A thrown sword in battle

Lucky this blog is more or less anonymous. I've been thinking that if people who know me personally read this blog, maybe they will be concerned.
Oh well.
That serves you right, ain't it so?
To my readers (if you exist), just don't be too hasty with your stereotypes. You are wrong to put anyone in a box. I am iridescent. Nothing is absolute: change is the only constant.
So please don't interpret me based on what I write.
Interpret yourself instead, based on what you think or feel about what I write.
That is the purpose of all art: to see yourself through the looking glass of others and keep that understanding in your heart and use it as you see fit. It is like a soldier taking a sword from a fought battleground as arsenal to be used in his own impending battle. For what the sword is originally used for is irrelevant. The coming battle is all there is to it. Take it, and win your battle.

Ti the Brave Tortoise

Yesterday my friend found her missing tortoise.

It was lost since two weeks ago and yesterday it was found tired and hungry under the dining table.

The plight of the tortoise is so pathetic that I laughed so hard until there's tears in my eyes. It's like Ti, the Maha Pathetic Tortoise.

Imagine the escape plan of Ti while it discusses it with its friend Ki in the same aquarium one dark night:

"Ki, I've had it with this place. It isn't like home at all. All we get is water spinach, water spinach, water spinach."

"But, Ti. I kinda like water spinach. Better than the pellet they use to give us in the pet shop."

"Oh? Then how about this minuscule aquarium? I can't go two steps without bumping in to you."

Ki didn't say anything. Quietly like a tortoise, he inched away toward the plastic coconut tree as an effort to block out the complaints that is getting on his nerves.

Unsatisfied, Ti lashed out, "And this fake coconut tree. Are they trying to undermine our intelligence trying to make us believe that we're in Hawaii or something? At least in Hawaii they have pineapples!"

Ki just turned around without even trying to hide his boredom of this stale conversation.

"You have been complaining since the day we got here. So you don't like it here. What are you going to do? It's not like we have a choice. Just ride with it lah." 

Ti couldn't believe his camouflaged ears.

"Ki, you don't understand. I can't live like this, I am meant for better things. Since the day I broke out of the egg, I know I'm destined for great things."

Silence. 

So she continued.

"I'm breaking free tonight. I've thought about it, a lot. I have all of it planned out. You can either be in with me or you can just stay here like a stupid tortoise"

"I'm staying here and I think you should too. It's too dangerous out there. I'll be your friend, you don't have to be so lonely"

"I told you. I can't. So goodbye. If tomorrow you see I'm not here, just pray for me"

So that night as the lights are shut, Ti embarked on the adventure of a lifetime. To break free from oppression, to be free from situations that limit possibility. Out there, everything can come true.

Actually Ki didn't want to help Ti as a punishment for leaving him high and dry like that. But finally he relented. Climbing on Ki's back, Ti jumped out. Ti couldn't believe it. She figured that the surprising agility probably came from the rush of adrenaline of breaking free. 

Ha ha! Finally, the world would know the Great Ti!

To cut a long exciting story short, Ti was found under the dining table two weeks later. Probably in Ti's eyes, the vast living room with its dry carpet is like a big desert. Constantly on the move, dodging the eye of dinosaur-sized humans to not get caught. Days turned into nights. Everything reeks of danger. The outside world is nowhere in sight. Where is the lake? Where are the lush green trees? Apparition of food and water haunted Ti who persevered to reach the oasis. But the illusion always gave way to barrenness of the hostile environment.

It seems to me its a pity that she's born a tortoise. Born with an ambition that is larger than her reality. If she was born a cat or a rabbit, the two weeks period would have given it ample time to escape. As a tortoise, after two weeks she didn't even get past the dining room.

It's a shame to have all this determination to succeed, and she had even set the wheels turning only to be bogged down by the limited capacity of self.

The burning question: is it a curse to be born a tortoise but with a heart of a dragon?

The contrast is so stark, their destinies unalterable.

It may be better for the soul to not have these dangerous desires to break free from the norm. 

Who can challenge the Grand Design anyway?

Better to just be automatons, just do whatever is expected of you, with an empty shell for a mind.

Yes, may be that is best...

...If you're a tortoise named Ki.

So if you are human but want to settle for a destiny of a tortoise, that is your choice. 

That is after all, the easier route to take.

Blame all on circumstances, blame all on the Grand Design. You alone is blameless.

For me I envy Ti, at least she made a move to escape.

God have said that all people are equal. What differentiates them is their faith.

So you got to do something different! 

Einstein says that one of the hallmarks of insanity is doing the same thing again and again but expecting different results. If you're static in the mind, static in motion: there is no chance of ever getting anything different from the things you've had before.

So yes, although Ti is so glaringly pathetic at least she had some qualities to be admired.

When Ti was put back into the aquarium, I could imagine the scene:

"Hey Adventurous Ti, never thought I'd see you here. How was it?" smirked Ki.

*punch in the face*

Haha! Girl power rocks!

Light upon light

"I am constantly being asked what this or that means in my films. It’s unbearable! An artist does not have to be accountable for his intentions. I did not do any deep thinking about my work. I don’t know what my symbols mean. I only desire to induce feelings, any feelings, in viewers. People always try to find “hidden” meanings in my films. But wouldn’t it be strange to make a film while striving to hide one’s thoughts? My images do not signify anything beyond what they are… We do not know ourselves that well: sometimes we express forces which cannot be grasped by any ordinary measure."

