Just for what is next.

Merajuk.
That is indeed a special word. The translation is supposed to be 'sulk' but I don't think it really captures the meaning of merajuk.

How about 'jauh hati'?
That one would be more difficult to translate, difficult to explain. A direct translation would be 'distant heart'. Still it doesn't have the drama carried by the Malay version.

Malay language is heavy with emotion, maybe because the people are themselves usually hard to show emotion. We are craftful and have innate sense of what is beautiful. But we are always hiding behind words. Example would be like in the pantun or syair (the poems, or play of words in Malay). Whatever we say or do would never mirror what the heart truly feels. This is why our language have simpulan bahasa and peribahasa. Our words have intricate layers of meaning.

I am unsure if any of you would agree with me that the Malay people are hard to show emotion. But for me this is true. The true meaning of the heart is usually in our actions but the interpretation of actions are not universal. Therefore this leads to misunderstanding, as the language of the heart of another person is deciphered using the language of our own innate perspective, mind and feeling. The result is often wrong.
Such a toxic process. Detrimental to harmony.

What is sad is the cycle won't end anytime soon. It will go on and on and on, until something, someone, gives in.

Letihnya.

One thing about giving in is the requirement to be as big as the ocean, in order to be able to neutralize everything that is thrown inside of it. Like a powerful buffer, like an incredible spring. Able to bounce back from anything that attempts to change it, to rise from anything that keeps it down.
I don't think anyone has that capacity naturally. That is why people say, "exercise patience". Like it is something that has to be practised in order to be good at it. For me, to keep a good attitude while waiting is a heavy burden upon the heart. It is particularly tugging when you're faced with constant reminders of what you lack. It is surprising how insensitive people could be.

This reminds me: I think everyone is greedy of their own happiness. No sharing, it is your sole responsibility to be happy, you see. Because to some people, happiness has a switch that can be turned on whenever we want. For these people, happy or not is your own choice.

Oh my, but what a hard choice. You have to heave your heart that weighs a tonne like a sack onto your back, then look up to move forward. All you need is an endless supply of hope which in turn powers your patience. So a good supply of hope means more patience.

But people say, don't get your hopes up.
I can't help it, my hopes will go up, shooting to the upward sky until suddenly it comes crashing down. Crashing down so hard that it blazes up in flames and disappear like it was never there before. So to ensure my hopes to not go up is a vain effort. No one, nothing except Allah controls the heart. The heart can do whatever it wants. I've given up trying to restrain it anyway. What I am focusing on is to shorten my downtime whenever that happens. I want to heal faster. That phoenix-like ability is what I am aiming for. This is because I understand that whatever is mine will be mine, and whatever isn't will never be even after thousands of years. So even if it kills me everytime I come crashing down, the flicker of hope will always ensure I come back.
All because of one thing: just to see what comes next.

Stars for today

May 08, 2009

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Big questions are swimming through your mind today -- your subconscious is in a doubting mood, and it's forcing you to wonder about the status quo. You will probably start to think about a career change -- but when you do, be careful not to assume that a new career will be a better career. Different monotony is still monotony, no matter what the new title may be. When you're contemplating change, it's important to factor in a healthy dose of reality

... hahaha. Must factor in a healthy dose of reality. Gotta keep that in mind :p