Tak apa lah

Rasa macam akan ditolak lagi. 

Atas alasan yang bukan dalam kemampuanku untuk mengubahnya. 

Banyak kali begini. 

Sesuatu mati tanpa sempat diberi nafas. 

Memanglah ada hikmah. 

Tapi... 

Hujung jari-jariku bagai tidak terasa lagi. 

Fikiran penuh dan kosong pada masa yang sama. 

Hati terasa lohong dan beku. 

Kaku. 

Hela nafas pendek-pendek.

Kecewa kepada diri dan hati: mengapa terlalu berharap.

.

.

.

Hmm 

Ok. 

Kalaupun harapan tidak salah, boleh tak jangan sedih sangat? 

Entahlah. Seberapa banyak "tidak" lagi? 

Harapan untuk berkeluarga, berkasih sayang... Itu fitrah yang masih tidak dapat aku diamkan. Sebenarnya risau juga jika aku berjaya diamkan, adakah hati telah bertukar menjadi batu. 

Mahu rela saja dengan jalan takdir ini, tapi tiada jalan lain...ini semua perlu dilalui demi merealisasikan impi, memenuhi harapan dan keinginan. 

Lalu untuk kesekian kalinya, "Tak apa lah" lalu meneruskan langkah. 

Kalau sudah Allah tentukan tiada, tidak jadi, malah terbakar menyala-nyala: Apa yang perlu dibuat olehku yang sudah dihujung harap, dihujung usaha? 

Aku percaya Allah Maha Baik, dan aku sebenarnya tidak risau. 

Cuma sedih saja. Dan letih. Serta bosan. 

"Tak apa lah" dan aku serahkan padaMu. Hidup mesti diteruskan. 

Aku sebenarnya tiada pilihan. 

Lampias keinginan

Sudah resmi burung,
Dilihatnya langit,
Mahu dicapainya,
Mahu dipeluk lembut awannya,
Mahu dibelai sepoi anginnya..

Namun takdirnya dia burung yang tak dapat terbang,
Sayapnya belum diberi kekuatan,
Belum diizin Tuhan menyelusuri alam,
Menggapai isi kayangan.

Atau mungkin takdirnya hanya menyokong teman,
Yang jauh terbang didada langit,
Menyorak, menghargai, mendoakan
Agar yang lain itu baik-baik saja disana
Walau makna doanya yang dibisiknya itupun
Hakikatnya dia belum mengerti
Kerana belum mengalami.

Memaksa hati memahami
Adalah ujiannya sekian lama.
Mengikis kesabaran yang sedikit,
Lalu dipalit kebosanan demi kebosanan.

Mahu dijeritnya saja,
"Pergi kau jauh!
Kenapa terbang disini?
Apa yang kau dapat dengan mengagahku terbang?"

Tapi temannya jauh dilangit,
Tak tercapai suaranya ke mereka,
Malah,
Kata-kata itu tak pernah lepas dari kerongkong,
Luahan perasaan itu cuma senyuman sekilas,
Yang datang dengan hirisan halus dilubuk hati.

Tertunduk saja akhirnya,
Memikirkan mungkin namanya perlu diganti,
Kerana dia
Bukan seperti yang lain.

Let go and let God.

In truth, 
I am bedazzled by your smile.
Every time I remember it, a pang of disbelief floods my heart: how on earth that your smile is more stunning than mine?

How can I not thought of it that way?  
It is arresting and honest with all kinds of beautiful.
Brightening my days and shining my nights.

Maybe it was meaningful because it was fleeting,
With me one moment and gone the next.

Maybe it was magical because it was futile,
Never to be mine unless with a strange twist of fate.

Maybe it was unreal because the memory polished,
Becoming much more dreamy with every remembrance.

This vision of the past,
heavy with hopes of a future,
Intricated with the complexity of this earthly life.

I was, am grateful for the heaviness of this longing.
A sneak peek of what it would be like to just step into heaven.

For I know that to be worthy of a second chance with you in the afterlife,
An absolute surrender to Allah swt is the only way.
While fighting for that chance,
I will brave anything and everything.

In the end we'll see: am I worthy to drown in your smile again?

