sindiket Sol-Jah

So here goes:

Before anything, the first thing you'd notice is the cover. Maybe it's purposely chosen to grab attention but it can also mean that you can expect the text to be similar with the cover: strange, familiar but only could be contemplated in the mind as words would fail you.

I feel like that sometimes while working my way through the book. I have the habit of reading multiple books in one go and this book makes it easier because after a story I could just stop awhile and then restart where I left off. I was not left hanging, anticipating the next story because one thing you'd learn is that you should expect the unexpected.

Sometimes after finishing a story, I felt a strange aftertaste and I'd look around like I was caught red-handed spying on someone else's life. While reading, a movie would play based on the narrator's text. Or in another instance, you'd imagine a friend, or a stranger on a train telling you his story like its nobody's business. And you, the attentive listener, is just content to stay and listen.

Sometimes, after a story, I fell silent. I think many would identify with many elements played. The honesty of the human perception is evident here. Emotions like melancholy, exhilaration, anticipation, frustration, hope, helplessness and other colors of the heart are manipulated like an elaborate puppet show to illustrate a story or to drive home a point. How it affects me and you would be different.

Everybody says (including the author himself) that the stories possess multiple layers of meaning. I reckon it is like the movie Inception: a dream within a dream. Whether you identify which layer of dream you are in is irrelevant because what you recognize and identify would be real to you. Whatever manifest itself as having significance to you is what is important: all the other layers become immaterial. You are in your own reality. You now have an option to be content with what you understand or to dive deeper.

...Taking a lesson from the movie, I hope you don't fall into limbo ;)

So if you are thinking whether buying this book would be worth it, I'd suggest you read the numerous reviews of Tentang and its twin, Kentang that is filled with praise for the book and author.

To date there's no serious criticism of the book (and if any of you dare, you'd be buried by his legion of die hard fans). The only thing for me is that I am not really into some of the supershort stories because it left too much space bare. I like my books to be filled with words.

But that's about it. I don't particularly care about the typos (deliberate or otherwise) as I feel that's just keeping it real. I already know (from the experience of writing my thesis) that even after a hundred revisions by a hundred eyes: perfection is hard to attain.

So if you're considering a book to buy, pick a wildcard and choose this one :)