The breaking up speech

If my car is my boyfriend, I think he's breaking up with me.

"I've been with you since 2006, I've never failed you in any way. I've taken you to places you have never been, I have never put my interest before you. You remember how I've been with you, took you to fight your battles all because you're chasing opportunities and nursing a scarred sense of dignity when all others left you alone? You remember how I let you cry in the car when the cosmos just seem to be against you in every way? And don't forget how I endured your bad karaoke-like singing everyday when you're alone in the car to work?

And all of that for what?

Ok, I admit. You took care of my batteries brilliantly. You even have a bottle of battery water handy in case you have to top it off. And thanks for the tyres, I know all four of them are shining brand new. But this was all because our past arguments have been about you not caring to look at the battery water levels and I got fed up. The tyres were also because you used the previous ones until they're bald but still I marched on until one rainy day when the tyres can't take it anymore and they died at the side of the road, a motorist wearing a raincoat signalling that I was running flat.

Oh, thank you for finally learning to change my tyres. I fell in love with you again for that.

But now other things are becoming important. I can't help demanding these things if commitment is what you want.

You have never even bothered to check my oil levels, you just left that responsibility to the one servicing me. You never knew the basics of car maintenance: apart from the batteries, you should also check the water levels in the car radiator. I know you asked but you shouldn't be so naive as to expect they teach you the whole syllabus of Car Maintenance 101!

The driver window is already broken but you found a way around it by procuring a Smart Tag, so the necessity to fix the windows are demoted to a lesser priority. My coat is also chipped and ugly everywhere. Running beside a shiny car makes me feel like I'm wearing rags. You don't know the feeling!

But now it is too late. I'm paying you back, with Blu Cantrell singing "Hit em up style" in the background. I'll probably make up with you in a week, but I hope you are not the same person that I left. You have to understand me for a change!"

And with that, Pajero left. I was at the brink of tears when I saw them opening you up, doing all sorts of things I don't understand. I felt like wailing my heart out when I heard their estimate. I think they saw it in my face, because they politely stood out of the way after that for me to call Mom. I felt ill, like vomiting when I had to describe what Pajero had done to me. Mom came, took my zombie-like self as I tried to come to terms to the chain of events that were anticipated to follow.

Pajero, forgive me.

Take me back, please?

Soul: Sold to the one who gives me light

Out-worn heart, in a time out-worn,
Come clear of the nets of wrong and right;
Laugh heart again in the gray twilight,
Sigh, heart, again in the dew of the morn.

Your mother Eire is always young,
Dew ever shining and twilight gray;
Though hope fall from you and love decay,
Burning in fires of a slanderous tongue.

Come, heart, where hill is heaped upon hill:
For there the mystical brotherhood
Of sun and moon and hollow and wood
And river and stream work out their will;

And God stands winding His lonely horn,
And time and the world are ever in flight;
And love is less kind than the gray twilight,
And hope is less dear than the dew of the morn.

~Into the twilight, William Butler Yeats (1865-1935)

I don't know if I believe in chasing dreams anymore.
I wonder, if we are not chasing them, where would they go?
Do they just go on and on, until another destiny catches them and weave the dreams into that another person's reality?
Sometimes I feel that when ambition and success becomes the sole goal of a person, it will consume you whole. There will never be enough left for any other areas of your life. Its only a tricky trade for time. You can't do both: it is either this or that.
At this point of my life, ambition and success are both dirty words to my ears.
I hate them not because of the hard work associated with them but rather I am unsure if I want to be those kind of persons I see as successful and ambitious.
I just don't think it is in me to do those kind of sacrifices that these people do on a daily basis.
Making hard choices that is opposite from the heart will make you mechanical, almost robotic.
.
.
.
And right now, I feel trapped. It's like being at a crossroad where every road is very uninviting, dark and dreary. Like being in a jail, but the difference is I don't know who holds the key and why the hell I am stuck here.
Maybe it is me who trapped myself.
I admit, I have an intense desire to do the right thing, make the right choices, take the right path. But now everything doesn't feel right.
I don't really want to do anything right now, and these games are making me sick to the core.
Have anybody heard somewhere some people say, "if you don't know how high is the price you're paying, don't pay"?
Yeah, I wish I could. So wth am I supposed to do? Give them a rain check saying, "sorry, my innards ain't feeling so well, come ask me another question, another day will ya?"
That would literally blow their pants off and spark off another trail of drama that is tiring to the soul and chafes against the will. Nobody wants that. Beware, because then maybe your wings will be clipped and you can limp your way toward nothingness and mediocrity.
All situations, all choices have 50-50 chance of either making it through or crash and burn.
If the choices you make defines who you are, then what would this reflect on you?
I believe that God will not leave us, whatever our choices may be.
But a bad destiny can be, must be changed to a good destiny.
Like living in a place that rains once a year, but once it rains, it fills up a river. A bad destiny would be you be dead waiting for the next rainfall and changing this doom to a good destiny is by using your brains to trap the water by building a dam or putting it somewhere it won't dry off in rations that would last you a year.
See the difference?
Destinies can be changed. First you have to believe in God, then do something to rectify, then leave it to God again. Tawakal never stops, even when we are in the process of trying. We enter into our efforts fully aware of our inadequacy and the might of the Almighty that surpasses all things, even destiny.
So what am I going to do? I truly don't know. I haven't the slightest idea. I can't see the light yet.
But hey, as a consolation thought is this: we somehow always end up where we are supposed to be.
Maybe this is the path that was meant for me, and maybe it isn't.
I think I'm old enough for taking my chances with fate. If I am not here, then I'll definitely be over there.
In any case, I hope everything turn out alright ;)

