Great Expectations

"The secret was such an old one now, had so grown into me and become a part of myself, that I could not tear it away.”
~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Maybe, just maybe.
At times when things get so confusing that I just stood still, I wished that somehow it would end.
This need shouldn't be there at all. I should be sufficient or just turn to Allah.
At times, when I feel the need pressing, I'd feel a huge abyss within the confines of myself get bigger and deeper.
I still can go on, of course. There was never any doubt about the ability to go on alone. Especially when I see somebody else need it more than me. At least I know that I am able to go on. Maybe even fated that way because what I have to do encompasses so much more than just my immediate surroundings.
What this means is maybe what I am destined to do is something that must be done alone. For God knows what reason.
Slowly I've beginning to not care about that reason. For what? Knowing the reason won't help. Everything that should happen will happen regardless of what reason.
I envy vagabonds. They don't stay at a place for too long to be tied down by anything, anyone. They never need anything. They never get attached or suddenly one fine day have a need for anyone. They just do their thing and move on. No complications there.
I suspect that anyone reading this, after I was gone for so long, might suspect that I am a wee bit depressed. I don't know about that. I just hate the need. I don't want to want anything from anyone that they don't give it to me freely. This is the old ragged secret, but maybe now the players have changed.
Why must I be caught in the pattern of begging? Allah has made us not to be beggars. We are His slaves but armed with free will. And beggars don't have free will. They are just driven by need, need, need until the end.
Sad fate.

“I loved her against reason, against promise, against peace, against hope, against happiness, against all discouragement that could be.”
~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

I questioned myself why can't Allah be sufficient? He is, He is. It is me who is desperately undeserving and ungrateful.
I turn to Him whenever possible but maybe my heart is blackened by my countless sins. How can the light shine through?
At least, at least I know it to be so.
So maybe I can silence my heart for a while and make it listen and obey, because now the little heart knows what is at stake.
Let this go.

“We changed again, and yet again, and it was now too late and too far to go back, and I went on. And the mists had all solemnly risen now, and the world lay spread before me.”
~Charles Dickens, Great Expectations