Helang dan pipit takkan bersama

Beronak duri jalan berliku, 

Bila sampai tak siapa tahu, 

Banyaklah salah pada diriku, 

Aku hendak orang tak mahu.

Jauhlah sudah jalan kuredah,

Sepi sendiri tiada kawan, 

Aku si pipit terbangnya rendah, 

Dia si helang membelah awan. 

Tak lama malam akan menjelang, 

Membikin hati bertambah rawan, 

Biarlah helang bersama helang, 

Kecil si pipit tidak terlawan. 

~Nur_aqli, 2020

Tak apa lah

Rasa macam akan ditolak lagi. 

Atas alasan yang bukan dalam kemampuanku untuk mengubahnya. 

Banyak kali begini. 

Sesuatu mati tanpa sempat diberi nafas. 

Memanglah ada hikmah. 

Tapi... 

Hujung jari-jariku bagai tidak terasa lagi. 

Fikiran penuh dan kosong pada masa yang sama. 

Hati terasa lohong dan beku. 

Kaku. 

Hela nafas pendek-pendek.

Kecewa kepada diri dan hati: mengapa terlalu berharap.

.

.

.

Hmm 

Ok. 

Kalaupun harapan tidak salah, boleh tak jangan sedih sangat? 

Entahlah. Seberapa banyak "tidak" lagi? 

Harapan untuk berkeluarga, berkasih sayang... Itu fitrah yang masih tidak dapat aku diamkan. Sebenarnya risau juga jika aku berjaya diamkan, adakah hati telah bertukar menjadi batu. 

Mahu rela saja dengan jalan takdir ini, tapi tiada jalan lain...ini semua perlu dilalui demi merealisasikan impi, memenuhi harapan dan keinginan. 

Lalu untuk kesekian kalinya, "Tak apa lah" lalu meneruskan langkah. 

Kalau sudah Allah tentukan tiada, tidak jadi, malah terbakar menyala-nyala: Apa yang perlu dibuat olehku yang sudah dihujung harap, dihujung usaha? 

Aku percaya Allah Maha Baik, dan aku sebenarnya tidak risau. 

Cuma sedih saja. Dan letih. Serta bosan. 

"Tak apa lah" dan aku serahkan padaMu. Hidup mesti diteruskan. 

Aku sebenarnya tiada pilihan. 

Circuits

I wonder if you can choose what hurts you.
People keep saying I'm overthinking and oversensitive..without even bothering to actually understand. Why do people do that? When someone shares something, they don't expect opinions or for you to take sides, but just listen in a non judgmental way.
I don't bother now. I just do work with such excellence that I am able. My only problem is I wish I was more relaxed and not think too much and be all worked up and then worry that I think too much and then I try to stop thinking, which makes me think about it even more and then it makes me sad why am I doing this, am I crazy and am I unlovable and am I so awkward and then I just feel tired. My head hurt, sometimes I feel angry and most times I just want to sleep. Which makes me fat, make me worry am I depressed or sick or what?
In reality I am nothing. Nothing is wrong, nothing is happening. Nothing. It is too much that is nothing. 
If it is up to me, I don't want to deal with them again. I can avoid them as long as it is necessary and I have no grouses to meet them or talk to them or to be friends. But what is tiring is the way they are hurtful and evil without reason. It's like they go out of their way just to make sure they hurt you. In my mind they are master narcissistic bullies.
I prayed to God to keep me away from these people but as they are in my circle then there is no choice: to face them or change scenery.
I have been playing with this thought for a while now...it gets stifling and heavy and lonely all at the same time.
I really crave for change. I want to run and break away.
I just hope that one day they get a taste of their own medicine and when it trickles down their throat, I hope they remember how they used to do the same exact thing to people. I hope then they repent. I hope that by then, I am far away from them. I hope that by then, in my heart are only good memories and I am surrounded by goodness. I hope that by then, their names and faces don't even cross my mind.