~ Andrei Tarkovsky

I always wonder about this. I wonder how the artist shape their masterpieces to convey a meaning. Must there be a reason for everything? A reason for a dot there, a line here. Colors everywhere, black and white just sprinkled here and there. It's just that I think it would be a heavy task for a person to engineer his/her work to really represent the idea in its purest form.

Does the symbolism encompass everything?

It would be tiring to always second guess yourself, wondering if ever your interpretation is true to what the artist meant. And a satisfying answer doesn't exist. Maybe in this sense I am a generalist (a contrast to my usually detailed self). I look at a work of art as a whole; the meaning for me is formed by the symphony of all components coming together.

I don't usually regard the elements individually. The significance of an art piece, a song or a story is based on my experiences, my personal views and even my feelings at that moment. I look at it and it either speaks to me or it doesn't. It is overwhelming to analyse everything, seriously. I just can't deal with the uncertainty, I guess. Or it is just my inadequacy. I regard as sheer genius for an artist to carefully consider every layer of meaning, every possible angle of interpretation to take the observer to share a glimpse of their inspiration. The creative process is a complex maze of making sense of everything that plays in the artist's mind and heart.

It is the same with writers. The way they play their words is powerful and wonderful to behold. They could move nations to revolt, the oppressed to rise and the sad to be joyous again. Maybe it's true that the heart has many strings and these artists and writers just know how to play the right notes.

Maybe, precisely for these reasons the Quran is so lyrically majestic and that its lessons have to be done with hikmah. It has so many layers of meaning that even after hundreds of years scholars have not finished analyzing it. The Quran has to be learned from a teacher as interpretations vary between individuals. Teaching with hikmah means that even the lessons have to be tailored according to the audience: not altering the essence of meaning but rather customizing the lessons according to what could be accepted by the individual's level of thinking. This is why the demand for knowledge is of utmost importance in Islam. When our knowledge increases, what becomes clear to us is not visible to those who do not know. We slowly begin to appreciate the layers of meaning so intricately beautiful and hidden like the petals of a rose.

As stated here in the Quran, Allah guides to His light whom He wills.

Allah is the Light of the heavens and the earth. The example of His light is like a niche within which is a lamp, the lamp is within glass, the glass as if it were a pearly [white] star lit from [the oil of] a blessed olive tree, neither of the east nor of the west, whose oil would almost glow even if untouched by fire. Light upon light. Allah guides to His light whom He wills. And Allah presents examples for the people, and Allah is Knowing of all things.

An Nur (24:35)

Only with clarity provided with knowledge that the true meaning of anything could be understood. Only then could we be enlightened. Reflect on these words:

“Everyone sees the unseen in proportion to the clarity of his heart, and that depends upon how much he has polished it. Whoever has polished it more sees more - more unseen forms become manifest to him."

~Rumi

Therefore, the pressing issue now is to increase our knowledge to attain the highest pinnacle of understanding. The first step is easy and already revealed to us: Iqra'.

Of prayers and wishes

The other day after prayers my sister asked me, "what did you ask from God?"

And I told her.

Some people make their wishes a secret because they believe that if it is revealed then it won't come true.

I don't know about that. For me, the more people who know a wish, then maybe for a moment it would resound in their heads for a while. Like a temporary prayer. If the dynamics of making wishes come true works like this then my chances of success would improve when there are many people who knows it, in extension more people are also asking what I want.

Hmm..suddenly I feel like taking advantage of people, using them to make my wishes come true.

If these people know how I took advantage of them, would they suddenly refuse to hear my wishes or even charge me for it? Maybe it'll become a paid service one day: I'll pray for you if you pay me enough.

This exactly the reason why the fact that the connection between subject (you) and Allah has no barriers is so important. To have a mediator would create so many problems. How about if you're shy with your wishes? Or if words fail to convey your meaning? It is not like you can communicate with brainwaves to your mediator. So the best way is to ask directly yourself.

Another reason is that if we are to require mediators for our prayers, people like me who hope for the same set of things every minute of every day would be a bore. People don't have divine patience, this is a fact. Just try this simple test: ask repeatedly for the same thing and in a matter of minutes the retort would be, "I'm trying the best I can, can you just shut up and wait?". The aggressive ones wouldn't care, they'll continue to ask anyway, but the passive ones would back away. It is the same if you're asking for different things, if it comes from one source (you) then you'll wear on their patience. They'll avoid you for sure, "Hide! Here's the person who asks too much". And there you are, running around with something to say but no one to say it to.

Kinda sad, ea?

So I am thankful that I can say things to Allah that were meant for Him only and I know that Allah will not hide from me or move away. It is me who'll hide or run away from Him.

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During these times of unresolved issues, some one said to me, "You must listen to your heart. But you must know how to differentiate the whispers of angels from the whispers of the devil."

This is tall order for me, I think they sound the same sometimes!

The boundaries of right and wrong are blurred and the future has never been ours to know. We only have this moment, this brief second. This is actually the defining moment. So, you better make it count.

(p/s: Good luck!)

Verily, man is in loss

If you love someone, do tell.

If you miss someone, do tell.

If you wonder where is that someone who once graced the lanes of your past, do tell.

Because they would never know.

You would be surprised at how much people miss out.

You think it's obvious enough but often it is not.

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It is the same if you are hurt, do tell.

If you are sad, do tell.

If you are burdened, do tell.

