Sampai hilang

Jika cinta itu udara, aku ingin ke angkasaraya.
Jauh dari belenggunya.
Buat apa terlalu bergantung
pada sesuatu yang tak boleh kau lihat dan tak boleh kau pegang?
Biarkan rasa itu mati, gering sendiri.
Kau harus jalan terus,
memandu hatimu sentiasa di landasan syukur.
Sampai masa,
udara yang kau tahan habis
dan kau mencungap mencari lagi,
aku harap Tuhan mengasihani
dan mengambil nyawamu saat itu juga.
Tak perlu kau hirup lagi.
Terimalah ketiadaannya.
~Nur_aqli, 2019

Ronin

Everytime I post here it is always something sad.
But today my heart is broken and I can't hold back the tears.
.
.
So today I attempted to ask my PhD supervisor for a referral letter. I know it is risky, considering I left my lab with blazing fires of destruction  (which up to this day, I am puzzled by what is the actual reason for it). But still, I went on with just a sliver of hope because last year, I met with both and they were civil. I don't expect warmth, and not even professionalism from them but at least they were civil.
Today I texted, asking for the permission to call but he said he is away in kampung so it is better to text due to bad connectivity. Then I asked for a referral letter and his email. Simply, he replied that he can't give me a referral letter.
I felt heartbroken because I now know there is no hope for reparations and I am sorry too for them because although they are at the end of their days (he has had a risky operation, a close brush with death), they still want to hold on to past hurt.
The most amazing thing is for me personally I am unsure why the issue is blown out as it is. I am unsure what they have been telling juniors of the lab regarding the most notorious student of all...but if the juniors choose to believe without ever trying to know the other side of the story then they deserve to not know me at all and I don't deserve to know them.
Now I am truly a ronin in the truest sense. A wandering samurai without a lord or master. Disowned or did I leave them? No one can entirely be sure.
So that chapter: let's leave it with all the heartbreak and confusion it causes. I am done with proving I am in the right or wrong. I am done trying to reconnect. Let Allah swt decide and I leave it all to Him. Whatever my future has in store for me: let me at it.

Harapan tak seharusnya melemahkan

Sekembang bunga ditapak tangan,
Dihulur ikhlas kepada teman,
Tak sedar ia meluka genggaman,
Durinya masih beri cengkaman

Mata berkilau menyalahkan takdir,
Salahkan bunga masih berduri,
Terus dibunuh rasa yang hadir,
Demi melindung hati sendiri

Yang memberi terpana rasa,
Rupanya dia terluka juga,
Duri bunga terasa biasa,
Tidak mahu melukakan jua

Akhirnya bunga hancur binasa,
Keduanya hilang takdir bersama,
Berjalan terus menyusur masa,
Tetapan hidup harus terima

Andai kita bertemu semula,
Semoga hati dikuatkanNya,
Mencuba lagi untuk bermula,
Mencabar takdir ketentuanNya

~Nur_aqli, 2019