A probable miracle

These are the last days of Syawal for this year.
During these last days, invitation to open houses are pouring in. I wasn't able to do the 6-day fast in Syawal during the early days so I started yesterday. Today is my 2nd day. So to ensure that I complete all 6 days I have to fast everyday until Tuesday and have my 2nd raya on Wednesday.
So how about all the invitations? I did not want to be known as an antisocial, not fulfilling the invitations on purpose. So just now I just attended an open house event while fasting.
Haha. Yes, I did something weird and I nearly opted out of it but I really want to show that I wanted to come. It may be weird but if I were the hostess, I would prefer my guests to come to the event even if they are fasting. The important thing is to gather and socialize: the food is the glue that holds them together. So to hell with conventions, if I feel good then it couldn't really be that wrong ;)
But that didn't lessen the feeling of awkwardness. He-heh (nervous laugh).
The food smelled delicious and the color of each dish was somehow enhanced that I wondered whether I was stuck in a tv's Food Network in full HD. There were fragrant plates of nasi berlauk, succulent chicken sate, steaming mee sup daging, sweet bubur kacang and even white sandwiches that were all specially home-made.
Ahh.
I went there with a group of my friends and so naturally after taking food we all sat in a circle, talking and laughing all the way. It was quite a challenge, the food was so mouth watering and tempting! However, I held out, ignoring the consistent pleas of whispering gluttony devils.
Then when all of it was over I can almost hear the drumming music my tummy makes. Salam with everybody and quite glad to finally able to head home. But then the wonderful hostess surprised me with a plastic bag full of packed food! Haha! (actually it was not so surprising because she said before that she'll pack me some food but I kept my expectations low because she was so busy with all the other guests. So it was easy to forget about me and I didn't want to remind her: macam ape je kan. So I regard as a blessing that she remembered lil ol' me :) haih..me and my hopes :p ).
This whole situation takes me to a thought that I've been playing in my head for a while now. It's the concept of rizq that is not only governed by what do we get but also by when we get them.
Consider the situation I went through: I went to an event where everyone is expected to eat but I couldn't. Then I was surrounded by those who are eating and I had to be patient with what I was doing to accomplish what I want. However, when I thought that the rizq was certainly lost from me, that there was no way I would get some and that I should just forget the whole thing and be content with what I settled with, suddenly I got what I everybody had before.
See?
It is already written before what would be ours (in this case: a packaged nasi berlauk). Even when other people had theirs and I didn't (the people that ate during the event and I fasted), in the end I had the opportunity to taste what was restricted to me before (the packaged food).
Yes, you can counter that this is not absolute: who can say that I would actually eat the nasi and that it won't just be another one's rizq? for example maybe I will forget about the nasi that I had stored in the fridge when I go back today or that I would remember to bring it back but I had to share with others or that it would simply go bad and had to be thrown away. Yes, who can say? But to think about all those is irrelevant to me because now, at least I have the possibility of it being mine. Amazingly, I am already happy and content. If it isn't, an important thing to remember is that I won't be left to die of hunger anyway: I would just break my fast with what is really meant to be my rizq. Another possibility is that it was never meant to be mine but maybe I would just be the messenger to bring that piece of rizq to another, who is the true recipient of it.
It's a beautiful system, true to the concept of adil. All things should be given/put to/at its rightful owner/place.
Ok, let's stretch this idea to the question of life's opportunities or soulmates.
[Just substitute the nasi berlauk for the aforesaid things - I think I would be repeating myself if I explain it here hehe].
This concept somehow makes patience easier to accept and do, for me anyway. And analogies that use food is nice and fitting for fasting people like me haha. Oh, and another thing. What is patience without effort? Don't put destiny to task when it's you that distort the meaning of patience and taqwa. So this does not in any way mean that all you have to do is wait around waiting for the moon to suddenly turn into gold and descend on you. That is just silly and those things only happen in imaginary tales. You have to at least increase the probability of things to happen to you. Then it probably will, insyaAllah :)

Runaway

I wonder, What can I hope for?

What if what I want is something that cannot be attained but something that can only be given?

Since young, we have all learned that things would happen if you strive for it. 

But what if there is no more room for trying?

Finally I arrived. After that arduous journey, I made it!
But the relief that washed over just moments before evaporated with the realization that the path is limited by a barbed fence, the future I hope for is at the other side.
The fence looked menacing.
The weather darkens but occasionally the icy glint of the wires shone by the lightning. It's going to rain soon.
To go back is something I dread. I would trade my life just so I don't have to go back. With a heavy breath I looked up slowly to the fence.

How high is it? 

Where would my dreams go if I am unable to go chasing after it? 

It is cruel for fate to flirt with our expectations and hope. The promise was that once I get there, then this curse would be lifted. I consorted with this illusion because no one bothered to tell me about the fence. I took a step nearer. Holding on to the fence, careful not to touch the thorn-like barbs. Shaking it, hoping it would budge. Screaming into the silence, hoping that someone would come.
No one did.
I closed my eyes. It was as though a dark cold cloud descended on me and enveloped me in distress. I hugged myself tighter, trying to offer solitary comfort. It was more like a useless coaxing to feel better but this feels like a dead end.

