A cup of Java with a dash of complicated

I heard from someone that you're a coffee lover.
And so I thought, why not we enjoy it together?
I was happy, even looking forward to it.

But you second guessed me and asked me difficult questions like, "Why do you love coffee?" Or "Why do you want to drink coffee with me?" Or the hardest of them all, "After coffee, what next?"
I was dismayed and sad, because I don't really want to think of all the answers.

I just want a cuppa, remember?

And I just thought that having it with someone else would be nice.
We could talk about the weather,  share on how was our day, talk about the world and see whether we could come up with some solutions. Simple, beautiful, no strings attached.

But now, as I sit here in the familiar ambience of a coffee shop with a steaming cup in my hand I thought to myself, "Oh well. Enjoying this coffee alone is not the worse thing that can happen" while sneaking a glance at the door from time to time; searching for your smile.

Thinking too far outside the box?

I wish people can communicate using brainwaves or chemical cues. I think that would ease the burden of choosing the right words and the appropriate body language. And along with that is an innate capacity for tolerance and acceptance.

Would that be better?

No more misheard words.

No more mistaken intentions.

No more misplaced actions and emotions.

Everything moves in rhythm, in its own orbit and never colliding with the fate of another.

Meaning that what is meant to be, just happens simply. No more endless waiting for something that we are not sure will come.

A blissful place.

.

.

.

However, the randomness of my thoughts have brought me to the conclusion that that kind of life is kinda mechanical and too factory-like.

If everything goes according to our Utopian dreams, who will go to the heights of paradise, or fill the depths of hell or just wait out in purgatory until the balance tips toward whatever you deserved?

.

.

.

But,

I still think that communicating with brainwaves may just be the next best thing. It may sound insane now but it has been cloaked throughout time under an alias: the subconscious. I sometimes believe it when they say that whenever you remember someone, they remember you too.

It's like dialing a person's number. Sometimes they answer, sometimes they missed it or maybe sometimes, they just hang up.

But hey, at least they know you called. Or they think you did.

The mystery would be the only saving grace. The ambiguity of it all is open to interpretation and of course, open to chance ;)

Dare to rise and fly

If you are sad, do you look up or do you look down to lift your spirits up again?

Maybe the answer is the same with what you think of whether a glass is half full or half empty.

For me myself, it is not fixed. Sometimes all I see is a glass filled with something, not caring about the volume.

Well, something is better than nothing right?

Some people, especially the motivated and competitive ones would usually lift themselves up after looking up: see something not yet within their reach, striving to grab at it. Or seeing someone getting more than them, makes the drive to succeed stronger.

Another type of people would feel better when they see that the state they are in are not worse than others i.e looking down and that makes them thankful for what they have and sometimes it makes them strive harder too.

But there is another type I think: the ones that are oblivious of what other people around them have or don't have. These people have a benchmark that defined uniquely by them, a target made solely based on their priorities. Most of the time this target is to overcome self; to be better than thyself in the past. You yourself is the biggest critic. However, you also have to be your biggest fan or else what you end up doing is just clobbering yourself down and be your own worst enemy. Balance people, the keyword is balance!

But, the question that arises is what if what makes us down is out of our control? Maybe it is a person that is bugging you so much that it makes you want to tear your hair out or an unlucky chain of events that spiraled out of hand.

Maybe, just maybe it would be better for the preservation of our sanity that we retain some ability to pull ourselves up without requiring too much. Don't be too affected by the things revolving around us and at the same time not being too cold towards it either. The only thing we have control over is the way we react to things, how we conduct ourselves when faced with tough decisions, tough situations, tough people. The important thing is to keep moving, even at a snails pace. You would still be in front of those standing still, ever closer to your target.