Doaku

Ya Allah,
aku mengadukan kepadaMu kesunyian diriku..
Kesunyian yang menggigit walau dikalangan orang yang ramai..
.
.
Ya Allah, aku mengadukan kepadaMu keletihan diriku,
Masa yang diisi dengan kesibukan-kesibukan kosong,
Untuk memadam kenyataan yang mencengkam.
Namun bagaimana keletihan ini akan berakhir,
bila sebenarnya jiwalah yang lelah?
.
.
Ya Allah,
Maha Pelindung hamba-hambaNya yang lemah,
Lindungilah aku, jangan Kau biarkan aku terhina dihadapan manusia..
Amankan aku dari mereka yang meresahkan jiwaku, menyesakkan dadaku dan memenatkan kudratku..
Amankan aku dari mereka yang bertentangan jiwa mereka dengan jiwaku,
Jauhkan aku dari mereka ya Allah,
Hanya padaMu aku taat dan aku bersujud,
Selamatkan takdirku dari bergantung pada mereka ataupun diriku sendiri..
Aku hanya ingin bergantung harap padaMu ya Allah..
.
.
Ya Allah,
Aku mengadukan kepadaMu kerinduan hatiku
pada perkara dan masa yang telah lalu
dan pada perkara dan masa yang belum berlaku lagi..
Doa harapan ini hanya Kau yang Maha Mengetahui..
Hanya padaMu aku menyerahkan diri ini,
kerana
Sesungguhnha Laa ilaha illallah, laa haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'adzim..

Ya Allah,
Ampunilah diriku dan berlembutlah dengan takdirku..
Aku hanya hambaMu yang lemah, cuma menunggu dijemput pulang dalam ketenangan
Aamin..

Lampias keinginan

Sudah resmi burung,
Dilihatnya langit,
Mahu dicapainya,
Mahu dipeluk lembut awannya,
Mahu dibelai sepoi anginnya..

Namun takdirnya dia burung yang tak dapat terbang,
Sayapnya belum diberi kekuatan,
Belum diizin Tuhan menyelusuri alam,
Menggapai isi kayangan.

Atau mungkin takdirnya hanya menyokong teman,
Yang jauh terbang didada langit,
Menyorak, menghargai, mendoakan
Agar yang lain itu baik-baik saja disana
Walau makna doanya yang dibisiknya itupun
Hakikatnya dia belum mengerti
Kerana belum mengalami.

Memaksa hati memahami
Adalah ujiannya sekian lama.
Mengikis kesabaran yang sedikit,
Lalu dipalit kebosanan demi kebosanan.

Mahu dijeritnya saja,
"Pergi kau jauh!
Kenapa terbang disini?
Apa yang kau dapat dengan mengagahku terbang?"

Tapi temannya jauh dilangit,
Tak tercapai suaranya ke mereka,
Malah,
Kata-kata itu tak pernah lepas dari kerongkong,
Luahan perasaan itu cuma senyuman sekilas,
Yang datang dengan hirisan halus dilubuk hati.

Tertunduk saja akhirnya,
Memikirkan mungkin namanya perlu diganti,
Kerana dia
Bukan seperti yang lain.

Punishment of hell is in its repetition. Punishment of earth? The same.

Sekarang ni bawa hati ke mana-mana terasa bagai nak tumpah. Diisi sampai melimpah dengan keinginan tak kesampaian. Isinya tumpah jatuh lantas berubah jadi api dengki dan marah. Mata yang dulu luas memandang hanya nampak batang hidung diri sendiri. Lebih sejengkal itu terus masuk titik buta. Kosong pandangannya, bila sentuhan mata kena jatuh ke insan lain ia menembus fisik lalu menatap angan seperti sesuatu yang jauh didepan, tak ternampak mata lain. Fikiran diasak dengan kesibukan kosong yang dilaksanakan satu-satu tanpa henti. Tanpa beri peluang perkara lain ditimbangi fikiran.
Kadang-kadang badan kalah, perlu rehat juga. Lepas rehat, terus cari penawar. Ingatkan penawar pada suka, pada gembira. Tapi tidak. Itu bukan suka dan gembira yang dilukis harapan. Lalu kecewa. Dihanyut amarah dan tak puas hati. Entah mana penawar sejati, masih sembunyi diri.

Oh dear, my heart

Oh dear,  my heart:
Just hold on a little longer.
I don't think he sees you,
All lit up with the familiar rush of a crush,
A pitiful beautiful mess.
I'd shield you from what I know is coming,
But what good would that do to you?
You need to remember the lesson of waiting,
Because patience is expensive for those who don't know the price,
And justice is lost on those served with it.
Oh dear heart.
You break me when you wait on an answer
From someone oblivious they've been asked. 
Or a more heartwrenching reality; they chose to be blind to your sight and deaf to your call;
Their soul unwilling to destroy another but unwittingly obliterated it in chosen ignorance.