I tried so hard. 

I couldn't believe that it has all come down to nothing. I really don't know how to try anymore. I don't dare to dream anymore because they keep turning into nightmares. I stopped hoping for a light at the end of the tunnel. Now I'm hoping that the tunnel would just end.

The cold is biting to my bones. Looking at my hands in the moonlight makes me wonder if I have any warmth in my blood. They look deathly white. I snuggled in my jacket at the bottom of the fence. The tiredness began to steal my consciousness. I rested my head down, slowly I closed my eyes. I stopped worrying about the future, all I want now is just to not remember.
**********

"Hoi, get up"
I felt a sudden pain in my stomach where he kicked me. His words awoke me rudely from my cold slumber. Eyes fluttering trying to focus, I squinted to where two faint lights are shining. I realized they were headlights of a truck, so I know they've found me.
Glancing through the fence, I could almost see an apparition waving at me. The dream still stands there, waiting for me to go make it a reality.
"I'll come back again," I whispered under my breath. Impatient, he came to grab me.
I pushed his hands away, a little harsher than I intended. Then I boarded the truck. In the winds that blow, I stared at the fence until it fades from my sight. The truck continued on, taking me to the things I wanted to get away from.

I'm back!

The trip was awesome. I guess I did something right in my life to be granted an opportunity to experience something like that. Alhamdulillah. I've posted some pictures of the trip on FB but not many because the batteries of the camera keeps dying on me. But my friends have loads of pics, so maybe I'll get the pictures from them later.

But now I'm in post-holiday mode which is a good thing. It's like my steps are getting lighter, and I keep having urges to run for no apparent reason. I feel...active. I highly recommend a holiday getaway for anyone as an effective antidote for a heavy heart. It'd do you good.

p/s: now I got to focus on the viva..then viva la vida! InsyaAllah :)

Let's go!

Remember what Bilbo used to say: It's a dangerous business, Frodo, going out your door. You step onto the road, and if you don't keep your feet, there's no knowing where you might be swept off to.

~J.R.R. Tolkien

Tomorrow insyaAllah me and a couple of my friends would be going to Krabi, Thailand.
I really hope everything goes well, I hope we will all be happy.
Leave all the problems here for a while but take with us the memories of loved ones.
This trip for me is not only a holiday, but more like a test. Can I take care of myself as I like to think I can?
I don't want to be fooled by the illusion of overconfidence. A measure of fear would keep me on my toes, but won't paralyze me. This is something I've been waiting for so long, it's like breaking free of the things that mess up my heart.
This is not a guided tour, we're basically our own navigators. Fixed plans were kept on a minimum, it's all about flexibility. The only fixed plan so far is that we will make riding an elephant a must. That's about it. Sometimes I think we're crazy, because all of us come from a scientific background: used to the things that are structured and can be figured out easily. But the way we're planning this (or not planning?) it's so different and it's exhilarating!
It reminds me of the journey of Frodo and Sam in that epic tale. Both discovered parts of themselves that they never knew existed. Maybe we're all capable of everything, but at different levels and on different times. To really know the person you see in the mirror everyday, you have to make available the opportunities that would make them shine.
Ok, now suddenly this reminds me of Hulk. You know that Hulk only comes out when there is a need, a provocation that set off the transformation to Hulk. Mind you, I am not suggesting that you go become a monster when someone makes you angry. What I mean is that sometimes things happen that would make you become something you never knew you could. It doesn't have to be negative provocation, hopefully a positive simulation would cause the transformation into a better person. So when you travel, you never can know where you'll end up, what are the things that have to be dealt with and who knows who would you become? (Not Hulk I hope).
So let's go! The world is too big to be stuck at one place anyway ;)

Slayed by time

I just got the tentative date for my viva.

It's 10th October 2011, insyaAllah.

I'm surprised because each time I tell this to people, they clap their hands, put a big smile on their faces and say heartily, "Congratulations!"

Why?

I am not particularly happy. I'm just 20% relieved that I'm finally on the road to end this journey and 80% terrified that I would mess up.

I hope, pray, beg that all would turn out alright.

So to make myself more terrified, let's do a bit of mathematics.

24 hours per day that consist of:

5 hours: sleep (why is sleep the first thing? this is surely not a good sign :p)

3 hours: eating and other essential daily activities (like praying, bathing)

3 hours: other nonessential daily activities (like driving, washing the dishes)

3 hours for PROMISE. The supervisors forbid us from doing any more thesis-related work during office hours so they're piling center-related work on us now.

~ I can't think of anything else right now but it is safe to say that there is approximately 10 effective working hours that have to be used to the maximum (hope, pray, beg).

10th Oct 2011 is 32 days away.

4 days I'm going to Krabi for a holiday getaway (I brought the tickets in February and so I had no idea this would happen)

That leaves 28 days.

Let's allocate 4 days for maintenance of sanity (believe me this is essential). My supervisor likes to say that PhD really means "Permanent head Damage." So maybe we'll find out after 10th Oct won't we?

24 days remain.

That is 24 days x 10 hours = 240 hours = 10 days

Just over a week!

*faint*