Oh dear, my heart

Oh dear,  my heart:
Just hold on a little longer.
I don't think he sees you,
All lit up with the familiar rush of a crush,
A pitiful beautiful mess.
I'd shield you from what I know is coming,
But what good would that do to you?
You need to remember the lesson of waiting,
Because patience is expensive for those who don't know the price,
And justice is lost on those served with it.
Oh dear heart.
You break me when you wait on an answer
From someone oblivious they've been asked. 
Or a more heartwrenching reality; they chose to be blind to your sight and deaf to your call;
Their soul unwilling to destroy another but unwittingly obliterated it in chosen ignorance.

Price for waiting

The line is long. So long that I couldn't even make out whether the touch n go counter at the toll gate is closed or open. Sometimes if the timing isn't right, or the traffic so heavy they'll close the counter so that cars could move faster using the electronic toll booths. People lining up to top up their touch n go cards would just clog up the traffic you see.
I moved my car in line, trying my best to squint the sign "Open" at the counter. I couldn't see it. Furthermore the rays of the sun was shining brilliantly, marring my sight even more. Glancing at the clock, I guess I could spare some time before I'm late. So I waited. It was a long wait and we were just inching towards the counter. I sang along to songs, played with my phone a bit but the wait was long.
Suddenly from the corner of my eye, I saw some cars cutting through the line and it was infuriating. How can someone just cut the line like that when everyone else is enduring the long wait? Why do they think their time is worth more than others? I tried positive thinking,  like maybe they're in a life/death emergency or someone is in labour in their car. But when I see that nothing of that sort is happening,  I got pissed again.
Patience,  patience. I breathed in and out several times but couldn't help but wish that their affairs of the day won't turn out good (oh my God, that is not good! But hey, I'm just human).
I am now officially late. I should've made it but didn't. Already I felt a grey cloud looming in my horizon although it's a sun shiny day outside. Drats.
It doesn't help my situation that I keep getting all these notifications on social networks about how happy and perfect and beautiful everyone else is. Whereas I'm stuck. My oh my. It's a challenge just to keep my zen because I'm not even sure if the touch n go counter is open! It would be a waste if I arrive finally to the counter just to discover that it's closed. Yes, I could've changed lanes but it's now past that already. There are orange cones lined up along all lanes to stop cars from changing lanes. Oh no...
You know what? This is exactly what I do not want to have in life, love or anything. I don't want to wait in line for something I potentially won't get. Yes I know, dealing with all these ifs and greys are never going to help. But I would appreciate it if I know if there is a real chance in something. Now it's especially hard to deal with love. It is both the thing that I want most and dread most in life. Maybe that is the price of hope. It's terrifying to realise I really like someone but don't know if he's on the same page. Everytime I speak it sounds like a squeak. Everything I say seem stupid. All I do seem clumsy and off the mark. It really is an inconvenience. For once, I'd like to know the counter is open or not. Is it worth the risk of falling? :(

Careless heart in a game to lose

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

~Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

I don't like this feeling of being weak. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for wanting something so unattainable.

You don't even know I exist, I know. I've been spending my days and nights playing with schemes to "accidentally" make myself known, or for you to magically say "hi" to me.

Crazy. And childish.

Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself.

But I never cease to question myself, "why you?"

No one can answer that.

You just popped into my mind one day and decide to stay in my heart.

I wish I can purge you out.

The heart never learns as it plays by its own rules.

I wish it wasn't so.

No one can know, because it'd be embarrassing.

And because I can't have you, I resolve to keep on moving, to keep on running.

Maybe I'll busy myself so that there is no chance to think about you. Bury myself in search of earthly transient fulfillment in my budding career or anywhere that I'm sure you are not there.

Because I just can't accept that I let the heart to be so loose that it could be broken by just anyone. This is absolutely unacceptable.

It's like you're holding a tiny glass diamond everywhere you go. But without you realizing it, this particular glass diamond has the tendency to fall off your grip at the most inopportune time, mostly without you realizing it. Then somebody from out of nowhere, walking by in a rush, accidentally trampled on it and broke it to pieces. So you're left with a broken ornament. There is no one to demand repair, because they did not realize it. Furthermore, they are long gone now. So nothing left to do but to pick it up, patch it all up again or get a new one and resolve to never it let it drop again so carelessly. Because it is so costly to replace or repair, you better not let it drop again.

...

So what now?

Nothing.