Just for what is next.

Merajuk.
That is indeed a special word. The translation is supposed to be 'sulk' but I don't think it really captures the meaning of merajuk.

How about 'jauh hati'?
That one would be more difficult to translate, difficult to explain. A direct translation would be 'distant heart'. Still it doesn't have the drama carried by the Malay version.

Malay language is heavy with emotion, maybe because the people are themselves usually hard to show emotion. We are craftful and have innate sense of what is beautiful. But we are always hiding behind words. Example would be like in the pantun or syair (the poems, or play of words in Malay). Whatever we say or do would never mirror what the heart truly feels. This is why our language have simpulan bahasa and peribahasa. Our words have intricate layers of meaning.

I am unsure if any of you would agree with me that the Malay people are hard to show emotion. But for me this is true. The true meaning of the heart is usually in our actions but the interpretation of actions are not universal. Therefore this leads to misunderstanding, as the language of the heart of another person is deciphered using the language of our own innate perspective, mind and feeling. The result is often wrong.
Such a toxic process. Detrimental to harmony.

What is sad is the cycle won't end anytime soon. It will go on and on and on, until something, someone, gives in.

Letihnya.

One thing about giving in is the requirement to be as big as the ocean, in order to be able to neutralize everything that is thrown inside of it. Like a powerful buffer, like an incredible spring. Able to bounce back from anything that attempts to change it, to rise from anything that keeps it down.
I don't think anyone has that capacity naturally. That is why people say, "exercise patience". Like it is something that has to be practised in order to be good at it. For me, to keep a good attitude while waiting is a heavy burden upon the heart. It is particularly tugging when you're faced with constant reminders of what you lack. It is surprising how insensitive people could be.

This reminds me: I think everyone is greedy of their own happiness. No sharing, it is your sole responsibility to be happy, you see. Because to some people, happiness has a switch that can be turned on whenever we want. For these people, happy or not is your own choice.

Oh my, but what a hard choice. You have to heave your heart that weighs a tonne like a sack onto your back, then look up to move forward. All you need is an endless supply of hope which in turn powers your patience. So a good supply of hope means more patience.

But people say, don't get your hopes up.
I can't help it, my hopes will go up, shooting to the upward sky until suddenly it comes crashing down. Crashing down so hard that it blazes up in flames and disappear like it was never there before. So to ensure my hopes to not go up is a vain effort. No one, nothing except Allah controls the heart. The heart can do whatever it wants. I've given up trying to restrain it anyway. What I am focusing on is to shorten my downtime whenever that happens. I want to heal faster. That phoenix-like ability is what I am aiming for. This is because I understand that whatever is mine will be mine, and whatever isn't will never be even after thousands of years. So even if it kills me everytime I come crashing down, the flicker of hope will always ensure I come back.
All because of one thing: just to see what comes next.

Price for waiting

The line is long. So long that I couldn't even make out whether the touch n go counter at the toll gate is closed or open. Sometimes if the timing isn't right, or the traffic so heavy they'll close the counter so that cars could move faster using the electronic toll booths. People lining up to top up their touch n go cards would just clog up the traffic you see.
I moved my car in line, trying my best to squint the sign "Open" at the counter. I couldn't see it. Furthermore the rays of the sun was shining brilliantly, marring my sight even more. Glancing at the clock, I guess I could spare some time before I'm late. So I waited. It was a long wait and we were just inching towards the counter. I sang along to songs, played with my phone a bit but the wait was long.
Suddenly from the corner of my eye, I saw some cars cutting through the line and it was infuriating. How can someone just cut the line like that when everyone else is enduring the long wait? Why do they think their time is worth more than others? I tried positive thinking,  like maybe they're in a life/death emergency or someone is in labour in their car. But when I see that nothing of that sort is happening,  I got pissed again.
Patience,  patience. I breathed in and out several times but couldn't help but wish that their affairs of the day won't turn out good (oh my God, that is not good! But hey, I'm just human).
I am now officially late. I should've made it but didn't. Already I felt a grey cloud looming in my horizon although it's a sun shiny day outside. Drats.
It doesn't help my situation that I keep getting all these notifications on social networks about how happy and perfect and beautiful everyone else is. Whereas I'm stuck. My oh my. It's a challenge just to keep my zen because I'm not even sure if the touch n go counter is open! It would be a waste if I arrive finally to the counter just to discover that it's closed. Yes, I could've changed lanes but it's now past that already. There are orange cones lined up along all lanes to stop cars from changing lanes. Oh no...
You know what? This is exactly what I do not want to have in life, love or anything. I don't want to wait in line for something I potentially won't get. Yes I know, dealing with all these ifs and greys are never going to help. But I would appreciate it if I know if there is a real chance in something. Now it's especially hard to deal with love. It is both the thing that I want most and dread most in life. Maybe that is the price of hope. It's terrifying to realise I really like someone but don't know if he's on the same page. Everytime I speak it sounds like a squeak. Everything I say seem stupid. All I do seem clumsy and off the mark. It really is an inconvenience. For once, I'd like to know the counter is open or not. Is it worth the risk of falling? :(

