Hidup adalah gerak

Meluruh daun bunga di taman,
Dulu dijaga jua ditatang,
Lirih lemah semangatmu teman,
Dipukul hebat takdir yang datang.

Cantiknya dulu si bunga kekwa,
Namun lamanya tanpa siraman,
Usah beralah dalam kecewa,
Ujian datang bukan hukuman.

Dulunya taman penuh berwarna,
Penuh segar dedaunan redup,
Kita cuma hambaNya yang hina,
Mengapa sanggup membuang hidup?

Setelah air jernih dijirus,
Pastilah hidup dan tidak mati,
Hidup ini mestilah terus,
Kerana Tuhan sedang perhati.

Kembali wangi bunga kemboja,
Menjadi pujaan si burung merak,
Hati kecewa didalam saja,
Bangkit berdiri dan terus gerak!

~Nur_aqli, 2020

Batik Jawa: A tale never to be repeated

Sometimes, you do cross my mind. However, as swift the thought came, it went.

Sometimes, I come across things that remind me of you. However, it is not a happy memory so I ignored it. Feeling small never made anyone great.

So, this is for you. May you disappear like the mist once the sun shine through.

Oh, and a note to self: Don't waste your bullets on those unworthy to take a shot on! ;)

Down, down, down

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - The End Where I Begin lyrics

I'm sorry.
I'm supposed to get over this but it lingers in my mind.
It's kinda like when you get bitten by a cat until you bleed...sometimes, you wonder where is that damned cat now?
Before, you played with the cat, loving it as your own best friend. So you can't really fathom why it bit you. But it did. And you cried.
You reminisce the good times, sometimes smiling at the thought. But then the questions resurface, and then you were taken back to what made you leave the cat. It was no good for you and you have to let it go.
Somehow.
.
.
.
I think that that person really wanted to push me away from the beginning, that is why all the things said and done is inconclusive, confusing and vague.
A passive aggressive stance of manipulative fighting: push things so high up that the person would fall without you actually tipping them off the edge. Guilt-free. No visible blood on your hands. But it's there. Believe me, you're soaked in it.
But as soaked as you are, I am the one falling and hitting the ground.
People say, "Hey, you are strong and I think you'll be alright"
I hate that, actually.
So what? Does that mean I deserve and should swallow it whole?
...don't go preaching me about destiny, or I'll punch you in the face.
.
.
.
But yes, I know I'll be alright. No doubt about that.

Gotta live like we're dying

Lyrics | The Script lyrics - Live Like We're Dying lyrics

Yes, we got to face it: in this world, no one comes out alive.
Once we've established that fact and everyone understands the impact of it, we'll move on to the next stage: what we're doing with the time we've been given here?

So if your life flashed before you
What would you wish you would've done?

Don't kid yourself that you have so much time, you can't see how many stones of sand are left in your hourglass. Each second, without fail: we're getting older and closer to dying.
It's such a waste for us to just wither out and die, we have so much potential! We can learn everything, we can do anything as long as the heart agrees and the body is able. I've long believed that the world is such a big place to be stuck in one corner.
Wherever we go, whatever we do: God will provide, so why the hesitation?
I've never lost the hope that someday I'll be able to tick off some items on my list. For me, the thing withholding me the most is the unavailability of money to squander on my dreamed adventures and the fact that I am such a coward to go at it alone. So friends, jom? We'll overpower the ones that doubt us by our infallible belief that we can do it haha.
Some of the things on my bucket list (yes, very much like the movie but they did it when they're so old, I was hoping that I won't kick the bucket just yet :p)

• To handle any machine that flies, with me in it. I've been contemplating to take flying lessons, I don't really care if it's a helicopter or a plane: as long as it flies. Hey, even a hot air balloon is ok :D
• To play paintball. I've been jealous of the many people who had played. Seriously it'd be liberating to kill someone even with colorful balls of paint haha
• To ride a go-kart and hopefully a F1 car too. I've been dreaming of this since I was a kid and I can still feel the rush in my dreams as I tackle the bend of the road. Gile hensem! haha
• To learn diving and have a diver's license. I got this chance when I was in uni but the fee then was out of my means. My ptptn is only for fees only, so xleh la berfoya-foya sangat :P. The closest I get to seeing the fishes up close is when I went snorkelling once in Pangkor. That was truly a dream vacation..
• To go to Japan, Egypt, Greece and Korea. My friend once told me that the pyramids in Egypt and the Nile aren't all that they are so hyped to be but still, I want to go there! haha