Because the things in your heart, while its still in your heart, it is still valuable and safe. But once you let it out, then things are not yours to control anymore. Remember this quote,

" Love is like a game of cards, if they know what cards you're playing then they control how the game would end"

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'Azim

I wonder where are you

Oh you yellow leaves

that whirl upon the autumn slopes

if only for a moment

do not whirl down in such confusion,

that i may see where my beloved dwells.

~Kakinomoto no Hitomaro ( 8th century)

Beautiful poem. Nothing more, nothing less.

All these questioning and taking fate to task makes me afraid I'll slip.

I'll fall into the unforgivable sin of not being grateful to Allah.

Why this, why that.

All are dangerous questions.

.

.

.

The world keep revolving, going with such fast pace that sometimes it becomes a blur that surrounds me. Everything falls with such confusion that it becomes hard to focus.

Sometimes it is overwhelming.

One way is to expand your heart to receive all the sorrows, all the happiness, all the challenges that come your way. And be kind. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat up yourself too much: negative motivation is poison, not a cure.

Just do everything that you can do. Beyond that, leave it to Him.

Patience and being grateful is such a hard thing to do.

Trust me, I know.

The challenge in words

I pulled out the post before this.

I've considered the possible effects and decided that I'd rather not deal with the everlasting consequences of a sudden outburst.

Patience, as always, will always come with a price.

The price is almost always endurance and more patience.

This patience-endurance cycle will never end, until the event resolves and disappear into the wind, as if it was never there before.

As patience is almost always associated with hurt, then there is no use of remembering the hurt once it had resolved.

It'll just add to the general disarray of ourselves.

.

.

.

It is fortunate that we can retract the things we write, but the effects of what we say, what we write cannot be undone. It is a permanent thing, forever etched in time and only failing memory can erode its presence.

But recent events at home and at work make me realize that sometimes when going about our daily lives and just being the generally foolish beings that we are, we tend to step on other's toes and trample on the hearts of others without knowing.

If you know the effects of what you are saying, then all of these won't apply to you because there is really no excuse for being mean and bitchy.

But it is true that sometimes we just don't realize how much we hurt with our words and actions. And these unintended blows to the heart will hurt just as bad and it doesn't subside even with the feeble acts of rationalization of the accidental attacker and the one accidentally attacked.

(remember these lines running through head? "easy, he/she doesn't mean it"or "oh no, I just hit a raw nerve. Maybe I'll just pretend I am innocent and he/she will forgive me without me actually asking for forgiveness" or "he/she don't know what he/she is talking about" or even "Oops")

Do you get me? It's kinda hard to get across.

Simply, we sometimes unknowingly hit a raw nerve with people and that causes trouble.

I think this is the reason why we have to seek forgiveness every time we part and leave amicably.

This is because even a passing comment could be interpreted a million ways. People will always over analyse and often this leads to the wrong conclusion that in turn would turn into a festering problem. To imagine the severity of the situation of this in graphic terms is to imagine the effect of a single microscopic wound on a diabetic foot. If left unattended, it'll cause gangrene and make the whole limb rot until eventually it would have to be amputated. If you're lucky that is, because if you're one of the unlucky ones then the infected sores would seep into the blood and cause septicemia that could be fatal.

It is that serious.

However, to integrate this practice of asking for forgiveness every time we want to part is odd and it would feel awkward. I tried it before and got very embarrassed. The shame became more unbearable because some people just won't let an easy apology go, they need an explanation for it.

And of course you know the pain and shame of having to explain yourself. It is like telling a joke nobody gets, you just fall flat on the face only this time it is worse because you're not defending a bad joke but rather defending yourself.

...Haih, I'm now wishing for a world where "sorry", "I love you" and all the hard phrases comes easy. Maybe we'll have fewer wars. Maybe.

Again, I wish for a world where people just understand what other people mean to say, without having to actually say it. Life, I think, would be much simpler.

But, for all that is worth my dear family and friends:

I am sorry and I love you

Each and every time, of course. Forever, insyaAllah.

(p/s: I am mildly disappointed with myself if all of you don't know this already).

Love responsibly

There are different wells within your heart.

Some fill with each good rain,

Others are far too deep for that.

In one well

You have just a few precious cups of water,

That “love” is literally something of yourself,

It can grow as slow as a diamond

If it is lost.

Your love

Should never be offered to the mouth of a stranger,

Only to someone

Who has the valor and daring

To cut pieces of their soul off with a knife

Then weave them into a blanket to protect you.

~Hafez, a persian poet

I stumbled on this at Paulo Coelho's blog.