So I think I'll leave you with something to think about:

Time is swift, it races by; Opportunities are born and die... Still you wait and will not try - A bird with wings who dares not rise and fly

~A. A. Milne

The opposite of two

What is the opposite of two? A lonely me, a lonely you. ~Richard Wilbur

There is nobody in the house, they've all gone out somewhere. Initially I planned to dine with my labmates but they were held up at the lab; they have an important discussion with our supervisor. As my tummy was grumbling all sorts of music, I had to go grab a bite and left. I switched to plan B, which was to buy eggs and just cook up something very basic and oh-so-single like an egg sandwich. But then as I pulled my car beside the shop, the hawker stalls lining the opposite side of the street was so inviting that I didn't even resist the temptation. Naturally I switched to plan C: buy food and be the true bachelorette ;)

I bought nasi lemak ayam berempah and 5 sticks of satay (no comments please, I told you I didn't even resist! haha) and it made me happy. Yes, just like that I was happy. As Fazleen always say; "hee..easily pleased!". Ah well, I sure don't need much to put a smile on my face, that is for sure :) But alongside that happiness, I was also kinda sad due to the loneliness of having to buy your own food and eating silently in front of the TV. Maybe because I am so used to eating with the whole family that dining alone is a sharp contrast.

This is the reason why I hate eating on my own, I'd rather not eat. During Samarahan days, I'd wait up for Fizah to come to my room before buying food and eating together afterwards. She'd make fun of me and say, "haha, kesiannya die xde kawan nk ajak makan." Cis kn? But I don't mind, it was my luck that I got a room separated from my friends. Nasib la Fizah sanggup juga layan aku makan, u r the best! If u r a guy I swear I'd marry you hahaha

And so here I am, in front of the tv, blogging nonsense while gathering the will to do some work after this. Gotta keep moving!

I wonder, can someone forget how to live?

It's been awhile since I've posted anything remotely useful here. Back in the day I used to go on and on about the things that cross my mind as I seem to have an opinion on everything. Now this web space is filled with indicators of the ups and downs of my erratic patterned moods.

Not a very pleasant thing, I know, especially for some that come looking for a sparring of ideas or changed perspective.

However, I want to state now that when the capacity of the mind is spent on endless acrobatics of mental processes that goes hand in hand with postgraduate study that by the end of the day the very essence of life seem to seep away from your being, then there is none left to ponder on other things. This is why usually you see PhD candidates and sometimes even MSc candidates move around like zombies, mumbling incomprehensibles and often only communicate using eye movements and facial expressions. Most energy is spent in the head, you see. Everything else only runs with the bare minimum.

But I'm thankful that finally my life isn't devoured fully by my responsibilities of completing my thesis. Slowly but surely I'm chipping away at the high walls around me and I think I saw a light shining somewhere. I try to make time for other things because I think that to put a part of life on hold while tinkering on another is not a very good idea. It'd be hard to catch up on life because it moves with time, it never stops just because you tell it to. So never let it pass you by because who knows, maybe you'd be out of practice and have to do it all over again. Living, I mean, not the thesis haha ;)

Monster in the mirror

the monster in the mirror. by =Pretty-As-A-Picture on deviantART

Battle not with monsters, lest ye become a monster, and if you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you

~Friedrich Nietzsche

When I came across this quotation before I didn't really understand it. However, recent unfolding of events made me think of this quote and understand it more than ever before.

I am now very very frustrated with someone. In my rebel against this person's conduct I think I have become a worse person. This person is truly uninspiring and I am sick of the attitude problem that seem to get worse everyday. Compound all this with the fact that this person is wayyy older than I am and I think that this person should have known better. As I view this person's life through my tainted vision, I don't see any bright future or even a glimmer of success because in my heart I think that this person would pass over all the opportunities to the wind and be left barren.

However, my rebel toward this person couldn't be done in face to face combat so I resorted to passive aggressiveness without realizing it. I started withdrawing my participation, delaying any response, procrastinate the execution of responsibilities tasked on me: basically developing a chronic attitude disorder of my own. I started slowly to become the things I hate. Angels can't win in the clash of monstrous creatures and so that was what I slowly turning into.

But like a jolt of electrocution I was stunned into realization this morning. It dawned on me that there is no use trying to change people when they are beyond that. It is not my responsibility to see this person through or support this person in their flimsy illusion. There is no use being rebellious of things that will not change. Change can only come from within and trying to force it would only make us be like the things we attempt to change.