So those are some of the top things in my list. I need some friend who'll go with me! Jom laaaa...we'll do some of the things in your list too ok? I promise ;)

Ok getting back to the song, I'm interested with this phrase:

And if your plane fell out of the skies
Who would you call with your last goodbyes
Should be so careful who we live out our lives
So when we long for absolution
There'll no one on the line

It is good advice not to burn bridges. You'll never know when you have to cross the same river again. So in this life, try to be good to everyone and don't cut the ties until there's no hope of getting back again. What if in the future we have to ask for something from that person again? So forgive, but never forget. However, don't keep those who bog you down. God did not create you so you'll crawl through life. Just play your cards right: you don't have to have everyone like you but you don't need haters either. It's a delicate balance: I'm still working on it myself.

Another thing is to keep your regrets at a minimum, because when you suddenly see yourself at the end of the line you don't really have much time to redo or undo your conduct in life. When you gotta go, then you gotta go. You think the angel of death would stall his schedule just so that you can do that one little thing? Death is happening everywhere so you must understand how busy he is. So spare yourself the trouble and do things while you still can.

Say you love someone even when it hurts and give forgiveness to the ones that hurt you.
Give praise when it's due and criticize only when it helps.
Be the one who build and not the the one who break.
These you do so that you'll be the one to smile and not the one who cries.

p/s: I hope I'm not too thick-headed to take my own advice. C'mon, life don't begin at any number, rather it begins when you want it to :)

Almost doesn't count

*Warning! Post jiwang merepek! Keep out if you'll question my state of mind*

Today the air cond in the lab is not working and it's making my eyes heavy and threatening to close at any time. I really feel like a life-sized dumpling steamed in a giant steamer. If I am ever a dumpling, I want to be the pau-shaped plump yellow dumpling with little prawns in it. Ah, it's making me hungry already (Oh, let me be strong in going through this diet thing..huhuhu).

Last night me and my family stayed out late as relatives came by to our house to look at my sister's engagement preparations. Whole of yesterday and the day before we were all busy turning the house upside down to do spring cleaning. Award for the most dedicated person in cleaning goes to....drumroll....Lili! Yes, she is truly an Energizer bunny of cleaning, and it's hard to keep up with her ;)

After all the excitement calmed down in the wee hours of the morning, me and my aunt (but she is of the same age) lepak together and shared our stories. Naturally, given the setting, both of us reflected on our, erm, *cough* situation :p. I shared my weird story and she shared hers. Haha, btw, if u r reading this, thanks for last night, I needed to get that out of my chest :)

Then she posed a question: how do married couples know that they've found the ONE? She said that everyone she asked gave the same answer: if you found it, you just know.
Bah! I contest that, lansung x saintifik. That is indeed an abstract answer to a specific question. However, I know it's impossible to put in scientific terms something as irrational and magical as love.

But I wonder, is it possible to just know? How long is the probation period to get to know someone? And how, God help me, do we know that he is the ONE?
For the last question, it is common knowledge that not everybody's tale get a happy ending. So instead of the one, maybe there'll be a second or maybe even a third. So is there a possibility that the ONE does not exist, but only a false illusion that is akin to searching for the end of the rainbow?
Why not, instead of searching for the end of the rainbow you just enjoy the presence of the rainbow itself?
I believe that God is never cruel, He is The Just. So if things don't work out, maybe it's something you have to go through to prepare you for the more challenging days ahead. We will never know if that other person is meant for us only. What we can think about is whether that person is worth the fight? Is he worth the pain and cost to your soul? I don't know and it is puzzling to myself that I still hang around to see what happens. Well, they said that faith and hope are the most frail but hardest to kill of all emotions.
I don't know but think that we cannot keep on fighting or guessing what is the other person's attention. It is truly liberating to let go and trust that life in itself would flow as it is supposed to. It is exhausting to be on your guard always, always looking out your shoulder to exit at the first sign of rejection. When there is a desire to reach out, you fear that no one would be there. So you don't. Hey, two can play that game right? Even if in the game of love, someone threw away the instructions :P
It's a good thing that the heart is guarded, no one has touched it yet. You have to be sure first to bet a part of that on the line. Well, as they say, almost doesn't count.