Because again, people will never know.

I am thankful that there are still people that love me enough to let me know these things and ask me of these things. Even though sometimes our mistakes it is not something we want to hear, it is indeed what we need to hear.

People are never perfect all the time, we just have our shining moments sometimes.

So try to reflect everything that is said to you. Being defensive is only for guilty people.

Words like, "Biarlah!" or "Suka hati lah!" or "Sibuk je!" or "Tau dah la!" are all different versions of the incurable ego defending itself.

Of course, we know the difference between right and wrong but we are forgetful beings. So pry open your heart and be patient a little for the advises coming your way. Not all are good advises but you have to sieve through everything. That is the least you can do.

As for the people giving advise, please do not falter from the effort. InsyaAllah, it'll get through. Someday.

Just remember this:

By time,

Verily, man is in loss,

Except those who believe and do righteous deeds and exhort one another to Truth and exhort one another to patience.

~Al Asr, Quran

So if we don't be there for each other, isn't that a sure recipe for disaster?

Holding a grudge will shorten your life

In 1878, railroad millionaire Charles Crocker decided to buy up the lots surrounding his mansion on San Francisco’s Nob Hill to improve his view of the surrounding vistas. He reached agreements with all the neighbors except for German undertaker Nicholas Yung, who refused to sell.

“I would have been happier than a condor in the sky,” Crocker wrote, “except for that crazy undertaker.”

His solution was pure spite: He built a 40-foot fence around Yung’s cottage on three sides, spoiling his view in hopes that he would sell. The fence can be seen behind the central mansion in this photo; only the chimneys of Yung’s house project above it.

“How gloomy our house became, how sad,” Yung’s daughter later wrote. “All we could see out our windows was the blank wood of the rich man’s fury. … The flowers in the garden all died, and our lawn turned brown, while inside the house everything felt perpetually damp.”

Yung held out nonetheless — according to some reports he mounted a 10-foot coffin atop the wall facing Crocker’s house — and the two maintained a senseless deadlock for years. Yung died in 1880 and Crocker in 1888; only then, when the mansion was sold to a new owner, did Yung’s heirs relent and sell their lot.

I found this on http://www.futilitycloset.com/

It is sad how foolish people with grudges become.

It is ugly that grown up people behave like angry six year olds.

So, to take heed of the lessons of this tale, we have to choose our battles and don't get worked up on things that are not really that big anyway. The clouded mind has a tendency of blowing everything out of proportion. One thing will lead to another and the toxic cycle will go on, and on and on and on until one of the proponents die.

It really ain't that big of a deal!

Patience is the key.

(Please remind me this the next time I blow my head off unnecessarily)

The challenge in words

I pulled out the post before this.

I've considered the possible effects and decided that I'd rather not deal with the everlasting consequences of a sudden outburst.

Patience, as always, will always come with a price.

The price is almost always endurance and more patience.

This patience-endurance cycle will never end, until the event resolves and disappear into the wind, as if it was never there before.

As patience is almost always associated with hurt, then there is no use of remembering the hurt once it had resolved.

It'll just add to the general disarray of ourselves.

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It is fortunate that we can retract the things we write, but the effects of what we say, what we write cannot be undone. It is a permanent thing, forever etched in time and only failing memory can erode its presence.

But recent events at home and at work make me realize that sometimes when going about our daily lives and just being the generally foolish beings that we are, we tend to step on other's toes and trample on the hearts of others without knowing.

If you know the effects of what you are saying, then all of these won't apply to you because there is really no excuse for being mean and bitchy.

But it is true that sometimes we just don't realize how much we hurt with our words and actions. And these unintended blows to the heart will hurt just as bad and it doesn't subside even with the feeble acts of rationalization of the accidental attacker and the one accidentally attacked.

(remember these lines running through head? "easy, he/she doesn't mean it"or "oh no, I just hit a raw nerve. Maybe I'll just pretend I am innocent and he/she will forgive me without me actually asking for forgiveness" or "he/she don't know what he/she is talking about" or even "Oops")

Do you get me? It's kinda hard to get across.

Simply, we sometimes unknowingly hit a raw nerve with people and that causes trouble.

I think this is the reason why we have to seek forgiveness every time we part and leave amicably.

This is because even a passing comment could be interpreted a million ways. People will always over analyse and often this leads to the wrong conclusion that in turn would turn into a festering problem. To imagine the severity of the situation of this in graphic terms is to imagine the effect of a single microscopic wound on a diabetic foot. If left unattended, it'll cause gangrene and make the whole limb rot until eventually it would have to be amputated. If you're lucky that is, because if you're one of the unlucky ones then the infected sores would seep into the blood and cause septicemia that could be fatal.

It is that serious.

However, to integrate this practice of asking for forgiveness every time we want to part is odd and it would feel awkward. I tried it before and got very embarrassed. The shame became more unbearable because some people just won't let an easy apology go, they need an explanation for it.

And of course you know the pain and shame of having to explain yourself. It is like telling a joke nobody gets, you just fall flat on the face only this time it is worse because you're not defending a bad joke but rather defending yourself.

...Haih, I'm now wishing for a world where "sorry", "I love you" and all the hard phrases comes easy. Maybe we'll have fewer wars. Maybe.

Again, I wish for a world where people just understand what other people mean to say, without having to actually say it. Life, I think, would be much simpler.

