Resolution..s

Salam :)
So how is 2012 treating you lately?
I hope it has been kind.
For me, the first days of January was very much a blur: I started my new job, moved closer to workplace, Ayah warded and operated, back and forth between work and hospital and so on.
But I managed to keep with the tradition: to gather with cousins only for the eve of new year and start the year with celebration and laughter. I'm glad I went because I almost passed because I thought I wouldn't manage (My first day on the job was 3rd Jan, so konon2 busy prepare for work. Padahal gabra :p ).
Taking it back a bit, I also went to the Twins of Faith Family Festival on 24th and 25th Dec.
I am very much thankful that I was among the 3000 individual who were given the chance to join the event. Every time I think of my time there, I feel thankful and can't wait to join the next one.
There were several things that I learnt there and the knowledge was made more profound because I went alone. I don't know, but leaving me with my thoughts after the sessions...silence unbroken even through the noise of thousands of people was surrounding me, makes me feel so specially alone. Like I am a lone ranger embarking on an adventure.
What most shocked me when I went there is the degree of variety of the participants. The ones attending are not only those with black veils, big turbans or long flowing dresses. There were many who were wearing jeans, t-shirts, all kinds of headscarves and even those who were not wearing headscarves.
Yes, there were not one, but several of the women attending were not wearing any covering on their heads.
And these were the people who I am most jealous of.
I am jealous that although there were not yet a fully practising Muslim, they were trying hard to be one. What kind of person dare to come to an Islamic event with the sole purpose of obtaining knowledge to finally come to a conviction that Islam is truly the truth without any regard of what others think of them?
I am jealous because it is so clear to me that they are getting the hidayah, but they themselves have not realize it yet. They just need a little push toward the right path, and surely, with time and patience, they will find it. And there is the very real possibility of them being a better person compared to you and I.
But what about me? What about you?
Are we getting the hidayah? We are now at a certain level, but the question remains: why are we at this particular level and not higher? What are we doing to ourselves that we don't have the hidayah, the desire to attain a higher level? Surely there is something wrong.
Sometimes I get angry with myself for sins that I do, sometimes without remorse. Beat myself up over it, all this time. But early this year, I chanced upon Dr Zaharuddin Abd Rahman's status:

Jangan mengeji diri sendiri secara berlafaz (kecuali ketika taubat), kerana ia hanya akan memberikan tubuh kita lanjutan perasaan kegagalan dan negatif, lalu bakal membawa rantaian kegagalan dan kesalahan yg lain, kerana ia telah memasuki minda separa sedar kita menjadi seperti racun berbisa. Kerana itu, Islam mengajar bila kegagalan, kesukaran dan musibah tertimpa, ucaplah "Hasbunallah wa ni'mal wakil", La hawla wala quwwata illa billah" dan "inna lillahi wa inna ilaihi raa'jiun". Kemudian, positifkanlah dirimu. Kamu boleh...!

I try to picture myself and I feel sorry for the person I am. I am my own worst enemy. I am shocked at how unfriendly I was toward my own self. But I cannot find any justice on how I abuse my own self image because I try very hard, going through the day, moment by moment. So I don't need my own self to discount my efforts or taint it with undeserved criticism.
So this is my main resolution for the year:

To be my own best friend!

And then, this would include cheering myself on in my efforts to: slim down, to help my family, to do my work the best as I am able, to buy a house, to get rich, to be loved, to be a good scholar and to be a Muslim who actually makes a difference!
Just ask yourself this: if your presence or absence doesn't make any difference in the world, then why are you here at all?
*This question is adapted more or less from Hamka. When I am rajin, I'll get the right quote. But if I am kurang rajin skit, I think you get the idea ;)