Tomorrow is the first day of 2008.
So goodbye 2007, i will leave u behind.
I'll leave you with memories and experiences that color my world today. Some i hope to remember, but some i wish i could forget.
I am thankful for many things but i do regret some things. But I learn from all things.
So as we stand now at the end, i hope my heart would stop its uneven beating. I am undecided as to how strong i would be in facing 2008. Afraid to step forward but don't want to be left behind. Paralyzed by indecision.
This fear of the unknown is only natural. We are always afraid of things we can't control. But if we do have the power to control our destiny and the challenges that we would face, i think our lives would be unspectacular. Maybe good but definitely not fantastic.
Why?
Well, it's because we are only human. Humans only want what they know. So there are many more possibilities and events that could color our lives but just because we don't know about them, then we wouldn't ask for it. How many times have u heard someone say while contemplating how other people seem to have made better choices than them, "Ah..i wish i could've known.."
Aha! Therein lies the problem: there is no way that we could've known...
So my friends, the best thing is to surrender our destiny to Allah, as only He knows all things, and only He knows what's best for us ;)
************************************************************************************
Another thing is that in our imperfection, our knowledge is limited. To prove this point, please answer me this simple question(this is only a random question from yours truly hehe) : why do humans (Homo sapiens) have hair only on top of our heads? Why not all over like a gorilla? Yes, we do have hair at other certain parts of the body, but that is only very smooth hair. In the animal world, i think us humans would be laughed at for having only a tuft of hair on the head! so my friends, be humbled, as we don't know all things...

wah...peningnye memikirkn pasal rumah.
kalau nk sewa rumah, niat asalnya nk senang, tapi jd lebih susah sebab kne deal dgn mcm2 perangai org yg kdg2 kita sendiri pun tak terfikir org tu boleh buat..
**********************************************************************************

sometimes the events that happen bring out the worst in people..
when we're the only ones that think that everything and everyone should be treated equally and fairly, then the ideal situation will not happen.
sometimes it's not that they don't understand, but the refuse to understand.
When emotions are high and every party believes that they are right, then no one would understand reason. No place for rationality in a situation like that.
Disappointing.
*********************************************************************************

Memangla pada peringkat awal, perjanjian sudah ada. Tp apabila masa membuktikan yg syarat2 perjanjian itu sudah tidak praktikal lagi, malah menyusahkn sesetengah pihak, tidak patutkah perjanjian yg membebankn itu ditukar?
pada masa begini, dalam fikiran mereka ialah, "Apa untungnya untuk aku?"
Kata aku: "Janganlah selfish sangat..."
*********************************************************************************

Amid the chaotic process in arranging for a place to stay, at least a part of my life is stable. My family: the only constant in my life. All others are only variables.. ;)

...tp, moga2 masalah rumah ni selesai cepat...

muahahaha!
bangga ngan diri sendiri sbb bjaya dapatkan cbox! hehe
walaupun mmg xde basic lansung dlm programming, brjaye jg letakkan chatbox ni B)
Alhamdulillah sebab terbukti yg aku ni xde la buta teknologi sgt :D
macam teruja lak ngan mende ni, sbb kalo letak kod cbox tu kt tempat lain je dlm html code tu, dah jadi lain rupe blog ni...macam gitu rupenye programming ye? best2

xpe2, slow2 meningkatkn diri walaupun dengan hanya melakukan perkara2 kecil seperti ini.

kejayaan utk diri sendiri, yeay!

slm...
today is not too good. it's been two days since i've known that the progress report for conversion to PhD is due in January, as opposed to Mac before..
I've been in front of this computer countless times, trying to bring myself to write something worthwhile for my report. but as my feelings are like storm in the seas, i couldn't. so the thing i ended up doing is to Procrastinate.
Procrastination. Lost in confusion. Overwhelmed by the sheer enormity of my task.
So why couldn't i start?
...hmm..i guess this isn't the first time these things happen to me. i think i am not one of those people that are able to do their work early. i thrive in the eleventh hour, basking in the rush of adrenaline while racing to reach the deadline.
Just hope i reach the deadline. Or it'll just be a line where i'll be dead.
********
Ya Allah, berikanlah aku kekuatan untuk mengatasi kelemahanku sebagai seorang insan.