But, for all that is worth my dear family and friends:

I am sorry and I love you

Each and every time, of course. Forever, insyaAllah.

(p/s: I am mildly disappointed with myself if all of you don't know this already).

Memberi alasan dan pujukan pada jiwa

Bagaimana kalau semuanya terjadi cuma dengan pengharapan?

Betapa besarnya harapan kita pada sesuatu, begitulah jua keinginan kita terhadap sesuatu.

Kalaulah semua maksud tercapai asalkan punya harapan yang kuat, dunia apakah yang akan kita dapat nanti?

Kau dan kau patut mendapatkannya semata-mata kerana kau lebih mengharapkannya. Kau pula tidak mendapatnya kerana kau kurang usaha, kau kurang harapan untuk mendapatkannya.

...

Kalau beginilah jalan dunia, yang berjaya cumalah mereka yang benar-benar berusaha untuk kejayaan itu dan bukan orang-orang opurtunis yang licik mencari peluang.

Kalau ini cara terbaik, yang tertindas akan menang dan yang berdosa akan kesusahan.

Kalau inilah cara yang sepatutnya, orang-orang yang benar-benar layak menjadi ibu bapa akan dikurniakan anak dan bukan orang-orang yang cuma akan membuang anak kandungan ditepi jalan. Atau lagi orang-orang yang bahagia dalam cinta cumalah orang-orang yang tidak akan mensia-siakan cintanya dan bukan orang-orang buta yang tak reti mensyukuri nikmat didepan mata.

...

Apa yang kita diajarkan selama ini: yang baik itu yang bahagia, yang tua itu yang dahulu atau yang berusaha itu yang akan mendapatkan...cumalah perkara-perkara yang benar dalam kehidupan utopia.

Dunia ini bukan tempat untuk mendapatkan keadilan, bukan tempat menemukan kesenangan dan pasti bukan tempat untuk menikmati kerehatan. Dinamik dunia tidak menurut ideal.

Dunia inikan secara hakikatnya adalah ujian. Semuanya nanti untuk mendapatkan keputusan kemana kau nanti di Titian Sirat.

Satu-satu dikira, tidak mungkin tertinggal. Dalam ini sahaja ditemukan keadilan kerana diputuskan Yang Maha Adil.

Bagaimana aku waktu itu? Bagaimana pula engkau? Entah.

Memang hati sakit melihat ketidakadilan berleluasa menurut timbangan insan.

Tapi boleh buat apa selain berdoa untuk diberi lebih kesabaran dan rahmat untuk menikmati apa yang didambakan?

Segalanya dalam rancanganNya. Kita memang cepat melatah, semacam Nabi Musa a.s bila diuji hikmat Nabi Khidir a.s.

Zahirnya memang tidak adil dan salah. Tapi apabila waktunya semua diterangkan maksud, bukankah keinsafan timbul kerana terlalu ikutkan kejahilan diri?

Keadilan itu pasti ada, cuma relativiti masa itu memang menggugat kesabaran.

Tidak mengapa, Allah kan ada.

Andainya memang milik kita, tiada siapa lagi yang boleh dan sanggup menidakkannya.

Sekarang cuma tinggal untuk berdoa dan letak pengharapan padaNya, agar harapan kita sama dengan apa yang menjadi rezeki kita pada akhirnya.

InsyaAllah

Gentle reminder to those who forget

A reminder for self:

~ Gratitude comes hand in hand with patience. One cannot do without the other. As you are grateful for what you have, you also have to be patient for what you don't have.

~ Memories won't make themselves. You have to make it a point to create them day by day.

~ Over-analysis would lead you to the wrong conclusions. Voice out and resolve whatever is burning in your heart.

~ Love responsibly and be brave. Weakness will make you lose it.

~ Let go of the little things. Move on.

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I hope to remember these most of the time, although I know it's beyond me to remember it all of the time...

Love responsibly

There are different wells within your heart.

Some fill with each good rain,

Others are far too deep for that.

In one well

You have just a few precious cups of water,

That “love” is literally something of yourself,

It can grow as slow as a diamond

If it is lost.

Your love

Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,

Only to someone

Who has the valor and daring

To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife

Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.

~Hafez, a persian poet

I stumbled on this at Paulo Coelho's blog.

It's an old poem I guess, from a poet long gone.

Funny how the questions of the heart never gets answered even after human's centuries of searching. This is why the poem still resonates with me now. The core problems of the world like love, greed, fairness: has never been resolved.

But let's leave that at that.

About the poem, it's certainly a good and sound advice for those on the trying journey in search of meaning and love. Love should be a responsible thing I think.

We should consider those whom we give our hearts, never give it out recklessly. You'll regret it if you don't treat your heart responsibly, because you'll never get that piece back. What's already been given cannot be taken back, it could only be replaced with another piece. Like a memory, it is fixed and not interchangeable with circumstances.

What is, is.

The situation is not unlike the honeybee: it dies after it stings, did you know that? So that honeybee should seriously consider what it chooses to sting, or it's death would be for nothing. That is sad, because the sacrifice is too great to be spent on mediocre things.

So what I am trying to say to you and remind myself is: consider carefully those whom you open and give your heart. Take responsibility for your own heart and embrace the consequences.

Lemonade life

He had noticed that events were cowards: they didn't occur singly, but instead they would run in packs and leap out at him all at once ~Neil Gaiman

Since I've made my two resolutions for my birthday (1. to be more grateful and patient 2. to be more open hearted), it seems like the whole world has ganged up on me to solely make me fail.

