The breaking up speech

If my car is my boyfriend, I think he's breaking up with me.

"I've been with you since 2006, I've never failed you in any way. I've taken you to places you have never been, I have never put my interest before you. You remember how I've been with you, took you to fight your battles all because you're chasing opportunities and nursing a scarred sense of dignity when all others left you alone? You remember how I let you cry in the car when the cosmos just seem to be against you in every way? And don't forget how I endured your bad karaoke-like singing everyday when you're alone in the car to work?

And all of that for what?

Ok, I admit. You took care of my batteries brilliantly. You even have a bottle of battery water handy in case you have to top it off. And thanks for the tyres, I know all four of them are shining brand new. But this was all because our past arguments have been about you not caring to look at the battery water levels and I got fed up. The tyres were also because you used the previous ones until they're bald but still I marched on until one rainy day when the tyres can't take it anymore and they died at the side of the road, a motorist wearing a raincoat signalling that I was running flat.

Oh, thank you for finally learning to change my tyres. I fell in love with you again for that.

But now other things are becoming important. I can't help demanding these things if commitment is what you want.

You have never even bothered to check my oil levels, you just left that responsibility to the one servicing me. You never knew the basics of car maintenance: apart from the batteries, you should also check the water levels in the car radiator. I know you asked but you shouldn't be so naive as to expect they teach you the whole syllabus of Car Maintenance 101!

The driver window is already broken but you found a way around it by procuring a Smart Tag, so the necessity to fix the windows are demoted to a lesser priority. My coat is also chipped and ugly everywhere. Running beside a shiny car makes me feel like I'm wearing rags. You don't know the feeling!

But now it is too late. I'm paying you back, with Blu Cantrell singing "Hit em up style" in the background. I'll probably make up with you in a week, but I hope you are not the same person that I left. You have to understand me for a change!"

And with that, Pajero left. I was at the brink of tears when I saw them opening you up, doing all sorts of things I don't understand. I felt like wailing my heart out when I heard their estimate. I think they saw it in my face, because they politely stood out of the way after that for me to call Mom. I felt ill, like vomiting when I had to describe what Pajero had done to me. Mom came, took my zombie-like self as I tried to come to terms to the chain of events that were anticipated to follow.

Pajero, forgive me.

Take me back, please?

Of prayers and wishes

The other day after prayers my sister asked me, "what did you ask from God?"

And I told her.

Some people make their wishes a secret because they believe that if it is revealed then it won't come true.

I don't know about that. For me, the more people who know a wish, then maybe for a moment it would resound in their heads for a while. Like a temporary prayer. If the dynamics of making wishes come true works like this then my chances of success would improve when there are many people who knows it, in extension more people are also asking what I want.

Hmm..suddenly I feel like taking advantage of people, using them to make my wishes come true.

If these people know how I took advantage of them, would they suddenly refuse to hear my wishes or even charge me for it? Maybe it'll become a paid service one day: I'll pray for you if you pay me enough.

This exactly the reason why the fact that the connection between subject (you) and Allah has no barriers is so important. To have a mediator would create so many problems. How about if you're shy with your wishes? Or if words fail to convey your meaning? It is not like you can communicate with brainwaves to your mediator. So the best way is to ask directly yourself.

Another reason is that if we are to require mediators for our prayers, people like me who hope for the same set of things every minute of every day would be a bore. People don't have divine patience, this is a fact. Just try this simple test: ask repeatedly for the same thing and in a matter of minutes the retort would be, "I'm trying the best I can, can you just shut up and wait?". The aggressive ones wouldn't care, they'll continue to ask anyway, but the passive ones would back away. It is the same if you're asking for different things, if it comes from one source (you) then you'll wear on their patience. They'll avoid you for sure, "Hide! Here's the person who asks too much". And there you are, running around with something to say but no one to say it to.

Kinda sad, ea?

So I am thankful that I can say things to Allah that were meant for Him only and I know that Allah will not hide from me or move away. It is me who'll hide or run away from Him.

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During these times of unresolved issues, some one said to me, "You must listen to your heart. But you must know how to differentiate the whispers of angels from the whispers of the devil."

This is tall order for me, I think they sound the same sometimes!

The boundaries of right and wrong are blurred and the future has never been ours to know. We only have this moment, this brief second. This is actually the defining moment. So, you better make it count.

(p/s: Good luck!)

The scarcity of a hero

If anyone has been following the revelation of events in Malaysia then they'll hear about Bersih 2.0.

I don't know about you, but writing it like that "Bersih 2.0" makes me think of some kind of software. Or a detergent. Maybe the detergent thing is what the organizers aim for...

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All of these events and the plethora of information from both sides could easily confuse anyone. There is always two sides of a story, everything could be interpreted to fit any emotion, to fit any aim.

So among all these shades of meaning, wherein lies the truth?

The answer would vary according to whom I ask, because their views are entirely unique and subjective. If I were to do a questionnaire about this and examine the reasons for their answer, the resulting data would be a nightmare of uncontrolled variables that would scare the living daylights of a statistician. Furthermore, all of them would give me information or tell the something that they have gone through themselves.

