2009: One hand in my pocket and everything's fine ;)

Lyrics | Alanis Morissette lyrics - One Hand In My Pocket lyrics
I'm tired like a dead fish.
Hehe, nevertheless I'm happy because it's 2010, people! hahaha
I'm happy because I like a major change now and then. I like it when things start to feeling stagnant and stuffy, suddenly a big wave of change come and wash it all away and I have ample room to start all over again.
Like the Japanese in the novel Shogun by James Clavell: they build paper houses because the ground they live on is always catastrophically destroyed by earthquakes. So everytime it shakes and bring them to the ground, they always build their houses again with patience and a silent understanding, a new home have to be built after the old one has gone. It is just something that has to happen, so just embrace it ;)
Looking back at 2009, it certainly have its own flavor and it leaves a bittersweet aftertaste. Overall, the past year has been the most challenging in my career path and also financially. However, it's been a very good year for family related matters even if it stinks in my personal love life.
As far as personal development goes, I think I've grown as a person. For instance:
I'm more in control of my rebellious streak even though it put me in fire sometimes. Especially in lab meetings :p
I'm more cool headed and surprisingly decisive.I've just found this one out during HKWCJ 12:I've never had so many people shouting and screaming at me at the same time until their faces turn red and I can almost see smoke rising from their noses and ears. But it's part and parcel of being the Games committee, you know protests are inevitable. You just got to hold your ground, believe in yourself and make sure your team is in full support of you. That is of the essence and actually I couldn't believe we managed to pull through ;)
Tawakal is important. As Alanis quite aptly said:

What it all boils down to is that no one's really got it figured out just yet

I've had moments when I feel most alone in the world, the most poor, the most wrecked. But hey, I know it's always just a phase and those kind of things don't last. Things have a way of working out to be the best in the end.
Life ain't like the movies and it would not leave you hanging. All things will end, we just have to believe that the beginning of something else is coming right after that.
So, the most important thing to remember is to put a big smile on you face and say, Hello 2010! :)

Down, down, down

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - The End Where I Begin lyrics

I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to get over this but it lingers in my mind.
It's kinda like when you get bitten by a cat until you bleed...sometimes, you wonder where is that damned cat now?
Before, you played with the cat, loving it as your own best friend. So you can't really fathom why it bit you. But it did. And you cried.
You reminisce the good times, sometimes smiling at the thought. But then the questions resurface, and then you were taken back to what made you leave the cat. It was no good for you and you have to let it go.
Somehow.
.
.
.
I think that that person really wanted to push me away from the beginning, that is why all the things said and done is inconclusive, confusing and vague.
A passive aggressive stance of manipulative fighting: push things so high up that the person would fall without you actually tipping them off the edge. Guilt-free. No visible blood on your hands. But it's there. Believe me, you're soaked in it.
But as soaked as you are, I am the one falling and hitting the ground.
People say, "Hey, you are strong and I think you'll be alright"
I hate that, actually.
So what? Does that mean I deserve and should swallow it whole?
...don't go preaching me about destiny, or I'll punch you in the face.
.
.
.
But yes, I know I'll be alright. No doubt about that.

Natrah: Lost soul?

Last Saturday I went to see the staging of Natrah at Istana Budaya with my sis, cousins+ their significant others ;).
The performance was alright, but we didn't get the best seats because the theater was packed to the brim and there were no other available tickets. However, I didn't mind much as I was interested with the story ;)

Setting aside the theater performance and script (which was for me OK laa), I find myself more fascinated about the underlying questions of the whole Natrah situation.
...before I go further, I want to state that I am no authority on this issue and whatever is written here are just thoughts generated by random networks in my brain. So don't go all defensive on me ok? :p

I don't know what I'd do if I'm in Natrah's shoes. I really can't kid myself that I'd be stronger in resisting the constant interference in my life and faith. Plus, she was only 13. Sometimes I think that her life is too controlled by outside forces that to the end her choices are often not her own....but that is only an outsider's observation, the truth in her heart will never be revealed to us.

I think that what happened to Natrah is not a tragedy to Islam. As someone I know once said, "if in her heart she is Islam, then she won't deviate". But if she is not, then we would have to pray that Allah in all His mercy would lighten the path for her to come back to Islam. Please know and remember that while we fought for her to remain Islam, the other side is also fighting for the exact same reason. So actually, it's fair game because each side believes that they are the divine right. To me, the real culprit is the Locke guy who tricked Che Aminah into coming to Singapore. What he did was mischievious but cunning.

I think the question whether or not Natrah should remain a Muslim should be entirely her own once she is of age. However, is coming of age alone is enough? I wonder...assuming that Natrah is so gullible to outside forces and unable to take a stand, can her judgment be taken as the ultimatum, as the defining parameter of what should be done? Giving or placing anything to the undeserving is the definition of zalim (cruelty) right? When is someone rendered unfit to make decisions?

Another thing, the story narrated in the performance is implying that the colonialist are unrespectful of the law and rules in Islam. But as my fully qualified lawyer sis said, Natrah is not a question of religion, but rather a question of the right to custody. The league they were fighting in is not religion, but the court of law. I am not saying that rules in Islam should abide by the civil laws but what authority Islam has in that particular setting? Islam does not have the power to impose its will on others because at that time even Malaya didn't practice Shariah laws. Here we are, screaming "bangsat penjajah" and other terms along the same line. Who'll care? This pointless anger to me is in total disharmony to the need to understand in Islam. Who would believe a raving fanatic with a shiny blade that threaten everyone to believe he's advocating peace? What the eyes see is the total opposite to what the ears hear and what the heart feel. We have to change this, somehow.

However, what I conclude for myself after watching the performance is that truth does not depend on how many wins or loses. If it does, then how wrong we all are because we keep losing eventhough our numbers exceed the small white bubbles formed by the waves as it crashed to the shore. We weakly disappear, as if we never were there before.