Below is an article i once wrote for UPMU website (a website for the masjid in Unimas). Even though i wrote it a long long time ago, i still think it's true...
tell me wht u think, nur_aqli@hotmail.com
***************************
" terdapat banyak bintang dilangit, tetapi hanya satu sahaja begitu menyerlah sehingga dapat menarik perhatian anda....
Dari kalangan yang anda pilih untuk abaikan sebenarnya adalah sebutir bintang yang sanggup menyinari anda walau dimana sahaja anda berada..."

seringkali kita mendengar lagu atau melihat filem2, dia kata,"wajahmu bak bulan" ataupun satu lagi yg popular, "andai kau menjadi bulan, biarlah aku menjadi bintang"....hmm.
apa maksud sebenarnye ni? bila saya fikirkan, saya memang x setuju dengan percintaan bulan dan bintang ni. kenapa ye? saya bukan sasterawan, tetapi saya punya hati dan perasaan. saya memilih untuk menilai frasa ini dari sudut sains.
kalau kita lihat, bintang sebenarnya hebat. dia punya cahayanya sendiri, menyinar tanpa bantuan orang lain, hanya dengan izin Allah. tetapi, bulan pula tidak mempunyai cahaya tersendiri, bulan hanya sebagai pemantul kepada cahaya matahari. jika difikirkan secara logik, bintang tidak akan nampak bulan. hanya bulan yang akan nampak bintang. macam seseorang yang menyintai seseorang yg lain dalam diam, hanya dia yang melihat org impiannya itu menyinar dengan gemilang tetapi org itu x menyedari kehadirannya. bintang kan sebenarnya suatu jasad yg besar, terletak berjuta2 tahun cahaya jauhnya dari bulan. bulan yg menyinar dengan chy pantulan tidak akan dapat dilihat oleh bintang. does this make sense to you? to me it makes perfect sense. bagi seseoramg yang mmg ditakdirkn untuk mengalami percintaan bulan bintang ni, mmg menyedihkan. sesuatu yg dapat dilihat dengan mata tidak dpt digapai dengan tangan...
saya mengerti perasaan insan sebegini, kerana saya pernah menjadi bagai bulan. menyukai seseorang yg tak mengerti. i've been hurting myself all this while. but one day as i was listening to IKIM.fm, ada satu sajak tu dia kata, " bagaimana makhluk boleh memberi, sedangkan dia sendiri masih mencari?" saya tersentak. saya tiba2 sedar yg selama ini, i've been looking for love at all the wrong places. mengapa mendamba sesuatu yg tidak pasti? mengapa mesti megharap cinta makhluk sedangkan cinta dan kasih Illahi tidak tentu dihayati? setiap hari mendapat rezeki, walaupun segunung dosa dilakukan. hanya cinta Allah itulah yg hakiki, biasa didengar, tetapi baru kini mengerti sedikit maknanya. hanya Allah memberi tanpa mengharap ganti, cuma diperintahkan kita menurut perintahNya dan meninggalkan laranganNya.
satu lg kata2 yg saya dpt, " Tuhan telah menciptakan kamu untuk diriNya tetapi kamu pula mengkehendaki yang selanNya" "Kamu itu hamba yg lari dari tuannya, maka kembalilah kepada tuanmu iaitu Allah."
semua ini betul bukan? mmg betul sesuatu yg didengar tak tentu difahami oleh hati. mecari kasih makhluk sedangkan yg berkuasa memberi hanyalah Dia Yang Maha Esa.
"Bukankah Allah cukup untuk melindungi hamba- hambaNya" Az-Zumar:36.

Saya bukanlah sesempurna mana, hanya seorang hamba yg mencari pengertian, insyaAllah
_________________
Allah has reason for allowing things to happen. We may not understand His wisdom, but simply, we must trust his will... So there is a reason for being here, think about it and tell me when u find out what it is

Here's a sweet song:

Won't Go Home Without You

by Maroon 5

album: It Won't Be Soon Before Long (2007)

I asked her to stay but she wouldn't listen
She left before I had the chance to say (Oh)
The words that would mend the things that were broken
But now it's far too late, she's gone away

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

The taste of your breath, I'll never get over
The noises that you made kept me awake (Oh)
The weight of things that remain unspoken
Built up so much it crushed us everyday

Every night you cry yourself to sleep
Thinking: "Why does this happen to me?
Why does every moment have to be so hard?"
Hard to believe that

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

Of all the things I felt but never really shown
Perhaps the worst is that I ever let you go
I should not ever let you go, oh oh oh

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you

It's not over tonight
Just give me one more chance to make it right
I may not make it through the night
I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you
And I won't go home without you 