"They are really after their own gains"

"They misused their power"

"The election results were rigged!"

"They won't give you progress, they are just pining for a seat in Putrajaya"

"All of them are reckless, always disturbing the peace"

"We were not armed, we demonstrated in peace. Then suddenly they barge in and hit us with a tomato"

...or any variants of these.

Don't worry, I believe all of you. I believe that if each of you were to take a polygraph test, all would pass with flying colors. I believe that you wholeheartedly believe what you told me, and yes, you did not make that up. Everything is undiluted truth.

So whose side am I? Well, that would ruin the fun of guessing :p

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However, what all of these made realize is that all of us are in dire need of a real hero. Someone with a clear mission that could not be misinterpreted or have multiple shades of meaning. In the olden days, the heroes are clear. They fight for a clear cause without any hope of getting any benefits from their battle. It is because what is right or wrong is clear cut. Plus, the ones actually shouldering the responsibilities of a leader are truly deserving of the title. They do not covet the title, they rather not bite more than they can chew because they know that they will be put to task and answer for everything that was under their influence and power.

Try doing a checklist of an ideal leader. Who fits all of these qualities now?

None!

I fear that we have arrived to a time when what is right and wrong has so blended together that you can't tell anymore which is which. To stay away from sin is almost impossible because no one can discriminate the truth from the "harmless white lies".

How to choose between two evils? I believe that neither side meant malice, they started with good enough intentions. But then things get out of hand, good intentions gets muddled with greed for personal gain or anything that wasn't supposed to mix together. Like they say,

The road to hell is paved with good intentions

So each side has their own valid arguments, they have their own grain of truth and their own skeletons in the closet. If we we choose to not side with anyone, that would just be irresponsible. However, is it permissible to hold judgment until they eradicate the contaminants to their cause?

I wonder, where are the ones who know better? Where are the ones who are strong enough to stand up and fight injustice? Where are all the scholars, the fighters, the orators, the builders? Are all of you shamed into silence?

Please, mend your weakness with a purging of the soul. Or at least, rekindle your desire for justice and truth. We are all in dire need of a hero and a clear cause to fight.

Can't you see, all are thirsty for a fight for justice? Go and make a demo everywhere. Or condemn the demo whenever the other other party does it. This thirst for standing up for your rights is a natural instinct. This is why everyone is so eager to make their stand, to make their opinions count. But if the opinions are based by structured lies by both parties to cloud over the eyes of their supporters, what is the use?

Right now, all I see is two mobs that simply want to fight. All they do is bicker, each saying that their cause is more holy. Too much drama. And of course the rest of the world would misunderstand.

I don't know about you, but I don't really trust people who talk too much and most of it just defending their stance. And I personally think "rakyat" is the most overused word for these past few years. I feel mocked. Maybe because I voted during the last elections, so what happens is kinda personal. What I want is for both sides to clean up their act and be serious for a change.

No more drama with endless episodes please!

*Hero by Nickelback playing in the background*

Time relativity

A night full of talking that hurts,

my worst held-back secrets. Everything

has to do with loving and not loving.

This night will pass.

Then we have work to do.

~Rumi

The day will come when I hit 27.

Just around the corner, ever patient in waiting its turn.

Then the questions will come:

Bila nak habis blaja ni?

Bila nak ada bf?

Bila nak itu, bila nak ini.

Entah. Jawapan universal untuk semua soalan susah.

But, I am ever praying and waiting. You ask because for you it seems so long. Tell me, what do you think I feel?

To this,

I say La haula wala quwwata illa billah

... with a bright smile of course, because faith is illogical but powerful all at the same time :)

p/s: the pic above is the view from the old faculty in Shah Alam at dusk

I want to start a revolution from my head

I really shouldn't be writing this.

Especially with a presentation due tomorrow morning. Plus, it will be a Monday.

So I really, really, really shouldn't be writing this.

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But I can't get it out of my mind, so it is hampering my productivity. I figured that might as well get it over and done so that my mind's RAM can be used for other pressing matters i.e tomorrow's presentation.

So...erm...have you noticed the changed header and title up there? I personally like the photo: I took it from here. The site's in German, so I don't really know if I'm breaking any rules for making the photo my header. But at least I acknowledge the site, right?

For what it is worth, these few weeks (or month?) has been an emotional roller coaster, an overhaul of sorts. All fields of my life (family, love, career..etc) all demand big decisions, strong determination and steel resolve. From all the mind's acrobatics I think that maybe some new connections have been soldered in the brain circuits to effect a change in thoughts and conduct.

I just hope that everything is for the best. Ramadan is indeed a school for the soul. There's something in the air I think, that makes everything viewed with more clarity and without bias.

More matured, perhaps?

I don't know. Time will tell, I guess.

The only way to now if all these changes are any good is to brace for another round of life's challenges. Then only you'll know if you've gotten somewhere instead of just running around in small circles, never venturing out from your small space.

As I always say: the world is too big to be stuck in one place, you know? ;)