What is in your power is yourself. If they do not want to be the person they should have been, there is no reason to follow in their path to nowhere. I have to fulfill what is required of me because what I become in the end is my own devising. Blame is lame.

So what I have to do now is make a major U-turn and reset my course. I'll do my part beautifully and those who won't can just get lost in their solitary universe. I vow to NEVER BE LIKE THAT PARTICULAR PERSON.

I googled 26

yes, today I'm supposed to be toiling away extracting RNA that's due for report on Monday. But wth. I'm gonna do it tomorrow, seriously :p

However, i find myself googling 26, which is a significant number for me this year as I was born on 26th Jan and I'm turning 26 years old this year.

Some things I find interesting about this number is:

1. Pierre de Fermat proved 26 is the only single number between a square (25 = 5² ) and a cube (27 = 3³ )

Hahaha, c'mon, "the ONLY single number". 26 is sure special :p

2. A rhombicuboctahedron has 26 sides.

I didn't realize that such a polygon exists.

3. The number 26 is the atomic number of iron

...and the fact that I have iron deficiency is just so ironic.

4. 26 is the "joke throw" in the game of darts, where a player throws 20, 5 and 1 when aiming for 20 (or treble 20). In professional darts, throwing 26 usually results in sneers or laughter from the audience.

5. Precipitevolissimevolmente with 26 letters is the longest word in the Italian language. it means "as fast as possible"

6. There are 26 letters in the alphabet and there's even an association called 26, which is an association for people with love of words.

I wonder, is this the reason I like reading and writing? huhuhu, nonsense :p

7. 26 January is Australia Day

I must go there sometime

.

.

.

Oh, and I have the same birthday as Ellen DeGeneres. So as a parting quote, this is what she said:

The good psychic would pick up the phone before it rang. Of course it is possible there was noone on the other line. Once she said "God Bless you" I said, "I didn't sneeze" She looked deep into my eyes and said, "You will, eventually." And damn it if she wasn't right. Two days later I sneezed.

~Ellen DeGeneres, My Point and I Do Have One

Enjoy your holidays, everyone! :)

The point of anything

What we feel isn't important. It's utterly unimportant. The only question is what we do. If people like you don't learn from what happened to people like me, then what the hell is the point of anything?

~The Reader 2008

What is really the point of anything?

We live and see other people die and then we follow. There is no end to that cycle. The dead would be succeeded by the living.

Don't we ever learn from that cycle?

I don't know, but for me I think all of the problems plaguing the world or ourselves today are not new problems at all. It is always either caused by greed or impatience or foolishness or disillusionment or negligence or apathy or some other basic emotion ( I could go on with these basic state of humans but I think you get the message, eh?)

Someone, somewhere must have been through the exact same thing one time or another because of more or less the same reason. So after we leave from being one state of existence to another, why don't we ever learn from our surroundings, from other people's experiences and avoid the things that are proven time and again as wrong and futile?

We are supposed to be the only ones among the creatures of the earth to be able to learn so well and invent things so that we can destroy them at another time with another great invention. But why do we keep wasting our time going through the things that other people have known as mistakes?

I noticed the general nature of our problems because when I watch a movie or hear a song or read a book, I can identify with them. Why are we able to identify with the problems or situations of people so far apart from us that sometimes we don't even know how the sun looks like when it set at the other side of the world? It is because we are not that different. It is frustrating to see the same ol' problems/ situations treated as if it is so novel. C'mon, you're trying to tell me that in all of the 4.6 billion years (give or take 0.1 billion :P) since earth came to being, someone hasn't come across that before? Someone, somewhere, somehow would know how to fix it.

I am not talking about the problems that came about as technology and knowledge advances: I am saying that the root, the innermost cause of effect, what is left after the problem/situation is stripped of all its fancies and just laid bare for all to see is essentially the same across times, across continents.

Even ancient love stories, legends and the melodies seem so familiar. If we are different, all of those things would be foreign, and we'll seek to understand. But often there is no need for that, everything is universal. There are no races or color, there is only human. And that human hasn't changed much to be really considered as different.

See?

