The torment of want

Pity me that the heart is slow to learn,

What the swift mind beholds at every turn

~Edna St. Vincent Millay

Haven't you come across a time when you wish that you can have control over what your heart wants? It frustrates me when the heart goes by itself, wanting many thing that it wasn't supposed to want in the first place. And of course the head goes haywire; trying all sorts of sound reasoning to convince the heart to budge, shouting through the deafening silence in the mind "Hey, you're not supposed to want that! It is wrong/somebody else's/impossible."

But the heart never listens.

So the cycle goes on: the heart never stops wanting and the mind never stops analyzing.

And the body continues to endure. Taking blow by blow, until it numbs. Indifferent to the opposite tugging of the heart and the pull of the mind.

.

.

.

As I always say: we should never ask for things that people cannot give. So what I resort to is to ask from a higher source; one that could provide me with everything that I can possibly ask for.

Often words are inadequate, but that don't matter. He is after all, the All Knowing. Resolution for both the heart and mind will be revealed in time, either now or whenever it is right to finally have it. Or to have something else in its place. I don't know. It is weird how faith works.

But for now it is enough to know that we could draw strength from this helplessness by surrendering everything and taking each step of the way with care, whispering silent prayers within our hearts and minds. Believing wholeheartedly that the answers are somewhere up ahead. Somehow, we will arrive there eventually.

La Haula Wala Quwwata Illa Billahil 'Aliyyil 'Azim

Secret

I tell everything, but I do not say it,

because, my friend, it is better

your secret be spoken by you.

~Rumi

Hujan bulan Juni

Hujan di Bulan Juni

Tak ada yang lebih tabah

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dirahsiakannya rintik rindunya

Kepada pohon berbunga itu

Tak ada yang lebih bijak

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dihapusnya jejak-jejak kakinya

Yang ragu-ragu di jalan itu

Tak ada yang lebih arif

Dari hujan bulan juni

Dibiarkannya yang tak terucapkan

Diserap akar pohon bunga itu

~Sapardi Djoko Damono

Jangan diuji hati sendiri. Kau jua yang tahu apa yang boleh dan tidak boleh kau tahankan.

A chance meeting

Smile at a stranger. See what happens.
~Patti LuPone

When you travel routinely long distances then the odds of you experiencing new things gets higher. I'm cool with that, in fact I welcome it. It is good to have something now and then that challenges your day to day routines and shake your streams of thought.

Today I was on a flight back home from Kelantan (I go there all the time for sampling and data collection for my thesis) and was lining up to board the flight. As I was walking, I noticed the airline officer helping a foreign-looking mother to store her baby stroller. It can't be brought up as a hand luggage, you see. But the officer was very helpful and I can see that she was very thankful.

When I got to my aisle seat, I sat down straight away as I was feeling nauseous. The airport was full of people wanting to send their relatives to go perform Hajj so it was quite crowded and difficult to breathe. Add that to the fact that the plane hasn't started the air conditioning yet, so I was feeling a bit hazy. Then a voice said, "I'm in 7A" and I look up to see the mother smiling at me with a baby in her arms. "Oh, ok" I said as I stumbled out of my seat to give way for her to pass. It was quite difficult for her because she was carrying a backpack and a shoulder bag together with her baby boy. But she managed, as only a mother can :)

After she settled down the stewardess came to give her a slip for the stored stroller, and I said, "It's for the stroller". She only smiled and nodded. Encouraged, I asked more, "So where do you come from?" and so begins another friendship forged up in among the clouds.

I found out she's from Hungary and she's here to visit her in-laws as her husband is a Kelantanese. She wants to be a teacher and can speak Japanese. I also found out she used to be a travel agent. Haha, a nice surprise eh? These coincidences only fuels up my desire to make the Eurotrip a reality. Then after that, maybe a trip to travel the middle east. And then trekking all over Asia. And then.. haha,ok, sorry. That's another dream, another story ;)

She recommended me to a website named couchsurfing.org where they provide a platform for people who love to travel to connect in the truest-sense: to share/lend a couch or a place to stay and maybe even come with an unofficial travel guide: all for free!. The idea kinda reminds me of the movie "The Holiday" starring Kate Winslet, Cameron Diaz, Jude Law and Jack Black but it's not the same. She said she have hosted many travellers before, even from Malaysia. Hmm..is this independent travelling thing big in Malaysia now? It comforts me to know that, somehow the knowledge of fellow countrymen and women doing it before makes it less apprehensive.

She gave me her email and I've emailed her already, hoping this could be a start for a meaningful friendship. C'mon, everything has risks but the hard thing is to figure out is whether the risk is worth it? And the bigger question would be: as I am all for challenging myself now, am I up for it this time?

Time, as always, will tell ;)