So many things, until the insignificance of me, how helpless I am in the chain of events that unfold become so clear to me. Feeling small in a big bad world.

But it doesn't matter. I tell myself that each and every time a thought or event that threaten the heart comes. Love, Life, Career..everything. But at least the future holds promise, of what I don't know. I just have this unending hope that it will all be better. It is just something we all have to wade through, right? The tribulations of life is what you signed up for when you agreed to this existence. You are your choices, you are your dreams: all these motto sometimes don't make sense and sometimes they make perfect sense. A paradox of sorts.

But you can't say you haven't been warned:

Or do ye think that ye shall enter the Garden (of bliss) without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? they encountered suffering and adversity, and were so shaken in spirit that even the Messenger and those of faith who were with him cried: "When (will come) the help of Allah." Ah! Verily, the help of Allah is (always) near

Adakah patut kamu menyangka bahawa kamu akan masuk syurga, padahal belum sampai kepada kamu (ujian dan cubaan) seperti yang telah berlaku kepada orang-orang yang terdahulu daripada kamu? Mereka telah ditimpa kepapaan (kemusnahan harta benda) dan serangan penyakit, serta digoncangkan (oleh ancaman bahaya musuh), sehingga berkatalah Rasul dan orang-orang yang beriman yang ada besertanya: "Bilakah (datangnya) pertolongan Allah?" Ketahuilah, sesungguhnya pertolongan Allah itu dekat (asalkan kamu bersabar dan berpegang teguh kepada agama Allah)

~al-Baqarah, 214

And another thing to slowly bring us to acceptance and the desire to face everything head on:

Ya Allah,

saya mengadukan kepada-Mu lemahnya kekuatan diriku,

sangat terbatasnya kecerdasanku dan kehinaan diriku atas manusia,

dengan rahmat Engkau, Ya Allah,

Tuhan pemelihara sekalian alam.

Engkaulah pemelihara sekalian orang-orang dhaif,

Engkaulah Tuhanku.

Kepada siapakah Engkau menyerahkan aku?

Kepada orang asing yang mengusir aku,

Atau kepada musuh yang menguasai urusanku?

Tetapi meskipun demikian saya redha,

Asal saja Engkau tidak memurkai aku.

Kemaafan-Mu lebih besar dari dosaku,

Saya meminta dengan Nur Zat-Mu yang menerangi semua kegelapan,

Dan dengan-Nya menjadi baik segala urusan dunia dan akhirat,

Semoga aku tidak tertimpa kemurkaan-Mu dan azab-Mu.

Bagimu sumber keredhaan,

Sehingga Engkau meredhai aku.

Tidak ada daya dan kekuatan hanya dengan Engkau

Someone once said that if life give you lemons, make lemonade. We just have to make the best with the bare minimum that we have I guess.

As always, la haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil adzim

Refrain from the guessing game

I notice nowadays my heart feels like jelly again.

And I also notice that emotions sometimes have a physical effect. Like when you're angry, the anger wells up like a burning fire in your heart. Or like when you're sad and the throat constricts so much that it is difficult to breathe and speak.

Words too have the same effect.

Like hearing a bad news, the persons affected shoulder's involuntarily slump and the back bent as if bearing a great burden. They are only carrying their hearts you know, in sadness it becomes too heavy that the body cannot take it. Or when you're sparring with the ones around you, the words cut like a knife. Suddenly the atmosphere that was heated before becomes an icy silence. And all you wish for is to go to another place where you're free of all these things that tie you down.

But it is not only for the sad emotions, the happy ones have physical effects too.

Like when you're silently happy and content your face will glow and the cheeks become rosy. Or when you're ecstatic the hearts feels like its gonna leap out and tell the world why it is so happy about.

It's all part of your body language I suppose. The body can never lie. As the eye is the window to your soul, the rest of your body is also testament to your true intentions, your true emotions.

No wonder when we are judged in the hereafter, the mouth is kept shut. There is really no need for its lame reasons and rationalizations as the rest of our being would be a far honest witness with no underlying agenda.

However, keep this truth just as a reminder. Not as an ammo for judging people. You could never decipher the signs and decode the message of their intentions as we are weak and have no knowledge of the soul of others. Believe me, all the guesswork will just make you bitter. You're better off asking them the answers to your whys. Miscommunication is almost always the cause of our wars anyway.

Everything is clear in the morning light

Today I'm wearing bright colors, and with a hot pink sweater to top it all off.

This morning I made the decision to go on a picnic by myself because the sky is too beautiful not to bask in its glory. You can see for yourself in the pic up there. Brilliant right? God is after all the greatest artist.

So I brought a mcD breakfast with hot tea and sat on a bench in front of the faculty. So there I was, enjoying my breakfast while observing commuters rushing by, eager to go to work (at least that is what I hope). The Puncak Alam campus is really beautiful, especially in the mornings. Its like going on a vacation to Cameron Highlands or someplace like that where the only time it is interesting there is when the rays of the sun breaks through the cold clouds to shine forth in defiance of the gloom carried by the clouds.

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I'm not particularly happy inside, in fact I feel I'm stressed out with the drama all around me.

So as a kind of defense mechanism that holds logic only to me, I'm surrounding myself with happy things a refusal to get sucked into the abyss of depression.

So is this all working?

I suppose so.