Life is not complicated, we are complicated. The solution is always so simple that it is easy to overlook it. The answer is so clear that sometimes we get suspicious and insist of looking for other options, we are thickheaded that way (yes, me included :p).

I think this is why the Quran is very universal and it is still relevant until today even though during the olden days there were never any comprehension about the effects of globalization. It is the word of God, our Creator. So definitely the Creator would know everything about the creation. However, as the solution is given to us, so simple a thing as just living in line with the true path, we tend to overlook it and not even consider it. It's like someone giving you a bag of gold coins: you can't believe your luck that you have to think that maybe the guy's lying and the gold must be fake or stolen from somebody. But what if it is really a real gift that would put you out of your sorry state?

People always insist they are different, that each of our problems are bigger than the world put together. However, what we feel is utterly unimportant when contrasted with the universe and the natural cycle of things.

Will we ever learn?

Dancing in a minefield

I mistrust myself to act accordingly in a distrustful environment.
It's like you're waging a defensive war against a force that would pounce on you on any time that you miss a step.
Take one step forward, but then two steps back.
Ever watchful of your back.
Glance to the right, you see people whispering and you feel unsafe. A glance to the left, you see people smiling and you feel suspicious.
What the hell is going on?
All you trust is yourself, but it's lonely at the top.
But the silence keeps secrets.
That is what's important.

2009: One hand in my pocket and everything's fine ;)

Lyrics | Alanis Morissette lyrics - One Hand In My Pocket lyrics
I'm tired like a dead fish.
Hehe, nevertheless I'm happy because it's 2010, people! hahaha
I'm happy because I like a major change now and then. I like it when things start to feeling stagnant and stuffy, suddenly a big wave of change come and wash it all away and I have ample room to start all over again.
Like the Japanese in the novel Shogun by James Clavell: they build paper houses because the ground they live on is always catastrophically destroyed by earthquakes. So everytime it shakes and bring them to the ground, they always build their houses again with patience and a silent understanding, a new home have to be built after the old one has gone. It is just something that has to happen, so just embrace it ;)
Looking back at 2009, it certainly have its own flavor and it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste. Overall, the past year has been the most challenging in my career path and also financially. However, it's been a very good year for family related matters even if it stinks in my personal love life.
As far as personal development goes, I think I've grown as a person. For instance:
I'm more in control of my rebellious streak even though it put me in fire sometimes. Especially in lab meetings :p
I'm more cool headed and surprisingly decisive.I've just found this one out during HKWCJ 12:I've never had so many people shouting and screaming at me at the same time until their faces turn red and I can almost see smoke rising from their noses and ears. But it's part and parcel of being the Games committee, you know protests are inevitable. You just got to hold your ground, believe in yourself and make sure your team is in full support of you. That is of the essence and actually I couldn't believe we managed to pull through ;)
Tawakal is important. As Alanis quite aptly said:

What it all boils down to is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

I've had moments when I feel most alone in the world, the most poor, the most wrecked. But hey, I know it's always just a phase and those kind of things don't last. Things have a way of working out to be the best in the end.
Life ain't like the movies and it would not leave you hanging. All things will end, we just have to believe that the beginning of something else is coming right after that.
So, the most important thing to remember is to put a big smile on you face and say, Hello 2010! :)

Washing dirty laundry in public ain't sexy

Sometimes I am disillusioned: I somehow still think that my blog is not of interest to anyone but a few. However, due to the recent enlightenment on cybersecurity I made the decision of screening the contents of my life and thoughts that I dump in here.
Actually I think of this blog as an outlet to dump all the trash messing my mind. So, in a moment of indiscretion I could potentially put me and the ones around me in danger.
Such is the power of the written word: it could be twisted and viewed in multiple perspectives to achieve a purpose.
So, the result is a sister blog here.
What is most unique and appealing about blogging at wordpress.com is that I can password-protect selected posts. So, whenever I have potentially damaging things to say about the world around me, I can password protect it! ;)
And I also uploaded all the things I wrote since I was first introduced to the blogging world. I never thought that it has been a long time: I've been blogging for 4 years now! (yes, compared to others I am relatively new. but still, I never thought it's been 4 years already :p).
I think that I will not abandon this one just yet as I haven't get used to the features and I'm still trying to navigate my way through wordpress.
So that is all: a creation of another blog.
What will happen next? Change is the only constant ;)