Careless heart in a game to lose

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

~Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.

His house is in the village though;

He will not see me stopping here

To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer

To stop without a farmhouse near

Between the woods and frozen lake

The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake

To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep

Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,

And miles to go before I sleep,

And miles to go before I sleep.

I don't like this feeling of being weak. Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy for wanting something so unattainable.

You don't even know I exist, I know. I've been spending my days and nights playing with schemes to "accidentally" make myself known, or for you to magically say "hi" to me.

Crazy. And childish.

Sometimes, I'm disgusted with myself.

But I never cease to question myself, "why you?"

No one can answer that.

You just popped into my mind one day and decide to stay in my heart.

I wish I can purge you out.

The heart never learns as it plays by its own rules.

I wish it wasn't so.

No one can know, because it'd be embarrassing.

And because I can't have you, I resolve to keep on moving, to keep on running.

Maybe I'll busy myself so that there is no chance to think about you. Bury myself in search of earthly transient fulfillment in my budding career or anywhere that I'm sure you are not there.

Because I just can't accept that I let the heart to be so loose that it could be broken by just anyone. This is absolutely unacceptable.

It's like you're holding a tiny glass diamond everywhere you go. But without you realizing it, this particular glass diamond has the tendency to fall off your grip at the most inopportune time, mostly without you realizing it. Then somebody from out of nowhere, walking by in a rush, accidentally trampled on it and broke it to pieces. So you're left with a broken ornament. There is no one to demand repair, because they did not realize it. Furthermore, they are long gone now. So nothing left to do but to pick it up, patch it all up again or get a new one and resolve to never it let it drop again so carelessly. Because it is so costly to replace or repair, you better not let it drop again.

...

So what now?

Nothing.

Because the things in your heart, while its still in your heart, it is still valuable and safe. But once you let it out, then things are not yours to control anymore. Remember this quote,

" Love is like a game of cards, if they know what cards you're playing then they control how the game would end"

La haula wala quwwata illa billahil 'aliyyil 'Azim

I wonder where are you

Oh you yellow leaves

that whirl upon the autumn slopes

if only for a moment

do not whirl down in such confusion,

that i may see where my beloved dwells.

~Kakinomoto no Hitomaro ( 8th century)

Beautiful poem. Nothing more, nothing less.

All these questioning and taking fate to task makes me afraid I'll slip.

I'll fall into the unforgivable sin of not being grateful to Allah.

Why this, why that.

All are dangerous questions.

.

.

.

The world keep revolving, going with such fast pace that sometimes it becomes a blur that surrounds me. Everything falls with such confusion that it becomes hard to focus.

Sometimes it is overwhelming.

One way is to expand your heart to receive all the sorrows, all the happiness, all the challenges that come your way. And be kind. Be kind to yourself. Don't beat up yourself too much: negative motivation is poison, not a cure.

Just do everything that you can do. Beyond that, leave it to Him.

Patience and being grateful is such a hard thing to do.

Trust me, I know.

Melancholy

I sent my sis to tuition just now. Then as I pulled up in front of my house, this song came out from the radio. It's a sweet melancholy song, one that can bring a cloud over your heart and blast you off to forgotten places in your memories.

Can it be possible that memories re-create themselves with every remembrance? Somehow it embellishes it, covering up the reality that brought you to make the decisions you did.

