Careless heart in a game to lose

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

~Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

I don't like this feeling of being weak. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for wanting something so unattainable.

You don't even know I exist, I know. I've been spending my days and nights playing with schemes to "accidentally" make myself known, or for you to magically say "hi" to me.

Crazy. And childish.

Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself.

But I never cease to question myself, "why you?"

No one can answer that.

You just popped into my mind one day and decide to stay in my heart.

I wish I can purge you out.

The heart never learns as it plays by its own rules.

I wish it wasn't so.

No one can know, because it'd be embarrassing.

And because I can't have you, I resolve to keep on moving, to keep on running.

Maybe I'll busy myself so that there is no chance to think about you. Bury myself in search of earthly transient fulfillment in my budding career or anywhere that I'm sure you are not there.

Because I just can't accept that I let the heart to be so loose that it could be broken by just anyone. This is absolutely unacceptable.

It's like you're holding a tiny glass diamond everywhere you go. But without you realizing it, this particular glass diamond has the tendency to fall off your grip at the most inopportune time, mostly without you realizing it. Then somebody from out of nowhere, walking by in a rush, accidentally trampled on it and broke it to pieces. So you're left with a broken ornament. There is no one to demand repair, because they did not realize it. Furthermore, they are long gone now. So nothing left to do but to pick it up, patch it all up again or get a new one and resolve to never it let it drop again so carelessly. Because it is so costly to replace or repair, you better not let it drop again.

...

So what now?

Nothing.

Because the things in your heart, while its still in your heart, it is still valuable and safe. But once you let it out, then things are not yours to control anymore. Remember this quote,

" Love is like a game of cards, if they know what cards you're playing then they control how the game would end"

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'Azim

Subdued light of the heart

Whether you call my heart affectionate, or you call it womanish: I confess, that to my misfortune, it is soft.

~Ovid (BC 43-AD 18) Roman poet.

Yesterday I watched Twilight.
With all the talk going on and constant mention by Aini, it's impossible to hold off from it.
The movie was ordinary but I think that to truly understand the story we have to see it from the author's narrative: that is by reading the book.
But I'm thinking that if I were to read it, I'd start wishing again. I never even finished Ayat-ayat Cinta because of the same reason. The book is there, I do want to read it, but I don't think I can take it.
So I'd settle with the movie, for now. Even just by watching the movie I was moved by the character Edward Cullen (Aini, I totally get it now why you're so in love with him! I am too! haha), so by reading the book I know I'd fall for a fictitious character.
I don't know why gazillion other girls fall for Edward, but for me it's because of the fact that he actually wants to be with Bella with such intensity in a way that seem to me not degrading himself as a guy. It is as if he is truly sincere. He actually wants to hear her stories, being genuinely interested and caring. Loving her in the only way he knows how: Vampire-style :p
.
.
.
Haha, I think I'd stop now. This is getting ridiculous ;)

p/s: I have a sudden urge to go to the beach, even if I know the monsoon season is ongoing now. I like staring out the horizon, seeing the waves come to the sand to break into tiny white bubbles. The end nowhere in sight and possibilities are endless. By the ocean, worries float away as time stood still. Hopes and prayers are sent above to set the heart free from the ties of the world that hold it down.
Yes, I miss the ocean.

Wanted: Soulmate ;)

Lyrics | Savage Garden lyrics - To The Moon And Back lyrics

I am very touched by the concern of many people about my single, mingle and jingle status :)
They are so very concerned that several people (I think now the count is at 3 people) even dream about me getting engaged! When I asked, she said that she can't clearly see my "fiance's" face but he has a mustache. So now I am playing a game in my head by actively assessing all my acquaintances for their possession of a mustache and ask myself: could it be HIM? and then I'll laugh at myself for the silliness of it all :D haha.
But maybe some of you want to know the truth? Hmm...
Let me put it this way:
Of course I want to with somebody whom I can share my life with! I am not a nun. BUT, as of right now the goal of finding a soulmate has fallen to third place in my list of priorities in life. The first is finishing my PhD and second is making family happy (why is the family second? it's because by completing my PhD, that would also make them happy. They'll always be first in my heart). So my life now is basically family and career oriented.
Furthermore, finding a soulmate is too much work....it's not something that come to me easily. I feel that it is not in my power to do. So I'll leave my heart's question for Allah's answer. I'll leave it to HIM.
Like in the song, I'm waiting for the right kind of pilot to come. It's kinda like this: I've prepared the mosque and all. The only thing I need is the Imam hehehe (gelak gatal).
So now, what I can do is to finish my PhD and be with my family. This is in my power and I intend to do it with all my heart.
.............................

