Pride will burn in the Godgame

All things are subject to interpretation whichever interpretation prevails at a given time is a function of power and not truth.
~Friedrich Nietzsche

Hi.
What a lame way to start after being away for so long, right?
But that is all I got for now.
Actually I've been avoiding the internet all this time, largely because I want to rest my head for a while. My mind is like a stuck highway where all the traffic lights are broken. Ideas, people and thoughts keep honking away trying to get through. But all are jumbled up with no clear direction.
I've just finished reading The Magus by John Fowles. It's a long book and for me, the book is strange. The book is like a maze and people who like to over analyze things would get lost in it.
The main character, Nicholas Urfe is a regular guy with issues. He was put to a myriad of out-of-this-world situations and the way he reacted to each and every one of them are decidedly "normal". I felt pity for the guy, he reminded me so much the limitations of being human. He is like a puppet played by a Master Conjurer, who laughed all the way while pulling his strings. Anywhere he turned he was deceived and seduced into a flimsy illusion that all weaved together to ultimately form a string around his neck to take his life.
Who wouldn't be angry at people who suddenly decide to use you in his experiment of psychological games without your consent? Conchis the magus evidently didn't care at all about the ethical considerations of his work. All was done mechanically, scientifically, without any regard of respect toward the humanness of Urfe.
As I said, I pity him.
But as I go along the book, I realized that truth is not fixed and the reality we know today may not be as real as you think. the events I've gone through lately also serve to reinforce this notion.
Truth is like a rare 600 carat diamond cut to perfection. The make of the ultimate diamond depends on its proportion that in turn determines its brilliance (amount of light reflected back to your eye), fire (the flashes of color due to prismatic separation into the colors of the rainbow) and scintillation (sparkling movement of light as you move the diamond). Due to all of this properties, a person holding the diamond in a particular way will perceive the diamond according to the amount of light reflected on it. So the diamond shine that arrest your eyes won't be the same as the brilliance that shone in mine because of our different positions. But there is no denying that it is the same stone, the same truth but viewed in a different light. So how can you say that what you behold is more beautiful than mine, more truer? There is no way.
This is the reason I feel no regret. As I replayed the events in my head, I am certain that what I did was in truth. But the degree of rejection to my truth is so immense that I begin to suspect that they too perceive what they did was in truth. So who is to blame? No one. The desire to be right, to hold the upper moral ground sometimes have no meaning. In the end, no one knows the answer. In the end, everyone just wants to get away. My friend say that I just should suck it in and go face the shooting squad...again. I told her that if they were using real bullets, she's telling me to essentially go kill myself. She said that it is okay, because they are just using water guns.
Water guns or not, I have enough of their tired games. I feel like Urfe. The difference is that I have two Conchis, not just one pulling the strings. They have no right to go testing me, experimenting on me as if I am a mere rat. The main argument for them is that it is not worth holding on. The sacrifice of pride mean nothing because they are always like that. I disagree with that argument because so what if they've always been like that? What they're doing is wrong and always being that way is not a valid excuse. All this while there have been no real opposition, so they are forever enveloped in their fantasy that what they see and do is the only truth. Well, I've had enough. I've just stopped caring.
Who would've thought that these last days of me leaving would be the hardest of them all?
If you were with me that day when I was beaten down to the ground, I suspect that you'd bear no sympathy for me. Because I have no power of persuasion and I have not an ounce of strength left to uphold my dignity in the eyes of my judges. Furthermore, I was alone. But still I was condemned as proud, and it amazed me to realize how good my acting was.
The cheap shot I took bothered me, that I resorted to saying such childish things. However, above all else I seek your understanding of my situation. I was ambushed and I retaliated like a snake cornered. But in these later days after the fight, I realized that I did not regret anything. I am hardened by the things they hurl at me. Doesn't matter. I take solace in the thought that God will prevail. Our brands of truth can't be trusted, so I'll leave it at that. Let it be buried under the rubble of time.

Every one, I welcome you to the Godgame. Enjoy.

*info on diamonds from http://www.diamondhelpers.com
**more on the magus here http://www.nytimes.com/books/98/05/31/specials/fowles-magus1.html