Ghosts of old friends past

Yesterday I went to a solat hajat function at my dad's friend's house at Laman Seri. I never thought I'd bump into anyone, so I was surprised to see three of my old schoolmates turning up there.
Haha, in truth I was shy, that is why I pretended not to see them. Kinda cruel eh? But they did the same thing too. So I didn't feel so guilty.
However, at the end of the function, those guys went for a tour of the house. I envy them, as they had a first class view of the house, which by the way costs RM 1.2 million. Yes, million. But only just for the house, for renovation Uncle Topa had to rake in another million. So, all in all the house I went yesterday costs RM 2 million! Gile kan. That is the main reason I went hehe, yela, mane nak dapat peluang pergi rumah juta-juta kan?
After those guys completed the tour, I was at the dining table helping myself to very generous helpings of brownies, watermelon and pulasan. I didn't know anyone there, so me and my sister stuck like a leech to my mom, she's the only one talking. So, rather than waste my time listening to endless chatter I distracted myself by eating those sweet fruits :)
Then Aisyah, daughter of my dad's friend called me to say that those guys said that they know me as their old schoolmate but was too shy to talk to me. Haha, I didn't realize boys can also be shy. Sama lah kita! Haha
I just brushed aside my fear of potential embarassment and awkwardness and just went up to talk to them. My God, they were a funny lot! Both sides were shy so maybe that is why it all went on like it did. We talked, but we never sat down even after the conversation went on for a long time. I don't know why, but one of them said that even when they were working they never sat down. Ah well, what can I say, even if they were pulling my leg I can't tell. They joke incessantly, with poker faces that don't betray their humour. It's like watching a sketch, all of them have just the right chemistry: macam Sepah Raja Lawak. (I don't know what thay'd do if they knew what I said hahaha).
I asked news about old schoolmates as I didn't know much. I am really bad at keeping in touch, that I know. It's not that I don't want to, but somehow I just got carried away with the current flow of life that those I left behind just drifted apart... sad eh? I think that they thought I didn't bother to keep in touch. For having given all of you that perspective, I am so sorry.
However, at the end one of them asked me if I was single. I was stunned. They were very direct and sometimes the earlier conversations felt like an interrogation. I was at loss as how to answer the Q. In my head: if I said I attached, that'd be lying. But if I said I was single, wouldn't that be desperate? Oh, s**t.
In retrospective, I should've handled it as a joke right? Along the lines of: "apasal? Ko nak ngorat aku ke?" or "why? ur available?" hahahaha, seriously, that'll render them speechless. I don't think they are familiar with my ability to drop bombs like that (bombs that sometimes burn me too huhu).
I ended up evading to answer the question. I just smiled a smile with a thousand meanings. But then, he said with all the drama he can muster, the best advice I've had about being single:

It's ok to be single

Haha! Plain brilliant! If I can I'd salute you!
...We didn't exchange numbers, thay didn't ask me directly, they only implied it. Being the blur person that I am, I don't know what to do. However, thay did say they'll add me at Facebook. Were they just joking? Beats me. I can't tell! Nevertheless, I tried searching for them and add them myself. Just to show goodwill between friends. I really appreciate that they talked to me, I was unable to do so on my own. Who would've thought that the ones that crossed our lives in the past would do so now in the present? Hope that all the friends that I've made in the past, would be with me always in the future :)

Cloudy path ahead

You're the kind of person who just can't settle for anything less than the whole shebang. That's the way you are on a daily basis, but the way you're feeling now ... well, let's just say that you won't even be able to fake being satisfied if you're not. And that will be true for just about any department of life. When it comes down to the issue of love, you seek genuine connections

Haha...this is kinda eerie. Btw, this is my horoscope for today. I sure don't need the stars telling me something that I already feel but fail to articulate. Words pertaining to abstract emotions or other intangible feelings don't come easily to me.
So much on my mind: the dead end that I foresee ahead, the unsatisfactory current situations and the fear of the future when I'll be thrust with responsibilities that I am unsure I can carry or not.

