You're never gonna be alone from this moment on

As contrary as what you may believe, words for me are hard to come by. Especially spoken words. I like to think I'm better at expressing my thoughts and feelings in writing but it is still not enough. An air of mystery that sometime shrouds these words are not entirely by choice.

I am now at home, I'm not feeling very well so I excused myself from the lab today. There is actually a mischievously restful feeling when you're at home while everybody else has to go to work (haha, sorry, can't help it. I know some of you will be jealous that I'm escaping the Monday Blues for today). I'm essentially giving myself a break.

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There is something in my heart and mind that I can't let go of. Like a cup filled to the brim, threatening to spill over. The past three days I haven't given my thesis the attention it needs. Only today I forced myself to write. But I've always been a firm believer of preparing the soul (or in this case stabilize my psyche to focus) before commencing work.

Just a little clue of what weighs in my heart is that my Ayah is not well. He has always been strong, even during these trying times. But I am afraid if I'm going to be a failure.

A snippet of a conversation I had the other day still ring in my ear, in more or less the same words:

"Dia selalu cakap tak tau sempat ke tak..."

"Sekurang-kurangnya kena hantar 1st draf la kan?"

"A'ah.."

...only with Allah strength can I go through all this and submit my 1st draft. Then it would somehow give him hope and with hope, comes strength. Sempat, insyaAllah. Sempat.

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Nickelback - Never Gonna Be Alone[Official Videoclip]
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This song Never Gonna Be Alone from Nickelback feels so close to me. And the video makes me cry. But unlike the girl inside the video, I still have Ayah. And I still have my family with me. I am jealous of my time and I feel that every moment that is either not spent with them or spent on making my thesis a reality is like a thief that I want to strike for wasting my precious moments. Those two are tied, you see. I can only go on once I put all the burden of this thesis behind me.

As always,

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Adzim