*******
i loved this song from the very first time i heard it. i dunno why, maybe it's the beautiful melody combined with the unique vocals of Adam Levin..
..or i just love the message of the song: Not letting go...
*******
You know, to me love is supposed to make u strong. For the love that we have in our hearts, we'll become stronger than we ever thought we could be. So when i look around me, there's always someone crying over someone they've given their hearts to. always nursing an endless heartbreak.
when u love, u r supposed to be strong. even when u let go, u have to be strong about it. why? just because there is always a stronger love, a greater love, the ONE love. The loss of a love that was never destined to be shouldn't be mulled over years without end. there's surely something better, some reason all these things happen. Nothing is without reason, nothing happens in vain.
*******
I noticed that people nowadays have very little faith in other people. why can't these people believe that the other person does not desire their sacrifice, does not need their money, does not need their strength. They just need for them to be there. Ever present as their true friend...
so even when the going gets tough (like the song) then it does not mean that they'll leave u to be high and dry, hanging by a thread. Even when sometimes people fail, it doesn't mean they'll leave you.
Do have faith.Truth is, when u don't trust them to be there for u, they'll know.
someone once told me, "when u love somebody, they'll know" but i think the reverse is also true because what we feel in our hearts will show on our face...
******
However, visions and personal interpretations could be wrong. Just to make sure: ask. Communication is everything. What we think won't be necessarily what everybody else think. A cup is always half full or half empty. It's not because positive or negative thinking: it all come down to Perspective.

******

Another sweet song would be Nothing lasts forever also by Maroon 5..

i've got an offer to continue my studies at PhD level. I've known this is coming, but somehow or rather i thought that it would never come to be. but then, suddenly one fine day Dr Teh n Prof Zaki called me and Wani to Prof Zaki's office to discuss about the conversion..

Yes, I know that the offer is not yet a reality. There are countless processes prior to conversion like the progress report submission, progress report presentation, supervisors' support and recommendation to the university..etcetera2...Just thinking about doing a PhD project made me feel more adult, not a little girl that could fool around anymore. more responsible maybe? hmm..

i know full well that becoming a PhD student is not a breeze..more like a ferocious gale or heavy rain. The commitment and the sacrifice needed is just too great. Far more than the trials and tribulations faced during bachelor's degree.
sometimes in my head, i keep asking myself, "Why am i doing this?!!"
But then, on a second thought, there is really nothing else i'd rather be doing.
Ironic..or moronic? i truly don't know...

I just realised that i rarely update this blog (how abt once a year?? haha). Its not that i have nothing to say, i just didn't think what i was going to say is worthwhile. Sometimes i even forgot that i even have this blog, i usually update my friendster blog (that is also not much better, my posts are in no way regular. what to say? i only type when i feel like it *sigh*)
*****
A friend just gave me a message, this is how it goes:

nashah wrote:
lisa, kerana ko begitu meminati dunia study ni, aku nak mintak pendapat ko...

mana lg bagus, further study ke keje je trus..pertimbangkan jgk faktor usia skang, kerjaya d masa depan, prospek kerjaya selepas itu, dan satu lg..ttg mendirikan umah tangga..

camne pendapat ko..aku perlukan khidmat nasihat ni..klu ko ada ms utk wat kajian ni dan mmberi aku pndapat,aku sgt la bbesar hati...hehehhe

Hmm...macam mn nk jwb nih?
then aku pun ngan berserah sj menaip:

hahaha... aku ni memang minat dunia study ni sbb xyah terikat oleh rutin kerja! hehe
tp, study pun bukannye senang, lagi2 dlm bidang bio mcm kite nih. kadang2 kerje die lebih mcabar dari org yg ade regular job. kadang2 smpai mlm, weekend xde life, exhausted..dah tu tambah lak ngan kerenah supervisor n sesape lg yg ko perlu b'urusan utk complete projek..n bmacam2lg yg kdg2 buat ko t'fikir, "kenapa la gatal sgt wat master??"

...tapi kn shikin, further study ni ade kpuasan die tsendiri yg kerja xdpt bg. kita akan jd kuat hanya kerana kita tau yg benda yg kita tgh buat ni, adalah milik kita. semua yg berlaku menggambarkan ksungguhan kita, usaha kita, segala jerih payah kita. w/pun kadang2 tu rasa nk give up n give in, tp sebab sendiri yg pilih jalan ni, maka akn jd kuat. sebab wat master, or sambung study pada peringkat mana pun, hakikatnye adalah pengorbanan.

Kalo ko tanya aku pasal umur, kawen, keluarga, masa depan, mana lg bagus: study or kerja...semua tu bgantung pada kita sendiri. jawapannye semua ade dlm diri sendiri.

Kene tanya, what are your priorities in life? we have to know what we WANT and also what we DON'T WANT in this life. bila ko da jawab soalan ni, baru la tau sama ada sacrifice itu worth it atau tidak.