Can I do my part when it is asked of me? Or will I fail miserably?
I pray that all goes well. InsyaAllah.

3 wishes

As someone in Wonderland said to Alice, it's best to try to believe at least three impossible things before breakfast. The funny thing is once you let yourself believe them, they don't seem all that impossible to begin with. The first step is to let yourself believe that such benevolence is in store for you. So go ahead -- what are three wonderful, lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that you want in your life?

This is my horoscope for today.
You got to admit, it's an interesting question right?
If I dare to list 3 wonderful, lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that I want in my life, I will put:

- A fairytale love story only possible in books, but minus the evil magicians and trolls.
You know, if I could wish it then I'll choose the first meeting for me and my prince (oh, mcm geli pulak haha) would be what Eli Wallach said in The Holiday (2006):

Say a man and a woman both need something to sleep in and both go to the same men's pajama department. The man says to the salesman, "I just need bottoms," and the woman says, "I just need a top." They look at each other and that's the 'meet cute.'

Wahaha! That, I know is definitely a lovely and no-way-that-could-happen-to-me things that I want (yes, I am actually a hopeless romantic) :p

- A fully sponsored trip around the world with no strings attached
It's really tempting to just pack up and go anywhere you want with the ones you care about right? Just to go around seeing beautiful historical places like Greece or Paris or Venice (basically anywhere) with family and friends, followed by a delicious and extraordinary dinner at a fancy restaurant and then end the day at a mega expensive hotel in the presidential suite. I would savor every moment and take pictures of every detail so that when finally reality knocks on the door, there's a way to escape and reminisce the times past.

- Graduate within the next 5 months and then work at a fabulously posh office that has a big window with a beautiful view and of course, a salary that is more than RM5k!
I think it'll be heaven on earth if I could get this last wish. Enough said.

But hey, dreams and hopes are prayers our heart gives silently. So maybe, just a tiny definitely maybe, dreams can come true due to the relentless wanting of the heart :)

Reminder to self: renovation's in order!

Some people just seem perfect.
Even after the hardest ordeals, that leave us ordinary mortal beings drenching with sweat and look as though a stampede of elephants have trampled all over you: these people still have flawless hair, a nicely shaped tudung and no sweat spots whatsoever.
All that I can say is: wow.
Me? I'm always comot. Especially after a rough day at the lab that make me uncaring of my physical appearance. A big part of it may be because I sincerely believe no one is watching and no one truly care how I turn up at work. We graduate students (if not all, then ok, just me :P) tend to flower the backgrounds, lurking in the shadows of our lab until the time we emerge suddenly at graduation. Like a butterfly escaping a cacoon. heh.
Aiyoh, that's not good right?
Hm..
Why do we need to be beautiful anyway? No use complying to the twisted fantasies of the masses about the picture of the perfect girl.
Well, my answer to this is simply because we can and we have to.
Because...
Everyone of us is an ambassador, a symbol to all that we believe in. So if your appearance looks as though you've just been mauled by a tiger or just fell down a gutter, will people respect you and even take a minute to hear what you have to say? People love generalizations. It is easier, coz that way they won't waste anytime or energy trying to figure you out. So think of how it would reflect on your beliefs if you're always careless with what you project from yourself.
Have respect, to yourself especially. Don't do an injustice by intentionally being unkempt. If you are given the gift of complete sets of body parts and all are fully functioning, no one can tell you that you're less than beautiful. Psst..but don't go around telling people that, or you'll turn ugly automatically huhuhu.
Sure, it is hard to be like the aforesaid "perfect" beings. So maybe I'll just settle with being "comfortably elegant" or "comfortably stylish" ==> even if there's nobody watching. Haha.

