Saturday, April 01, 2017

I leave you in the care of Allah

It was the first time I went for umrah. With Allah's permission it was with my parents and my relatives. There were countless people in Masjidil Haram as it was during Ramadan. We went to the masjid to complete our umrah after breaking fast as we were all in ihram, although we have just arrived in Mekah after going through a gruelling 6-hour journey by bus. Our group was late, but just when we were about to enter the masjid the call to prayer was made and the push and shove suddenly transformed into automatic discipline to form saf. I didn't know what to think. Our mutawif was shouting, "Solat aja disini, solat aja!" Our group immediately joined the saf, mixed women and men. All this while ayah was beside me. Shielding me and protecting me as best he could from the chaos. After solat, we continued moving into the masjid as we have yet to complete our umrah. Being in the state of ihram was a big trial at that time...maybe this is why umrah during Ramadan is likened to hajj. I was feeling fearful but alhamdulillah for the presence of ayah, Cik Awi and Kak Chik. Ayah held my hand the whole time, a source of comfort for his daughter. But when we entered tawaf area it was difficult to hold on. My other hand was holding on to Kak Chik as the risk of being swept away by the crowd was overwhelmingly high. Then suddenly ayah let go of my hand. I was alarmed but then I felt the pat at my back, signalling me to go on. I looked over my shoulders, holding on to dear Kak Chik's hand and we were swept into the crowd. The image of Ayah getting further away, finally lost within the crowd.
What was the pat in the back, the sign to move on when holding on was futile? I know what he meant, ayah left me with Allah and I need to leave him to Allah too.. There is no way to fight the will of Allah: what will be, will be. What has passed, cannot be undone.
I will forever miss his presence, his wisdom and his love. But Allah will take care of him, better than we ever could.
Missing ayah badly.. al-Fatihah for my father

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A plea for a way out

In order not to be disappointed, people say just keep your expectations low. What if your expectations of others is low enough but other people's expectations are unreasonably high? Expect this, expect that. Never wanting to hear or even make an attempt to understand your situation as they feel that what they think things should be is the only way there is. The only way. No room for leeway. Such an exasperating situation. I am sad beyond tears. It just weighs in the heart.

Allah..only You can make them understand.
Please Allah, make them understand that I am trying very hard and there is no malice inside my heart. My focus sometimes blind me from their needs but they remind me of it in the most hurtful way.
Allah, make me understand them too..I really am mostly baffled by their actions and their judgment.
Allah..why do you make them so blind toward others?
Sometimes this is too much. Allah..please make for me a way out. It is a stifling situation.
Allah..please help me to act and respond in the best way possible. Grant me wisdom and grace because maybe my edges are too sharp, my words indecipherable, and my disposition disturbing for them? me the best way to correct my ways. I am truly at loss..

Tuesday, February 14, 2017

Ikhlas yang kini culas

Habis kudrat mengayuh perahu,
Semangat melihat pulau nun jelas,
Ada hal cuma Tuhan yang tahu:
Jodoh, rezeki, umur dan ikhlas

Orang dipulau meninjau tingkap,
Setia menanti yang dicinta,
Apa perlunya ikhlas disingkap,
Baik menafsir yang jelas ternyata

Sampai dermaga cinta disambut,
Namun hati diganggu curiga,
Walaupun asal kasih bertaut,
Ikhlas diuji rapuh jadinya

Jatuh embun dihujung dahan,
Tidak diendah walau dipesan,
Hakikat ikhlas ilmunya Tuhan,
Mengapa uji kepada insan?

Tercalar hati meminta belas,
Namun kasih tidak dihargai,
Mulanya ikhlas, bertukar culas,
Sedih hati yang dicurigai

Bawa hatimu jauh kembara,
Luas terbentang samudra raya,
Cekalkan hatimu yang nyata lara,
Azam menyinta Yang Maha Kaya

~Nur_aqli, 2017