Memories can also be in the form of illusion. A dream that was faded awhile to the background while you're chasing other worldly things. It doesn't make it seem less real to me. Illusions can hurt too. Sometimes even more so.

This may or may not be a part of my future or past, but still this song tugs the strings of my heart. As always, time will bring revelation even if it doesn't guarantee salvation.

The opposite of two

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur

There is nobody in the house, they've all gone out somewhere. Initially I planned to dine with my labmates but they were held up at the lab; they have an important discussion with our supervisor. As my tummy was grumbling all sorts of music, I had to go grab a bite and left. I switched to plan B, which was to buy eggs and just cook up something very basic and oh-so-single like an egg sandwich. But then as I pulled my car beside the shop, the hawker stalls lining the opposite side of the street was so inviting that I didn't even resist the temptation. Naturally I switched to plan C: buy food and be the true bachelorette ;)

I bought nasi lemak ayam berempah and 5 sticks of satay (no comments please, I told you I didn't even resist! haha) and it made me happy. Yes, just like that I was happy. As Fazleen always say; "hee..easily pleased!". Ah well, I sure don't need much to put a smile on my face, that is for sure :) But alongside that happiness, I was also kinda sad due to the loneliness of having to buy your own food and eating silently in front of the TV. Maybe because I am so used to eating with the whole family that dining alone is a sharp contrast.

This is the reason why I hate eating on my own, I'd rather not eat. During Samarahan days, I'd wait up for Fizah to come to my room before buying food and eating together afterwards. She'd make fun of me and say, "haha, kesiannya die xde kawan nk ajak makan." Cis kn? But I don't mind, it was my luck that I got a room separated from my friends. Nasib la Fizah sanggup juga layan aku makan, u r the best! If u r a guy I swear I'd marry you hahaha

And so here I am, in front of the tv, blogging nonsense while gathering the will to do some work after this. Gotta keep moving!

Tell me about it

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.”

~Neil Gaiman

Sometimes, I hate it too.

Malap

---Jiwang Alert!---

Kubiarkan cahaya bintang memilikimu
Kubiarkan angin yang pucat dan tak habis-habisnya
Gelisah, tiba-tiba menjelma isyarat, merebutmu …
Entah kapan kau bisa kutangkap

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

15 tahun adalah sela masa yang terlalu lama.
Pasti ada yang telah berubah, namun pasti ada juga yang masih kekal.
Menunggu dalam gelap, merenung cahaya yang kian malap dan mungkin hilang bila-bila masa.
Andai waktu itu datang sebelum aku mampu bergerak dan mencari cahaya lain, aku pasti rebah dalam kegelapan.
Sebenarnya aku sekarang tidak lagi mendambakan cahaya itu menjadi semakin terang. Aku berasa cukup dengan mengingat keindahan yang pernah suatu masa menjadi milikku, walaupun hanya dalam angan- angan.
Aku inginkan cahaya lain sekarang. Cahaya yang lain. Pasti tidak akan sama, namun itulah yang terbaik. Yang dahulu biarkan berlalu.
Aku sebenarnya tidak tahan dalam kegelapan. Ya Allah, berikanlah aku cahaya.

Home Alone

I am now in the lab.
The mountain of task that await me is so high that it makes my heart heavy to start climbing. So I procrastinate. But things could be put off for only so long, eventually you have to get it done sooner or later.
I might be slow to start, but I'm moving nonetheless ;)

Guess I'll be spending Aidiladha alone this year as the rest of my family have gone to Kelantan.
I am not so sad, I've spent my Raya Qurban away from family before (during my matriculation and also while in Unimas). Furthermore, the decision to stay at home and do my research project is entirely my own.
However, it is still not easy even though I've been through it before. I bid a teary farewell to my family yesterday and I kick myself for doing that. I want them to not worry for me, so in the end I did manage to stop my tears and gave them a great big smile while waving them goodbye (still am proud of myself for doing that :p ) and I could see that somehow they are somewhat relieved after that.
When I told everyone that I'll be alone this raya, most of them pity me. But friends, you need not be. I am fine, truly. I know what I am getting myself into, so don't worry :)
Well Mom did say once that out of all her children, I am the one she won't be worried about if I was stranded on an island haha. Yeah, I am indeed a survivor!!