Biar jelas

Sangat setuju dengan artikel ini.
Hahaha, mmg best kata-kata ustaz, "Selamat menduda kerana-Nya"
kalau perempuan, takkan nak kata "Selamat menjanda kerana-Nya"?
Memang susah untuk jadi ganjil. Menjadi berlawanan daripada arus bukanlah sesuatu yang fitrah, kita kena paksakannya.
Sebenarnya yang setuju sangat tu bukan apa, cuma sangat tertarik pada approach ustaz. Memang perlu beri isyarat yang jelas, tiada kiasan-kiasan apabila melibatkan soal hati. Kalau dah sampai takat dia meluahkan perasaannya, janganlah bersikap zalim dengan alasan mahu "menjaga hati" lalu memberi isyarat-isyarat yang boleh ditafsir seribu makna. Nak ke taknak? Sebab dia akan tunggu kau. Kalau taknak, cakap dengan jelas. Boleh move on, kau pun mungkin bukanlah yang paling baik untuk dia.
Tentang hal ber'couple' sebelum kahwin, I'm 50-50. Still thinking about it. Bagus juga kalau kenal, tapi kalau sampai "kenal" melampaui batas, pastilah tidak setuju. Tengok dari perspektif mana pun, pakai logik mana pun: perempuan juga yang rugi. Ingat tu.

Complicated

When something is so complicated, what do you do?
Do you go angry at that thing for being so complicated that you couldn't figure it out? Do you go around and say: "You are too complicated, it is your fault. I wont waste my time anymore with you" ?
Haha.
Funny are those with simplistic minds. Something so big can't be fit into something so small. Open up! Be free of your ideals. Let them guide you, careful not to be trapped by them.

If in my line of work I adhere to this line of thinking, I'd quit in no time. Abstract and complex situations in nature won't bow to old concepts. Everyday is a challenge, don't let your mind trap you into thinking that something should follow a predetermined set of rules: "It is supposed to like this, suppose to be like that, shouldn't be like this, shouldn't act like that...yada yada yada"
Remember, you are just one insignificant person: you can not thrust your ideals into someone else because what you consider right might not be so for other. Don't be so egoistic.
Do not be afraid of change. The world won't stop just because you can't catch up.
Celebrate the differences in each of us because that is what makes each of us unique. I won't change myself for your sake.
Dynamics is the order of the world. Everything moves in motion. Change is the only constant.
**********

I've been stuck at a certain point of my research for over a year now. Yes, it is complicated. But will the PCR simplify itself for me? Will the reagents realize how much effort I've given the method and sympathize? The answer is a flat no. But that doesn't stop me, I'm going to figure it out. Somehow. I don't know how, but I'd try. Try until there's nothing left of me.
Like Sha said to me, "You sure you've done everything? Everything?"
I can't honestly say I did. I don't sleep in the lab, I don't dedicate all the 24hours of my life for this particular problem. In truth, I admit that I've not given it my everything. So I have no excuse: I have to keep trying.

...And then we wait.

A piece of me, anyone?

If all through the day all you can think about is how to get your next meal, where to sleep tonight and whether tomorrow you have to think about this all over again... how would you find the time to think about other things?
This is why poverty strips the people of the chance of realizing its full potential. They are thinking about how to survive the next day, so they don't give a damn about the rest of the world. If it is hard to even stand up, how in the world could we move forward?

Right?

If all your days are filled with reminders of unfinished work, unmet deadlines and constant nagging of superiors...how could we think about anything else but work?
This is why people engrossed in only one thing in life would only get what they busted their asses for. These people won't or can't even spare a minute for their hobbies or anything they like doing: reading a good book or writing a good entry in their blog. In their minds, these "minor" things is dwarfed by the desire to excel in their chosen fields.

But I want more. I need more.

Sometimes, I feel guilty. I can't seem to balance my life to include all required elements that would make my life whole. I don't blame anyone, it is my failure and my failure alone.
I cant seem to multitask! How to plan my life in such a way that it'll be balanced?
Sometimes I see myself like a pie: I would cut myself into little pieces and give it out for everyone that wants me. Right now, I don't know who's getting the biggest piece.