It's an old poem I guess, from a poet long gone.

Funny how the questions of the heart never gets answered even after human's centuries of searching. This is why the poem still resonates with me now. The core problems of the world like love, greed, fairness: has never been resolved.

But let's leave that at that.

About the poem, it's certainly a good and sound advice for those on the trying journey in search of meaning and love. Love should be a responsible thing I think.

We should consider those whom we give our hearts, never give it out recklessly. You'll regret it if you don't treat your heart responsibly, because you'll never get that piece back. What's already been given cannot be taken back, it could only be replaced with another piece. Like a memory, it is fixed and not interchangeable with circumstances.

What is, is.

The situation is not unlike the honeybee: it dies after it stings, did you know that? So that honeybee should seriously consider what it chooses to sting, or it's death would be for nothing. That is sad, because the sacrifice is too great to be spent on mediocre things.

So what I am trying to say to you and remind myself is: consider carefully those whom you open and give your heart. Take responsibility for your own heart and embrace the consequences.

Melancholy

I sent my sis to tuition just now. Then as I pulled up in front of my house, this song came out from the radio. It's a sweet melancholy song, one that can bring a cloud over your heart and blast you off to forgotten places in your memories.

Can it be possible that memories re-create themselves with every remembrance? Somehow it embellishes it, covering up the reality that brought you to make the decisions you did.

Memories can also be in the form of illusion. A dream that was faded awhile to the background while you're chasing other worldly things. It doesn't make it seem less real to me. Illusions can hurt too. Sometimes even more so.

This may or may not be a part of my future or past, but still this song tugs the strings of my heart. As always, time will bring revelation even if it doesn't guarantee salvation.

You could get by without me, but...

I don't know about my love philosophy now. As other parts of my life is as complicated as this love section, it helps to simplify things. Now I am all about song dedications. How I play the field now is like Mr A-Z sang in this song:

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - You And I Both lyrics

Somehow, this gives me peace of mind. Of course, we had a great time. If there is something more there then I'm prepared to give it a try. But if there is nothing worth taking chance on, then I'd just tip my hat to say thank you with a smile and walk away without any grudges. And if I have the option to give another song then I'll give this too, just for fun haha :D

Lyrics | Jason Mraz lyrics - Geek In The Pink lyrics

It's just another lemon tree

Lyrics | Fool's Garden lyrics - Lemon Tree lyrics

This song has been in my head for a week now.

Plus, the story sounds so awfully familiar.

And I guess I just keep on wondering, hoping that something will finally happen.

Or maybe,

just maybe,

I'll change my point of view and go find my own blue blue sky,

... with the lemon tree still in view, just in case you come ;)

Love is not high throughput

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to

~Henry Rollins (American Rock Singer, Author, Actor and Poet, b.1961)

It is foolish to wear your heart on your sleeve, you know?

Especially now, when there are so many people with less than noble intentions. It is tiring to like/love someone now, because of the games that we have to endure to get the message across. Seriously, I think love should have a dedicated field of research as to find the solution for all the heart's problems. All the analysis involved: quantitatively and qualitatively like "does he/she like like me or just like me?" or "what it means when he/she says this/that?" or "when is the right time to call/sms?" or "what it means when he/she does this/that?" and even "what it means when they don't do this/that?". All of it has their own qualitative properties and quantitative degrees of significance; like what was talked about, or how many times a day something happens. It is all like doing research with too many variables and too many outside factors that causes the conclusion drawn from the observation to be not a final conclusion but rather an unproven hypothesis, an assumption.

The only sure determinant for love issues is time. Nothing is as conclusive.

And that is precisely what makes it so hard.