These are some interesting quotes that I got while surfing:

I, with a deeper instinct, choose a man who compels my strength, who makes enormous demands on me, who does not doubt my courage or my toughness, who does not believe me naive or innocent, who has the courage to treat me like a woman.
Anais Nin

(Yes, someone who is worthy of me and I hope to God that I am worthy of him)

Choose a wife rather by your ear than your eye.
Thomas Fuller

( I think it's also true for choosing a husband, it'll be a nightmare to have someone more stupid than you or someone you can't connect at any level because of different wavelengths :p )

Only choose in marriage a man whom you would choose as a friend if he were a woman.
Joseph Joubert

(Just hope that he's not gay, girlfriend! haha. But on a more serious note, this is true. You should be able to trust and depend on him. You'll share everything with him, it'd be difficult if you despise him)

But I don't know if people are meant to be together. You have to have a lot in common, choose well and be really fortunate. It's not like you're sprinkled with fairy dust. You have to believe that love will be there when you need it.
Claire Danes

(Get real, fairy tales are just that: fairy tales. But that don't mean that we can't be happy)

My message is this:
To find or not to find a soulmate is entirely as God wills it to be. To be loved in itself is a blessing and there's no need to rush or mope around feeling sad and blue because you have no one. You can't stall your whole life just because of a little glitch on the way. Move forward! Be all that you can be and you will receive all that you can have: no more, no less.

Apa yang dimulakan, perlu dihabiskan

Slm...
Terfikir sesuatu..kenapa sangat susah nak habiskan buku Ayat-ayat Cinta?
POyo x kalau cakap yang bukannya xde masa, bukannya malas, tapi diri ni macam berat je nak habiskan...

In truth, I've seen the movie. I am not at all satisfied with it because the storyline at the beginning is too slow and failed to hold attention much as it was quite boring. However, the story picked up pace after Fahri married Aisha. In a nutshell, the movie's not half bad. The movie sure have its moments where the sparkle of brilliance shone but then it sizzled out into nothing. For me, the movie is not complex at all but it attempt to deal with some very serious issues, it's like butter that's spread out too thin..trying its best to cover the whole bread. In the movie, the characters do not have the chance to develop and leave a mark and the issues tackled are not explored fully.
These are all the reasons why I thought that finishing the book is of paramount importance.
But I couldn't!

Hmm....kenapa ye? Padahal buku tu bukan tebal pun.
Macam ni lah, sebenarnye susah nak habiskan sebab expectation terhadap buku tu terlalu tinggi. Ramai orang yang dah baca, semua suruh aku baca.
"Bacalah Lisa, sure ko suke"
"Akak taknak bagitau cerita tu macam mana, Lisa bacalah, akak rasa sure Lisa suke"
...dan yang paling best:
"Lisa, aku xtau la kenapa tapi bila aku baca buku ni aku teringat kat kau. Bacalah!"
..n orang yang mengatakan ayat mencurigakan diatas telah menghadiahkan aku buku tersebut. Jadi, sebab banyak beno orang rekemen, aku pun google la. Memang hebat sampai dikatakan seperti sebuah fenomena. Betapa banyak orang yang terkesan dengan buku ini? Sangat banyak.

...
Boleh tak kalau aku katakan aku takut kalau-kalau aku pun terkesan?
Aku bukannya imun. Aku bukannya hati batu... [maybe lebih kepada hati ais batu kot, konon je teguh dingin, tapi sikit-sikit tanpa orang sedari, hati mencair sedikit demi sedikit... :P].
Takut pada kesannya!
Memanglah, ceritanya tentang cinta berlandaskan Islam. Ia bukan novel cinta kosong.
Tapi..
Hati wanita, sering berbolak-balik. Rapuh dan teguh pada waktu yang sama. Hati wanita boleh tahan bebanan yang tidak tersangka boleh ditahannya tapi boleh hancur kerana sekecil- kecil perkara yang memberi kesan padanya.
Takut aku jatuh!
Takut aku akan mahu sesuatu yang tak mungkin aku dapatkan.

Jadi, biarlah buku itu disitu. Aku akan baca, tapi...tak tahulah habis bila.

Apa yang pasti ialah jika sudah tersuratkan untuk terjadi, maka akan terjadi. Halang atau lari, takkan boleh sembunyi dari takdir. Redha, sabar dan syukur, itulah sebenarnya yang perlu sekarang. Keyakinan terhadap masa depan yang masih rahsia...kalaupun ia ada.