In the end, la haula wala quwwata illa billah ;)

Futile angst

It's 4.14 am now. I've just finished making the outline for my progress report scheduled this Wednesday. I really need to brush up my Matrix-style bullet dodging skills as I anticipate that it's going to be a tough presentation.

The "weather" has not been very good these days you know. Nevertheless, this is a lame excuse to be discouraged. Let em soak in their blue world alone, no need to get sucked in it too. I have work to do.

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However, 2011 opened with celebration :)

I went with my cousins, my sis and her husband to PD for a beach holiday. It was God-sent, because only He knows how much I needed the break. It shed light on different perspectives of thought. Remember the last time I told you that there's something in my mind? Now I am convinced that it was really just me needing strength for conviction that decisions are mine but fate is divine.

That is why I love the sea so much. Maybe it is something in the soft breeze, brave waters and wide horizons that makes everything so different.

Ok, enough about me.

I stumbled on this interesting article> Angry at God? If so you are not alone

What do you think?

Particularly, this paragraph:

Some people see God as ultimately responsible for such events, and they become angry when they see God's intentions as cruel or uncaring. They might think that God abandoned, betrayed, or mistreated them

Interesting.

God is such a convenient outlet for some people. No one to blame, so blame it on God. Somehow, the self is released from any responsibility of life and whatever happens is of course, God's fault.

Such simplistic thinking.

Let's go through this step by careful step.

Firstly, establish the fact that Allah is the All-Encompassing. He is the Provider for everything, from Him all things come and to Him everything returns. Nothing is ever ours, even your soul is on loan. If it is yours, then you'll have some degree of command over it like controlling when you live or die. But of course you don't.

Secondly, that Allah will do whatever He wants. If He wants it to be a certain way, there is nothing that can change or stop it. If it is meant that you are to have something there is no one that can make it otherwise and vice versa.

Ok, tell me, is that enough?

So, if we just stop there is the definition of who Allah is to us, then surely there is truly no one is to blame except Allah. You have nothing, nothing you do is ever independent from the will of Allah. So how can you ever be held responsible for anything? It was never your will or intention to be what you are. Shoving the responsibility to live aside and all the burden of the impact of your choices placed on another, one has to wonder why are we created at all if just to be empty puppets in a grand comedy show?

No wonder you feel angry at God for dealing you such a lousy card in this game of life. You feel that because Allah has the power over all things, He is deliberately holding back from giving you what you feel you deserve. In your mind, you have done everything and there is absolutely no reason, except that God hates you, that you can't have your way.

Easy losing focus on life that way. No purpose or reason left if whatever we try in this lifetime is controlled by a mean higher power.

However, having faith is not to drive you out from a life of purpose. Being religious is not based on blind faith or just steadfastly holding on the positive side of religious life, we are not wired to function that way.

There must be more to this. That can't be all. This existence can't all be a joke, right?

Another crucial aspect that we have to remember is that Allah does everything with hikmah, with wisdom.

[And] who created seven heavens in layers. You do not see in the creation of the Most Merciful any inconsistency. So return [your] vision [to the sky]; do you see any breaks? 67:3

Everything has its turn, its orbit where it moves so that nothing ever clashes into the other. A change something will drive an adjustment from something else. An event is never solitary, it always occur in chains of reasons so intricate that our minds can't begin to comprehend even the most simple of associations. A cascade of events that fall from a defining moment or any moment for that matter will never be in vain or happened "just-because".

Allah does not rule like the iron fist of dictatorship where everything is set in stone and unyielding to those who need mercy. Everything has its sequence, remember? And we can always ask from Him for our heart's desire. It is just that you have to remember that Allah owes you nothing. It is you who are indebted, so aren't you ashamed demanding more from whom you owe so much?

It is a blessing that Allah is not like us humans. We tire of people who are always begging for things, hates people who are ungrateful and detest neediness. But we are his weak subjects and He wants us to ask from Him. He is, after all, the Most Compassionate and the Most Merciful.

So cease being angry. It gets you nowhere worthwhile. You're better off being close to Him to get you through whatever you are going through.

That is, after all, the only way.

The torment of want

Pity me that the heart is slow to learn,

What the swift mind beholds at every turn

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Haven't you come across a time when you wish that you can have control over what your heart wants? It frustrates me when the heart goes by itself, wanting many thing that it wasn't supposed to want in the first place. And of course the head goes haywire; trying all sorts of sound reasoning to convince the heart to budge, shouting through the deafening silence in the mind "Hey, you're not supposed to want that! It is wrong/somebody else's/impossible."

But the heart never listens.

So the cycle goes on: the heart never stops wanting and the mind never stops analyzing.

And the body continues to endure. Taking blow by blow, until it numbs. Indifferent to the opposite tugging of the heart and the pull of the mind.

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As I always say: we should never ask for things that people cannot give. So what I resort to is to ask from a higher source; one that could provide me with everything that I can possibly ask for.

Often words are inadequate, but that don't matter. He is after all, the All Knowing. Resolution for both the heart and mind will be revealed in time, either now or whenever it is right to finally have it. Or to have something else in its place. I don't know. It is weird how faith works.

But for now it is enough to know that we could draw strength from this helplessness by surrendering everything and taking each step of the way with care, whispering silent prayers within our hearts and minds. Believing wholeheartedly that the answers are somewhere up ahead. Somehow, we will arrive there eventually.