Empirical methods to solve abstract issues like love is not appropriate, cruel even. I know because I've been through it. I've had a person say that he's considering me to be with him, along with a couple more other girls. So in order to qualify for a chance to be with him, a set of seemingly random questions is asked and answered (I also can interview him, apparently) to search for compatibility between the individuals. I don't know about you guys but for me this method is definitely NOT for me. Especially after knowing that I've been chosen along with other girls. It is all well and good that we get to know about the other person but for me the process should be an honest give and take with only one person considered. Seriousness is only when your attention is focused on one person, hoping he/she will accept your love and then be together. Love is not a high throughput thing you know, you can't process 96 samples at one go like my trusty PCR thermal cycler. So after you're serious with that one person, then the process of knowing each other better can genuinely go on. If not, there can never be trust as the nagging questions at the back of my head would haunt my days and nights; questions like, "is he thinking of someone else? is he regretting that he chose me? am I not good enough?". Gile kan semua soalan tu. Macam mana la nak bahagia. Dia saja la yang bahagia sorang, tanpa sedar yang orang yang sepatutnya paling dekat dengannya terseksa. I am not keen in having a golden umbrella up in the heavens for me even before I get hitched. So in the end, goodbye is the only sane thing to do before you get sucked in the vortex of lost chances and unspoken words. Better to stop it at the beginning. However when I said goodbye, you know what he said? He just said, "Noted". Yes, just a stone cold one word reply. Maybe he'll just tick my name of his list of possible candidates. Better that way, I am far too human for a mechanical being like him.

So now I think I've widen my horizon a bit. No longer afraid to meet new people and to challenge myself with new surroundings. But the challenges of starting a new love is the same and sometimes it frustrates me a lot.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I want to annoy for the rest of my life and he wouldn't mind. I won't have any qualms in bugging him at any time of the day with my sometimes silly stories and he'll share his stories too, all because he loves me and I love him too. Poyo x? But it is what I want, I want to grow old with him and build a life together.

InsyaAllah :)

Set sail, the wind is blowing!

Never Give All The Heart

Never give all the heart, for love

Will hardly seem worth thinking of

To passionate women if it seem

Certain, and they never dream

That it fades out from kiss to kiss;

For everything that's lovely is

But a brief, dreamy. Kind delight.

O never give the heart outright,

For they, for all smooth lips can say,

Have given their hearts up to the play.

And who could play it well enough

If deaf and dumb and blind with love?

He that made this knows all the cost,

For he gave all his heart and lost

~William Butler Yeats

This poem I dedicate to a friend of mine who has been drunk with love so long that he didn't realize that it has long passed him by.

He played everything by the book, guarded his love with every effort humanly possible.

But the mover of hearts has never been mortal, so the heart goes its own way according to His plans.

I dearly hope he is stronger when beaten to the ground and rise as never before.

.

.

.

And remember every time you give away a piece of your heart, to keep a portion to yourself. You can't lose it all by just that one person.

You still have your life before you and your family and friends that need your presence.

To drown and die in the sea of need is a curse of the unrequited love. So when you set out to give a part of you to another, make sure that that person is really waiting and longing for you to reach their side soon.

If not, look up to the stars and navigate away into the night.

Even if the sky is dark, press on.

No use waiting, that harbor is no longer there.

But the wind is blowing, and you must set your sails bravely through the open sea.

InsyaAllah, you will realize one day that you were only scarred and unbroken. And of course, there's someone out there who's waiting for you to arrive ;)

Tell me about it

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman

Sometimes, I hate it too.

Love= Overrated

*WARNING! Post jiwang merepek!*

Batu

batu mawar
batu langit
batu duka
batu rindu
batu jarum
batu bisu
kaukah itu
teka teki yang tak menepati janji?

Dengan seribu gunung langit tak runtuh
Dengan seribu perawan hati tak jatuh
Dengan seribu sibuk sepi tak mati
Dengan seribu beringin ingin tak teduh.
Dengan siapa aku mengeluh?
Mengapa jam harus berdenyut sedang darah tak sampai
Mengapa gunung harus meletus sedang langit tak sampai
Mengapa peluk diketatkan sedang hati tak sampai
Mengapa tangan melambai sedang lambai tak sampai.
Kau tahu?

batu risau
batu pukau
batu Kau-ku
batu sepi
batu ngilu
batu bisu
kaukah itu teka teki yang tak menepati janji?

