Demons on my back

In front of my computer, trying to make sense of science journals but my mind can't focus because I keep thinking about the class I had earlier. Suddenly a colleague came and asked,

"Ada kelas ke tadi?"
"A'ah..kelas pagi tadi"
"Ada mood lagi nak kerja? Kalau akak, dah takde mood dah"
"..."

...Terus I tulis blog.

They have a nickname for me now: Ulat bulu.
Hampeh kan?
Haha, I don't mind because actually they are implying that I am an "ulat buku", meaning nerdy.
But having said that, I don't like that the same name also implies that I am a workaholic. Because I am not. I am just someone working my ass off because I can't afford to do it any other way. I am like this because I got to keep running to keep up with the things that I want to achieve, they are not stopping to wait for me.
All other people have different set of problems, different set of situations. It is not fair to judge other people when all you can see is what is apparent to you. Each of us are like icebergs: what you see on the surface is just a small fraction of what is hidden underwater.
A number of people have commented to me:

"Put the glass down, take a break"
"I think you are very focused"
"Don't think too much!"

.
.
.
All of these comments made me think: am I that intense? But reflecting on the things I have in my head and on my shoulders, I am unable to rationalize or explain myself why am I doing things the way I do. There is really no other way, not that I know of anyway.
Let's just list all of these things that are bugging me:
1. My dad is in the hospital again. My mom is also there to wait for my dad. My siblings, many of whom are still on their holidays could come to the hospital and wait for him. We really can't do anything: mostly it just makes us feel better to be nearer to Ayah and Ma, not the other way around. But my parents always want us to go on with our lives, to keep doing the things required for us to move on. Even though all we want is to be by their side, all they want is for us to not worry about them and keep excelling in our lives. So, to take leave or holidays just because of Ayah is something that he does not like. So it hurts me when some people comment carelessly the other day to me:

"Kenapa tak pergi hospital tunggu Ayah? Pergilah, takkan tu pun tak boleh fikir"

This judgmental comment hurts me to the core, the mere suggestion that I am delaying to go to my family. So in the future, be careful of dictating the action of others: you don't know the true situations and the type of choices that I have to make.

2. I have to start doing research at my university. But I am alone in this, no where to turn to or to seek help because as my x-supervisors like to say, my wings have been cut. To fly again would be a near-impossible feat. I have no access to machines, no one knows me and I have no money. The students are depending on me to guide them on projects. But because I told myself that I want to be as far removed from my past as I can be, I have to learn everything again. There are hundred of things to read, so I am still feeling my way in the dark. To do the things I want to do, there are so many procedures: I have to write proposals, apply for ethics clearance, get patients and samples, develop methods, yada yada yada. So many things. These are all piled up in front of me like a menacing mountain, the winds whispering poisonous thoughts like "you are not able to do this" "you will fail" "you are stupid and incapable" "you are just a nobody" "you are just one person" "people will know and you will fall". With each whisper, the strength is sapped little by little. It is like an open wound, the blood slowly coming out, draining you of the will to go on. Sometimes I feel like a crazy person because I could be suddenly be hit by the memories I had during the last days of my PhD. I told myself that I am unaffected and certainly on good days I am the strongest person in the world. But some days it hit me again and I am down in the mud. So now I am taking baby steps until I am fully recovered. The healing point only came recently, when I was talking about the possibility of going back, of mending severed ties, a friend said to me
"Lupakan diorang. Just forget about them"
With those words, I know it is final and that I should really try to forget and do things on my own.
So now I am trying to forge new ties with other researchers, and building the foundation for my own research. It is like a victim of an accident: you got to make yourself to drive a car again even though you're traumatized like hell. But now I have met people whom I think I can work with to do research. But let's just try this one step at a time. I am afraid to say anything for fear that it won't work out.
Hmm..that's another thing. The research here is not widely practiced like in the public universities, so doing research here is not an easy feat. The things I hear over and over again are like:

"I can't do research because I don't have time. You're different because you have plenty of time"
"Biasalah, you kan ada momentum sekarang. Nanti lama-lama nanti dah hilang momentum tak boleh lah buat research"
"We are a private university, so we don't have enough machines. That is why I don't do my research, it is too difficult to get access to machines"
"Masa bujang senang la, nanti dah ada komitmen nanti susahlah"
"Awal-awal dulu I pun macam you. Naive and bersemangat nak buat research. But after some time, you will know"

This last excuse paling kurang asam because it implies that I will also fail like them eventually. But for me all of these are lame excuses. Lame! I wonder what they think of me, that all of these come easy to me? Every step is like a thorn in my shoe, harder to go on. But still I press on, praying that each forward step would not be the last. However, if my sin is only because I am being idealistic, then let me be. Just don't bog me down with your pessimism. I don't want to be unmotivated or just getting by. Mediocrity should not be anyone's goal.

3. I wonder if I am fit to be a lecturer. Sometimes I think I confuse them more rather than helping them. The morning tutorial today was the worst. I sometimes catch myself playing with the idea of doing a postdoc and build myself again in what I failed during my PhD. I really got to find something that I am good at. If this goes on, I am just a useless lifeless body going through times until I come to the end of the line.

4. How to start building my life? So many things to plan and think about: buying a new car, a new house, rearranging my finances, a new phone, a new computer...

5. Last but not least, where the hell is my prince charming? If you finally come in the future, I would certainly ask you this question.

So these are the major things in my mind. They take up most of the traffic in my head. So again, there is no rest. Rest will only come in death.