Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts

Thursday, August 10, 2017


Ya Allah,
aku mengadukan kepadaMu kesunyian diriku..
Kesunyian yang menggigit walau dikalangan orang yang ramai..
Ya Allah, aku mengadukan kepadaMu keletihan diriku,
Masa yang diisi dengan kesibukan-kesibukan kosong,
Untuk memadam kenyataan yang mencengkam.
Namun bagaimana keletihan ini akan berakhir,
bila sebenarnya jiwalah yang lelah?
Ya Allah,
Maha Pelindung hamba-hambaNya yang lemah,
Lindungilah aku, jangan Kau biarkan aku terhina dihadapan manusia..
Amankan aku dari mereka yang meresahkan jiwaku, menyesakkan dadaku dan memenatkan kudratku..
Amankan aku dari mereka yang bertentangan jiwa mereka dengan jiwaku,
Jauhkan aku dari mereka ya Allah,
Hanya padaMu aku taat dan aku bersujud,
Selamatkan takdirku dari bergantung pada mereka ataupun diriku sendiri..
Aku hanya ingin bergantung harap padaMu ya Allah..
Ya Allah,
Aku mengadukan kepadaMu kerinduan hatiku
pada perkara dan masa yang telah lalu
dan pada perkara dan masa yang belum berlaku lagi..
Doa harapan ini hanya Kau yang Maha Mengetahui..
Hanya padaMu aku menyerahkan diri ini,
Sesungguhnha Laa ilaha illallah, laa haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'adzim..

Ya Allah,
Ampunilah diriku dan berlembutlah dengan takdirku..
Aku hanya hambaMu yang lemah, cuma menunggu dijemput pulang dalam ketenangan

Saturday, April 01, 2017

I leave you in the care of Allah

It was the first time I went for umrah. With Allah's permission it was with my parents and my relatives. There were countless people in Masjidil Haram as it was during Ramadan. We went to the masjid to complete our umrah after breaking fast as we were all in ihram, although we have just arrived in Mekah after going through a gruelling 6-hour journey by bus. Our group was late, but just when we were about to enter the masjid the call to prayer was made and the push and shove suddenly transformed into automatic discipline to form saf. I didn't know what to think. Our mutawif was shouting, "Solat aja disini, solat aja!" Our group immediately joined the saf, mixed women and men. All this while ayah was beside me. Shielding me and protecting me as best he could from the chaos. After solat, we continued moving into the masjid as we have yet to complete our umrah. Being in the state of ihram was a big trial at that time...maybe this is why umrah during Ramadan is likened to hajj. I was feeling fearful but alhamdulillah for the presence of ayah, Cik Awi and Kak Chik. Ayah held my hand the whole time, a source of comfort for his daughter. But when we entered tawaf area it was difficult to hold on. My other hand was holding on to Kak Chik as the risk of being swept away by the crowd was overwhelmingly high. Then suddenly ayah let go of my hand. I was alarmed but then I felt the pat at my back, signalling me to go on. I looked over my shoulders, holding on to dear Kak Chik's hand and we were swept into the crowd. The image of Ayah getting further away, finally lost within the crowd.
What was the pat in the back, the sign to move on when holding on was futile? I know what he meant, ayah left me with Allah and I need to leave him to Allah too.. There is no way to fight the will of Allah: what will be, will be. What has passed, cannot be undone.
I will forever miss his presence, his wisdom and his love. But Allah will take care of him, better than we ever could.
Missing ayah badly.. al-Fatihah for my father

Friday, August 05, 2011

A cautionary time

Have you ever eaten sand?
Not little bits of sand that was leftover from inadequate washing of vegetables, but a mouthful of dry fine sand. It creates a painful lump in the throat. I could imagine the noise that the little grains would make as it resounds in the head. It would be difficult to swallow, definitely. That's probably due to the dryness of the sand. That is how the sensation felt like when I was told the news.

Have you ever noticed how the colors seem to fade and with it all reality slipped into a vacuum?
Nothing matters anymore when beauty is lost. And you don't even bother recalling the memories, it would not bring any comfort anyway. Right now, at least. What matters now is only the concern of the present.

...It has started again. It is a time to be cautious. I am thankful for all that Allah has given us,but I am still afraid. I'm praying hard for strength and time for everybody, especially Ayah.

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'azim

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Soul: Sold to the one who gives me light

Out-worn heart, in a time out-worn,
Come clear of the nets of wrong and right;
Laugh heart again in the gray twilight,
Sigh, heart, again in the dew of the morn.

Your mother Eire is always young,
Dew ever shining and twilight gray;
Though hope fall from you and love decay,
Burning in fires of a slanderous tongue.