Almost heard you saying
You were finally free
What was always missing for you, baby
You'd found it in me
But you can't get to heaven
Half off the ground
Everybody knows
Almost doesn't count

I can't keep on lovin' you
One foot outside the door
I hear a funny hesitation
Of a heart that's never really sure
Can't keep on tryin'
If you're looking for more
Than all that I could give you
Than what you came here for

~Adapted from Almost doesn't count by Brandy

So what now? I think I know my limits and I wonder how I got here. It breaks my heart to know that I am that gullible and naive. I have more urgent things in my list that I have to care of: my family and my PhD.
But maybe I'll continue on this game, just to see what'll happen next. Plus, it is a situation that no one I asked ever come across. So it's a valuable lesson to pick up along the stony path of life. Maybe it is something that I have to go through and pray for the best. I've read somewhere that doa adalah penolak takdir.
So how to change your destiny when you don't really know what's best for you?
My friend, just pray to ask for what's in your heart. I tell you, there's someone listening and would give it to you in ways you wouldn't understand or even want to. If you are near, then rest assured He'll be nearer ;)

My 2 cents worth

slm
lama rase tak tulis cni..
banyak yg ada difikiran: kdg2 rasa ok je kalo tulis cni, tapi bila fikir panjang sikit...jadi mcm x sesuai plak.
Kadang2 ada perkara yg bagus kalau dibicarakan one-on-one, orang kata "pertemuan dua mata" ..err..ke pertemuan empat mata?
Ada perkara yang bagus dibincang dalam kumpulan kecil.
Ada pula perkara yang baik didiamkan saja.
Kadang2 bila nak tulis, ada satu sikap hati-hati, atau keinginan untuk membina suatu imej tentang diri. Kata- kata dalam blog ini adalah luahan hati si pemikir. Disini tempat semuanya dibentuk dan dijaga agar hasilnya sesuai dengan kemahuan diri.
Tak sama dengan hidup.
Dalam hidup, hal- hal yang terjadi bukan kita penentunya. Memanglah kita memainkan peranan yang besar dalam hidup sendiri (dah nama pun hidup sendiri) tapi outcome yang kita dapat bukan sentiasa seperti apa yang kita mahukan.
Dalam blog ni, kita boleh jadi apa- apa. Your mind will take you anywhere :)
Blog ni bolehlah dikatakan satu escapism dari life yang kadang-kadang bergerak terlalu pantas sampai kita rasa nak berhenti dan jerit, "Time out!"
Sebab tu, kalau orang kata yang melebih-lebih tentang blog kita, tentang perkara-perkara yang kita jaga dan bentuk sendiri ini, sangat menyakitkan.
*******************************************************************************

Setiap orang diuji mengikut kadar kemampuannya. Kemenangan hidup juga tercapai menurut kemampuan. Alam ini diatur dengan sebegitu rupa sehinggakan tiada satu pun yang sia- sia atau tidak perlu. Jangan mengukur diri dengan orang lain, itu takkan boleh adil sebab setiap kita unik.
Kadang- kadang tu hairan bila dengar orang bila bercerita masalah, mesti nak kata yang diri sendirilah yang paling sengsara, paling bermasalah. Untuk apa? Untuk simpati ke? Untuk orang memahami keadaan diri?
Memanglah setiap orang ada masalah masing-masing, tapi dengarkan saja lah. Tak perlu kata yang masalah orang itu lebih kecil berbanding masalah kita. Kita mana tahu betapa besar kesan masalah itu pada dirinya? Apa beban- beban lain yang terpaksa ditanggungnya sampai masalah kecil pun terasa sungguh beratnya?
Macam yang kata tadi, setiap kita unik.
Itu bukan masalah, itu anugerah.
Dijadikan kita berlainan untuk kita berkenal- kenalan.
..err, ni bukan syor untuk masuk ruang berkenalan majalah plak tau, tu da lain maksud tu...
Bagi saya, berkenal- kenalan itu boleh juga diertikan macam cuba bertoleransi sesama kita. Kita mungkin tidak akan mampu memahaminya, hatta diri sendiri pun x faham- faham. Tapi kalau sama- sama cari jalan tengah yang cukup luas untuk selesa dilalui oleh kedua-duanya, itupun alhamdulillah.
....this is what I think anyway.

