Let go and let God.

In truth, 
I am bedazzled by your smile.
Every time I remember it, a pang of disbelief floods my heart: how on earth that your smile is more stunning than mine?

How can I not thought of it that way?  
It is arresting and honest with all kinds of beautiful.
Brightening my days and shining my nights.

Maybe it was meaningful because it was fleeting,
With me one moment and gone the next.

Maybe it was magical because it was futile,
Never to be mine unless with a strange twist of fate.

Maybe it was unreal because the memory polished,
Becoming much more dreamy with every remembrance.

This vision of the past,
heavy with hopes of a future,
Intricated with the complexity of this earthly life.

I was, am grateful for the heaviness of this longing.
A sneak peek of what it would be like to just step into heaven.

For I know that to be worthy of a second chance with you in the afterlife,
An absolute surrender to Allah swt is the only way.
While fighting for that chance,
I will brave anything and everything.

In the end we'll see: am I worthy to drown in your smile again?

Oh dear, my heart

Oh dear,  my heart:
Just hold on a little longer.
I don't think he sees you,
All lit up with the familiar rush of a crush,
A pitiful beautiful mess.
I'd shield you from what I know is coming,
But what good would that do to you?
You need to remember the lesson of waiting,
Because patience is expensive for those who don't know the price,
And justice is lost on those served with it.
Oh dear heart.
You break me when you wait on an answer
From someone oblivious they've been asked. 
Or a more heartwrenching reality; they chose to be blind to your sight and deaf to your call;
Their soul unwilling to destroy another but unwittingly obliterated it in chosen ignorance.

Seeking solace

Love dogs

One night a man was crying Allah. Allah.

His lips grew sweet with the praising,

until a cynic said, "So. I have heard you calling out,

but have you ever gotten any response?"

The man had no answer for that.

He quit praying and fell into a confused sleep

where he dreamed he saw Khidr, the guide of souls,

in a thick green foliage.

"Why did you stop praising?"

"Because I've never heard anything back."

This longing you express

is the return message.

The grief you cry out from

draws you toward union.

Your pure sadness that wants help

is the secret cup.

Listen to the moan of a dog for its master.

That whining is the connection.

There are love dogs no one knows the names of.

Give your life to be one of them.

~Rumi

Sometimes your own words might not be enough. But without the articulation of your thoughts into words, it weighs heavily in the heart. Threatening to overflow like a burst dam, no longer sufficient to hold what's inside.

Silence can only contain so much, at some point of time it has to be broken so new things could be filled into the empty space. Seeking solace in the words of others to understand your own hell, it provides an outlet that is completely necessary. It gives the questions a break from needing answers.

.

.

.

Isn't that a good enough reason?

Hujan bulan Juni

Hujan di Bulan Juni

Tak ada yang lebih tabah

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dirahsiakannya rintik rindunya

Kepada pohon berbunga itu

Tak ada yang lebih bijak

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya

Yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

Tak ada yang lebih arif

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan

Diserap akar pohon bunga itu

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

Jangan diuji hati sendiri. Kau jua yang tahu apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh kau tahankan.

You who never arrived

You who never arrived in my arms,  

Beloved, who were lost from the start, 

I don't even know what songs would please you.  

I have given up trying to recognize you 

in the surging wave of the next moment.  

All the immense images in me-- 

the far-off, deeply-felt landscape, 

cities, towers, and bridges, 

and unsuspected turns in the path, 

and those powerful lands that were once 

pulsing with the life of the gods- 

all rise within me to mean you, 

who forever elude me.  

You, Beloved, 

who are all the gardens I have ever gazed at,

longing. 

An open window in a country house--, 

and you almost stepped out, pensive, to meet me. 

Streets that I chanced upon--,

you had just walked down them and vanished. 

And sometimes, in a shop, 

the mirrors were still dizzy with your presence and, 

startled, gave back my too-sudden image.  

Who knows? 

perhaps the same bird echoed through both of us yesterday, 

separate, 

in the evening..

~Rilke

Everything rushes by as time stood still

THE RAILROAD STATION

My nonarrival in the city of N.

took place on the dot.

You'd been alerted

in my unmailed letter.

You were able not to be there

at the agreed-upon time.

The train pulled up at Platform 3.

A lot of people got out.

My absence joined the throng

as it made its way toward the exit.

Several women rushed

to take my place

in all that rush.

Somebody ran up to one of them.

I didn't know him,

but she recognized him

immediately.

While they kissed

with not our lips,

a suitcase disappeared,

not mine.

The railroad station in the city of N.

passed its exam

in objective existence

with flying colors.

The whole remained in place.

Particulars scurried

along the designated tracks.

~ Wislawa Szymborska

Heart melody

My hearts sings a melody

That is silent to except myself

A song that calls for something

That would lift the skies

And arrange the stars

What is it? you asked

I can't really say

As it is only a silent song

To be with me when I'm lonesome

Aku ingin

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu
kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan
kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

Sapardi Djoko Damono (sasterawan Indonesia)

Lembut bahasanya...
Sebenarnya tak perlu pada kata-kata dashyat atau berlebih-lebihan. Kata-kata yang mudah namun sarat dengan makna pasti lebih senang difahami dan diingati.

Puisi ini seperti membawa makna yang sedih namun indah. Cinta yang tak terluahkan, hanya mampu ditanggap oleh yang mahu mengambil waktu sebentar dari hidup untuk meneliti sekelilingnya: kadang-kadang apa yang tidak nampak nyata tidak semestinya tiada.
.
.
.
Yesterday I watched the movie Definitely, Maybe (2008).
I really think that a decent regular funny guy like Will Hayes (Ryan Reynolds) would really be heaven sent ;)

Promises to keep

Salam

I've deleted my chatbox and also my slideshow at the end of this page. It doesn't seem to serve any significant purpose.

I'm taking a time out for a while. I feel kinda weird.

There's so many that I have to do, even though sometimes I wish I don't have to.

Here's a beautiful poem from Robert Frost:

Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.

The only other sound's the sweep
Of easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.

But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.