Come, heart, where hill is heaped upon hill:
For there the mystical brotherhood
Of sun and moon and hollow and wood
And river and stream work out their will;

And God stands winding His lonely horn,
And time and the world are ever in flight;
And love is less kind than the gray twilight,
And hope is less dear than the dew of the morn.

~Into the twilight, William Butler Yeats (1865-1935)

I don't know if I believe in chasing dreams anymore.
I wonder, if we are not chasing them, where would they go?
Do they just go on and on, until another destiny catches them and weave the dreams into that another person's reality?
Sometimes I feel that when ambition and success becomes the sole goal of a person, it will consume you whole. There will never be enough left for any other areas of your life. Its only a tricky trade for time. You can't do both: it is either this or that.
At this point of my life, ambition and success are both dirty words to my ears.
I hate them not because of the hard work associated with them but rather I am unsure if I want to be those kind of persons I see as successful and ambitious.
I just don't think it is in me to do those kind of sacrifices that these people do on a daily basis.
Making hard choices that is opposite from the heart will make you mechanical, almost robotic.
And right now, I feel trapped. It's like being at a crossroad where every road is very uninviting, dark and dreary. Like being in a jail, but the difference is I don't know who holds the key and why the hell I am stuck here.
Maybe it is me who trapped myself.
I admit, I have an intense desire to do the right thing, make the right choices, take the right path. But now everything doesn't feel right.
I don't really want to do anything right now, and these games are making me sick to the core.
Have anybody heard somewhere some people say, "if you don't know how high is the price you're paying, don't pay"?
Yeah, I wish I could. So wth am I supposed to do? Give them a rain check saying, "sorry, my innards ain't feeling so well, come ask me another question, another day will ya?"
That would literally blow their pants off and spark off another trail of drama that is tiring to the soul and chafes against the will. Nobody wants that. Beware, because then maybe your wings will be clipped and you can limp your way toward nothingness and mediocrity.

All situations, all choices have 50-50 chance of either making it through or crash and burn.
If the choices you make defines who you are, then what would this reflect on you?
I believe that God will not leave us, whatever our choices may be.
But a bad destiny can be, must be changed to a good destiny.
Like living in a place that rains once a year, but once it rains, it fills up a river. A bad destiny would be you be dead waiting for the next rainfall and changing this doom to a good destiny is by using your brains to trap the water by building a dam or putting it somewhere it won't dry off in rations that would last you a year.
See the difference?
Destinies can be changed. First you have to believe in God, then do something to rectify, then leave it to God again. Tawakal never stops, even when we are in the process of trying. We enter into our efforts fully aware of our inadequacy and the might of the Almighty that surpasses all things, even destiny.
So what am I going to do? I truly don't know. I haven't the slightest idea. I can't see the light yet.
But hey, as a consolation thought is this: we somehow always end up where we are supposed to be.
Maybe this is the path that was meant for me, and maybe it isn't.
I think I'm old enough for taking my chances with fate. If I am not here, then I'll definitely be over there.
In any case, I hope everything turn out alright ;)

Sunday, April 17, 2011

This made me cry

And He provides for him from (sources) he never could imagine. And if any one puts his trust in Allah, sufficient is (Allah) for him. For Allah will surely accomplish his purpose: verily, for all things has Allah appointed a due proportion. (Ath-thalaq, 65:3)

Sometimes when I feel alone and lost, subtle things happen to me to remind me that all is not lost.
I say subtle because if you're not careful, you'll miss the signs.
Being alone is never true, as there is always Allah with you. He is closer than your soul.
Nothing can beat that.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Memberi alasan dan pujukan pada jiwa

Bagaimana kalau semuanya terjadi cuma dengan pengharapan?
Betapa besarnya harapan kita pada sesuatu, begitulah jua keinginan kita terhadap sesuatu.
Kalaulah semua maksud tercapai asalkan punya harapan yang kuat, dunia apakah yang akan kita dapat nanti?
Kau dan kau patut mendapatkannya semata-mata kerana kau lebih mengharapkannya. Kau pula tidak mendapatnya kerana kau kurang usaha, kau kurang harapan untuk mendapatkannya.

Kalau beginilah jalan dunia, yang berjaya cumalah mereka yang benar-benar berusaha untuk kejayaan itu dan bukan orang-orang opurtunis yang licik mencari peluang.
Kalau ini cara terbaik, yang tertindas akan menang dan yang berdosa akan kesusahan.
Kalau inilah cara yang sepatutnya, orang-orang yang benar-benar layak menjadi ibu bapa akan dikurniakan anak dan bukan orang-orang yang cuma akan membuang anak kandungan ditepi jalan. Atau lagi orang-orang yang bahagia dalam cinta cumalah orang-orang yang tidak akan mensia-siakan cintanya dan bukan orang-orang buta yang tak reti mensyukuri nikmat didepan mata.
Apa yang kita diajarkan selama ini: yang baik itu yang bahagia, yang tua itu yang dahulu atau yang berusaha itu yang akan mendapatkan...cumalah perkara-perkara yang benar dalam kehidupan utopia.