Holding a grudge will shorten your life

In 1878, railroad millionaire Charles Crocker decided to buy up the lots surrounding his mansion on San Francisco’s Nob Hill to improve his view of the surrounding vistas. He reached agreements with all the neighbors except for German undertaker Nicholas Yung, who refused to sell.

“I would have been happier than a condor in the sky,” Crocker wrote, “except for that crazy undertaker.”

His solution was pure spite: He built a 40-foot fence around Yung’s cottage on three sides, spoiling his view in hopes that he would sell. The fence can be seen behind the central mansion in this photo; only the chimneys of Yung’s house project above it.

“How gloomy our house became, how sad,” Yung’s daughter later wrote. “All we could see out our windows was the blank wood of the rich man’s fury. … The flowers in the garden all died, and our lawn turned brown, while inside the house everything felt perpetually damp.”

Yung held out nonetheless — according to some reports he mounted a 10-foot coffin atop the wall facing Crocker’s house — and the two maintained a senseless deadlock for years. Yung died in 1880 and Crocker in 1888; only then, when the mansion was sold to a new owner, did Yung’s heirs relent and sell their lot.

I found this on http://www.futilitycloset.com/

It is sad how foolish people with grudges become.

It is ugly that grown up people behave like angry six year olds.

So, to take heed of the lessons of this tale, we have to choose our battles and don't get worked up on things that are not really that big anyway. The clouded mind has a tendency of blowing everything out of proportion. One thing will lead to another and the toxic cycle will go on, and on and on and on until one of the proponents die.

It really ain't that big of a deal!

Patience is the key.

(Please remind me this the next time I blow my head off unnecessarily)

My state of mind through the words of others

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart

~ E.E Cummings (1894-1962)

If you are going through hell, keep going

~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882)

Sometimes it is not enough to do our best; we must do what is required

~ Sir Winston Churchill (1874-1965)

Now, here, you see, it takes all the running you can do, to stay in the same place. If you want to get somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that!

~ Lewis Carroll

She generally gave herself very good advice, (though she very seldom followed it)

~ Lewis Carroll

Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - too busy disorder.

~ Ellen DeGeneres

Write drunk; edit sober

~ Hemingway

If A equals success, then the formula is A equals X plus Y and Z, with X being work, Y play, and Z keeping your mouth shut

~ Albert Einstein

Without haste, but without rest

~ Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

I am tired. My arm aches. My head boils. My feet are cold. But I am not aware of any weakness.

~ Zane Grey

If what you have done yesterday still looks big to you, you haven't done much today

~ Mikhail Gorbachev

Develop a built-in bullshit detector

~ Ernest Hemingway

No person has the right to rain on your dreams

~ Marian Edelman

Life is like topography, Hobbes. There are summits of happiness and success, flat stretches of boring routine, and valleys of frustration and failure

~ Calvin and Hobbes

Oh, and to finish this off:

Welcome to Grad School everyone! :p

No more drama

Lyrics | Mary J Blige lyrics - No More Drama lyrics

No More Drama - Mary J. Blige

A heavy heart weighs down your mind.
The dominant emotion now is: Bored.
Bored with all the soap-opera drama.
Bored with people getting all hyped over insignificant things.
Bored with people "merajuk" and expect me to go and apologize.
Bored with people getting irrational and irate over nothing.
Bored with hypocritical people.
Bored with simple minded people.
Bored with mediocrity.
Bored with unfairness.
Bored with boring people.
.
.
.
My colour now is: blue black. Like the sores after a fight.

Why? because I think I have other important things that should have my utmost attention. My family and my PhD.
I miss my family, the precious times lost to stupid things.
I even miss my extended family and the gaths that I was unable to attend.
Know this: I carry all of you in my heart. Because it's from all of you I get my strength. Without you, I'll be what I really am: an afraid, cowardly, weak person.
and for my PhD, if you were a person I'd say, "Hold on please, let all of these drama pass first then I'll be with you again".
I want to do my work in peace!

All other things, please step aside.

p/s: Don't worry people. This blog is like a trash can. This is where I dump all the rubbish bugging my mind. I'm ok ;)