Bende ni mcm xde betul salah, sebab semua bgantung pd kmahuan n situasi masing2. kalo kerja dulu dapat pengalaman kerja, skil admin n jg maturity yg aku dpt detect dlm kwn2 yg da keje sbb exposure diorang dpt. Ultimately, ada duit sendiri, independent to a certain extent because of their financial freedom.

Tp, utk sambung belajar balik selepas tu, sangat susah. sangat susah.
Satu sebab field kita asyik bkembang, so kalo stat lmbut, kene la brainwash n retrain diri sendiri ngan skil2 n minfo tbaru. lg satu sebab ialah bila ade duit sendiri, secara sedar atau tidak, kita akn ade tanggungjwb. terhadap keluarga misalnya (boleh keluarga sendiri or bila da bsuami nnt). sebab selama ini kita kn ada duit, maka beban kewangan sehari2 kita dpt ringankn. dengan duit itu juga kita boleh memenuhi kperluan sendiri tanpa perlu meminta pd org lain.
Boleh ke tetiba tarik kesenangan itu? Fikirkn...

Kalo study trus, yg bagusnye sebab kita muda lg n belum bkeluarga. so kalo nk buat kerja or menguruskn hal2 menjadi budak master senang. kita juga akn dpt lebih byk knowledge n skil dlm bidang kita ni sebab kita x terikat oleh rutin kerja. how much u r exposed to the knowledge totally depend on YOU; berapa byk nk baca, how willing u r to increase ur knowledge, acquire new skills..sebab supervisor hanya sekadar supervise je. macam belaja kereta la, kita bawak kereta tp ade instructor kt sebelah. nk jalan ke, nk reverse ke, nk langgar pokok ke, semua bgantung pada kita. instructor kt sebelah hanya boleh bercakap n tekan brek extra kt tempat die tu je..yg lain kite sendiri.
n bila kita da berjaya dpt ijazah kita tu, it will open new doors n opportunities that were closed before. opportunities that would not come to a degree holder.
master, PhD, etc.. semuanya bg aku entirely abt the future. kesusahan hari ini utk ksenangan masa depan. what u plant today, u will harvest tomorrow...

yg tak bestnye further study ni, bagi aku, ialah xde financial source. Kalo dapat scholar Alhamdulillah. so mmg balik kepada zaman student balik: pakai selebet je, makan pun ala kadar, nk jalan2 pun susah sebab nk save.
satu lg, social circle x luas, ye la, ko pun tau, asyik dok lab je 24 jam. utk aku yg forever single ni, memang susah la (tp aku x risau, insyaAllah ade la tu kt mana2, yakin dgn rahmatNya, tp aku suspek die sesat jalan huhuhu) tapi untuk ko....
aku tak risau ;) hehe

kesimpulannye shikin, kalo nk further mmg dugaannya hebat. lebih hebat dari masa wat final year project dulu (gila kn? kalo nk anta thesis je ko kene ingat ni: everything that could go wrong, Will. so be prepared :P hahaha)
so kene la tgk situasi kita sendiri mcm mn. what is good for others may not be necessarily good for ourselves.
apa2 pun, kene fikir masak2
aku hrp apa yg aku ckpkn ni mjawab soalan ko, papehal update aku k

Wishing u the best in everything u do :)

****
so how about it? did i do alright? i just wish my language is a bit more "bhikmah" n not too straightforward..mayb that skill would come in time, i think i need a bit more practice.

Counseling, anyone?

Something entered my mind just now: The bulk of my life is filled with hours..and hours...and hours...of waiting. Is it or is there anyone else who feels the same?
In the morning when i wake up (usually much earlier than my alarm) then i'll wait for my alarm to go off rather than getting off bed (hmm..then why didn't i just change the alarm time?? LAZINESS, people!). Then after I'm all dressed up, I'll wait for the water in the kettle to boil n the bread in the toaster to toast (this event is strictly when i'm not rushing to the lab :p). then I'd start up my car and go to the lab. Along the way I'll have to go through multiple traffic lights (waiting again for the green light) and if i'm unlucky enough I'll get stuck behind a lorry that's going at a snails pace and i couldn't get past it due to the endless traffic on the other side.

hmm...

however, i'm still waiting for my prince charming. I'm sure he's out there somewhere, probably stuck in endless traffic or he got lost and is too lazy to ask for directions. If you guys see him, would you do me a favour and tell him to speed things up? I don't exactly need him in my life rite now but it's nice to know he's around ;)

hahahahahaha...as if that is possible :p