Dunia ini bukan tempat untuk mendapatkan keadilan, bukan tempat menemukan kesenangan dan pasti bukan tempat untuk menikmati kerehatan. Dinamik dunia tidak menurut ideal.

Dunia inikan secara hakikatnya adalah ujian. Semuanya nanti untuk mendapatkan keputusan kemana kau nanti di Titian Sirat.
Satu-satu dikira, tidak mungkin tertinggal. Dalam ini sahaja ditemukan keadilan kerana diputuskan Yang Maha Adil.

Bagaimana aku waktu itu? Bagaimana pula engkau? Entah.
Memang hati sakit melihat ketidakadilan berleluasa menurut timbangan insan.
Tapi boleh buat apa selain berdoa untuk diberi lebih kesabaran dan rahmat untuk menikmati apa yang didambakan?
Segalanya dalam rancanganNya. Kita memang cepat melatah, semacam Nabi Musa a.s bila diuji hikmat Nabi Khidir a.s.
Zahirnya memang tidak adil dan salah. Tapi apabila waktunya semua diterangkan maksud, bukankah keinsafan timbul kerana terlalu ikutkan kejahilan diri?
Keadilan itu pasti ada, cuma relativiti masa itu memang menggugat kesabaran.
Tidak mengapa, Allah kan ada.
Andainya memang milik kita, tiada siapa lagi yang boleh dan sanggup menidakkannya.
Sekarang cuma tinggal untuk berdoa dan letak pengharapan padaNya, agar harapan kita sama dengan apa yang menjadi rezeki kita pada akhirnya.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

Lemonade life

He had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once ~Neil Gaiman
Since I've made my two resolutions for my birthday (1. to be more grateful and patient 2. to be more open hearted), it seems like the whole world has ganged up on me to solely make me fail.
So many things, until the insignificance of me, how helpless I am in the chain of events that unfold become so clear to me. Feeling small in a big bad world.
But it doesn't matter. I tell myself that each and every time a thought or event that threaten the heart comes. Love, Life, Career..everything. But at least the future holds promise, of what I don't know. I just have this unending hope that it will all be better. It is just something we all have to wade through, right? The tribulations of life is what you signed up for when you agreed to this existence. You are your choices, you are your dreams: all these motto sometimes don't make sense and sometimes they make perfect sense. A paradox of sorts.
But you can't say you haven't been warned:

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near

Adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum sampai kepada kamu (ujian dan cubaan) seperti yang telah berlaku kepada orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada kamu? Mereka telah ditimpa kepapaan (kemusnahan harta benda) dan serangan penyakit, serta digoncangkan (oleh ancaman bahaya musuh), sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman yang ada besertanya: "Bilakah (datangnya) pertolongan Allah?" Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat (asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada agama Allah)

~al-Baqarah, 214

And another thing to slowly bring us to acceptance and the desire to face everything head on:

Ya Allah,
saya mengadukan kepada-Mu lemahnya kekuatan diriku,
sangat terbatasnya kecerdasanku dan kehinaan diriku atas manusia,
dengan rahmat Engkau, Ya Allah,
Tuhan pemelihara sekalian alam.
Engkaulah pemelihara sekalian orang-orang dhaif,
Engkaulah Tuhanku.
Kepada siapakah Engkau menyerahkan aku?
Kepada orang asing yang mengusir aku,
Atau kepada musuh yang menguasai urusanku?
Tetapi meskipun demikian saya redha,
Asal saja Engkau tidak memurkai aku.
Kemaafan-Mu lebih besar dari dosaku,
Saya meminta dengan Nur Zat-Mu yang menerangi semua kegelapan,
Dan dengan-Nya menjadi baik segala urusan dunia dan akhirat,
Semoga aku tidak tertimpa kemurkaan-Mu dan azab-Mu.
Bagimu sumber keredhaan,
Sehingga Engkau meredhai aku.
Tidak ada daya dan kekuatan hanya dengan Engkau
Someone once said that if life give you lemons, make lemonade. We just have to make the best with the bare minimum that we have I guess.
As always, la haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Don't weigh down the little things

Alert! [another stressed out entry]