What every element (family, self, work) demand from me is not anything more than what they should get from me. What they want is something that I should give them in the first place; they should not even have to ask it from me in the first place because it is my duty, my responsibility to them. Them: family, supervisor, friends, self.
Pada diriku ada hak- hak mereka yang perlu aku tunaikan untuk mereka.
Janganlah diriku ini sampai zalim: meletakkan sesuatu bukan pada tempatnye; memberi atau menahan sesuatu bukan pada yang sepatutnya.

Ya Allah, peliharalah diriku dari itu. Amin.

Brainwashed: The aftermath

Yesterday my labmates and I got brainwashed [you must work in a better way, what they did was for the best for all, they are good people...yada yada yada].
Did the session succeed? Well, I don't know.
As I see it, people tend to look at the same event with different lenses. So, because of this they see different things. Because of this simple reason I think the brainwashing session won't give the same effect to everyone.
To me, when I stepped into the room I bring with me a set of emotions, knowledge and past experiences that act as a lens for me to view the situation. Different people have different set of emotion, knowledge and experience so they possess lens that are different from me.
When I talked to some of my labmates, the conclusions they drew from the meeting was different from me; sometimes even something that I've never thought before.
From this experience I could see the importance of communication: each party MUST understand wth the other party is talking about and what is their true intention. This must be made clear and articulated clearly. It is even better to put it in writing so that things would not go out of focus.
If not, the grey areas left behind as loops between the blacks and whites of a situation would give ample room for speculation. Speculation leads to what? Distorted image and chaos in addition to needless hurt and tortured souls (sorry for the exaggeration :p ).
Surely, we don't want that in an organization. Otherwise, the organization would be weak. Like a house made of paper that would be destroyed when tested with just a gust of wind or a splash of rain. Gone.

One step at a time
by Jordin Sparks

Hurry up and wait
So close, but so far away
Everything that you’ve always dreamed of
Close enough for you to taste
But you just can’t touch

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

You believe and you doubt
You’re confused, you got it all figured out
Everything that you always wished for
Could be yours, should be yours, would be yours
If they only knew

You wanna show the world, but no one knows your name yet
Wonder when and where and how you’re gonna make it
You know you can if you get the chance
In your face as the door keeps slamming
Now you’re feeling more and more frustrated
And you’re getting all kind of impatient waiting

[Chorus]
We live and we learn to take
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
On step at a time

When you can’t wait any longer
But there’s no end in sight
It’s the faith that makes you stronger
The only way you get there
Is one step at a time

[Chorus]
Take one step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

[Chorus]
One step at a time
There’s no need to rush
It’s like learning to fly
Or falling in love
It’s gonna happen and it’s
Supposed to happen that we
Find the reasons why
One step at a time

Sometimes after a hard day of life, it helps to just step back and look at what you've done so far.
Yeah, I know the desire to show what you worth to the world is overwhelming, you don't want to just be another face in the crowd, another wallflower.
The life we lead now is fast-tracked. Everything' has got to be super-fast, express or instant. Slow is a no-no.
So how to take it one step at a time when all we want to do is run as fast as we could?
It is kinda slow when all need to be in order, one step after the other. Is what the song meant is doing things one at a time, focusing all you have for that ONE goal. Then after it is achieved, focus on another goal. Is that it? Kinda slow eh?
Isn't there a another way, another pathway to bypass the ordinary banalities?
Maybe what the song meant is being patient and rational so that you could tackle the problems one at a time?
Control your heart and actions so that you wouldn't be overwhelmed by what is in front of you. Plan what you do, think things through, take your time to do the best in things. If you rush, then maybe you couldn't give equal attention to all. Solve the big things first, leave the small ones for later. But don't forget about the little things, or it'll come pounce on you one fine day when you are unaware. In other word: PRIORITIZE. Deal with everything, just don't do it all at once. Humans are not high-throughput machines ;)
Remember that we are not perfect, we are constantly given lessons by the people around us, by the things we experience, by the things life throws at us. So learn. Don't stop learning. Be patient, the answers will come...eventually.
Like in the song, if it's supposed to happen, then it's gonna happen. Regardless of what we do. Life isn't easy, deal with it. If it is, that is not life, that is just mere existence.

***************************************************************************

Erti hidup pada perjuangan