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Azim

Intelligent guesswork search for the truth

He who joyfully marches to music in rank and file has already earned my contempt. He has been given a large brain by mistake, since for him the spinal cord would suffice

~Albert Einstein

Have you ever noticed that any one rule or statement is never true all the time?

Everything always have some kind of disclaimer or 'special circumstances' that permit it to be overruled. Truth and righteousness, it seem to me to never stay at one place. Doing the right thing is such a dynamic thing to do that it is no wonder that it is not so universally appealing: it takes too much of the brain's capacity to weigh out the options and to be honest enough to really understand opposing views.

A step back to look at a situation as a whole takes a lot of courage and real effort to not be trapped by stereotype thinking. Our world view now is shaped much by what we hear in the news, what we read in the internet, what we see in front of our eyes. A dangerous shortcut would be to sum all this up and to reach our own conclusion without reserving some reasonable doubt upon our own perceived truths and be flexible if mounting evidence point to an alternate direction. Get it? Ok, cutting out all the fancy wordplay all I want to convey is for us to be open and flexible when approaching all things because your truth may not be the ONLY truth.

It is sad that the burning of sacred texts like the Quran and Bible by are being used as a weapon to blackmail people of faith into submission. Plus, they are rationalizing their idiotic acts by saying that they are entitled to do so due to the freedom of expression bestowed on them as free citizens. And what about the resistance toward the Islamic center at Ground Zero? Why does the mob act as they do? Two groups battling it out to the end, based on what? Is the blame put in the right place? Has it ever been verified? Why can't they differentiate between the belief and the believer? Why are they fighting in a cowardly way by not trying to understand, but by condemning instead? And why, oh why is one group's hurt bigger and mean more than another's hurt?

Another thing is the authorities who are supposed to nip this in the bud: Why are all hands tied because of the upholding of this single person's idiotic wants or a small minority of radicals? Why are we buying into their twisted rationalization? Why is still so called "freedom of speech" is guarded so viciously even as it tramples on a thousand other rights like the right to practice one's belief and the right to be safe and have peace? Maybe it is just me but why is the individual put before the whole population? Ultimately, why are these people again refusing to think?

So frustrating!

Sometimes, I wish all the world have an ISA-like regulation that is used with wisdom and care.

A degree of flexibility is a necessity if there is a conscious desire to be true and right. If you only hold a set of unyielding principles and be dogmatic about upholding them you'll just be another number to add to the blind fanatic statistic. Give it some thought, change positions to see things in a different light. Understanding something doesn't mean you agree with them. Siding with the truth doesn't make you a fool. Search for the truth! Strive to do right!

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Haih...the world is so full with injustice. My lectures here will not get me anywhere. There will never be worldwide peace, someday we will all kill each other or pollute everything and kill ourselves. What a sad waste of potential greatness.

And because of the truth that never sits at one place, I hope I am making the right choices. I hope we are electing the right leaders. I hope our leaders make the right choices and I hope they care enough to care whether they are making the right choices. Making choices is a very big and serious thing you know. I think this is the reason why we must pray for guidance from Allah: only He knows what and where the truth is. We can only guess.

Once the fairy dust have gone, will our wings fall off?

Faith is a funny thing.

It is never there at the beginning, but it stays with you right up to the end.

I believe everything and anything is part of a fuzzy logic system that is both highly dynamic and fixed and the same time. That is what i understand of qada' and qadar anyway.

So, if you ask me about love. I really do believe in it, but maybe not in the way that you do. I am not worried, even if sometimes the skies do look grayer than usual.

I am not into rushing things that should be slowed down or into slowing down things that can be rushed. I am all for going through the day the very best that I can and be thankful for anything and everything that comes in my way.

Just because I believe that as long as the sky hasn't fallen on me yet, then there is still a life to be lived and experiences to go through.

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So someone posted this on Facebook

Oh, rupa-rupanya Allah pasangkan kita dgn pasangan kita untuk kita saling merintih kepada Allah dalam menghadapi kerenah masing-masing. Allah menguji kita melalui dia, Allah menguji dia melalui kita. Inilah yg kita belajar daripada cinta dan sabar dalam rumah tangga Nabi Ibrahim dan isterinya Siti Hajar. Sesungguhnya cinta mereka bukan cinta biasa

~from column Soal Cinta by Pahrol Mohd Juoi,Solusi isu no.18

After reading this, I thought: why the rush? Getting married is never the end of anything. It is always the beginning of everything else. Because of this reality it is absolutely mandatory to think things through and make decisions that is both at ease with your heart and mind. I am never comfortable whenever those two are at war: I can't tell which one is the right path. So to avoid more soul conflict it is best to find a common ground where the heart and mind are at peace.

So to hell with all outside pressure, or any factors that can force you into choices that are not your own. It really doesn't matter if they tell you that you are making a grand mistake because that guy is a hotshot imam with a RM10,000 monthly salary, is insanely handsome and totally into you (wow, does this guy even exist?). If there is no connection then there will be no connection. If you think he is stupid, then there is no way you can truly respect him as a husband or as a person to turn to, right? Truth is, other people's criteria are useless to you. You got to be of the same wavelength or there will be no coherent communication. That is just like playing a foreign word game: you know you're playing to lose.

If we take the above quote as a guideline, where is the logic in choosing a test that you despise and will fail time and again? Love to me is hard work because once the fairy dust has gone off, real world sets in and you're on your own baby.

