Love is not high throughput

It is no surprise to me that hardly anyone tells the truth about how they feel. The smart ones keep themselves to themselves for good reason. Why would you want to tell anyone anything that's dear to you? Even when you like them and want nothing more than to be closer than close to them? It's so painful to be next to someone you feel strongly about and know you can't say the things you want to

~Henry Rollins (American Rock Singer, Author, Actor and Poet, b.1961)

It is foolish to wear your heart on your sleeve, you know?

Especially now, when there are so many people with less than noble intentions. It is tiring to like/love someone now, because of the games that we have to endure to get the message across. Seriously, I think love should have a dedicated field of research as to find the solution for all the heart's problems. All the analysis involved: quantitatively and qualitatively like "does he/she like like me or just like me?" or "what it means when he/she says this/that?" or "when is the right time to call/sms?" or "what it means when he/she does this/that?" and even "what it means when they don't do this/that?". All of it has their own qualitative properties and quantitative degrees of significance; like what was talked about, or how many times a day something happens. It is all like doing research with too many variables and too many outside factors that causes the conclusion drawn from the observation to be not a final conclusion but rather an unproven hypothesis, an assumption.

The only sure determinant for love issues is time. Nothing is as conclusive.

And that is precisely what makes it so hard.

Empirical methods to solve abstract issues like love is not appropriate, cruel even. I know because I've been through it. I've had a person say that he's considering me to be with him, along with a couple more other girls. So in order to qualify for a chance to be with him, a set of seemingly random questions is asked and answered (I also can interview him, apparently) to search for compatibility between the individuals. I don't know about you guys but for me this method is definitely NOT for me. Especially after knowing that I've been chosen along with other girls. It is all well and good that we get to know about the other person but for me the process should be an honest give and take with only one person considered. Seriousness is only when your attention is focused on one person, hoping he/she will accept your love and then be together. Love is not a high throughput thing you know, you can't process 96 samples at one go like my trusty PCR thermal cycler. So after you're serious with that one person, then the process of knowing each other better can genuinely go on. If not, there can never be trust as the nagging questions at the back of my head would haunt my days and nights; questions like, "is he thinking of someone else? is he regretting that he chose me? am I not good enough?". Gile kan semua soalan tu. Macam mana la nak bahagia. Dia saja la yang bahagia sorang, tanpa sedar yang orang yang sepatutnya paling dekat dengannya terseksa. I am not keen in having a golden umbrella up in the heavens for me even before I get hitched. So in the end, goodbye is the only sane thing to do before you get sucked in the vortex of lost chances and unspoken words. Better to stop it at the beginning. However when I said goodbye, you know what he said? He just said, "Noted". Yes, just a stone cold one word reply. Maybe he'll just tick my name of his list of possible candidates. Better that way, I am far too human for a mechanical being like him.

So now I think I've widen my horizon a bit. No longer afraid to meet new people and to challenge myself with new surroundings. But the challenges of starting a new love is the same and sometimes it frustrates me a lot.

Maybe someday I'll meet someone that I want to annoy for the rest of my life and he wouldn't mind. I won't have any qualms in bugging him at any time of the day with my sometimes silly stories and he'll share his stories too, all because he loves me and I love him too. Poyo x? But it is what I want, I want to grow old with him and build a life together.

InsyaAllah :)