~ Sutardji Calzoum Bachri

It's hard because you can never choose the one you love. Love is not a thing, nor a given right. It is to me a gift bestowed by the Almighty as a means for us to fill the void so stark in our hearts. We are all empty. That is why we search everywhere to fill the nothingness.
As it is a gift, not everyone gets it. It could be given to both at the same time: that's love at first sight. It could be given to one first and then after some time the other person gets it. But it could also be given to you, but never to the other person. Of the reason behind that, we can never question. No use trying to figure out things like that.
In the poem, it reads like an injustice that a love given freely is not reciprocated. Yes, it is puzzling that a love so strong could not be felt by the other. Like screaming to deaf ears. They don't hear you.
You keep on asking why, knowing full well there is no answer. The gift of feeling love is given to you alone, don't that make you special in a hurtful kind of way? But special nonetheless. But if we know our place isn't to question, we'll eventually move on.
Don't get me wrong, I am fascinated by love. It is the riddle everyone trying to figure out since forever and it is also seem to be the answer to everything in this life. But is it?
Sometimes I think it is overrated. Yes, it is a grand mystery but love is not all there is to it. In addition to love, there's faith, hope, responsibility, loyalty, admiration, obsession. Each of these could not be a substitute for another, but not one is greater or less than the other.
Now, I feel like I need a break from "love". Maybe, for me unrequited love is love incomplete. Thus, it must be avoided.
How about we concentrate on the other emotions for a change? We have to cheer up the lost lovers, trapped in a one-way love. Tell them that there's more, so much more out there. Maybe not as sweet, but sweet nonetheless.

Simple is Cinta

Hari ni nak cakap pasal cinta.
Bosanlah yang lain- lain. Otak jem.
Politik, drama hidup bodoh, kerja. Semua bosan.

Jom kita cakap pasal benda yang seronok: cinta. Atau kalau geli perkataan tu, kita sebut je kasih (or adakah lebih menggelikan? Love, ok x?)

Rasanya paling menghayati cinta waktu sekolah menengah. Spesifiknya waktu menengah rendah (form 1-3). Masa tu masyaAllah, gatalnyaa!! hahahaha
Masa tu minat klasmet, minat abang tu, minat abang ni, cikgu pun minat juga ;)
Mmg, masa menengah rendah adalah waktu yg paling sarat dengan kasih sayang untuk org asing.
Masa tu seronok minat orang, share ngan kawan2. Diorang spy kn untuk kita, kita spy kan utk dia. Communication network kalangan kawan2 untuk lapor pasal yg diminati mmg dashyat. Siap ada codenames lagi, untuk elak orang lain tau :D

Tapi itu kasih, minat, cinta yang simple. Mana ada diganggu faktor hidup yg kompleks seperti sekarang, expectations seperti sekarang (keinginan utk commit, utk kahwin dan sebagainya). Masa tu semua simple. Aku minat kau, kau buat2 tak tau and kita flirt dalam cara yang buatkan masing2 perasan hahahaha. Memang sweet!

Sekarang? nak letak sesiapa dalam hati pun susah, kerana takut kecewa. Dulu, kecewa x kisah. Cinta berani mati. Sebab cinta yg simple. Sedih, tp kejap je sebab senag je nk replace org yg diminati (hahaha, ye aku tau, aku minat sorang ni da nk dekat 15tahun. Dia aku x pernah replace :p ). Tapi, kisah 15 tahun dulu pun, sekarang ok je sebab tau main- main dan pasti tidak kemana-mana. So sebenarnye aku mana ada "suka" sesape sekarang.

Sekarang mane ade flirt ngan orang, padahal dulu suke gile buat skandal senyap-senyap. Sendiri sendiri perasan dan kecewa sorang- sorang. Dulu memang suka terjebak dalam aktiviti ni hehe. Tapi sekarang? xde. Xde masa, xde tenaga untuk dibazirkan untuk benda-benda yang boleh memberatkan hati.

kan best kalau boleh mengalami percintaan yang simple. Aku mahu dengar cerita kau, kau pun mahu dengar cerita aku. Kau tunggu aku, aku tunggu kau. Basically, kau mahu aku dan aku mahu kau. Yang lain- lain kita cerita nanti. Ini kita settle dulu. Kan best? ;)

Malap

---Jiwang Alert!---

Kubiarkan cahaya bintang memilikimu
Kubiarkan angin yang pucat dan tak habis-habisnya
Gelisah, tiba-tiba menjelma isyarat, merebutmu …
Entah kapan kau bisa kutangkap

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

15 tahun adalah sela masa yang terlalu lama.
Pasti ada yang telah berubah, namun pasti ada juga yang masih kekal.
Menunggu dalam gelap, merenung cahaya yang kian malap dan mungkin hilang bila-bila masa.
Andai waktu itu datang sebelum aku mampu bergerak dan mencari cahaya lain, aku pasti rebah dalam kegelapan.
Sebenarnya aku sekarang tidak lagi mendambakan cahaya itu menjadi semakin terang. Aku berasa cukup dengan mengingat keindahan yang pernah suatu masa menjadi milikku, walaupun hanya dalam angan- angan.
Aku inginkan cahaya lain sekarang. Cahaya yang lain. Pasti tidak akan sama, namun itulah yang terbaik. Yang dahulu biarkan berlalu.
Aku sebenarnya tidak tahan dalam kegelapan. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku cahaya.

