Bare moment

I know that you believe you understand what you think I said, but I'm not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant

~Robert McCloskey

Is it possible to reveal to much?

But what frustrates me is that sometimes I feel sorely misunderstood. I hate that because I don't really have the time or even the patience to explain what I mean in the truest sense.

I don't think they want to hear anyway, because it sends a thrill down the spine whenever we believe that we understand something, more so than the person in question.

Haih...

I don't know. But to be laid bare, in front of stranger's eyes, stripped from your defenses: all that I can muster is clammed up silence.

In my head I prayed: let this moment pass.

And it passed. May it be left in that moment, without another mention.

Home Alone

I am now in the lab.
The mountain of task that await me is so high that it makes my heart heavy to start climbing. So I procrastinate. But things could be put off for only so long, eventually you have to get it done sooner or later.
I might be slow to start, but I'm moving nonetheless ;)

Guess I'll be spending Aidiladha alone this year as the rest of my family have gone to Kelantan.
I am not so sad, I've spent my Raya Qurban away from family before (during my matriculation and also while in Unimas). Furthermore, the decision to stay at home and do my research project is entirely my own.
However, it is still not easy even though I've been through it before. I bid a teary farewell to my family yesterday and I kick myself for doing that. I want them to not worry for me, so in the end I did manage to stop my tears and gave them a great big smile while waving them goodbye (still am proud of myself for doing that :p ) and I could see that somehow they are somewhat relieved after that.
When I told everyone that I'll be alone this raya, most of them pity me. But friends, you need not be. I am fine, truly. I know what I am getting myself into, so don't worry :)
Well Mom did say once that out of all her children, I am the one she won't be worried about if I was stranded on an island haha. Yeah, I am indeed a survivor!!

So now I am alone.
Do you know that when alone, the silence is so loud it hurt your ears?
But life is all about making choices.
I don't know whether it is wrong or right, but it is mine.

BioMalaysia 2008

BioMalaysia 2008
Kuala Lumpur Convention Center (KLCC)

Great news:
Wanie (one of my labmates) submitted a poster to compete in BioMalaysia as a representative of UiTM, and she won a GOLD medal! hahaha :D Congratulations to Prof Zaki, Dr Teh, Wanie and the rest of the team ;) There's only about 18 medals up for grabs and UiTM managed to bag 2 of them. Power to UiTM! Hahaha
..so don't play- play with UiTM, we mean business ;)

My role in making this dream a reality is just as one of the booth keeper (is that term right? kinda like a zookeeper :p). Anyone, and I mean anyone walk by our booth, then I'll flash them my most briliant smile :)
Other than that, I'm also the self-proclaimed official photographer for the event (at least for my team) eventhough some of the pictures were badly distorted because I didn't use the shake-free function (that's because that function have automatic flash===> the pictures won't look good).
These are some pictures of the event:

...actually during this event I was in shoe hell. My shoes we're killing me! At first I tried to endure it for some time...but it got worse. I was at a point where walking barefoot around KLCC doesn't seem like a bad idea. So I did just that, I removed my shoes and walked barefoot. I just ignored the stares people gave me. After Zuhur prayers, I bought slippers from Guardian Pharmacy and wore that. The stares didn't lessen, but it intensified. I think that was because of the slippers. Those slippers were bright baby blue with bright orange soles...hmm, what d'you expect? those slippers were meant to be worn at the beach, under sunny skies and white sand..not at a modern international shopping complex like KLCC.
But I really didn't give a damn. At least I was out of shoe hell..thank GOD.
When I got back home that night, I was flattened out, limp like a pancake. However, thinking back about it: spending time with my friends and supervisors; I wouldn't trade it for the world :)

There are times when I hoped life was simpler.
But what exactly makes it so hard?
Dunno.
But maybe the world could be liken to a big factory.
Surely you know that all factories have a QC (Quality Control) department right?
All the products that don't pass certain tests or don't measure up to the required standards would not be released to the public.
Everything had to be checked: its stability, durability, reactivity, content, level of safety for its intended use and also aesthetics.
If it passed all these stringent tests, then it would be packed nicely and sold.
However, if it doesn't then into the dustbin you go!
So if we should take this analogy and apply it to life, then picture yourself as the product. Your fate is determined by your performance at QC. If you succeed, you'll go to heaven. Then if you don't then you'd be chucked into the dustbin..err.. hell.
You won't always know what you were tested for, what you need to know is that you need to pass the test.
I hope you pass with flying colours, and remember that it is not wrong to have some fun while you're at it.
As one of my friend once said, "Don't burden your heart too much."