Our sense of justice sometimes would cause us pain.
Our sense of right and wrong, without flexibility would hurt us like a thorn in the heart.
In the beginning the wound seems small and that we can ignore it by burying it in the far corners of our mind, hoping someday it will be erased and forgotten in time.
However, it often doesn't work that way. The thorn instead become diseased, full with pus and will poison our whole being. The only way through this is to expand your heart and be like the ocean. A drop of poison won't make a difference in the ocean but it would be deadly in a little pool of water.
I feel that in times of crisis, our sense of justice and eye for detail would be super sensitive. Little insignificant things become massive and if it doesn't go the way we want it to, then we would feel wronged and hurt. In short, we all become supersensitive. But only to our own self, absorbed in our own hurt. We instead of being aware of our surroundings, we become numb to others and wallowing in our sorrow.
Sometimes we want to be brave, and we keep it all bottled inside instead of accepting it and this often causes us to feed the volcano in us, that burn more with each feeling of injustice. One day, it will all burst and destroy everything in its wrath.
So imagine, if every single thing you let touch your heart as if people are going out of their way just to step on your feet, then your heart is not even like a pool of water, but rather like a puddle. I want to be like the ocean because I detest those who are more like puddles. This is one of the main reasons why one of my birthday resolutions is to have an open heart: lebih berjiwa besar. Little things shouldn't have a big effect on you. Why weigh down your heart and mind over little insignificant things right? Better we invest all that energy into something more useful than negativity.
In difficult and challenging times, people are tired. Everyone is trying hard to be strong, so sometimes in our frail efforts of doing it right we do it wrong without even realizing it. So careful of not messing it up in one area, we mess up other areas. Each time without intent.
I know I hurt you many times, but none was on purpose. Words vomited out in moments of impatience and temper was followed immediately by regret. Maybe it is too much to ask you to understand, because you have too much on your mind too.
Compassion is not easy to come by, and I know it is not fair of me to demand it.
A simple "sorry" just won't do.
As I said before, sometimes I don't think I am cut out for this.

Monday, January 24, 2011

You're never gonna be alone from this moment on

As contrary as what you may believe, words for me are hard to come by. Especially spoken words. I like to think I'm better at expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing but it is still not enough. An air of mystery that sometime shrouds these words are not entirely by choice.
I am now at home, I'm not feeling very well so I excused myself from the lab today. There is actually a mischievously restful feeling when you're at home while everybody else has to go to work (haha, sorry, can't help it. I know some of you will be jealous that I'm escaping the Monday Blues for today). I'm essentially giving myself a break.
There is something in my heart and mind that I can't let go of. Like a cup filled to the brim, threatening to spill over. The past three days I haven't given my thesis the attention it needs. Only today I forced myself to write. But I've always been a firm believer of preparing the soul (or in this case stabilize my psyche to focus) before commencing work.
Just a little clue of what weighs in my heart is that my Ayah is not well. He has always been strong, even during these trying times. But I am afraid if I'm going to be a failure.
A snippet of a conversation I had the other day still ring in my ear, in more or less the same words:
"Dia selalu cakap tak tau sempat ke tak..."
"Sekurang-kurangnya kena hantar 1st draf la kan?"
...only with Allah strength can I go through all this and submit my 1st draft. Then it would somehow give him hope and with hope, comes strength. Sempat, insyaAllah. Sempat.

This song Never Gonna Be Alone from Nickelback feels so close to me. And the video makes me cry. But unlike the girl inside the video, I still have Ayah. And I still have my family with me. I am jealous of my time and I feel that every moment that is either not spent with them or spent on making my thesis a reality is like a thief that I want to strike for wasting my precious moments. Those two are tied, you see. I can only go on once I put all the burden of this thesis behind me.
As always,
La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Adzim

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Lonely platform

Right now, I feel as though I am waiting on a lonely train platform. I've been here for as long as I know, but somehow when I arrived here the train was already gone. Even though I tried to run after it, I couldn't. Sometimes it seemed close, but when I try to grip it with my hands, it slipped away. Then I had to just let go.
I stopped running, then my steps slowed down to a stop. I could only stand there and stare at the moving train. With every second passing, it moved away, getting smaller and smaller then eventually it disappeared from view.
Why it didn't wait for me?
I can't move. I am stuck at this lonely platform.
I hate being alone even though I am strong enough to stand it.
But being strong is tiring.
Why did others managed to get on the train?
It is supposed to be my place! Mine!
So unfair and I despise the whole situation.
But when I think about it, I don't want to get on the train with those people. Let them go.
Maybe I'll switch my destination.
Maybe that time no one would tell me that I'm not worth it, that I have no chance at all to get on the train.
Maybe there is a reason that is beyond my comprehension.
Maybe that would make all the difference.
Maybe...just this once it would be better.
Gotta have faith!