Wednesday, May 10, 2017

Doa dan syukur itu sebahagian perjuangan kita untuk hidup

Masihku ingat yang salah satu doaku sewaktu masih kecil yang *mungkin* lain sikit dari orang ialah agar Allah swt mengurniakan aku kesukaan, keredhaan dan kegembiraan atas segala yang Allah kurniakan. Supaya aku suka apa yang actually aku dapat. Bila doa dulu macam complicated tapi mungkin sebenarnya apa yang didoakan adalah rasa syukur. Sesungguhnya syukur itu amat sukar..
Jadinya sekarang alhamdulillah, doa tentang makanan semua terkabul, cepat atau lambat haha.. Allah letakkan macam-macam rasa dan keinginan yang akhirnya Allah realisasikan. Contohnya jika terasa nak makan kek? Tiba-tiba ada yang beri atau aku sendiri yang beli. Keupayaan untuk beli itupun dari Allah swt. Diberinya rezeki duit dan kesempatan atau rezeki itu melalui orang lain, yang tiada pengetahuan lansung tentang keinginan hati kita.
Ada dua cara kita boleh fikirkan hal ini: (1) lintasan hati itu sejenis doa yang dikabulkan, apatah lagi doa yang kita panjatkan dalam ibadah dan sebagai amalan seharian kita dan atas asbab doa itu Allah pun kabulkan atau (2) Allah swt memang sudah tulis rezeki kita, memang mahu dikurniakanNya kita perkara itu maka diberinya keinginan kita terhadap perkara itu supaya kita gembira dan bersedia menerimanya apabila perkara itu berlaku. Lain kan? Sebenarnya dua-dua situasi boleh terjadi tapi ramai yang fikirkan situasi (1) kerana sememangnya doa itu senjata mukmin yang boleh mengubah ketentuan.
Namun, jika kita fikirkan lagi sebenarnya situasi (1) berakhir dengan situasi (2) kerana Allah yang mengerakkan diri untuk berdoa.
Maksudnya, selagi kita berdoa dan taat tentu ada rezeki yang mahu diberiNya. Samalah macam jodoh, yang hati kita cenderung padanya. Sama jugalah macam apa-apa rezeki lain.
Maka kesimpulannya jangan berhenti berdoa dan bersyukur atas segalanya.
Serupa dengan kata Rumi dalam sebahagian puisinya,

“Your calling my name is My reply.
Your longing for Me is My message to you.
All your attempts to reach Me
Are in reality My attempts to reach you.
Your fear and love are a noose to catch Me.
In the silence surrounding every call of “God”
Waits a thousand replies of “Here I AM."

Saturday, April 01, 2017

I leave you in the care of Allah

It was the first time I went for umrah. With Allah's permission it was with my parents and my relatives. There were countless people in Masjidil Haram as it was during Ramadan. We went to the masjid to complete our umrah after breaking fast as we were all in ihram, although we have just arrived in Mekah after going through a gruelling 6-hour journey by bus. Our group was late, but just when we were about to enter the masjid the call to prayer was made and the push and shove suddenly transformed into automatic discipline to form saf. I didn't know what to think. Our mutawif was shouting, "Solat aja disini, solat aja!" Our group immediately joined the saf, mixed women and men. All this while ayah was beside me. Shielding me and protecting me as best he could from the chaos. After solat, we continued moving into the masjid as we have yet to complete our umrah. Being in the state of ihram was a big trial at that time...maybe this is why umrah during Ramadan is likened to hajj. I was feeling fearful but alhamdulillah for the presence of ayah, Cik Awi and Kak Chik. Ayah held my hand the whole time, a source of comfort for his daughter. But when we entered tawaf area it was difficult to hold on. My other hand was holding on to Kak Chik as the risk of being swept away by the crowd was overwhelmingly high. Then suddenly ayah let go of my hand. I was alarmed but then I felt the pat at my back, signalling me to go on. I looked over my shoulders, holding on to dear Kak Chik's hand and we were swept into the crowd. The image of Ayah getting further away, finally lost within the crowd.
What was the pat in the back, the sign to move on when holding on was futile? I know what he meant, ayah left me with Allah and I need to leave him to Allah too.. There is no way to fight the will of Allah: what will be, will be. What has passed, cannot be undone.
I will forever miss his presence, his wisdom and his love. But Allah will take care of him, better than we ever could.
Missing ayah badly.. al-Fatihah for my father

Tuesday, February 21, 2017

A plea for a way out

In order not to be disappointed, people say just keep your expectations low. What if your expectations of others is low enough but other people's expectations are unreasonably high? Expect this, expect that. Never wanting to hear or even make an attempt to understand your situation as they feel that what they think things should be is the only way there is. The only way. No room for leeway. Such an exasperating situation. I am sad beyond tears. It just weighs in the heart.

Allah..only You can make them understand.
Please Allah, make them understand that I am trying very hard and there is no malice inside my heart. My focus sometimes blind me from their needs but they remind me of it in the most hurtful way.
Allah, make me understand them too..I really am mostly baffled by their actions and their judgment.
Allah..why do you make them so blind toward others?
Sometimes this is too much. Allah..please make for me a way out. It is a stifling situation.
Allah..please help me to act and respond in the best way possible. Grant me wisdom and grace because maybe my edges are too sharp, my words indecipherable, and my disposition disturbing for them? me the best way to correct my ways. I am truly at loss..