Hari ni ada accident kecil di lab.
Ada kebakaran kecil berlaku sebab tiub getah gas tercabut dan api membakar gas yang keluar.
Kataku kecil, tapi situasi menjadi lebih mendebarkan kerana dikeliling api itu botol methanol bersusun.
Masa kebakaran itu, semua seperti tergamam. Beku. Seolah terpesona dengan tarian api yang marak. Xde siapa pun yang membuat apa2 untuk menghentikan api itu, yang ada cuma jeritan2 tentang apa yang sepatutnya dilakukan.
Tapi xde siapa yang bergerak.
Aku pun sama, berdiri seperti bengong. Sampailah tersentak dengan jeritan Kak Siti, "Alih botol methanol tu! Alih botol methanol tu!"
Aku pun bersegera alihkan satu botol methanol yang paling dekat denganku. Masa tu Kak Mila dah ambil kertas utk cuba padamkan api, api makin marak mulanya then eventually api itu padam dan Kak Mila pun tutupkan gas. Nasib baik Kak Mila bergerak pantas. Aku mensyukuri fakta itu kerana paip gas itu sebenarnya sebahagian network paip yang ada diseluruh fakulti. Kalau api itu masuk dalam paip itu, kemungkinan seluruh fakulti boleh meletup.
Maka tiadalah lagi saya dimuka bumi ini. Masa yang diberi sudah habis.
*********
Tapi, kenapa semua hanya berdiri?
Kalau tangan terkena panas, tangan akan serta-merta alihkan dari kepanasan itu sebelum rasa sakit itu dapat register dalam otak kita.
Itu sebahagian defense mechanism badan.
Kalau situasi terlalu mengejutkan (cthnya menerima berita kematian org yg disayangi), sesetengah individu pengsan kerana dirinya tidak mampu deal dengan perkara itu. Padahal dia xplan pun nak pengsan, cuma badannya ada mechanism yang tertentu untuk menyelamatkn diri.
Kenapa kami hanya berdiri?
Kalau tengok filem, kalau dalam scene ada batu besar yang akan jatuh menimpa, mangsa akan melihat dulu batu itu yang sangat laju menuju ke arahnya dengan pandangan yang blur n terkejut. Padahal penonton2 kt rumah ni habis dah menjerit, "pergi, pergi! lari! nanti mati!!"
Tapi mangsa itu mesti akan merenung dulu perkara yang kemungkinan akan mengambil nyawanya, barulah bertindak.
Kenapa?
Bukankah secara logiknya kita akan pantas bertindak menyelamatkan diri, xde nak tenung2 dulu benda yang mungkin menyebabkan nyawa kita melayang?
Memanglah, mechanism fight or flight yang dijanakan oleh adrenalin ini perlu diaktifkan oleh minda. Otak perlu beri signal, "Bahaya!" barulah kaki akn respons dengan berlari sekuat hati. Bila otak sudah beri signal, "Selamatkannya!" barulah tangan dan kaki bergerak untuk usaha menyelamat.
Tapi macam lambat sangat responsnya.

Tadi, dialog yang kedengaran ialah, "Kite tergamam", "Lansung xdapat nak buat apa- apa tadi" dan "Terkejut".
Memang betul, seperti diri jadi bengong.
Yang dalam fikiran, tidak mampu diterjemahkan dengan perlakuan.
Bagi diri ini, itulah 30 saat paling lama yang pernah dilalui.

I'm Yours by Jason Mraz

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
and now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
Nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love
Listen to the music of the moment maybe sing with me
A la peaceful melodies
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love love

So I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm sure
No need to complicate
Our time is short
It can not wait, I'm yours

Well no no, well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment come and dance with me
A la one big family (2nd time: A la happy family)
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved love love love

I won't hesitate no more
Oh no more no more no more
It's your God-forsaken right to be loved, I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

No I won't hesitate no more, no more
This cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours, I'm yours

:)
This is a feel good song. While listening to this song, it seemed like the colours are a little brighter, the skies a little clearer and life seem to make sense.
Sweet, sweet feeling.
So is life really that simple?
Maybe.
Sometimes it helps to break down big things to little pieces and tackle them a little piece at a time.
Or another approach that work for me is to imagine that your worries or burden are luggages that you have to carry on your backs whenever you go.
I think that is why it is not uncommon to see people with problems walk so slowly, dejectedly, head bowed down and leaden feet dragged one after the other. These people have real burdens that they have to carry. What weigh heavy in our heart, would somehow be apparent in our actions, often without us realizing it.
So, sometimes my friend, you just have to leave those heavy baggages of your heart outside the door and have fun and relax for a while. Be free, if only for a second. Then, when you are not exhausted anymore and things seem clearer, you should go back to the door where you left the baggage and lift those baggages up your back again. However this time, try to think of a way to solve the problem and do it, so that you could leave that particular baggage behind and lighten up your load.
Makes sense?
I hope it does :)

Slm
Just a quick post before i commence to my labwork..

Anyone in a state of SEEKING can never be happy. Only those who are constantly FINDING are fulfilled. And finding is not something that happens to us- it is something we DO.
Alan Cohen

Looking at the things that happen to me, I discovered that even after 24 years of living in this world, the simple lessons in life still surprise me. I'm still learning and my tutors are the people around me young and old. It seems that pearls of wisdom does not always come from the old and supposedly wise. Everything and everyone in life has something to teach you, it is only a matter of whether you realize it or not.
So instead of seeking happiness, make it a point to find happiness. Be happy and proud of the little achievements and luxuries that you have the fortune to experience. Be thankful and happy for the little things of life like having a tasty breakfast or seeing the sun rise or having great friends. Instead of seeking answers, find answers. Sometimes the things that are right in front of us are those that we fail to see. People are always sacrificing one thing in hope to get the other. But while you are striving to be better or get better things, do not forget to be thankful with what you have or had. You are given a chance. Don't waste it. Taste and savor each moment of your life and work hard. Only when you are tired will you know the simple pleasures of rest. Only when you are sad you long to be happy. Only when you are sick you remember how it was when you were healthy.
I think that as we continue to the end of our life, some things become clearer, some things become more incomprehensible, some things get embedded in our minds and some things are just forgotten. But sometimes it is best to let go. Let go, let it be, leave it to the Almighty and move on with the lesson engraved on your heart and mind. Like the lyrics of the song The Great Escape from Boys Like Girls :

All of the wasted time
The hours that were left behind
The answers that we'll never find
They don't mean a thing tonight

So just remember that sometimes the big things don't matter. It is just a part of a bigger plan. So long as you've done your best and gave all you can, then be heartened that there is nothing more that you could do.