Choice for love

Sometimes I wonder...will I ever be the same person if I chose a different choice in the past?
I heard somebody say that the choices you make define who you really are.
I think that is true.
But,
The definition of self must come from within you, not from another person.
I think this is because only you will know the true reason for the choices you made, others could only speculate.
*************************************************************************************
Love, love, love

Love is a choice, is it not?
Maybe love is indeed blind because you could never choose who you will fall in love with.
But,
after falling in love, the decision to go through with the love and pursue it till the very end is a choice right? The other choice is to let your love go away, to fade into the days gone by.

Sometimes feelings of love make people lose their heads, right?
So, after the initial infatuation, rational thinking would have to be reinstalled immediately.
If not, hearts would be broken. Incapacitated by the need for a reciprocal reaction.
If there is none, the feelings should be erased. Like formatting a hard drive when it is infected by a virus.
Then reboot.
Start over.

But in the end, it's your choice anyway: to pursue it or not.
If unable to erase it permanently, just keep it in the recycle bin.
You can always restore it later ;)

Unrequited love is love incomplete

Lyrics | Kukatakan Dengan Indah lyrics

This song is for the broken and lost...
They fall in and out of love so hard that they never knew what hit them. All they know is that they are left with an ache in their hearts and a confused feeling.

These people are like innocent prisoners trapped in an underground dungeon; alone, afraid and forgotten.When they were finally released from the trappings of love, they walked out with a slight limp and shading their eyes from the glares of the sun they hadn't seen in years. Freedom is now foreign to them, they do not know what to do with it. Looking down the long road ahead, they know that they have to let go and start again. Praying incessantly that they wouldn't fall into the dark dungeon again...

Who are the people responsible for sentencing these poor souls to prison? Rather, they are more like irresponsible people. These people do not realize that their words and actions carry weight.They don't mean to make you love them, it's just something they do. They dance through life day by day, never realizing that they are trampling on the lives of others. It is not like they want to be like that. As they say, ignorance is bliss. What you don't know won't hurt you. When they finally realized what they've done, it is often too late. The other is already broken.

For me, ignorance is not an excuse. You can't say simply, "Oh, I didn't mean it that way" or "So sorry, didn't realize you felt that way". The minute you say that, you are saying that the other party is a poor judge of the situation.You got to respect others. Be responsible. Please do not start something you know you can't finish. Life is not a simple game. You can't lose and start over. Surely, if it is then the game would have been banned right now, considering how many lives it had claimed under the name of love.

I think it is hard for someone to not notice that somebody is vying for their hearts. As Dr Fadzilah Kamsah once said, "If someone loves you, you'll know". If you know that someone is waiting for you, please do not let them wait forever. Who are you to make them wait? You think you're that great, huh? Let them go so that could let you go too. Often people don't know what to do so they just let the people who love them be, never giving an indication of what the true situation is. They hide under the excuse, "I don't want to hurt him/her" or "Maybe if I ignore him/her long enough, they'll forget."
So immature. So unrealistic. You're only making it worse.
Like the character in Jerry Maguire, "If you don't love her, you got to tell her".

Ultimately, you are not truthful. You are not to be trusted with something so precious like a heart anymore. You just can't handle the enormity of the task.
Like I always say, a heart is essentially an amanah. If you can't uphold the amanah, you should not take it in the first place or you would have to answer for it in the afterlife.

But, my friend, if you really did not realize that someone loves you, then it is another story. If it is not intentional, then it is okay. It is still not right, but just okay. But bear in mind that once you realize it, you have to make a decision: to accept or not. Either way, you should do it gently and with respect. Then only you are worthy of love.

Now I think I know why some people hide their feelings. They're afraid they'll be rejected, they're afraid that they'll look stupid [ya..I know this part...]. For me the saying "It is better to have loved and lost then to never have loved at all" is bull. I reject it. Rather, for me this quote summarizes it beautifully:
"Love is like playing a deck of cards. If the other person knows what card you're holding, then they control how the game will end"