Numbed

I wake up everyday with new hope, re-energized and ready to start the day. Every morning brings optimism and a feeling that, "Yes, today I can conquer the world".
After a while, realization dawned.
Life is not a bed of roses, but it's not a pile of shit either.
It's how you go around it.
So I go to work, not caring of the slight traffic because that way I'll hear more songs on the radio (the short drive from my rented room to UiTM is only 5 minutes away, 10 minutes if the traffic have already build up).
But when arriving at the workplace and see the face behind closed doors, dread overpowers the mind. That is when all the alerts in your head starts going off like crazy and the heart starts its uneven beating. In my head, "Who's next?" while tiptoeing to my desk.
Optimism is suddenly down to only 70% but it's still ok, just as long that I keep watching my back and prevent myself from stepping on a landmine. Proceed work as always.
Then, someone came and it bursts my bubble again because in my head, "alaahhhh..." Optimism is not affected but then, the heart feels heavier, like an increase of 30%.
Oh, man.
Then comes the next thing that fills me with dread: checking my email.
If nothing, then Ok. But if there's something...better not go there. Just describing it feels scary.
.
.
.
I envy my friend down at level 6. She's brilliant under pressure. Whenever stressed, it compels her to go higher, go deeper, go beyond than what is expected of her.
Am I unwilling to go the extra mile? Unwilling to carry out the sacrifices demanded by the circumstances?
Sometimes I think all of it are just products of a crazy and irrational moment that would pass (I hope). The way I'm living now is silly, I don't really like it. We are not living in times of war, but God, it feels so. We are not POW, but somehow we're conquered.
Sincerity is of utmost importance in all things we get ourselves involved in. I place high importance in the philosophy of work done. So for me when there's no sincerity, there's no way I can veil my heart so that it'll not realize the hypocrisy of it all. The people around me all said that I should only do something for the right reasons and not because someone demand you to, not because complying would placate them and not rekindle their fiery wrath. Do it because it is your responsibility, because it is your own qualification that you're busting your ass for.
I have to take this advice and rewire my mind.
Why?
Because lying to oneself is a sin I don't plan on getting numb over.