Saturday, April 01, 2017

I leave you in the care of Allah

It was the first time I went for umrah. With Allah's permission it was with my parents and my relatives. There were countless people in Masjidil Haram as it was during Ramadan. We went to the masjid to complete our umrah after breaking fast as we were all in ihram, although we have just arrived in Mekah after going through a gruelling 6-hour journey by bus. Our group was late, but just when we were about to enter the masjid the call to prayer was made and the push and shove suddenly transformed into automatic discipline to form saf. I didn't know what to think. Our mutawif was shouting, "Solat aja disini, solat aja!" Our group immediately joined the saf, mixed women and men. All this while ayah was beside me. Shielding me and protecting me as best he could from the chaos. After solat, we continued moving into the masjid as we have yet to complete our umrah. Being in the state of ihram was a big trial at that time...maybe this is why umrah during Ramadan is likened to hajj. I was feeling fearful but alhamdulillah for the presence of ayah, Cik Awi and Kak Chik. Ayah held my hand the whole time, a source of comfort for his daughter. But when we entered tawaf area it was difficult to hold on. My other hand was holding on to Kak Chik as the risk of being swept away by the crowd was overwhelmingly high. Then suddenly ayah let go of my hand. I was alarmed but then I felt the pat at my back, signalling me to go on. I looked over my shoulders, holding on to dear Kak Chik's hand and we were swept into the crowd. The image of Ayah getting further away, finally lost within the crowd.
What was the pat in the back, the sign to move on when holding on was futile? I know what he meant, ayah left me with Allah and I need to leave him to Allah too.. There is no way to fight the will of Allah: what will be, will be. What has passed, cannot be undone.
I will forever miss his presence, his wisdom and his love. But Allah will take care of him, better than we ever could.
Missing ayah badly.. al-Fatihah for my father

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