I got this article from an email...thought provoking

Make a difference??!
There was a little boy visiting his grandparents on their farm. He was given a slingshot to play with out in the woods. He practiced in the woods, but he could never hit the target. Getting a little discouraged, he headed back for dinner.

As he was walking back he saw Grandma ' s pet duck. Just out of impulse, he let the slingshot fly, hit the duck square in the head and killed it. He was shocked and grieved! In a panic, he hid the dead duck in the wood pile, only to see his sister watching!

Fatima had seen it all, but she said nothing. After lunch the next day Grandma said, ' Fatima , let's wash the dishes. ' But Fatima said, ' Grandma, Ahmed told me he wanted to help in the kitchen. ' Then she whispered to him, ' Remember the duck? ' So Ahmed did the dishes.

Later that day, Grandpa asked if the children wanted to go fishing and Grandma said, ' I'm sorry but I need Fatima to help make supper. '

Fatima just smiled and said, ' Well, that ' s all right because Ahmed told me he wanted to help. ' She whispered again, ' Remember the duck? '. So Fatima went fishing and Ahmed stayed to help.

After several days of Ahmed doing both his chores and Fatima's, he finally couldn't stand it any longer.

He came to Grandma and confessed that he had killed the duck. Grandma knelt down, gave him a hug and said, ' Sweetheart, I know. You see, I was standing at the window and I saw the whole thing, but because I love you, I forgave you. I was just wondering how long you would let Fatima
make a slave of you. '

Thought for the day and every day thereafter?

Whatever is in your past, whatever you have done... and the devil keeps throwing it up in your face (lying, cheating, debt, fear, bad habits, hatred, anger, bitterness, etc.)...whatever it is...You need to know that Allah was standing at the window and He saw the whole thing. He has seen your whole life. He wants you to know that He loves you and that you are forgiven.

He' s just wondering how long you will let the devil make a slave of you.

The great thing about Allah is that when you ask for forgiveness, He not only forgives you, but He loves you. It is by Allah ' s grace and mercy that we are saved. Share this with a friend and always remember: Allah is at the window!

Mcm poyo ke post sblm ni?
Ye la, kite ni kn bukan sape- sape, so mcm poyo la...
Xpe la, nk buat mcm mn dah "ter"poyo..rase mcm nk buat lg pulak.
X salah mempunyai pengharapan.

Hope, although frail is hard to die.
When the future is uncertain or have no chance of becoming reality, it is comforting to have hope.
The assurance that someday, somehow it would become alright.
Is it wrong to wanting to return to the right way after knowing that the path you're currently on will take you nowhere?
Remember the lessons of life so you could pass the lessons of the heart.

In reality, when you know you're lost in a foreign country, it would be wise to ask for directions or do a U-turn to return to where you started.
Sometimes, egoists (like me) don't want to admit that we're lost, until someone asks, "where on earth do you think you're going? Go back, go back" while the whole time waving their arms to indicate that we should go back.
It would be stupid to just go on and ignore the person, and just continue being lost.
So, the egoist would then be embarrassed out of their wits and with a burning face enduring the shame would then put on a brave mask and say, "Yeah, I'm lost. So where should I go?" while all the time feeling stupid but thankful at the same time.
Then, after listening and following the directions given correctly, we should be on the right track.
From "Someday we'll get there!" to "Finally, we've arrived!"

Yeah, currently I'm still figuring out where I want to go.
The road I've taken before was wrong, so I'm attempting to do a major U-turn ahead.
Sadly, my cute little white car got stuck a bit while turning, but it's OK now.
Finally I'm going somewhere!
Dunno where, but definitely somewhere. Anywhere but here.

Rasanya aku perlu meneladani puisi ini...
Moga-maga "si dia" yang aku lansung xtau siapa itu juga meneladaninya. Semoga nnt dirahmati.. :)

Sekadar Pesanan

Tolong sampaikan pada si dia
Tolong beritahu si dia aku ada pesanan
buatnya..
Tolong beritahu si dia, cinta agung
adalah cintaNya..
Tolong beritahu si dia, cinta manusia
bakal membuatnya alpa..

