Things caught in my mind

Lyrics | Oasis lyrics - Don't Go Away lyrics

23 March 2010, 10.20 a.m

My labmates right now are having a workshop inside the meeting room. Every single one. Except me. I'm here at the far corner of the lab just hanging around, waiting for the clock to kill the seconds and minutes until 11.30 and I'll leave to prepare for my trip to Kelantan. I'm unsure if I go with blessing, as a certain someone wants me to stay and join the workshop. But I can't. And I think I am being resented. But for my part, I have to go and do this. The case folders are piling up high and the samples are never enough. My priorities are evidently different...so sorry. If I could, I would.

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I'm going to Kelantan by plane, but somehow I think my supervisor is against it even though the tickets cost less than travelling by bus (I bought the tickets months before, so it is cheap for this particular trip, only RM43). I admit, some are slightly more expensive than a one way bus trip (which by the way cost RM42.80 to RM 45.50, depending on the company) if I didn't manage to get the promo price but how about the time it saves me, n how about the energy? Am I being irrationally manja?

Hmm..time is certainly not a luxury I can afford but somehow these people think that if given a choice between a grueling 9 hour journey and a 1 hour journey we should always take the hardest path because that is the sacrifices required from a PhD student. And I've been doing this almost every week since October last year, which equates to more than 20 trips back and forth between Kelantan and home. And I've only bought the flight tickets for March until May. The months before, there are several trips by plane but most of the time it would certainly be by bus.

These trips are taxing to the body, heart and mind. The body because travelling means constantly in motion. The heart because every time I go there I have to trouble my cousins and relatives to fetch me, to give me a place to stay the night, to lend me their car, to send me back. It is ok if it is only for a couple of times, but how about every week? Even though they're incredible people, we are no angels. So I have to search for other ways so as not to burden them with my presence. It weigh heavy in my heart because I keep needing their help and there is no way I can afford to give them any consolation for helping me. How can you give when you have nothing? Nothingness in itself is so deep, it sucks you in. So you just wear an invisible mask and harden your heart to ask for help, again and again. The mind is full with thinking of ways to go around the problems, in doing research. It is like a jammed intersection where the traffic lights are broken, every car (which symbolizes the thoughts) needs to go somewhere but is stuck. So they keep honking and shouting so loud that it is in chaos. No way out.

As for today's trip I want to experiment in going at it alone. I've already booked a room in a budget hotel so I'll think I'll go there by taxi from the airport. I'll walk to the hospital tomorrow as the hotel is opposite HUSM. After doing my work, then I'll take a taxi again tomorrow to the airport. I'll ask my supervisor whether I can claim lodging and transport because in the past, a certain someone is against it. If I can, then I'll claim but if I can't, I'll pray to God that somebody would deposit me a whole chunk of money so that I can get by and survive next week (which is sadly, only in my dreams :p). So no burdening anyone but myself. I hope everything goes well. It needs to.

If it doesn't, then we'll just have to move on with what we have. No choice there. Impossible to just sit still.

On my part, there is no problem in sacrificing what is mine. However, how can we ask other people to sacrifice also for something they are not involved in? That is not fair, cruel even.

Money is such a big issue that I hate that everything depends on it. I got to finish fast so that I can give back some that I've taken. I can never repay the kindness, that is beyond me. However, I pray for all of you as I believe that Allah is the Greatest Provider. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

And for my family who have sacrificed so much; I love you, I love you, I love you. I'll try my very best, so just hang in there ya. Please, hold on.