The rest

Ramadan is around the corner.
How I wish it could come faster.
I feel dirty and drowning in my own sins and unworthiness that manifest in the hypershooting of neurons in my brain that push me to a recluse. I need company, I tire of being alone but I'm tired too around people.
I thought I needed a break but maybe it has to be something more long-term, more permanent.
I feel tired all the time.
I feel like running to Allah but I haven't been good..so I drag my heart in anticipation of the price that I have to pay later.
Ramadan offers some solace, a door of redemption.
Hope without fulfilment is like cocaine: we keep dosing ourselves with it but it is slowly chipping away what you are bit by bit until you are a shell of whom you were, hallucinating in its effects.
I look at myself with pity and a bit of disgust due to what I have resorted to do and also what I am capable of doing. Where had all the innocence gone?
Ramadan is coming and I can't wait. It offers such sweetness unfounded in any other time of the year..it's like we and everybody else, even the trees and animals are all different when blessed with Ramadan.
I need rest, i am filled with exhaustion.

Circuits

I wonder if you can choose what hurts you.
People keep saying I'm overthinking and oversensitive..without even bothering to actually understand. Why do people do that? When someone shares something, they don't expect opinions or for you to take sides, but just listen in a non judgmental way.
I don't bother now. I just do work with such excellence that I am able. My only problem is I wish I was more relaxed and not think too much and be all worked up and then worry that I think too much and then I try to stop thinking, which makes me think about it even more and then it makes me sad why am I doing this, am I crazy and am I unlovable and am I so awkward and then I just feel tired. My head hurt, sometimes I feel angry and most times I just want to sleep. Which makes me fat, make me worry am I depressed or sick or what?
In reality I am nothing. Nothing is wrong, nothing is happening. Nothing. It is too much that is nothing. 
If it is up to me, I don't want to deal with them again. I can avoid them as long as it is necessary and I have no grouses to meet them or talk to them or to be friends. But what is tiring is the way they are hurtful and evil without reason. It's like they go out of their way just to make sure they hurt you. In my mind they are master narcissistic bullies.
I prayed to God to keep me away from these people but as they are in my circle then there is no choice: to face them or change scenery.
I have been playing with this thought for a while now...it gets stifling and heavy and lonely all at the same time.
I really crave for change. I want to run and break away.
I just hope that one day they get a taste of their own medicine and when it trickles down their throat, I hope they remember how they used to do the same exact thing to people. I hope then they repent. I hope that by then, I am far away from them. I hope that by then, in my heart are only good memories and I am surrounded by goodness. I hope that by then, their names and faces don't even cross my mind.

I have nothing but if I have You, I have everything

It is funny that for some people, all that they can see and talk about is what you lack. For me it all comes down to rizq: some people have too much and some people have too little. For you who think that what you have is yours alone, I hope you remember Allah when He takes it from you in a blink of an eye, because it is not yours at all. It is His and all of this is just to see how well you and me deal with whatever life decides to throw at us. I hope you have the grace to laugh at yourself, the way you heartily laugh at others. I am defenseless and cannot stop you from doing what you did. I have no father now, I have no friend, I have no one. Maybe I hoped someone would protect me from all of these things but there is no one. I am now a joke just because people think it is funny that I am alone. But it is ok because after all, Allah is al-Wali, The Protecting Friend for those who turn to Him. I have no one but if I have Him, I have everything.