So now I am alone.
Do you know that when alone, the silence is so loud it hurt your ears?
But life is all about making choices.
I don't know whether it is wrong or right, but it is mine.

Choice for love

Sometimes I wonder...will I ever be the same person if I chose a different choice in the past?
I heard somebody say that the choices you make define who you really are.
I think that is true.
But,
The definition of self must come from within you, not from another person.
I think this is because only you will know the true reason for the choices you made, others could only speculate.
*************************************************************************************
Love, love, love

Love is a choice, is it not?
Maybe love is indeed blind because you could never choose who you will fall in love with.
But,
after falling in love, the decision to go through with the love and pursue it till the very end is a choice right? The other choice is to let your love go away, to fade into the days gone by.

Sometimes feelings of love make people lose their heads, right?
So, after the initial infatuation, rational thinking would have to be reinstalled immediately.
If not, hearts would be broken. Incapacitated by the need for a reciprocal reaction.
If there is none, the feelings should be erased. Like formatting a hard drive when it is infected by a virus.
Then reboot.
Start over.

But in the end, it's your choice anyway: to pursue it or not.
If unable to erase it permanently, just keep it in the recycle bin.
You can always restore it later ;)

Promises to keep

Salam

I've deleted my chatbox and also my slideshow at the end of this page. It doesn't seem to serve any significant purpose.

I'm taking a time out for a while. I feel kinda weird.

There's so many that I have to do, even though sometimes I wish I don't have to.

Here's a beautiful poem from Robert Frost:

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

Dugaan Nya

Dugaan Nya by Hujan

Bapanya mahukannya jadi seorang askar,
bukan cita-citanya,
bukan impiannya.

Dia terlalu muda tuk tinggalkan keluarga,
bila tiba masanya,
pilu mula terasa.

Berkecamuk hati,hatinya sendiri,
persoalannya kini,sampai bila mampu ku bertahan,
mampukah ku bertahan?

wowo,
Nampak ketarakah dilema di wajah ku,
wowo,
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu.
wowo,
Nampak ketarakah dilema di wajah ku,
wowo,
Diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu.

Beginikah selalunya cinta,
diakhiri sengsara,
setelah dicurahkan semua.

Cuba ku dalami,
sampai termimpi mimpi,
namun apa yang ku jumpa,
semuanya sama.

Berkecamuk hati,hatinya sendiri,
persoalannya kini,sampai bila mampu ku bertahan,
mampukah ku bertahan?

wowo,
nampak ketarakah dilema di wajah ku,
wowo,
diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu.
wowo,
nampak ketarakah dilema di wajah ku,
wowo,
diluarnya tenang tapi tuhan saja tahu.

Ini semua dugaan Nya,(2X)

This is currently my fav song. I can identify with the guy in this song...
Can I hold on much longer? coz right now, letting go seem to be more and more desirable...
Sometimes being strong is soooooo tiring.
It's good to know that when we let go, there's something waiting for us at the bottom to break the fall. Coz if there is nothing there, I would fall hard on my face and never get up again.
Imagine, pieces of my brain laced with fresh red blood lying everywhere...gory sight.
So I better not let go.
Hold on!
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Why does lately my posts depict love?
Coz I'm losing faith in it.
So, to restore the faith, I have to remind myself that love is bigger than all of us put together.
If you hope for love, ask from the One that owns love.
The problem is that we keep asking from people things that they could never give.
Ask from the One that has it all.
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Yesterday I watched a Korean movie, "Old maid diaries"
[as opposed to the princess diaries..hehe]
Seriously, I fear that there may be a chance that I could end up like the heroine...an old maid.
Coz what happened to her keep happening to me too.

Beginikah selalunya cinta,
diakhiri sengsara,
setelah dicurahkan semua.

Cuba ku dalami,
sampai termimpi mimpi,
namun apa yang ku jumpa,
semuanya sama.

All are the same...no different.
Doesn't matter...

Ini semua dugaan Nya

This is what I believe.
Yeah, I know, stupid for wanting something like this.
Yeah, I know, you'll only tell me that it is only natural..part of being a person.
But I don't want to want something that I can never have. Got to get a grip.
Reality is all me.
....(however, the ground seem unreal sometimes)

Pergilah perasaan
Tinggalkan tubuhku kosong
bagai angkasa yang tiada berudara...

I leave you with that to ponder.