Let go and let God.

In truth, 
I am bedazzled by your smile.
Every time I remember it, a pang of disbelief floods my heart: how on earth that your smile is more stunning than mine?

How can I not thought of it that way?  
It is arresting and honest with all kinds of beautiful.
Brightening my days and shining my nights.

Maybe it was meaningful because it was fleeting,
With me one moment and gone the next.

Maybe it was magical because it was futile,
Never to be mine unless with a strange twist of fate.

Maybe it was unreal because the memory polished,
Becoming much more dreamy with every remembrance.

This vision of the past,
heavy with hopes of a future,
Intricated with the complexity of this earthly life.

I was, am grateful for the heaviness of this longing.
A sneak peek of what it would be like to just step into heaven.

For I know that to be worthy of a second chance with you in the afterlife,
An absolute surrender to Allah swt is the only way.
While fighting for that chance,
I will brave anything and everything.

In the end we'll see: am I worthy to drown in your smile again?

Aku ingin

Aku Ingin

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan kata yang tak sempat diucapkan kayu
kepada api yang menjadikannya abu

Aku ingin mencintaimu dengan sederhana
dengan isyarat yang tak sempat disampaikan awan
kepada hujan yang menjadikannya tiada

Sapardi Djoko Damono (sasterawan Indonesia)

Lembut bahasanya...
Sebenarnya tak perlu pada kata-kata dashyat atau berlebih-lebihan. Kata-kata yang mudah namun sarat dengan makna pasti lebih senang difahami dan diingati.

Puisi ini seperti membawa makna yang sedih namun indah. Cinta yang tak terluahkan, hanya mampu ditanggap oleh yang mahu mengambil waktu sebentar dari hidup untuk meneliti sekelilingnya: kadang-kadang apa yang tidak nampak nyata tidak semestinya tiada.
.
.
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Yesterday I watched the movie Definitely, Maybe (2008).
I really think that a decent regular funny guy like Will Hayes (Ryan Reynolds) would really be heaven sent ;)

This quiz is freaking me out

I was tagged by Wanie. The results are disconcerting as it is somewhat the same as what I think myself. Wanna be freaked out like me? Go here.

Your view on yourself:

Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener. They'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.
(As my friend Fazleen once said, "People have different dimensions." Maybe I am being too careful?)

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.
(I do like to think so)

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you meet that person.
(Yes, but I do hope he's wearing a sign with blinking neon lights or something just so that I won't miss him :p )

The seriousness of your love:

You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love. (Exactly!)

Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.

How do you view success:

You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Don't give up when you haven't yet even started! Be courageous.
( I have this dream of being a National Geographic photographer. I don't know if I'll ever have the guts to do it)

What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
(I think this is kinda true. Kinda)

Who is your true self:

You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.
(People often mistake this for indecision but actually when I want to do something, I'd do it. That's why I manage to shop for only 30 min when others take 2 hours!)

Drive

It has been a great and fulfilling raya for me this year :)
I suspect it's because I'm more involved in things now.
I noticed that after recent events that happened to me, I'm beginning to take charge of my life more.
My life motto as of right now is, "I am RESPONSIBLE for my own HAPPINESS."

This is the song that sums it all:

Drive
by Incubus

Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear
And I can't help but ask myself how much
I'll let the fear take the wheel and steer.
It's driven me before, and it seems to have a vague,
haunting mass appeal.
But lately I'm beginning to find that I
should be the one behind the wheel.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

So, if I decide to waiver my chance to be one of the hive
Will I choose water over wine and hold my own and drive?
Aah-ah-oo-o-o.

It's driven me before and it seems to be the way
that everyone else gets around.
But lately I'm beginning to find that when
I drive myself my light is found.

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeahhh
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there...I'll be there.

Would you choose water over wine....hold the wheel and drive?

Whatever tomorrow brings,
I'll be there with open arms and open eyes, Yeah
Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there..I'll be there.

My aim now is to focus on my research project, finish it all off, get a job, possibly get a husband too (notice that I don't put boyfriend? I think I don't have time for all those things..hish...getting all fed up I guess) and all the while focusing my attention to my family and dear friends.
I think that in the past I'm like a lone dandelion caressed by the wind. When the wind blows right, I'd go right. When the wind blows left, to the left I go.
No more.
I've talked to my Mom, and I think that if I don't get to convert my scholarship, then must try and complete this project as fast as I can, the best that I can.
I hope to get it all done before anything happens to Ayah.
I can only try, and try I will.

Dear Allah,
Please..please let my path be smooth..
It is YOU who knows what's in my heart, may I be bestowed with what is best according to YOUR knowledge.
Amin.