Tolong nasihati sia dia, jangan
menyintaiku lebih dari dia menyintai
Yang Maha Esa..
Tolong nasihati si dia,jangan
mengingatiku lebih dari dia mengingati
Yang Maha Kuasa..
Tolong nasihati si dia, jangan
mendoakanku lebih dari dia mendoakan
ibu bapanya..

Tolong katakan pada si dia, dahulukan
Allah kerana di situ ada syurga..
Tolong katakan pada si dia, dahulukan
ibu bapanya kerana di telapak itu
syurganya..

Tolong ingatkan si dia. Aku terpikat
kerana imannya bukan rupa..
Tolong ingatkan si dia. Aku lebih
cintakan zuhudnya bukan harta..
Tolong ingatkan si dia aku kasihinya
kerana santunnya..

Tolong tegur si dia, bila dia mula
mengagungkan cinta manusia..
Tolong tegur si dia, bila dia
tenggelam dalam angan-angannya..
Tolong tegur si dia, andai nafsu
mengawal fikirannya..

Tolong sedarkan si dia. Aku milik Yang
Maha Esa..
Tolong sedarkan si dia. Aku masih
milik keluarga..
Tolong sedarkan si dia,
tanggungjawabnya besar kepada
keluarganya..

Tolong sabarkan si dia, usah ucap
cinta di kala cita-cita belum
terlaksana..
Tolong sabarkan si dia, andai diri ini
enggan dirapati kerana menjaga batasan
cinta..
Tolong sabarkan si dia, bila jarak
mejadi penyebab bertambah rindunya..

Tolong pesan padanya. Aku tidak mahu
menjadi fitnah besar kepadanya..
Tolong pesan padanya. Aku tak mahu
menjadi punca kegagalannya..
Tolong pesan padanya aku membiarkan
Yang Esa menjaga dirinya..

Tolong khabarkan pada si dia. Aku
tidak mahu melekakan dia..
Tolong khabarkan pada si dia. Aku mahu
dia berjaya dalam impian dan cita-
citanya..
Tolong khabarkan pada si dia, jadilah
penyokong dalam kejayaanku..

Tolong sampaikan pada si dia. Aku
mendambakan cinta suci yang terjaga..
Tolong sampaikan pada si dia,cinta
kerana Allah tidak ternilai harganya..
Tolong sampaikan pada si dia, hubungan
ini terjaga selagi dia menjaga
hubungan dengan Yang Maha Kuasa..
Tolong sampaikan kepada si dia kerana
aku tidak mampu memberitahunya
sendiri…

Hanya engkau Ya Allah mengetahui siapa
si dia..
Moga pesananku sampai padanya walau
aku sendiri tidak mengetahui siapa dan
dimana si dia..
Moga dia seekor lebah yang sentiasa
memuji keagungan Yang Maha Kuasa
memasuki taman larangan dengan sopan
santunnya dan bertemu mawar berduri
yang terjaga oleh tuannya..
Simpanlah pesanan ku ini sehingga
engkau bertemu diriku suatu hari
nanti…

from http://nonaro.wordpress.com

Dilemma..

Banyak yang kini aku fikirkan...tapi sebenarnya sudah lama persoalan yang satu ini bermain difikiran. Ini dikuatkan lagi oleh kata-kata ini:

Bagaimana?
Apa sebenarnya yang patut dilakukan oleh seorang wanita dizaman yang kononnya moden ini?
Memang buntu...apakah jalan yang betul?
Aku menginsafi diri atas kelalaian sebelum ini.
Maafkan jika aku mengganggu, sebenarnya aku sendiri mencari jawapan. Maafkan jika engkau jua terlalai. Sungguh, perlu ditahan kekosongan ini.
Itulah dilemma...
Kalau senyap, dikatakan sombong
Kalau ramah, macam gatal la pulak...aduh...
So sikit-sikit sahaja.
Sungguh tak biasa dengan situasi sebegini..memang fail, dari dulu lagi.
Kan bagus kalau mcm kawan saya sorang tu..utk semuanya dia ada SOP (x boleh pinjam ke??)
Sekarang ni juz rely on our own instinct, on our own knowledge and level of consciousness pertaining right and wrong.

Ya Allah, lindungilah aku dari hati yang berbolak- balik. Limpahkanlah rahmatMu dan tunjukkanlah jalan yang benar disisiMu agar aku sentiasa dapat kembali walaupun sesekali tergelincir...
Amin