Your husband/wife is both a blessing and a test. In fact, EVERYTHING is a blessing and a test. So what I am saying is: choose wisely and take your time. And of course pray and have faith.

As Stacie Orrico so aptly sang: there's gotta be more to life ;)

Imperfect fate: All our fault?

Anything that happens, happens.

Anything that, in happening, causes something else to happen, causes something else to happen.

Anything that, in happening, happens again, happens again.

It doesn't necessarily happen in chronological order, though.

~Douglas Adams

Let me put this reality out there first: we are imperfect beings.

Human, man, insan, manusia - all their definitions have caveats against the inherent imperfection of us.

So it is perfectly reasonable to think that as imperfect beings we make imperfect decisions, right?

This reality is compounded by the fact that when making split second decisions or long deliberated choices we often don't get the full picture. We don't get to know all the pieces of the puzzle. We don't have all the details of things that can have an effect on the decision or the ripples of event that would happen with the choices we make.

In a scientific system, this can't be accepted. There are too many variables. To manage these volatile factor, science would take into account the assumptions that have to be made and to manage the variability using the ever-powerful tool: statistics.

But we don't get to play these tools in real life, don't we?

Life happens in real-time.

However, the level of our performance in this life is measured by the choices we make, by the paths we set ourselves into. We might even be tempted to think that we are sorely disadvantaged and under-equipped to tackle this daunting task of sticking to your guns and winning the war.

In my head, the noise my thoughts make are deafening. Even outwardly I feel like having a fever, both my mental and physical faculties committed to process, weigh and predict the possible outcomes of each route.

This drives me crazy!

But the realization that we are imperfect beings gives me a kind of consolation. I feel somehow, ok. The decisions and deliberations become hard only when we feel destiny is ultimately ours to shape. That we ourselves control whether we make it or brake it. Whether it turns to gold or to dust. Whether it stands or it crumbles.

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I beg to differ.

I find it hard to believe that destiny is only tied to an individual's act, and the intersections in life that we didn't choose is a lost chance. Those damn 'what-ifs' again.

How could fate be so frail? Why does destiny have to be so fuzzy and undetermined that a single wrong turn by us takes us to doom so easily?

Like love for example. Is it so easy to miss out on true love because we are not yet the person they should have fallen in love with? We are continuously improving ourselves, but in the process while we are being less than who we can be, if we happen to stumble upon love, will it not work out?

Another example is when given options on what to commit yourself into, your life's work. We won't know what is right. So if we commit now, will we get the chance to turn the car around and steer away?

Quite frustrating, if you ask me. So I make my mind to not believe all this. How can we miss out on so much by making imperfect choices? We will never know the right words, we will never know the right timing, we will never know whether that is the right path to take. All we have is now. Face it, we have to make do with the bare minimum. But I think it is harder if we take it all on our shoulders and go lone ranger in life. I think that fate is stronger than we think. There are movable things and unmovable things: all part of qada' and qadar. If it is meant to be, then surely it will come to be. What makes a decision right has no clear definition, as the decision itself is a journey toward our ultimate self. I just take comfort in placing my trust in the Almighty and know that as long as I keep trying to walk the path that is set for me the best way that I possibly can by harnessing all the resources at my disposal (like mom and dad, family, friends, teachers, books, google, random strangers with wisdom they're willing to share, etc. Who would've thought there'd be that many? haha) then I needn't to be burdened too much by the singular responsibility of being me.

The only thing to do now is to have a clean heart, a clear conscience, strong faith and keep on walking. Don't worry too much, what is yours will be right up ahead or it will catch up with you someday ;)

Melancholy

I sent my sis to tuition just now. Then as I pulled up in front of my house, this song came out from the radio. It's a sweet melancholy song, one that can bring a cloud over your heart and blast you off to forgotten places in your memories.

Can it be possible that memories re-create themselves with every remembrance? Somehow it embellishes it, covering up the reality that brought you to make the decisions you did.

Memories can also be in the form of illusion. A dream that was faded awhile to the background while you're chasing other worldly things. It doesn't make it seem less real to me. Illusions can hurt too. Sometimes even more so.

This may or may not be a part of my future or past, but still this song tugs the strings of my heart. As always, time will bring revelation even if it doesn't guarantee salvation.

Thinking too far outside the box?

I wish people can communicate using brainwaves or chemical cues. I think that would ease the burden of choosing the right words and the appropriate body language. And along with that is an innate capacity for tolerance and acceptance.

Would that be better?

No more misheard words.

No more mistaken intentions.

No more misplaced actions and emotions.

Everything moves in rhythm, in its own orbit and never colliding with the fate of another.

Meaning that what is meant to be, just happens simply. No more endless waiting for something that we are not sure will come.

A blissful place.

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However, the randomness of my thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that that kind of life is kinda mechanical and too factory-like.

If everything goes according to our Utopian dreams, who will go to the heights of paradise, or fill the depths of hell or just wait out in purgatory until the balance tips toward whatever you deserved?

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But,

I still think that communicating with brainwaves may just be the next best thing. It may sound insane now but it has been cloaked throughout time under an alias: the subconscious. I sometimes believe it when they say that whenever you remember someone, they remember you too.

It's like dialing a person's number. Sometimes they answer, sometimes they missed it or maybe sometimes, they just hang up.

But hey, at least they know you called. Or they think you did.

The mystery would be the only saving grace. The ambiguity of it all is open to interpretation and of course, open to chance ;)