A thought I can't shake off

It is kinda sad that maybe all you long for are series of lovely "Good morning" and "Goodnight"

Hentian sementara

Hidup ini perjuangan yang penuh lelah. Namun ia bukan perjalanan yang menghukum. Kamu boleh saja berhenti sejenak denganku disini. Letakkan segala yang kau galas itu sebentar, percayalah tiada apa akan terjadi pada bebanmu itu.
Kita berhenti sini dan berkongsi saat ini, sampai mungkin lelah itu reda. Kemudian kamu teruskanlah perjalanan. Aku takkan menghalangmu. Mana tahu, sebenarnya aku yang pergi dahulu. Namun sebelum saat itu tiba, berhentilah bersamaku disini. Kita sama-sama memerhati detik waktu yang pergi tanpa ia kembali lagi.
~nur aqli, 2018

The rest

Ramadan is around the corner.
How I wish it could come faster.
I feel dirty and drowning in my own sins and unworthiness that manifest in the hypershooting of neurons in my brain that push me to a recluse. I need company, I tire of being alone but I'm tired too around people.
I thought I needed a break but maybe it has to be something more long-term, more permanent.
I feel tired all the time.
I feel like running to Allah but I haven't been good..so I drag my heart in anticipation of the price that I have to pay later.
Ramadan offers some solace, a door of redemption.
Hope without fulfilment is like cocaine: we keep dosing ourselves with it but it is slowly chipping away what you are bit by bit until you are a shell of whom you were, hallucinating in its effects.
I look at myself with pity and a bit of disgust due to what I have resorted to do and also what I am capable of doing. Where had all the innocence gone?
Ramadan is coming and I can't wait. It offers such sweetness unfounded in any other time of the year..it's like we and everybody else, even the trees and animals are all different when blessed with Ramadan.
I need rest, i am filled with exhaustion.