Green Day 21 Guns + Lyrics -
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To me this is a sad story.
Somehow I think it is important for us to figure out what really defines us. Is it your looks? Your mind? Your status? Your personality? Your career? Your deeds? Your choices? Your fights?
Think it through.
All those things could be easily taken from you. They are so frail and flimsy and so easy to lose. They are not ultimately yours. If you lose these things, then what would be left remaining? If those things give meaning to who you are, if they are taken away then are you reduced to nothing?
So think carefully. Which one is it?
If someone were to ask you, "Who are you really?", can you tell them without a shadow of a doubt what differentiates you from all other entities in this world?
I used to be afraid of not achieving academic success. I thought that because I am not beautiful or have a bubbly personality; all I have is my academic excellence. If I were to fail, then I won't be special anymore. I'd just fade into the background.
Just another soul walking the times until the clock stops ticking.
It is as if my academic achievements define me and made me special. So I did everything to ensure my academic success and I am proud to tell you that I did it too. Went through all the levels of school and basic degree without any hurdles. After that, I went on and signed up for postgraduate study. After a while my MSc project was converted to PhD. Little that I realize that my glass world would come crashing down.
PhD brings with it a lesson of harsh reality: I am not smart, intelligent or any of those things.
So what becomes of my definition of self? Shattered. You can't go on telling yourself that you're a smart person when there are mounting evidence against that. So what now?
I kinda understand why the entertainer did what he did. Throughout his life he believed that he was a great entertainer. Suddenly ratings start to go down, fans gone and age catches on. All those things that he used to take to define his reality is now no more. He fought for his reality, always trying to make a comeback. His comfort was always the past. It got so bad that he resorted to violence that contributed further to his downfall. All because he was trying to hold on. If he does not, he felt he'd be nothing. He'd fade. No one wants to fade because then eventually you'd be nothing.
The time has come to seek another definition of myself. What would that be, I don't really know yet. Just hoping that I don't lose myself along the way. Seeking the ultimate mission, something that would not leave me barren when one fine day it decides to leave me.
2 comments:
Oh dear, that's very sad. But maybe it's just an increase/decrease that you are seeing instead of a total shatter of your identity? Even homer nodes sometimes.
Btw, where are you doing your Phd and in what field? How does it defer from an M.A. or MSc? Sorry for being a kaypoh ;)
PhD study will humble you. Make you realize that everything is always not as it seems and that you are really not that great. Xde la jd academician yg sombong sgt. However, I think that is what gives value to your PhD, you know, all the tears, sweat, laughter. It is a life in itself.
PhD is a changing process, you'd never be the same. However, PhD stories of different people may be different but it'd always have a big impact on their lives.
My definition of self? it needs total revision. Kalau sandarkan pada material things, it fades away...So, any suggestions? :p
I am now doing my PhD in pharmacogenetics. I don't have a MSc because my master's project was converted to PhD level. MSc= Master in Science, MA= Master of Arts.
U thinking of furthering your studies? In what field?
Don't let anything I say here stop u, saya banyak merepek je. It's good to have more scholars like you :)
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