It's getting stale being stagnant

Lyrics | Collective Soul lyrics - Run lyrics

If I could pick a color for today: it'd be gray.

I'm in the maze again, trapped in my own insecurities.

Past dialogs keep haunting my thoughts and I fear I keep making the same mistakes again. It's like walking down a familiar lane, fully knowing that up ahead there is a big hole in the ground waiting for a fallen victim but you keep falling into it, time and again that the fall just feels like a necessary part of the journey. Each time these words echoes in your head, "Here we go again".

Haih...I hate it when I misunderstand; but lately it's all I'm capable of doing.

.

.

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"People kill what they don't understand"

I know that's true. Most people don't have the patience to see things through once the sequence of events baffles them or it goes against what they hoped it would be.

Patience! All of us need Patience!

I think I have got some brand of patience but I am unsure if it's the same kind as every one else's. I have a great deal of hope, but I hope to trade that with a measure of willpower. Gotta move to the next level, so that the stage is set for new experiences, new setting, new everything: it's getting stale being stagnant.

How many times more?

Lyrics | O.A.R. lyrics - Shattered (Turn The Car Around) lyrics

I know is not right to feel as I do.
But I do, I do, I do.
It sucks to try to reach for something but it always elude you.
I want to get away from this as far as I can.
I want to be able to pave my own life, without the burden of association to another that always seem to get what they want.
I want to be free of this.
It weigh heavy on my heart and my cheek muscles hurt from faking too much smiles. Being fake is so much work. I want badly to cry.

In a way, I need a change
From this burnout scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

I know when trying for something there is always a 50% chance you'll fail. It is rezeki. So I know full well that there is no point in questioning why all this time my chances seem to fall on the failing 50%? Statistically in 100 attempts you'll most likely fail 50 times. If you fail 100 times, maybe it needs another 100 attempts to succeed. So what if the 50 or even 100 failures seem to line up one after the other? There's always a probability for that to happen, however remote.
...It sux tho.
I don't want to be stuck in this destiny of being tied up to another. No one ties us up I know, but I myself think that way. I want to break free, I know I'll be much better without it. But how to break free? It's like a curse. It is like I am worthy for nothing. After this, I want to go alone. I want to try it all alone. If I fail then I'll bear it alone, at least I won't feel so damn worthless.

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

....This post have too many "I" in it. Too caught up in self. So sorry.

Lately I feel a little burned out.
Its like I have nothing worthwhile to say..
But lately my mind keep wandering to the years I spent in Unimas.
When I look back, gosh, I really hated it there.
Especially when I was leading the Entrepreneurship Club.
There, I met the worst people.
Manipulative, calculative, cruel people.
When I played out the events in my head, my heart bleeds.
It's as though a knife is stuck there, not letting the wound to heal.
During those black years, I felt as low as the dust on your feet.
Trampled on all over and looked upon as dirt that have to be washed off.
What were they thinking, treating people the way they do?
...hmm..maybe they have their own twisted reason that is beyond my comprehension.
Those 3 people, I hope I never see again.
I can never forgive, as I don't understand what went wrong.
Looking back, I wish that I have more guts to stand up for myself. Then at least I would be satisfied.
Now, those events just leave a bitter taste in my mouth.
I need to forgive and forget. I'll try.
One thing is for sure: I do not want to see any of those people again. I've had enough.
I hope that period in my life would be blacked out, erased forever from my memory.

Whatever it is, I am thankful that during those trying times, I had friends in the Club. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I would never understand what made them stay..nevertheless I am thankful. Without all of you, I could never go on...

Life is every bit the soap opera. Along with the bad guys, there's also the good guys.
Thank God.

~ sorry for the raw emotional outburst *sigh*